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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mad dh even considered this?

142 replies

dorset04 · 05/08/2012 19:04

So I am having a csection in 4 weeks. Dh has only a few days off planned. I am obvoiusly concerened about this but that's another thread.
However, his latest gem is that he could take a day off work to take kids to a theme park in the holidays.
Obviously this is not going to happen but I am furious he even considered it for a second.
Surely if he can grab back any holiday it should be used to suport us after section.
It almost feels like he doesn't really care about me or new baby.
Maybe I am being abit unreasonable as I suppose it is nice him wanting to do something nice for our existing dc.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Original poster
dorset04 · 05/08/2012 22:45

Probably for the same reasons I am being told its ok for dh to take kids out for a day rhonda which probably makes me seem a bit of a hypocrite. (a nice holiday just the 4 of us before things change) However, the difference is we haven't had a proper holiday for years and this was planned prebirth. Plus we would lose money cancelling it.
You are right is is probably a case of just not thinking. As pregnant ladies we are constantly aware of all things pregnancy but sometimes i think our men are more detached from it.

OP posts:
Original poster
dorset04 · 05/08/2012 22:46

Sorry planned, booked and paid for pre finding out about pregnancy.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/08/2012 22:48

Right. Sorry. The day out is planned before the birth. I still can't see the big problem about letting the DC's enjoy a day at a theme park. It's not DH's fault he can't take a longer paternity leave if they can't afford to. It's only one day after all and I can't see it will make such a huge difference in the long run.

The best thing would be to try and get some help from somebody after the birth for a few hours a day if your DH can't get the time off work. Why not get your MIL in to help anyway. She'd probably be really pleased to do it.

rhondajean · 05/08/2012 22:54

Dorset - you have every right to be unreasonable btw - but don't be furious with the poor man for wanting to take his kids out! Fury is a step too far.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 05/08/2012 22:56

Flipping heck, I can tell some people on this thread have never had a CS or other major surgery, or been close to anyone who has! (And some are still not reading OP's posts properly...)

AThingInYourLife · 05/08/2012 22:56

People saying YABU are idiots.

You are having a section, he needs to take more than 3 days off to support you then.

If he had days of A/L to take, he must keep them until then.

Taking a day's holiday to take children to a theme park when he is leaving you dangerously unsupported with those same children and a newborn is not "a nice thought".

He's being a selfish, inconsiderate, uncaring twat.

rhondajean · 05/08/2012 23:02

Actually I have had a CS...

Selfish inconsiderate uncaring twat? Are you for real????

MakeHayNotStraw · 05/08/2012 23:03

I don't think either of you are BU, actually - as long as he has contingency plans in place in case your recovery isn't as smooth as hopefully it will be and that this extra day hasn't eaten up those contingencies.

BTW, on many car insurance policies there actually isn't anything specifying length of time after a csection before you can drive (I've asked two different ones after my sections). They both said that as long as you could lift both feet off the ground (for emergency stop, not vital for my automatic car though) and you felt ok then it was fine. Dr said the same thing when I asked, just checked if I felt up to it. I was driving by 4 weeks with both and could have done earlier (I was lucky, many women don't feel this good).

Whether you feel fine or not, though, it's totally ok to need a bit of help, cs or not, and your DH might need to try to realise this.

AThingInYourLife · 05/08/2012 23:04

And one extra day of support after a CS is absolutely worth having.

It is totally fucking crazy and massively irresponsible of him to be lying about how much A/L he has and coming up with plans to squander it when he is already planning to leave you massively stuck when you will be relying on him.

BlueCanary · 05/08/2012 23:05

OP, do you think that it is DHs fault that you can't afford for him to take PL. Presumably you've both had 7/8months to plan your finances to cover 2 weeks of low pay!
It does seem like you think he is to blame.

iggi777 · 05/08/2012 23:06

I got back to my normal routine (housework, shopping etc) after my secomd section, by about 3 weeks.
This may be why my wound reopened and I'm still receiving medical treatment 3 months on. Just saying.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 05/08/2012 23:08

OP, YANBU. I suspect DH hasnt thought about it.

Has he absolutely said he will take 3 days off after but reduce to 2 if he does this?

