to be angry and resentful at DH re. settling baby in the night

[MungoJumbo]

DD is 8mo and a terrible sleeper, she wakes every 1-2 hrs from midnight every night. I have tried absolutely everything to get her to sleep better except for CC which I just won't do. I haven't had ONE good night's sleep since she was born - that's 240 nights of hell!! I am bfing and also have a toddler with SN who goes to nursery 2 days a week. I am beyond exhausted and feel at the end of my tether but I am still highly functioning during the day, put lots of effort into playing/interecting with both DCs, keep the house clean and tidy (although we have a cleaner once a week so that doesn't take up too much time) do all the shopping and cooking.

DH has a stressful job and does not function well when he's tired. Sometimes I give him the monitor so he can help me in the night but half the time he doesn't even wake up when she cries (he sleeps in the spare room so he can get a proper night's sleep, the idea is that if he's slept well he can help me more in the day) and when he does come and help DD usually ends up screaming for ages as she's so used to me settling her and doesn't want anyone else, so I end up getting up anyway and just feeling even more angry. If he's got up once or twice in the night he is awful the next day, moping around saying how tired he is and just sitting on the sofa doing the bare minimum re. Interacting with the DCs.

I know put like that, DH does not come off well. BUT he is a wonderful DH, loving, affectionate, generous, caring, patient, tries v hard to make up for the rubbish nights by giving me a lie in at weekends, comes home from work to help with bathtime every night even when he is mega busy and its inconvenient for him, does a fair amount around the house (but not cooking as he is just not good and I prefer to do it anyway), and I know he feels frustrated that DD settles better with me.

I genuinely don't think he can help being a deep sleeper and being someone who doesn't function well when tired, he obviously can't bf and it just backfires when he tries to help at night. BUT I am still lying here seething with resentment as I have had 3 hrs sleep tonight and feel like there's no point trying to get back to sleep now as DD will just wake up in 20-30mins anyway. AIBU to feel like this and what can I DO???!!! I have been coping really well so far but just want to scream atm.

Sorry its long.

Just a thought but are you giving her lots of fresh air and sunlight?
An early evening walk may help.

There is a difference between CC and CIO.....

Similar situation here with non sleeping dd (mine is 11 months) and dh who sleeps heavily plus copes on little sleep much worse than me.
I did feel resentful for ages but I feel quite ok about it now I've accepted it and make sure dh pulls his weight in areas that he can manage better and is good at.
Dh baths all 3 kids most nights, he also gets up with them in the mornings any time they wake (5am on wards!)

I usually go to bed early (9 or 10 at latest), sleep till dd wakes at 12 or 1 then get up with her however many times, then when the first one wakes I wake up dh and tell him it's his turn snd I get to sleep till 8 ish until he has to get ready for work!
At the weekends I sleep as long as I need to, to catch up each morning.
Could you do something similar?

Go to bed when your children do, then you can sleep until midnight. It does mean you'd miss seeing your DH in the evenings, but if it stops you going mad, it'll be worth it for a few months.

I agree with what babyrabbits said, we did a very controlled version of cc with both dc & it worked very well and both dc were sleeping thru the night quite early on. My ds was similar & was feeding every 2 hours thru the night & up on the 98th centime, my gp at the 6 week check said he was at it and he didn't need to be feeding so much. I totally sympathise with you, it's horrible when your there & I don't think yabu but just so hard when breast feeding. My gp & lots of others suggested we give ds one bottle of formula & that this wouldn't affect my milk supply. So I used to feed ds his feed at 7pm then we both went to bed then my dh would give him a dream feed of formula at half 9 - 10 which meant he sleep deeper & I would get up & bf him when he next woke. This worked much, much better & meant I got about 6-7 hours & started to feel human/alive again!
Good luck

I personally wouldn't do CC with an 8mo but that's just me. We've just done my own modified version of it with our DD but she's nearly 20 months and had never slept through once until last month.

I feel your pain OP, I've done 99% of the night-time work with our DD. DH is happy to do it, but I wake up anyway and if DD sees him, she just wants to play so it's really hard for him to settle her...it was just easier if I did it.

