to be angry and resentful at DH re. settling baby in the night

[MungoJumbo]

DD is 8mo and a terrible sleeper, she wakes every 1-2 hrs from midnight every night. I have tried absolutely everything to get her to sleep better except for CC which I just won't do. I haven't had ONE good night's sleep since she was born - that's 240 nights of hell!! I am bfing and also have a toddler with SN who goes to nursery 2 days a week. I am beyond exhausted and feel at the end of my tether but I am still highly functioning during the day, put lots of effort into playing/interecting with both DCs, keep the house clean and tidy (although we have a cleaner once a week so that doesn't take up too much time) do all the shopping and cooking.

DH has a stressful job and does not function well when he's tired. Sometimes I give him the monitor so he can help me in the night but half the time he doesn't even wake up when she cries (he sleeps in the spare room so he can get a proper night's sleep, the idea is that if he's slept well he can help me more in the day) and when he does come and help DD usually ends up screaming for ages as she's so used to me settling her and doesn't want anyone else, so I end up getting up anyway and just feeling even more angry. If he's got up once or twice in the night he is awful the next day, moping around saying how tired he is and just sitting on the sofa doing the bare minimum re. Interacting with the DCs.

I know put like that, DH does not come off well. BUT he is a wonderful DH, loving, affectionate, generous, caring, patient, tries v hard to make up for the rubbish nights by giving me a lie in at weekends, comes home from work to help with bathtime every night even when he is mega busy and its inconvenient for him, does a fair amount around the house (but not cooking as he is just not good and I prefer to do it anyway), and I know he feels frustrated that DD settles better with me.

I genuinely don't think he can help being a deep sleeper and being someone who doesn't function well when tired, he obviously can't bf and it just backfires when he tries to help at night. BUT I am still lying here seething with resentment as I have had 3 hrs sleep tonight and feel like there's no point trying to get back to sleep now as DD will just wake up in 20-30mins anyway. AIBU to feel like this and what can I DO???!!! I have been coping really well so far but just want to scream atm.

Sorry its long.

This sounds awful and is my fear. I've just cried my eyes out because I fell asleep with my baby in my arms last night. My DH has just picked her up and changed her, passed her to me for a BF and is now soundly asleep again.

He was slightly better in the beginning when she was formula fed but last night he had her for all of an hour and there was huffing and swearing the whole time until the baby was so worked up I insisted on stepping in.

After speaking to friends it's so common. It just seems that it's so easy for partners to carry on as before. I'm sorry I don't have more advice for you but I don't think your partner should be shirking his responsibility. Everyone finds it hard to function with little sleep. You have to manage so should he!

DD2 is EBF, 11 months and has only in the past week started sleeping in longer than 2 hour spurts.

It's possibly an unpopular view on here - but I just get on with it. Like yours, my DH doesn't do well with being tired and is a genuinely deep sleeper. I on the other hand, wake up at the slightest noise and can be back asleep within seconds.

So I let him play to his strengths - gives me lie-ins at weekend, takes DD1 off at the weekend so I only have the baby to manage, brings home take-away when I'm just too wall-fallen to cook

I just console myself that it will get better eventually and that me settling DD2 is faster and calmer for everyone. And that by this time next year he'll be able to take both of them off somewhere for a morning and give me a long, uninterrupted lie-in.

Probably not very helpful. Sorry. Just my take on it.

Ds was very similar and didn't settle into a proper nights sleep (till 4/5am anyway) till I weaned and bottle fed. Turned out he has an upper lip tie and can only take certain bottles but just proves how ineffective his feeding was. And if I hadn't fed so frequently he would have lost weight.

Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear. Btw I didn't wean till after 8 months and my first dc was bf till 9 mths and slept through from 2 weeks.

As per vvviola I did (and still do) all tge night wakings, I'm the one with the boobs and nothing else would settle him.

I feel your pain. My non-sleeper was pfb now 14 years old. DH slept in spare room some of the time so he could have a good night as he worked and I bf. DD2 has SN now 9 years old but thankfully slept. So I was luckier than you.

Unfortunately I don't think there' anything you can do. I remember reading to her, then turning out the light and singing to her and creeping to the door. It could take me an hour to escape.

Sorry I can only offer you a and rather annoyingly tell you that when she's 14 you won't be able to get her out of bed.

I feel your pain. I've been there! Actually I'm still there a lot of the time.

DS2 is 12 months. Sometimes he wakes once in the night, sometimes 4 times. There's no logic. He's still in our room as our house is 2 bed & he probably would sleep better if he wasn't in our room but I can't risk moving him in with DS1 until he's sleeping better. Double edged sword! DH is a very deep sleeper and it's often me that wakes him when I'm getting up not DS. I believe there is a genetic factor involved; women are more likely to wake at high pitched noises (I.e a baby crying) than men. So in some ways they can't actually help it, but that doesn't make it any easier!

In my experience it gets a bit better when they get mobile and are just knackered. And then gets better again when they're walking. With regard to what you can do google The Sleep Lady, No Cry Sleep Solution or Pick Up, Put Down. They might help a little. Until then lots of tea & sympathy; you're not alone!

Why are you against CC? If you've tried everything consistently and nothing works, maybe it's worth a try?

Also, what are his naps like during the day? What time does he go to bed and how is his night time routine?

Just one thing that worked for me... fairly early on with DD1, I told DH that as I did all the night wakings, he would do all the baths.

Worked out very well, the night wakings stopped eventually but DH still supervises bath time, 5 years on. Although now it's more running the bath, chatting to her & washing her hair. Up until DD2 came along, it was a guaranteed 20 minutes peace & quiet/power nap

I've tried co-sleeping and that didn't help, just had her wanting bfing more often as she could obviously smell it. She's 98th centile for height and weight btw, and not very interested in food yet.

