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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to split costs in three?

138 replies

ElizabethDarcy · 06/08/2012 14:32

My DH and I go away with my single brother now and again - we try and get a family room, and split the cost in three.

A couple of times, when he has made the booking, I have paid what he has said is our share... and then realised afterwards that he had simply added the cost of the single room and the double room together, and split the cost in 3. So we ended up paying more for our double room = subsidizing his room.

We have an upcoming weekend away and he will have a twin room and us a double... and he's said 'let's just split it in 3'... and I really do not think it's fair. Have said we need a family room, or he pays (in full) for his own room.

AIBU?

He thinks I am... 'poor me, always paying so much as a single person...' The usual story. We cannot help it that he is single.

OP posts:
MadgeHarvey · 06/08/2012 23:46

Superb post Where - keenly awaiting OP's response

Inertia · 06/08/2012 23:52

Exactly what WhereYouLeftIt said. Sounds like going away so much with your brother is causing more problems than it solves.

You are allowed to spend some time alone with your husband , and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 06/08/2012 23:53

OP, please stop doing this to yourself.

CaliforniaLeaving · 07/08/2012 01:15

Honestly time to cut him loose. Go on holiday with your Dh you don't need a third wheel that whines. Maybe have a chat, he doesn't want to be single then he needs to be more personable and not a big whining mooch. It's not attractive.

Firebird20 · 07/08/2012 06:56

Absolutely ridiculous situation, he sounds more like a leech than a brother!

Uppermid · 07/08/2012 07:07

Simple solution. Cancel the weekend then plan your own. Seriously, you need to grow a pair. This is going to carry on, he isn't going to change so you need to manage him better.

Isityouorme · 07/08/2012 07:27

Stop pandering to him now. What are you going to do when he is old and single and has nowhere to live as he has retired .... He will come live with you! And you will have MUG still written on your forehead!

YANBU ..... Not at all!

myBOYSareBONKERS · 07/08/2012 07:29

Whats going to happen when you have your (much wanted) children? Is he going to act like a jealous "older" child that your attention is elsewhere???

You will not want that stress when you have your first child. Sort it out now and start putting distance between you and him as his expectations of you and your poor DH is too high

Snog · 07/08/2012 08:01

I think that you are enabling your db to act as a child not an adult with respect to holidays. Until he can behave like an adult he will struggle to find a life partner.

You have been kind to your brother but he needs to grow up and you need to help him with some tough love. Stop sharing rooms and stop subsidising him.

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 07/08/2012 08:43

My mum, sister and I have often shared a family room too, as adults, we've never had a problem with this. We split mum's cost btwn us.

As I have said... we are a close family and often holiday together. When holidaying with the other sibs (and their kids) costs are split fairly... with this one sib though... it's often difficult due to him being single and the whole supplement thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 07/08/2012 08:46

'What are you going to do when he is old and single and has nowhere to live as he has retired .... He will come live with you! '

haha oh yes... this thought has crossed my mind already... my DH has a health condition though, so would need care himself, and he comes before anyone else. My mum is on her own and has already said she'd like to split her time btwn her children...

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 07/08/2012 08:57

WhereYouLeftIt.... we arrange holidays together... he cannot help it that he is restricted to non term time holiday periods... nor that he is single... and needs a supplement. But we cannot help that either, so compromise is needed.

We have (as mentioned) decided to never do a week long holiday during school holiday time again... told him, he didn't like it.. but that's tough. We will only do weekends away with him.

My DH and I do go away on our own too of course.

He has cancelled the rooms he booked (as I asked him to) and I am looking at other places now, and will decide where we go. We will not be supplementing his holiday.

Thanks for all the feedback, it has been helpful. I find it hard to find the middle road... of being a kind and considerate sister, along with not being a mug/taken advantage of. If we have kids that would change things even more.

OP posts:
BiscuitNibbler · 07/08/2012 08:58

Agree totally with Snog.

You aren't doing your brother any favours in the long term by allowing him to behave like this.

If he continues to be self-centred and thoughtless he will end up very lonely. At the moment you are implicitly telling him that this behaviour is acceptable, which is very unfair.

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 07/08/2012 09:17

I do believe that his attitude is part reason why he is still single to be frank. Were he a friend he wouldn't get away with half of what he does get away with... but isn't that often the way with family? I also don't like to be petty re every little thing. It's a difficult line at times.

We will not be supplementing his hotel room, he has been told (although he disagrees) it's unfair on us to pay toward a room we aren't using.

I am growing balls!

OP posts:
marfisa · 07/08/2012 09:17

I'm glad you're standing up to him; he's being bloody cheeky.

If he were going on holiday on his own, he would have to pay for one room.

If you and your DH were going on your own, the two of you would have to pay for one room.

So why, when he comes with you, does he suddenly expect himself to pay less and you to pay more? Shock

If he wants to split the cost of a room, he should bring his own partner or friend along to share a room with HIM!

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 07/08/2012 09:55

I agree Marfisa...

OP posts:
MNsFavouriteManHater · 07/08/2012 09:56

Glad to see your cojones are making an appearance after all these years of being in hiding

Now stick to your guns when the whining starts and he tries to get other family members on board against you

Firebird20 · 07/08/2012 09:56

If he earns more than you he should be subsidising you, see how he like them apples!

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 07/08/2012 10:06

I have always paid my own way... this will never change.

Please note I have ignored the birthday gift message... Hmm

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 07/08/2012 10:52

Buy him a £10 book tocken for his birthday.

I would say just because you get on well with your other siblings and holidays with them work, that's no reason to continue to do this with this sibling. Do your other siblings like going away with him?

I would make this the last trip for a while, maybe for a year or so, break the habit then if you want to start again, say "we have booked X hotel for Y weekend, do you want to book at the same one?" Make it clear it's your choice of location and you have already booked your room so he is responsible for arranging his own accomodation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/08/2012 10:55

"I do believe that his attitude is part reason why he is still single to be frank."
Then do the kind thing and TELL HIM that. Obviously it is not going to be an easy conversation, but you have said you are a close family and you OWE him this. If he's any sort of a man he will realise that you are trying to look out for his long-term happiness, and will hopefully be able to do something about it.

Fireandashes · 07/08/2012 13:08

What WhereYouLeftIt said. It's not being a close loving sibling to continue enabling his worsening childish, selfish behaviour and thus make it ever-more difficult for him to find a girlfriend (assuming he wants one).

What does your husband feel about his BIL accompanying you on the majority of your trips away? Does he get an actual say or is there simply an assumption he will conform to the status quo? Between your brother hanging-on, holidays with the rest of your siblings and their children and your mum planning to divide her time between you and your siblings, I wouldn't blame him if he felt as though he married the entire family, not just you.

Freshletticialongjump · 07/08/2012 14:00

FFS! This is a 40 year-old single man on a teaching salary and he can't afford £65 for a room! WTF does he spend his money on then?
I could understand if was supporting a family, but really?
And £65 is not much for a decent room these days.
As for the family room thing. No way would I have him in there with DH as well.

Freshletticialongjump · 07/08/2012 14:01

FFS! This is a 40 year-old single man on a teaching salary and he can't afford £65 for a room! WTF does he spend his money on then?
I could understand if was supporting a family, but really?
And £65 is not much for a decent room these days.
As for the family room thing. No way would I have him in there with DH as well.

RichTeas · 07/08/2012 14:11

Depends who can afford it. If your income (as a couple) is higher than his, then it's a nice gesture for you all to split in three. If your income as a couple if the same or below his, then he could pay for his room individually.