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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mad dh even considered this?

142 replies

dorset04 · 05/08/2012 19:04

So I am having a csection in 4 weeks. Dh has only a few days off planned. I am obvoiusly concerened about this but that's another thread.
However, his latest gem is that he could take a day off work to take kids to a theme park in the holidays.
Obviously this is not going to happen but I am furious he even considered it for a second.
Surely if he can grab back any holiday it should be used to suport us after section.
It almost feels like he doesn't really care about me or new baby.
Maybe I am being abit unreasonable as I suppose it is nice him wanting to do something nice for our existing dc.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 05/08/2012 20:15

I say YANBU.

I think some of the others haven't read the thread properly! The DH has only very limited holiday available to him at all, which is why he only plans to take a very short time off after the birth. So any holidays he takes before the birth will directly reduce what he could potentially take after the birth to support OP with her 2 older children, new baby and CS wound.

I was in hospital for 2 or 3 nights after my CS - but still found various things difficult once I got home after that, especially getting up from lying in bed, and picking up DS from his basket. You are also not allowed to lift anything heavy and have various other restrictions for the first week or two. I was very glad DH was around to help for the first two weeks (and I didn't even have older DCs to look after!).

HumphreyCobbler · 05/08/2012 20:18

I agree that he should be saving all the leave he is entitled to until after the birth, not using it now.

I feel as if I am reading a different thread to lots of the rest of you.

If the OP had done a "My DH will only take three days off after c-section" thread I feel there may have been a slightly different response.

AhsokaTano · 05/08/2012 20:30

I would have thought his plan sounds nice for the children.

My opinion however may be affected by the fact that I am also having a section in 4 weeks and DH will probably only have the day of the op off. I've been told that the hospital only keep you 24 hrs post-op all being well so have my fingers crossed all will be fine.

Think of a whole day off if he takes the kids out for the day! Also, if your other children are school age could you enlist friends to take them to and from school for a couple of weeks? Or maybe put them temporarily into breakfast/ after school club and get DH to take them and pick them up on his way to work?

Original poster
dorset04 · 05/08/2012 20:30

Our hospital don't keep you in long if all is well. Section is on Tuesday so should be out Thursday am if all is well. (was out in 36 hours last time) Unfortunately I also agree we would struggle to survive on paternity. (Had a few unexpected bills in the last couple of month)
If things are really bad and I am stuck in hospital MIL could help or he would work from home.

OP posts:
AhsokaTano · 05/08/2012 20:31

I also have 2 school age children and have had a previous section so am hopeful my suggestions above will work for me!

HumphreyCobbler · 05/08/2012 20:33

I am curious to know what kind of jobs people do, that they don't take more than a couple of days off when their children are born? What if there are complications?

DontmindifIdo · 05/08/2012 20:34

I think you need him to line up working from home for the first 3 weeks if you can. If he can at least take the DCs to school and bring them back, that would make your life a lot easier.

But any holiday allowance should be for those first few weeks. Taking the DCs out for the day is a 'nice to have' not 'important' for the family as a whole.

Original poster
dorset04 · 05/08/2012 20:34

Hope everything goes well Ahsoka. Puts my dilemma into perspective. I am hoping to get school run sorted. Although person doing it has a child who is often poorly so its a bit touch and go.
Unfortunately breakfast and after school club wouldn't help as leaves too early and gets home too late for that.

OP posts:
Pinner35 · 05/08/2012 20:37

Could you use a childminder for the school runs? I am an CM and would have no objection to a short term arrangement at all.

pendleberry · 05/08/2012 20:51

I drove myself home after a c section as my husband had to work their wise he would have lost his job . It is totally up to you how you work this. I think you are tbu . He obviously loves you so go with the flow. Having a baby is amazingnbutmyoumhave other children to consider

whattocallmyself · 05/08/2012 21:04

driving straight after c section invalidates your insurance, taxi should have been used.

a day at the theme park would prob cost same as lost earnings to have a week on pat leave.

Whatevertheweather · 05/08/2012 21:05

Is the school run walkable dorset? dd2 was born 25/08 last year and I was walking just over a mile round trip by the start of term with dd1. If I'm honest I don't really remember how I felt I just know that I did it! I didn't drive for around a month though just in case.

