to be angry and resentful at DH re. settling baby in the night

[MungoJumbo]

DD is 8mo and a terrible sleeper, she wakes every 1-2 hrs from midnight every night. I have tried absolutely everything to get her to sleep better except for CC which I just won't do. I haven't had ONE good night's sleep since she was born - that's 240 nights of hell!! I am bfing and also have a toddler with SN who goes to nursery 2 days a week. I am beyond exhausted and feel at the end of my tether but I am still highly functioning during the day, put lots of effort into playing/interecting with both DCs, keep the house clean and tidy (although we have a cleaner once a week so that doesn't take up too much time) do all the shopping and cooking.

DH has a stressful job and does not function well when he's tired. Sometimes I give him the monitor so he can help me in the night but half the time he doesn't even wake up when she cries (he sleeps in the spare room so he can get a proper night's sleep, the idea is that if he's slept well he can help me more in the day) and when he does come and help DD usually ends up screaming for ages as she's so used to me settling her and doesn't want anyone else, so I end up getting up anyway and just feeling even more angry. If he's got up once or twice in the night he is awful the next day, moping around saying how tired he is and just sitting on the sofa doing the bare minimum re. Interacting with the DCs.

I know put like that, DH does not come off well. BUT he is a wonderful DH, loving, affectionate, generous, caring, patient, tries v hard to make up for the rubbish nights by giving me a lie in at weekends, comes home from work to help with bathtime every night even when he is mega busy and its inconvenient for him, does a fair amount around the house (but not cooking as he is just not good and I prefer to do it anyway), and I know he feels frustrated that DD settles better with me.

I genuinely don't think he can help being a deep sleeper and being someone who doesn't function well when tired, he obviously can't bf and it just backfires when he tries to help at night. BUT I am still lying here seething with resentment as I have had 3 hrs sleep tonight and feel like there's no point trying to get back to sleep now as DD will just wake up in 20-30mins anyway. AIBU to feel like this and what can I DO???!!! I have been coping really well so far but just want to scream atm.

Sorry its long.

Yabu to feel angry and resentful at your dh. By your own admission he's a great dad, he is working hard to support you, he does lots around the house and with the baby anyway... It's your choice to not try cc. Fair enough if as parents you don't want to (I'm assuming you have talked to dh and he agrees? If he has a differing opinion and would like to give cc a go, then I think you should let him).

It's really hard having a poor sleeper but in this situation your dh does not deserve to be resented.

Btw do you think you maybe need to cut out one day time nap? I know it's young but my dd stopped day time naps altogether at 12 months. It makes for a long day with them but if it improves the nights then well worth it IMO.

I believe that more sleep makes more sleep.

At 8 months I'd be expecting a short morning sleep and a good after lunch sleep of two hours or so. Bed at no later than 12 hours of morning start.

I am a card-carrying GF fan though!

I would feel defensive if I was getting no sleep vvviola my boys are older now so not an issue any more although now I moan and get grumpy about mornings that start earlier than 7am,lol!!!

I always tell DH to remind me of the lack of sleep with babies if I ever talk about having any more - it seems to put me off

I didn't intend this to turn into a CC debate. The issue with DD is that she will scream and scream if you leave her. There are situations where I've had to let her cry eg to tend to DS or when we were stuck on a motorway traffic jam for an hour once. She works herself up and screams until she is hoarse. She does the same with PUPD, shush pat and everything else I've tried. She doesn't feed to sleep at night, I put her down awake and she goes to sleep straight away. Most times when she cries in the night I just have to pick her up and cuddle her and she goes back to sleep in 5-10mins. If she doesn't and lunges for boob then I give her a quick feed and put her back down.

I knew people would come along and say its all my fault and "my children slept through the night since they were born" etc (ok slight exaggeration!). That really isn't helpful. My DS slept through from 3 months too. DD is not a good sleeper and never has been. Even if she is asleep in the pram she will wake up at loud noises etc.

Yes I am desperate but not desperate enough to do something that I believe is damaging.

It's not about fault at all, which is why I said YABU to resent and feel anger towards your dh. He has done nothing wrong. Neither have you. I think the cc issue has been discussed simply because some people who have extremely unsettled children and who are desperate , find it works for them very quickly. No one is forcing you though. The only thing I'd say is that if your dh thinks cc is worth trying then you should let him.

Op I sympathize. I tried cc once as a last resort and felt it was very cruel and damaging - like yours, my dc cried until hoarse and choking. I vowed never to do it again. I felt resentful towards dp too, there he was sleeping while I was up all night bf and settling dc. If you can get dh to do more to give you breaks at the weekend maybe that will give you a chance to relax. You sound like a great mum :)

I don't resent him because DD sleeps badly, I resent the fact that he can sleep through it, or that he get what I would call a good night's sleep, complains that he's tired and lies on the sofa the next day. But I accept that IABU to feel like that, its just very difficult to be the one that is awake all night listening to him snoring peacefully and then be the one dealing with the DCs all day because he is tired.

He doesn't want to do CC either and he doesn't think it would work.

Thanks hawaii !

Ok fair enough if he doesn't want to try cc

I think you just have to accept you have a difficult sleeper and rest up while you can. At least the baby still has 2 day time naps so you could lie down then. If you have an older child then make a routine where that's when DVD goes on and mummy lies on the sofa. At least as a SAHM you can do that.

