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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To be annoyed that a complete stranger picked up my child and tried to play with him!

332 replies

Sunny08 · 06/08/2012 19:29

Went to a beautiful wedding on saturday, on sunday we had a celebration bbq. ds didn't attend wedding but did come to bbq next day. Whilst he was playing he wandered over to this group of guys and girls, and one of the girls without warning just scooped him and started spinning him round trying to get him to play. He is only 18mths and shy at the best of times. She made a comment about him being mr grumpy as he was struggling to get away from her and as I was only a few feet behind her I walked up, took him off her and said 'I'm sorry he isn't great with complete strangers especially when they just randomly pick up!' I turned and left as didn't want to cause a scene at our friends celebration. She had been drinking and I was polite but obviously annoyed - I had never before seen or spoken to this girl in my life and it was quite obvious she was trying to use my son as a 'look aren't I good with children' infront of her friends'. Apparently she complained to the bride later that I was really rude to her - AIBU? Personally I thought I was bloomin polite given what i was thinking of saying!!!

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 06/08/2012 22:00

Sociability also depends on the age of the child, and those who find their babies happy with this kind of thing might find they change as they become more independent. Up until about 10 mths dd was quite happy being passed around & was intrigued by new people. Now at 21 mths she is much more wary and will rarely even approach someone she doesn't know well. Unless they have cake. Or a ball. Or a dog.

TeapotsInJune · 06/08/2012 22:01

Well yeah framey but then it's all extremes isn't it? No, I wouldn't swing a child around but I don't imagine for a minute she held him by his ankles and whirled him round or anything.

It sounds to me like she was young, liked children and had had a couple of glasses of wine.

I don't think anybody would be unreasonable to 'rescue' Grin an unimpressed DC but it's the way it's done - I'd have cheerfully said, "Come here you! Are you charming the ladies again!" (to the DC.) No one's offended, and you have the child back. the way the OP did it upset and offended someone and I'd have in turn been upset and offended if it had been me spoken to like that.

Catsmamma · 06/08/2012 22:02

exactly teapots

Op seems to be vexed that she is not being congratulated for her restraint!

TeapotsInJune · 06/08/2012 22:08

yes I think Bupcakes should have a funniest posts on thread award! Grin closely followed by the poster who said she'd be delighted to get rid of her DS for a bit, I would also be thrilled if someone took DD off my hands for a while, lovely as she is ;)

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:08

You either keep your DC with you at all times or you let them wander and accept that strangers will interact with them. I can't see a problem.

Sassybeast · 06/08/2012 22:15

Has the nasty child eating stranger vomited a chilli kebab in the gutter yet?

savoycabbage · 06/08/2012 22:16

It would have not crossed my mind to think it was odd. I would have talked to my ds in her arms and joined in with it all. It's called being polite and it can lead to having a good time.

'oh yes he is a bit grumpy isn't he! What's your name? Alice. Ds, this is Alice, do you like her hat/necklace/shoes?'

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/08/2012 22:18

Well Quite savoy. I agree.
Good post.

TeapotsInJune · 06/08/2012 22:20

Hope the OP's OK though, she did say she'd had a hard time and I do think it was nice of her to apologise x

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:27

In my home country my DC was whisked away from me by several adoring waitresses in restaurants and only returned if she was upset or I was concerned!

I found that this happened a lot abroad, when mine were little.
Sadly in UK it doesn't happen much because although parents want the general public to be child friendly it is very much on their terms. If people are friendly they want it on their terms so they don't bother.
As a parent you can't control other people ,or the DCs environment (unless behind your own front door) ,so therefore if you don't want other people interacting you don't let your DC wander.

FreudianSlipper · 06/08/2012 22:27

i think she called the wrong person grumpy

so what she tried to play with your son it was a family and friends celebration everyone having a good time he will get over being picked up by a stranger and you need to relax a little

Velmadaphne · 06/08/2012 22:27

YANBU.

