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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do not understand why people have kids when they can not afford them.

727 replies

sea74 · 07/08/2012 10:15

I know this topic will create lots of critics but i want to share my thoughts and see if anyone agrees or i am the odd one out.
I come from a european country where the fertility rate is 1.4 that is each woman/family has 1.4 child. Grandparents very often are the to help, but women (and men) are responsible enough not to have children if they can not afford them or look after them.
I grew up thinking that i want children not because i want them for me but because i have to donate life and their life must be a good life. Children are not mine but they are individuals.

Having said that, when i moved to the UK, i realised how things are different.
I feel that many people think children will not change their lives, they get pregnant easily, they do not really worry too much (and take contraception) in order to avoid pregnancies.
Then, when they have the child, you see that often these children live in broken families, or the single mothers do not have 50 pounds to buy them a decent meal, or they are left in front of the tv all summer because they had not planned childcare is expensive and grandparents live far.

Children should be planned carefully, i think and it is very selfish to have them without thinking of (and being ready for) the consequences.

OP posts:
holidaywoe · 07/08/2012 11:06

To be fair I can see the point that the OP is making. I have two children and would love a third but when we looked at the financial reality we realised that it was not to be and that unless we came into some money or maybe a lottery win number 3 was not to be.
However I know of MANY people who do not take this into consideration before having a child, yes I know accidents do happen but for many of the people I know there is an attitude of the state will always look after you.
Many of the young girls in the area that I work in actively set out to get themselves pregnant without thinking of how stable their relationship is or if they have the funds to support the resulting child.
But this is a MN that will always rumble on and usually resorts in the OP receiving a lifetimes supply of biscuits. Yes there are situations that happen in life that cannot be helped or predicted.
But what I have a problem with is the people that purposely set out to get pregnant without the finacial back up. They bleat about love being enough and being good with money and going with out blah blah but often that money that they are so good with is coming from the state.
Sorry rant over, just one of my personal soapbox issues!

Original poster
sea74 · 07/08/2012 11:06

Ok, got the message.
No one agrees with me.
I will take it on board.

Thanks for the FEW that replied intelligent messages....not all of them, i have to say.

OP posts:
LesleyPumpshaft · 07/08/2012 11:06

I meant to say Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to!

FallenCaryatid · 07/08/2012 11:07

Op is, according to posts on other threads, Italian.
And Catholic, which should rule out both contraception and abortion.

McPie · 07/08/2012 11:08

I could afford to have another child as my dad was more than happy to look after the baby so I could go back to work. What I didnt plan for was twins who were hard enough work for me so why would not put my dad through it with his degenerative arthritis and all.
Was I selfish not to have aborted them just so we could buy a bigger tv or waste hard earned money on expensive meals? If I was to fall pregnant tomorrow we would manage, my children would not suffer as we as parents would make the sacrifices not my children.

SirBoobAlot · 07/08/2012 11:08

Cherry you can piss off with the OP, frankly. I'm benefit dependent because of long term health issues - do I like it? No, I would do almost anything to be able to work. Do I have a choice? No, because otherwise I would have nothing. Did I even consider a termination when I found out i was pregnant? No. Because financial instability is not a good enough reason to kill a baby.

Ohhh and shock horror, I was under 18, and wound up as a single mother. My son is nearly three now, and is a beautiful, funny, kind, caring, loving little boy. I strongly resent the suggestion abortion would have been better.

perplexedpirate · 07/08/2012 11:09

krum Yes, you're right.

But it very easily could have been us as my father fucked off without a backward glance. It's the casual shorthand of 'single mothers' to mean all that is bad in the world that really grinds my gears. I live for the day that feckless fathers are spoken of in the same way.

AWimbaWay · 07/08/2012 11:09

Yes, only the wealthy and privileged should be allowed to breed, all the poor folk should be rounded up and castrated. Hmm

perplexedpirate · 07/08/2012 11:11

Shit, sorry, I meant fallen, not krum.

Am I as thick as the OP thinks I am?!Grin

icecold · 07/08/2012 11:13

s'funny though, because when you think of eminent people of the world who have done good-politically, socially and people who enhance life-artists, musicians etc etc; mostly these people are from poor upbringings, not wealthy and privileged

maristella · 07/08/2012 11:14

Why would you get sniffy about the perceived intelligence in the responses you got when you have posted such a pig ignorant OP?

Having children is not the luxury of the wealthy, and few of us are feeling wealthy right now.