Don't resent him, he sounds like a good husband, and sounds like your baby is genuinely hungry.... needs more food.

At 8 months and a poor sleeper, needs 3 meals a day and one could be at 11pm if necessary. She is not interested in food as she is breastfeeding 2 hourly around the clock. Its chicken and egg.

If you want her to sleep all night you need to cut out the night time feeds so she is hungry for solids.

Sorry to be a bit harsh but whilst you continue this feeding schedule she won't be interested in food and it will continue to be hourly etc in the night. Need to cut the night time milk back to once in the night only, start at weekend, even if you or your husband have to sit up all night.

Hopefully then she will be hungry in the day and accept some food. and this will enable her to sleep longer at night.

Why does it have to be you who does DS's physio? That seems to be the only barrier to you getting a decent stretch of sleep in the evening.
Broken nights are the hardest part IMO, and your DH needs to do his share to allow you both to get some unbroken stretches.

Mungo just another thought - one of the reasons for DD2's bad sleeping (she was relatively ok until 6 months - every 3 hours - and then it went to hell, every 45 mins) was stomach cramps as a result of dairy & egg allergies. Could something like that be waking her? Because she does sound like she's able to settle herself to sleep if she goes down awake.

You need more sleep. If your DH can't do broken sleep then get him on morning and evening duty. You posted at ten to six (if in the uk) that you'd be up again in half an hour but I'd call anything after 6am 'morning' and think your DH should get up and let you sleep through till 8 or whenever he leaves for work.
Ditto for evenings. DH could do all evening settling till say 11pm to let you get a couple if hours in.
Then you take 11pm to 6am and while he's at work.

DS woke 2 hourly between 4 and 14 months.
I kept my sanity by co sleeping. He still woke, but I would wake up when he was rooting around, latch him on and go back to sleep. Sometimes he would stir, reach out, realise I was still there and snuggle back down to sleep. No getting up, no rocking, no crying.
Once he was sleeping through we got him a bed in his own room and started putting him down there instead of in our bed, he was fine with it, sometimes he comes in to us, but we both kind of miss him anyway, so the cuddles are welcome.

She isn't fed 2 hourly around the clock, she has feeds at 7am, 11am, 3pm and 7pm, then usually twice in the night.

DH does DS's physio in the morning while I'$m doing the 7am feed. It is hard work and good for DS if we both do a chunk so I do it in the evening when DH baths DD.

I took her to a cranial osteo when she was born so could try going back to the same one. Thanks for the reminder.

Sleep did get worse at 6 months so I cut out wheat and dairy (hasn't had egg yet) for 3 days but it made no difference. Also, wouldn't she be grump in the day if she had an intolerance? Should I try cutting it out for longer?

Could you express, and get your DH to do one of the night feeds?

To add, we introduced a dream feed via bottle at about 11pm and this got DS to go through to 5am, which was more bearable.

I agree you Dh could do a little more in the AM and the PM to ease the burden. It is a tough gig though and I feel for you all.

My Dd was a terrible sleeper and in the end my Dh gave her a bottle of formula if she woke between 12 midnight and 6am. That meant that I got about 5 and a half hours sleep - she used to wake at about quarter to 6..
My Dh also took her for her bath if I was incoherent with exhaustion so I could conk out if I needed it at about 7pm.

solution: give a bottle of formula in the evening after 7pm bf clusterfeed and as the night feeds. You may need to pump after feeding in the AM to keep your supply up, and to be comfortable - I used to inflate like a balloon with milk at night - pumping meant I had a few ounces spare. Watch out for ovulation also once you stop night time feedings.
Get DH to do the bath, if possible.
Guiltlessly use a DVD to keep your other DC happy for some zone out time on the sofa.
Be kind to yourself and to your DH: remember this phase doesn't last forever.

I have four dc's, two are twins. I had no choice in the end to use CC with one of them. It's hell, I hated it, I felt like the worst parent in the world. The result? She's fine, goes to bed with no issues, sometimes grumbles if she loses a dummy in the night (go on, shoot me, a DUMMY! lol) and we have no issues at all.

It was a week of hell though.

Good luck. We all share your pain. :)

Both CC and CIO are damaging to children. You might well get a child who then sleeps, but they are damaging. There is a lot of scientific research to show this.

OP if your DH is sleeping in another room anyway, have you considered co-sleeping?

Yes I've tried co-sleeping but she just seemed more wakeful and fed much more often.

Do you know where the research is about CC and CIO being damaging! I'm sure someone posted it on here a while ago but am on phone so can't search very well.

I'm a committed breastfeeder... But I think that in your position I'd switch to formula (at least do mixed feeding). That way, your baby might sleep for longer stretches and your partner can play a proper part.

Do you put your baby down drowsy or fast asleep?

Sorry it is so awful, but really do not understand why you don't do some form of sleep training.

I just gave my babies water at night (after a last bf at around 10/11pm) once they were 7/8 months. They soon learned not to wake up for water. DH helped with this, as with him they were more willing to accept water (or nothing). I was happy to get up at 6 (or even 5) for the first morning feed. But I just needed some "block" sleep of around 6 hrs. This was on doctor's advice BTW, but not in the UK, I guess it is somehow controversial here?