Can DH take older children to a theme park one weekend after the c-section (once you are ok to be left, or maybe you get a friend over). They can bond and you will have more peace. Plus parks will also be less manic in autumn.

But also aren't theme parks about £100 these days anyway? Surely better For him to do something cheaper.

AThingInYourLife · 05/08/2012 23:08

I absolutely am for real.

Just like the frightening morons who think so little of men that they consider "thinking" to be beyond them and are so astonished at any willingness to spend time with their children that they overlook blatantly shitty behaviour towards their wives.

He has no business using up annual leave before this baby comes. He has responsibilities that he is already failing to meet.

BlueCanary · 05/08/2012 23:15

Athing - what responsibilities is he already failing to meet?

Op says they don't have enough money for him to take full PL, not that he just doesn't fancy doing so.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 05/08/2012 23:16

yanbu.

the children will need his care after your c section.

if there is not enough money for paternity leave, how come there is enough for the theme park? (entrance/petrol/food etc would add up to at least half a days pay)

a trip to a theme park pre- birth is a luxury. the children have been doing stuff every day and are getting a holiday, they do not need a trip to a theme park too.

is this attitude why you can not afford to have paternity leave?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/08/2012 23:19

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan

I suspect the reason why they can't afford maternity leave is the weeks holidays that has been booked pre birth.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/08/2012 23:20

paternity not maternity

AThingInYourLife · 05/08/2012 23:22

He's failing in his responsibility to support his wife and care for his family post-CS.

If he can't afford to take paternity leave, then he should be taking annual leave.

How can it be that his entire year's worth of leave, bar 3 (or is it 4 Hmm) has come to be used up?

It's not like this baby is having a quickie 2 month gestation.

He had time to save either money or leave.

He has done neither.

And now another day of leave has materialised that would extend his time at home post-CS by 33% and he thinks he should spend it in Alton fucking Towers.

The irresponsible cock.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 05/08/2012 23:22

fair enough if that is the reason. but a man who says they can not afford to go on paternity leave, yet thinks they can afford to go to a theme park makes me suspect that there is more to it.

sarahtigh · 05/08/2012 23:25

the stuff about car insurance is nonsense, you can't drive unless fit, if you can do emergency stop it's fine some Dr advise 4 weeks others 6 some less than 4. I had ECS and drove after 4,

I think he may have been slightly thougtless but probably comes from a good thought take DC's out, I do not think he is being deliberately selfish or uncaring

Annual leave which is limited is full pay, paternity leave is £130 a week, if she had complications he would probably be able to take paternity/ compassionate leave but first would be at rate, OP says they can not afford and compassionate leave is often unpaid

spongebrainfatpants · 05/08/2012 23:26

www.worksmart.org.uk/rights/paternity_leave.

I don't know if this link is any help to you op.

I have had 2 sections. I needed my H around for a good week after both. And ere we're no complications with e section but I was in pain and found it ha to walk. Tbh, the school runs would have been a struggle for about 3 weeks. I had a friend do mine for me (1st child not a section)

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/08/2012 23:44

AThingInYourLife
"If he can't afford to take paternity leave, then he should be taking annual leave.
How can it be that his entire year's worth of leave, bar 3 (or is it 4 ) has come to be used up?

He had time to save either money or leave.
He has done neither.
The irresponsible cock."

there is a huge amount of "he" in your post and very little "they"

foreverondiet · 05/08/2012 23:52

I don't know, I would encourage this, I would rather my DH took my older kids to a theme park and had special dad time with them, esp if I was big and wasn't really up to it but then I was happy after the birth to have my cleaner / mum / mother in law etc helping me.

However if money is very tight and you don't have a good support network such that you need his time more than your older kids, maybe point out to him why its not a good idea, but YABU to dismiss it out of hand.

AThingInYourLife · 05/08/2012 23:52

Yeah, because I was on a previous thread and I know that he is the one who insists p/l is not affordable and who has decreed that only 3 days a/l are available.

AThingInYourLife · 05/08/2012 23:56

My mother would be pretty unimpressed at having to come to care for me and my older children only days post partum because my husband preferred to go on trips to theme parks before the baby arrived.

The entire family will need him after the birth.

That is way, way, way more important than a trip to a theme park, which could happen just as easily on a weekend with no use of a/l.