Orwellian · 07/08/2012 11:17

Because in this stupid country, the government pays people to have children they can't afford. So people don't have to take responsibility for their choices as they know the working taxpayer will. And having kids can be very lucrative, especially if you have 3+ and don't work = child benefit, child tax credits, housing benefit (or council house) for "overcrowding" (having more children than your house can fit) and all the other little benefits etc etc. The sooner the government caps child benefits at 2 (the replacement rate) and stops rewarding people for having children they cannot afford when they are already on benefits the better!

glammanana · 07/08/2012 11:18

Having just read the posts I really need to ask whats happens OP when someone has a multiple birth do we give the spare ones back ??

Krumbum · 07/08/2012 11:19

Oh no I have no issue with people on benefits and yes I agree a lot of it is caused when fathers agree to support women and then fuck off leaving them in the lurch. I know the op is about affording kids but im thinking more on a level of it affecting and changing your life, it just surprises me how people don't seem to actually equate sex with pregnancy and ime how many people just don't bother with contraception.

pumpkinsweetie · 07/08/2012 11:20

I see the point Orweiilen is making, but that is a small minority fortunetly.

holidaywoe · 07/08/2012 11:22

I'm not talking about being wealthy we are not wealthy. I would just like to see people actually looking at the financial implications of the day to day aspects of having children before deciding to have them.
Also a lot of people (not directed at anyone on here as I do not presume to know circumstances) seem shocked to find themselves pregnant after not taking proper precautions and then take the line that they dont agree with abortion and so they have no choice. Erm how about the choice to take precautions while having sex its not rocket science as Mr Kyle would say!

StuntGirl · 07/08/2012 11:22

I'm amazed by people who think living on benefits is 'lucrative' or a good way of life in any way. I have some family members who got pregnant as teenagers, father is not on the scene, no education, no job, living off benefits. Their lifestyle isn't anything to bloody emulate.

My partner and I both work, always have, and while we're not rich our standard of living is much better, as are our future prospects. Being on benefits isn't the glamorous lifestyle some people seem to think Hmm

Belmo · 07/08/2012 11:22

We had sex, for larfs. Used a condom. Got pregnant anyways. DP suggested abortion, cos we're skint, I cried, he said never mind then. Voila, my dd is 11 months, and I love her more than I would ever have imagined possible. Shall I stick her back? Probably could, fanny like a bucket now

Krumbum · 07/08/2012 11:26

Ive said it before but why does no one including people at the sexual health clinics ever reccommend using two forms of contraception! It's simple and easy and gives you much more control over when you have children.

shesariver · 07/08/2012 11:27

Or it might be the poster who castigated people for buying non-freerange and organic chicken i.e. the cheap basics chicken.

Getorf I remember that well as I was the poster that was attacked so badly (under my previous name) for not only having the nerve to say I bought value chicken but that I didnt care that it hadnt lived a life of luxury before it popped its clogs. It was horrible.

LesleyPumpshaft · 07/08/2012 11:28

Why don't we go back to the good old days when women who had children out of wedlock were stuck in mental institutions? The workhouse is another option maybe?

After all, it's ok for the government to spend billions on illegal wars and bailing out banks. I'm sure that our taxes would go down if they banned single parents, disabled and poor people. The government definitely wouldn't find other reasons for shafting us for even more tax.

Maybe we could take away tax credits and benefits? Hopefully the unsightly poor people would starve and die of of exposure, thus solving the problem.

ByTheWay1 · 07/08/2012 11:29

I see both sides - I have 2 - would not contemplate more than 2 as 2 is what we can afford comfortably without changing our lifestyle significantly.

If however, there were to be a contraceptive failure, we would have more and make it work for us. (I realise we are already over the 1.7 - but can we please keep our extra .3 as we could never decide which child to remove it from ;) )

My sister however, has 5, is a single mum, has never worked, the fathers of her kids do not work, she is on benefits and (yes) has a council house - and, realistically will never be off benefits - she wanted more kids by herself, never ever thinking about supporting them herself, and gets totally huffy if it is ever suggested that it is unfair in any way.

We are both from the same background - so it's not rich/poor/whatever just different choices...

I like my life and the way it has turned out, and cannot understand her, she likes her life and the way it has turned out and cannot understand me... hey-ho she's still my sister and I love her dearly.

Gin30 · 07/08/2012 11:29

Perhaps the government could make poor people wear chastity belts. That'll keep the feckless bastards from procreating eh?

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2012 11:30

OP, actually ALL the replies were intelligent. Some were quite funny as well. (Belmo you made me spit tea at the monitor!)

Not so sure about your posts though...

Pickles77 · 07/08/2012 11:30

krumbum I'm 32 weeks. Sex twice this year. Condoms and pill.

The only way to be 100% is no sex.