I'd have been livid if someone had done that to either of my DCs. Basically as a parent of a small child your social life is very limited. If I find myself at a party and my kids are happily playing and not demanding attention from me, I thank my lucky stars and revel in some social enjoyment. If someone did something that made one of my kids cry (and therefore ended my peaceful moment) I'd be fuming. This isn't PFB behaviour, it's a simple rule of " if it ain't broke don't fix it." Happy kids who aren't in danger or causing trouble are best left alone, especially in social settings. The sooner everyone learned that the better, so I think OP has done this woman a favour by telling her.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:29

There is no need for the woman to have listened! Some parents tell you all sorts of mad things-you smile and ignore!

zipzap · 06/08/2012 22:30

I'd have said to the bride that you were thinking of complaining to her about the other guest being out of order, unreasonable and upsetting your ds etc but that you didn't think it was worth spoiling her honeymoon time or memories of her wedding which is why you hadn't mentioned it beforehand...

I think that it's one thing if you are at a party like this to pick up and move a child away from a dangerous situation (say he was heading towards the bbq or a pond) - you might do it before the parents would have done it, but actually the intention would have been the safety of the child and so that's ok.

But not on to pick up such a young child who doesn't know you and who you don't know - even more so if you don't know the parents either - and that's without being tipsy.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:38

I have always thought that brides should have all ages at weddings, but I am beginning to see why they want child free if you have this sort of fuss because a young woman guest picks up a wandering DC!! If the wandering DC doesn't like it he makes it loud and clear!
All OP had to say was 'sorry-he doesn't like being picked up so he will be a 'Mr Grumpy' and move him. Hardly worth a second thought.
(except to people like me who will keep out of children at wedding threads-the brides obviously have a point!)

Kayano · 06/08/2012 22:39

If you say that to the bride that's even worse ffs!

You say 'oh I hadn't realised, I was just taken aback she picked up ds' smile and then move on

Get over it!!!!

FreudianSlipper · 06/08/2012 22:39

i hardly saw ds when i went to a wedding in italy and when we went to turkey he was always taken away from me by strangers had a great time

Inertia · 06/08/2012 22:40

The OP 's post of 19.41 says that her ds was obviously scared, pushing away and crying, so not really a new development.

I fail to see why the OP's priority should have been to smile and be charming to the person who had upset her child in the first place. OP was not aggressive or angry; she in fact said that her son didn't like what had happened, rather than accusing the woman of upsetting him. And I certainly don't think OP should show gratitude that her son had been taken off her hands - he'd been playing happily before that.

Kayano · 06/08/2012 22:41

vel the dc didn't cry until later in the thread Wink

Kayano · 06/08/2012 22:42

It's a new development as it only occurred after people didn't agree that it was something to be angry about

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:43

It is a mountain out of a molehill-something to forget and move on and certainly not mull over, for ever, with strangers! They certainly wouldn't understand it in Italy or Turkey-but they would have been used to being touched by strangers from a much younger age.

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 22:46

He didn't cry at the start-he merely struggled to get away-DCs that age do if people they know very well pick them up-they want to be free. Mine would have been grumpy and struggled at that age if I picked them up as their mother when they were exploring.

saintlyjimjams · 06/08/2012 22:52

If anyone took any of my children off my hands at a party I'd be delighted. :lazy:

bobbledunk · 06/08/2012 22:56

She was only trying to be friendly, no need to be nasty about it. If you don't want people interacting with your child then hover behind him in future.

TeapotsInJune · 06/08/2012 23:05

Velmadaphne to be totally frank here, and it's unlike me to be rude, but you sound really, really scary! You'd honestly be livid if someone picked up your child at a wedding and played with him?

maybe I'm just too chilled but I'd be livid if someone punched my DD or livid if DH had an affair and emptied the bank account or ... maybe it's a different use of the word but I can think of maybe five times in my entire adult life when I have genuinely been livid and I cannot imagine anything beyond mild annoyance if someone accidentally made DD cry!