to be angry and resentful at DH re. settling baby in the night

[MungoJumbo]

DD is 8mo and a terrible sleeper, she wakes every 1-2 hrs from midnight every night. I have tried absolutely everything to get her to sleep better except for CC which I just won't do. I haven't had ONE good night's sleep since she was born - that's 240 nights of hell!! I am bfing and also have a toddler with SN who goes to nursery 2 days a week. I am beyond exhausted and feel at the end of my tether but I am still highly functioning during the day, put lots of effort into playing/interecting with both DCs, keep the house clean and tidy (although we have a cleaner once a week so that doesn't take up too much time) do all the shopping and cooking.

DH has a stressful job and does not function well when he's tired. Sometimes I give him the monitor so he can help me in the night but half the time he doesn't even wake up when she cries (he sleeps in the spare room so he can get a proper night's sleep, the idea is that if he's slept well he can help me more in the day) and when he does come and help DD usually ends up screaming for ages as she's so used to me settling her and doesn't want anyone else, so I end up getting up anyway and just feeling even more angry. If he's got up once or twice in the night he is awful the next day, moping around saying how tired he is and just sitting on the sofa doing the bare minimum re. Interacting with the DCs.

I know put like that, DH does not come off well. BUT he is a wonderful DH, loving, affectionate, generous, caring, patient, tries v hard to make up for the rubbish nights by giving me a lie in at weekends, comes home from work to help with bathtime every night even when he is mega busy and its inconvenient for him, does a fair amount around the house (but not cooking as he is just not good and I prefer to do it anyway), and I know he feels frustrated that DD settles better with me.

I genuinely don't think he can help being a deep sleeper and being someone who doesn't function well when tired, he obviously can't bf and it just backfires when he tries to help at night. BUT I am still lying here seething with resentment as I have had 3 hrs sleep tonight and feel like there's no point trying to get back to sleep now as DD will just wake up in 20-30mins anyway. AIBU to feel like this and what can I DO???!!! I have been coping really well so far but just want to scream atm.

Sorry its long.

Wy not give the CC a go if you've tried everything else on the theory that it will be better in the long run if you are less tired through the day. And as somebody else says try the version where you don't switch on lights don't talk just a few cuddles and then back down again. DD wasn't a good sleeper. Three or four times in the night. Sometimes more. When I went back to work though I found even if I had to get up once in the night I was totally and absolutely shattered the next day.

Only skim read so far, but I don't think anyone has suggested putting her in her own room? It might be that she is waking up to the sounds of you in the night and might therefore benefit from her own bit of peace and quiet. Unless she will be in with her bro.

Also if she isn't sleeping well now, then maybe you have nothing to lose with it being unsettling for her to change rooms iyswim

A friend of mine recommends allowing a baby to cry for 15 minutes, but staying within hearing distance for the baby (but not visible) so that they can hear you're still there. They'll know they haven't been abandoned but will get tired out through crying. You pick them up and cuddle them in the end and then put them down to sleep. I haven't tried it but it's in my back pocket should my next baby be a poor sleeper.

I understand how you feel. It is so annoying that my DH can sleep though crying! Even more annoying when he claims to "help" me by staying up then falling asleep on the sofa while I am with DS!

I still breastfeed. For us, DS (15 months) goes to bed late, round ten ish. I stay up a few hours (1am) then go to bed. When DS wakes up then he comes to our bed where We co sleep until 8 ish, I don't sleep so well when we are co sleeping but it is better than nothing. I found that if I get one four hour stretch in the beginning of the night I can cope okay. Also, a few times a week I nap with DS and feed him while napping. But that depends on when he wants it.

I also prefer if my DH has had more sleep so that he helps more and complains less!

So not much advice really except if your DD went to sleep later you might get some sleep in the first part of the night. Good luck.

Ps. I only have one child! So may not be helpful.

It took just over a week for removing dairy (from DD2 & my diets) to start to show an effect. And apparently it can take up to a month for all traces to be out of your/their system.

She is a very happy easy going child during the day, it seemed to be only at night that the stomach pains bothered her, maybe because she was distracted during the day?

We were referred for a skin prick test as she had skin reactions too, but looking at excluding dairy (your GP should be able to advise I guess) might be a possible help?

Pps. Yanbu. But I think men just aren't able to wake up as easily. Weirdly my DH wakes up when the sleep apnea monitors goes off very quickly.

I think if you are SAHM and your DH is working then YABU for resenting him not getting up. You can 'catch up' on sleep/rest during the day.

If your DD is in your room can you try a bedside cot where you can just reassure her with a touch without having to get up/wake up fully?

If your baby is crashing at 7pm I suspect she's a bit overtired hence the regular wakings in second half of night. Try pulling bedtime earlier so she's asleep by half 6 and get to bed early yourself if you can. Try for a week or so.

My two are shitty sleepers so I feel your pain!

Just wanted to add to whoever posted that bf is enough up to 12 months, i strongly disagree with this. The op's baby is 98th centile. That's a big baby, probably 12months on the 'average 'scale.
My own bf dd was eating masses of real food at 8 months and slightly bigger than op's.

Please go talk to your HV, all babies are different but big babies need a lot of nutrition. ( feeding her yourself will be exhausting you no end)

My baby's 98th centile he only eats like crazy through the night if he's having a growth spurt. He can sleep through. I suspect the Op's baby is drinking some of the time or using the nipple just to settle at others.

Hey OP, i just wanted left to reassure you that you're not alone (if that helps!)