Either go to bed as soon as DD goes to sleep. Leave DH to worry about your toddler. Or, what we do is that DH takes the children in the morning and gives them breakfast while I get some sleep. I found that 1 hour when I didn't have to do anything really recharged my batteries ready for the day. It was still hard, and my DH had to step up at the weekend so I could sleep then also. We have been a bit like a tag team for a while but now that DD2 is 14mo she sleeps better and I feel better.

Another thing that is a bit out there, but do you do any exercise? Don't laugh. I found that when I went out even for a 20 min run, I slept better even if it wasn't longer. Also having that time on my own helped me calm down and get ready for the day.

Ohnomyfoot - I had exactly the same issue with DS3, about the not settling, and only able to take certain bottles due to an upper lip tie. He is now 18mo, and I have yet to find a beaker he can drink from, so he is still on bottles.

He is still not a good sleeper either - last night he slept well, from 9.30pm till 7am this morning. He only woke for 3 bottles.

Any other DC wouldn't need 3 bottles at night, but he is on a very restricted diet due to allergies, and GP has advised that DS3 DOES still need them.

I had no help from Ex-P due to the issues OP mentions for the first 4 months, then Ex-P left and I have been doing it alone for 14 months now.

I'm tired. Very tired. GP says I'm bordering on exhaustion, with an 18mo that is still up 3 times a night even when he sleeps best. When his sleep is at it's worst most other bloody nights he sleeps from 1am till 5am and wakes for a bottle once in that time.

YAWN.

And can't do CC with 3 other DC, two with SN that need their sleep. Through desperation I tried. Not a good result, for the other DC's, and had to be abandoned!

She does have 3 meals a day, eats well for a bit but loses interest quickly. On the days that she's eaten more than usual she hasn't slept any longer.

I don't do any exercise by myself as can't when looking after both DCs but do get out lots in the day, walk with DD in sling or pushchair and take her to the park etc as she loves the swing.

I think the answer is probably to go to bed earlier. Its just difficult when the evening is the only time I get to relax/wctch tv/see DH/not be constantly looking after children. I think we also need to order takeaway more often!

YANBU, I was in a similar situation until DD was 10 months old. Now she has started waking at night again (I think teething) and my husband is away working for several months. It's much easier with him not being here in a way, because I already know I have to do everything myself and don't expect help. Although I am like a zombie and I am barely getting everything done in the day as I am so tired all the time.

When he was here I just wanted to kick him some nights when he was 'asleep'. I don't think they appreciate what so many nights of unbroken or little sleep does to a person. He did help with lay ins at the weekend though, which did really help.

My DD was the same, I posted on here months ago about how fed up it was making all of us. Being sleep deprived is torturous and makes life such hard work. My DD was 1 recently and like others we've done a very controlled version of CC, the first night she shouted (no tears) for 30 mins, that was tough but it was the first night she ever slept through. Second night, she shouted for 2 mins and by the third night she went down happily awake. I appreciate my DD is older but I can't tell you how much better we all feel for proper sleep.
My DP was useless during the night but he works 7 days a week do it was fair that I did the night wakings but it was tough.

Oh and yes to more takeaways, one less thing to worry about and more time to hopefully relax.

Better CC than what you are dealing with at the moment.

I don't see how you can positively, effectively and happily parent two children with long-term sleep deprivation.

Is your DD feeding that this time? What is she getting out of waking all the time? Your DD must also be exhausted.

Mungo you may find that you don't need to go to bed early every night. I know what you mean about the evening being the only time you get when you aren't dealing with children etc. I felt the same.

I found that if I went to bed early a couple of nights in a row it broke the back of the exhaustion, and then I only needed to go early maybe once or twice a week, so I got a bit of adult time, and a bit of extra sleep.

I am not for leaving a baby to 'scream and screa' but I really can't see how proper CC is damaging to an 8 month old baby as you actually don't leave them screaming and screaming.

We were desperate for sleep by that point and went to the sleep clinic. The HV told us how to settle DS using CC and you really don't leave them screaming and screaming, you go back in VERY frequently to settle them. It really does work and there has most definitely been no damage to DS1.

If you leave a baby screaming and screaming I would imagine this is not healthy but that is not what CC is all about.