Those saying take the dc's to theme park once baby is born a) they will be back at school and b) what difference would that make op would still be on her own. I read it that he is taking 3 days after the birth regardless and the theme park would be an additional day in the holidays not that it would reduce after birth days to 2.

Also sorry if this sounds harsh but you say you're all going away for a weeks holiday before the c-section date - I'm assuming this is coming out of your dh's holiday allowance too? Perhaps if you are that concerned about after birth you could cut that holiday short by say 2 days and he could use that after? It's really hard if you can't use paternity leave as AL entitlement is not endless.

Original poster
dorset04 · 05/08/2012 21:12

I could probably walk school run. Well I do walk it now. I think its just the fact that i am being told no i can't take more than 3 days after birth as I don't have it. Originally he was only going to take 2. However, suddenly this extra day is now available. Yes we could cut this holiday short but I don't think either of us want to as its our 1st proper holiday in a couple of years and it was booked pre pregnancy.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 05/08/2012 21:16

I really really hate this idea that you should do everything as normal after having a baby. Just because some women feel fine, does not mean every woman will feel fine. I have had two sections and felt very different after each one.

You will have just had major abdominal surgery. You have a newborn baby to feed and care for. You should have some fucking help!

BlueCanary · 05/08/2012 21:19

So OP, you don't want to cut your holiday short. And you agree that as a family you can't afford for your DH to take full PL.

I'm not sure why any of this situation is specifically your DHs fault?

RuthlessBaggage · 05/08/2012 21:30

" I think you need him to line up working from home for the first 3 weeks if you can. If he can at least take the DCs to school and bring them back, that would make your life a lot easier. "

This. Or can he work funny hours eg 10.30-7.00 so that you're only pulling in favours (or inlaws) once a day? Or any chance of work-from-home overtime to buy back an extra day or two?

YANBU to veto the plan, but HINBU to have thought of it. His relationship with the existing DCs is important and it is the kind of plan men come up with without realising how it will be received.

beautyguru · 05/08/2012 21:39

Yanbu, agree with taking the kids out is a lovely idea however he should take them on a weekend/normal day off then he doesn't have to use a valuable holiday day. These should be used for after baby arrives when you need help after section. Esp if he is not taking pat leave. Surely he could take a week without his salary being badly affected?

CatholicDad · 05/08/2012 21:41

Ruthless

What you have to consider is that he may have had every idea how it would be received. He may have always had four days at his disposal but said he only had three because he wanted to use one pre-birth but was worried it would go down like a lift full of hippos. Which, obviously, it did... :(

BTW I agree 100% with Whatever

Viviennemary · 05/08/2012 21:49

I think he's actually trying to be considerate. So you are being a bit U. He probably thinks, take kids out and give you a nice peaceful day with the new baby. You'll have a nice day and the other kids will have fun. Can't see the big problem with that.

lancs02 · 05/08/2012 22:27

I think day out is planned for before birth Vivienne
I think YNBU op. I too am about to have my 3rd section and I am quite worried about it. I would want as much support as possible post birth.

BarredfromhavingStella · 05/08/2012 22:30

YABU, he wants to take kids to a theme park for the day which I think sounds nice for them-new babies are a big thing for the other children in a family & some dad time I'm sure will be much appreciated.......

RuthlessBaggage · 05/08/2012 22:34

I am not sure thinking means the same to the average expectant father as it does to the average expectant mother. I was amazed at DH's capacity to not think about our pregnancies. He could have lunch without thinking that we were pregnant. He twice accepted jobs that were due to start within days of EDD.

If he deliberately held one back to go on a jolly then that would be vvvvvU but I consider it far more likely he just isn't thinking at all.

rhondajean · 05/08/2012 22:35

Hang on hang on.

Up there^

So you are all - including him - taking a week off before baby to go on holiday? So why didn't you want him to keep that week for after baby???

ThePhantomDeregisterer · 05/08/2012 22:38

YANBU at all. Not. At. All.

Days out come way behind support after major abdominal surgery after which you have to look after a small baby as well as other children.

But no, apparently the bar is set so low for men in relationships that having a fun day out is seen as so much nicer than giving proper support in a time of need.

No, he doesn't get fun summer days if it takes away from support during difficult post birth times. FFS.

RuthlessBaggage · 05/08/2012 22:43

Rhonda makes a good point. Particularly if money is v tight.