DS is almost one & still wakes frequently, however he has got loads better over the last few weeks. This is what worked for us:

• swapped rooms around so that our old (tiny) 'office' became DS's room. He watched us do this, did lots of crawling around & looking at things & has been much happier in there than in our room or what was his room. It sounds like you don't have another room, but could you partition off part of your room or the landing or somewhere to create a smaller, more manageable, space? I know it sounds crazy but i think DS was confused / distracted by the bigger room.

• after his last bf of the day (at 7ish) i hand him to DH to put down. This has helped him get used to DH settling him so...

• if he wakes after less than three hours overnight, DH goes to him. It took a few days of frustration (mine mostly) to get uSed to this, but dh is now better at overnight settling than me.

Good luck.

I still think she's having too many BFs during the day. 5 is a lot as well as meals. If she was having less feeds and more solids I think she'd sleep more. If you know you'll be fed every 3 hours then why would you stay asleep?

Feeling your pain. I am WOHM with SAH DH. I do all night wakings for both toddler and baby, always have and it seems, always will. Fortunately there aren't many, but I do get very tired.

I think sometimes (e.g. Friday nights?) you will just have to insist on a break with your DH in charge. Generally if you know it's on you to deal with it, you tend not to sleep through the crying.

When I was BFing still I just got on with it :( Once we were onto formula, it was absolutely OH's job to go and get the bottle, fetch the baby, put the baby in bed with us and then I would hold the bottle. Every time. Because it was his turn.

I found instructions work well for DH phrased along lines of "as I do all weekly wake-ups as you are at work then at the weekend I need you to do it/give me a lie-in etc.DH did weekend nights and I slept in spare room which was good as the crying was further away. When I formally "gave" him responsibility he did wake up more. He couldn;t see the point of him getting invovled until I asked as I could settle DS so much faster - it was a simple logic equation with none of the emotional stuff factored in.

Someone suggested sleeping in shifts - probably best tbh although it can be lonely when you don;t see each other.

Also DH almost crashed the car with all of us in it when tired so he is officially more rubbish at being tired - honestly, no stamina so I have had to accept that he really is pathetic and not just putting it on . Funnily enough he has got better at waking as time wears on.

Please don;t just fester and say something, you'll end up rowing about something else entirely!

My firend used ot get her DH to bring her the baby to BF. SO they could both be knackered presumably

Have you tried putting her in her own room?? I was absolutely not ready to put DD in her own room at 6 months but she was disturbing DH and I, and I have no doubt we were disturbing her. Once in her own room she slept much better and so did we. I would also suggest you keep persevering with the weaning, my DD was EBF and by 5 months was definitely waking at night with hunger. The sooner she gets on to solids, especially protein and carbs, the better!!

Also just wanted to say - at some point it WILL get better. Truly. Hang in there

So true, it always gets better :-)

This may not be popular but have you considered switching to formula? She's had a good stint of breastmilk now, it's far, far easier to get some kind of feeding routine and it also means your DH (and other people) can do proper stints.

But she's having (and eating plenty of) solid food Minesaguinness, she's not a tiny thing...

Haven't been out of those circumstances all that long (but long enough for DH and me to wake up with a smile on our faces as we realise it's approaching 7 by the alarm clock and not 2, or 4, or 5....oh the luxury). But I would suggest 2 or 3 combined things from different sources.

1. Just got hold of 'Secrets of the Baby Whisperer'. DD is a bit old for the advice now but looking at it with hindsight it seems really sensible and effective and I should have put it into practice earlier and saved us the 10-15 month sleep hell, which was by far the worst period. It won't suggest CC.

2. In order to carry that out (it is the pick up-put down technique), get your DH to take a week off work (how about the bank holiday one coming up?) and alternate nights with him strictly. Even if you don't sleep while he is having to deal with her and still lose just as much sleep, this is most important as it will lead DD not to expect you every time she hollers and to accept that she won't get a feed each time. If she is in 'your' room then you need to alternate with your DH in who sleeps in the spare room as well.

3. Create a bedtime routine, every part of which she likes, and stick to it. We seem to have cracked it with a photo of all 3 of us that she can see from her cot, next to a lamp that is a dawn simulator. Its original purpose was to wake me up. It takes 30 mins to go from very dim to full simulated sunlight and that is meant to stimulate the 'daytime' brain but you can also reverse it to make a sunset effect. This is lovely and calming for DD and we say night night to everyone in the photo and I tell her we will put the lamp down on them to go to sleep, I dim it down so the room is quite calm and then it dims the rest of the way to dark itself. She has 10 mins of lullaby and 10 of nature sounds from a music box thing. I lie on a mattress next to her cot for that 20 mins then leave. If she stands up in her cot making a fuss, I kneel and cuddle her for as long as she's standing (not that long when tired) but do not get her out again. Repeat if she does it again.

4. Keep a diary of times, lengths of time awake, naps, behaviour on waking, and what worked to get her back to sleep. This is really tough and I hated doing it but you CAN see improvement over about 4 weeks, maybe earlier, so it does have a value.

Good luck. It does get better (and then a bit worse, and then a bit better, but I have everything crossed to think we have cracked it now).

LongTallJosie I don't think she is eating lots of solids, based on what the OP said previously. Yes she's not small but I think (personally) that's more down to the 5 BFs she's having so she can't fill up on solids, she's probably never hungry enough.

Perhaps if the OP comes back they can enlighten us - I would imagine the night-time feeds are more of a get-back-to-sleep pattern they've both got into. But then you can only go on your own experience and my own 99th centile DD was BF and sleeping through by that age