I'm against CC as I really think it is damaging and goes against all my instincts. I just couldn't let her scream and scream and not go to her.

Her daytime naps aren't great either but I've worked on them a lot and now got to the stage of 45 mins in the morning and 1 to 1.5hrs after lunch. This has taken a lot of work! She won't sleep any more than that during the day even in the car/pushchair/sling.

She goes to bed at 7, very tired and usually sleeps to midnight. It's midnight to 7am that's the nightmare.

Sounds like the consensus is IABU then.

Can you bring your DD in with you so you don't have to get up to settle her? She may even sleep a bit better (or settle better herself if she does wake) if she's near you. At that stage I focused on getting enough sleep to function by whatever means possible!

Sorry x-post!

YANBU. It's natural to feel some resentment when you have been up half the night & your DH is sleeping soundly. Believe me there have been times when I could have quite cheerfully throttled DH for sleeping so peacefully while I'm up yet again with DS.

The worst one is when I finally get DS2 to sleep then DH starts snoring.

Just giving sympathy...I have a 16 month old who has slept through less than 10 times in her life. Due to me breastfeeding and DD being incredibly clingy, DH only got up to her during the night probably less than 5 times. This was a mix of her just not accepting him during the night (perhaps because she wasn't used to it!) and the fact that it seemed slightly better for a harmonious marriage only one of us to be shattered the next day.

two things that helped for us were me sleeping on a mattress in DD's room so that DH could get good sleep during the week, on the agreement that I got both lie-ins on the weekend, and eventually we put DD's cot back in our room due to visitors needing her room. The cot is still in our room as we find she sleeps better, down to approx 1 waking per night and we now share dealing with her. I also didn't want to do CC (tried it once - awful!) and I don't like cosleeping - DH and I don't get any sleep as we're getting kicked and pulled at! Good luck

Actually Mungo I'm not sure YABU entirely, but I'm not sure there's much you can do about it right now, and it's probably not a great use of your (scarce!) energy right now.

If he's willing to help in other ways, would that make you feel a bit better? Phrasing it as "seeing as I do all the night wake-ups, can you do...?"

I found getting angry with DH about it all just doesn't help, and I feel even more tired.

Make sure he's under instructions to provide plenty of tea, sympathy, lie-ins & chocolate. And remember "this too will pass". I promise.

She is in a cot next to the bed but I still end up getting up because she needs rocking to stop her screaming and to get her to sleep.

DH does do bathtime but unfortunately I can't relax then as I have to do physio with DS before he goes to bed.

All these people who say their DHs don't cope well with sleep deprivation - no-one does!

Mungo - could you arrange to go to bed at 9.30 and your DH be "in charge" of settling until 1am? Then he can get 6 hours of sleep in the spare room while you cope 1am-7am? And you be guaranteed 3.5 hours of solid sleep each night before the wakings start? It seems to me that's the least he can do...

Ah I see she's in a cot next to the bed - is there anywhere else she could sleep until 1am so you could have the room to yourself during that time? Or could you sleep in the spare room until you're "on shift"?

I really do sympathise as it sounds awful and lack of sleep is terrible. However, from your post it does sound as though your DH is a very involved father and trying hard, the real problem is your DD sleep (or lack of it) and if BF is the best thing that works to resettle her in the night then I am not sure what the solution is.

My only suggestion would be will she take a bottle? If so, could you express enough for several bottles in the night and one night at the weekend he can do the night shift, you sleep in the spare room, and then he gets to lie in the following morning?

At least then you get one night a week on your own and with the doors closed you might be able to sleep through.............

Really hope things improve for you soon though.

The only way I survived this was to get DH to stay awake til 12 or 1 (he was a night owl), and get to DS1 before he started really going for it. He got better at settling with practice, and I knew that he would deal with it til the baby monitor was switched on, I seemed to sleep better, and blocked out the shorter wakes (we don't actually need the monitor, but it seemed to allow me to sleep more deeply til it was buzzing next to me!)

I guess if your husband is an early riser, could he take over from, say 5am, and let you get a couple of uninterrupted hours before he goes to work?

It does get better (were at 3 years of limited full nights), but its horrible while its happening.

Josie got there before me...
Must learn to type and think quicker!

I have exactly the same problem as you. DD in the 99th percentile for weight, 97the for height, has been bfing like crazy since birth, won't sleep more than 2 hours at a time.

Can your DP take the DCs for a few hours during the day at the weekends, maybe even leave the house with them so that there is complete silence, so you can sleep? Even two or three hours will help a lot.

If it's any help DD started allowing DP to put her to sleep (and back to sleep) around 12 months old, so now (14 months) it is slightly easier in that we can take it in turns ocassionally.

I did all the nights with both children, just like you. First slept well second not so well. Dh did nothing.

If baby is that big you need to wean her, i would talk to the HV about food. My DD was off the scale and fed a lot, she was weaned at 4m (blw) when she slept really well.

As for cc you can do a very controlled version of it, go in sooth, leave, wait five min, go in sooth, wait ten mins etc. it works very well. It's not cruel its managing the situation. She's not tiny and she can go through if you change her feeding pattern. She doesn't really need to feed so much at night.

I feel for you its torture. Xx

Naps wise sounds about right, any more than that and she probably wouldn't be tired enough. I think the problem lies with her lack of interest in food. How many times are you feeding her during the day? My DS was a FF so I can't equate to how difficult it is to wean her off BF but by 8 months she should be having 3 small meals of something a day and she won't really show any interest in food if she's always full of milk.

I find my DS (14 myths) wakes up in the night if he's had a bad day food wise as he's hungry so if you could get her onto solids this may help stretch her out.