I don't think men generally understand how difficult it is to look after children after no sleep, I used to work the odd day here and there and it was much easier to get through the day at work after no sleep than it was at home looking after the DCs.

If you were that desperate I think you would probably try anything.

Why do you think CC is damaging? It's called controlled crying not "Leaving a baby to scream for hours" Surely it's more damaging for you to be chronically sleep-deprived which has a knock on effect on everyone around you.

MadameCupcake - CC really doesn't work for every baby (or parent). I tried it on DD1. She would get hysterical the second I left the room, vomit within a few minutes & generally get so worked up so quickly that it made me ill. What worked, when she was a little older , was gradual withdrawal.

I realise that it isn't CIO, but it still didn't work for DD1 (and we really did try). I haven't bothered with DD2, yes the nights are dreadful, but I just couldn't put myself through it again.

I'm often a little jealous of those who have sworn it works in 3 days for them.

Sorry if my last sentence sounded rude, that wasn't my intention, I just meant that when you are desperate you would try anything to resolve the situation.

I was getting very tearful and on the verge of depression due to lack of sleep for so long so to me I took the sleep clinics advice and it actually took 1 night to resolve the middle of the night waking amazingly and about 7-10 days to get DS settling at 7pm from being put to bed completely awake. It really was life changing!

Sorry vviola x-posts I would never profess it to work for everyone but I was just giving my advice based on my experience. I think it is good to see both POV as of course things do not necessarily work for every child.

This thread in Sleep describes a pretty nice medium between CC and feeding to sleep all the time. It didn't work exactly as described for us, but did help DD2 learn to go to sleep on her own a bit better - and allow her to settle back to sleep during the night more easily.

I have found the sleep deprivation the hardest thing about having children.

I don't cope well with sleep deprivation. If I get up in the night then the next day I feel awful and just want to lie on the sofa and not interact with anyone.

Oh, but I had to get up multiple times for two years to hellish non-sleeping dd because I was bf, and then I had to be bright and sparkly the next day because I also had ds to look after. Fair enough if your dd really won't settle with dh (although that would probably change if he got up to her more), but I really hate this thing about dhs not being able to get up because they don't cope well. There are loads of women who don't cope well either but we bloody well have to do it.

I used to do all the night wakings with dd because of the bf, but as she got older dh took over a lot. At first it did take a long time for her to settle with him but we persevered and it worked much much better when we were able to share the load. Dh also did all wakings for ds (he got very unsettled sleep-wise when dd was born) to the point where I stopped waking up when ds called out.

MadameCupcake sorry, I think I was a little defensive there. I just felt a little sorry for the OP - I've been (still am kind of) in a similar situation and got a lot of (IRL) "just let her cry", "you'll never get her to sleep unless you use controlled crying" etc. Even got referred to a sleep clinic, only for them to say controlled crying was the only option.

So I get a little evangelical about it not necessarily working for everyone

Didn't mean to be snappy Sorry.

Crotrolled crying is not about letting your baby scream and scream.

I have been a nanny for 23 children, they have all gone through the night from around 3 months, some as early as 6 weeks.

I do not leave a baby to scream and scream. I do not pick them up though. I know I do not have the attachment that a mother has to her child so it doesn't pull at my heart strings like it does a mother BUT it has never taken longer than 7 days to get the baby settled, usually around three days. Then my bosses get a decent sleep, the baby gets a decent sleep and the household is much happier.

Slightly different as all my bosses have been working mothers and doing long hours so work and home life would suffer.

Op I really feel for you. One thing I found helped was if dp filled the fridge with salads and healthy ready meals from m&s. It meant I could microwave a meal in three minutes and eat it from the box. More nutritious than take aways and still something to look forward too. I went to bed not long after dc too, so I could get the extra sleep.

CC is not CIO, you do know that don't you?

CC is about going in frequently to reassure your child, gradually increasing the time between going back, patting on the bakc or tummy or leaving hand on back and tummy, not picking up, not chatting, not lights on etc, settling with a drink if water if necessary.

This will be difficult of you have been feeding to sleep as your DD will have to learn a whole new skill - putting herself to sleep while not feeding/sucking.