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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have left after 15 minutes

147 replies

MrsKeithRichards · 04/08/2012 21:47

Dh took 6 year old ds camping today. Ds2 is 14 weeks and we won't really think about going camping with him for another year.

They were planning on going to a site ten minutes from the house but it was full so he decided to go to our usual place, about an hour and a bit away. I was a bit gutted to be missing out, I love that site, stunning setting and we've been going there for years. Anyway I helped them get the gear together and waved them of.

I was sitting feeding the baby about an hour later and decided to go down for the rest of the afternoon and evening. So set of. Dh had suggested this before leaving.

So after a lovely drive I was looking forward to chilling out for a bit at the campsite. Get there and they are all pitched up with a fire going. Sat in the porch bit with both ds's whilst dh was posting

OP posts:

Peeenut · 04/08/2012 23:47

I'm going to disagree with most people and say YANBU. I'm assuming you were trying to have a conversation about where the baby should go, not having hysterics. We go camping frequently and discussions about fires are one of those mundane things. He tells you to fuck off, it's unexpected, it's uncalled for, you could leave easily with no drama, so you did.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 23:50

Hmm, think it was 50/50

He was probably stressed having done something alone with DS that you have previously done together, with DS "helping" and getting bored in equal measure.

You took offence at his comment, that was probably not meant for you to hear and imo it was an over reaction on your part.

If you can, go up tomorrow, explain why you left and say that you didnt appreciate being spoken to or about in that way but also apologise for huffing off.

Its not worth a big row or 4 pages on MN!

SecondRow · 04/08/2012 23:50

Just wondering what the fire was actually for, MrsK? The reason I ask is because you said you joined them looking forward to sitting in the sun and going for dinner in the pub which sounds quite civilized and a good thing to do with a tiny baby. But was your H perhaps thinking along the lines of more basic camping, father-son rustic poking-sausuages-on-sticks-in-the-campfire bonding experience kind of thing? In which case your turning up after all, and your comment drawing attention to the fact that you and the baby needed a different kind of consideration and camping experience, was what threw a spanner in the works? He was rude of course, not excusing that.

JessePinkman · 04/08/2012 23:51

Sorry I think I have been misunderstood. That doesn't look right.

Move the baby out of the smoke, that was all I was saying.

Don't have a fight about the smoke.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 23:52

Make the 5 pages.

Does he swear at you alot? As in "fuck off" "you bitch" "fuck you" etc?

Or does he "fucking hell!" "Oh bollocks" "I have had a bastard of a day" etc?

There is a big difference. And what do you say to him instead of swearing because sometimes saying "you are a very stupid man" can be more insulting than "dont be an arse".

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 23:53

at the 'Its not worth a big row or 4 pages on MN!' in your post adding to the number of pages.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 23:53

The irony didnt escape me Agent, but sadly it was just after I posted :o :o

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 04/08/2012 23:54

He was horrible. But what I think is that he had himself in "Just him and DS" mode and then you turned up which changed the trip into something else and he was adjusting.

Perhaps he was enjoying the time with your older DS...however what he said was disgusting.

AgentZigzag · 04/08/2012 23:56

Agree with your last post BF, I'd tell DH to fuck off, but it'd be banter and he'd know that.

But if it was a comment he didn't mean for the OP to hear he should have kept it zipped.

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 04/08/2012 23:59

Secondrow it was to keep the midges away apparently and is part of camping tradition here, he needs a fire!

We didn't even get as far as arguing about the fire.

He does both bogey. Normal swearing fine, shit happens. Swearing at me upsets me and I've told him that time and time again which is why I couldn't be arsed getting into it again.

OP posts:

FarloRigel · 05/08/2012 00:02

I think I may have done the same. A public space like a campsite and in front of your child is not the place to have a conversation you think may become heated. Given that your DH has become defensive before on the same issue it seems like a reasonable response to me to make a calm exit. I think talking about it in front of your son would have been worse and I don't think you should feel that you should take that kind of language when you have told him before that it upsets you.

bogeyface · 05/08/2012 00:03

Why does it upset you if it doesnt really mean much to him? I mean, if he isnt saying as a particular insult but just as language he uses?

And what do you say to him when you are having words, if you dont swear?

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2012 00:05

Blimey, I'd struggle to have a row and not swear.

It'd turn into a discussion before you knew it.

bogeyface · 05/08/2012 00:07

you and me both Agent, it wouldnt count as a row without a good few fuck offs and you cunts chucked in :o

And I have done the old "well if it isnt good enough then fuck off" under my breath too and i wouldnt expect that reaction tbh.

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 05/08/2012 00:14

I swear but not at him and it sounds so aggressive from him.

I'd say 'you're acting like a knob' and he'll be more 'you're a fucking arsehole'.

I guess once the gloves are off it's fair game but this wasn't like that.

Should I accept getting told to fuck of because he doesn't mean it in the way I take kt?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/08/2012 00:23

Banter means both people being included in the 'joke', I would accept it if it was banter and not meant in a shitty way.

But this wasn't banter, it's not something he's powerless over because he chooses what to say/not say, you don't have to accept that.

There were a thousand ways he could have told you to STFU and relax (if that's what was annoying him), he knows saying it fucks you off because you've told him so he knew what your reaction was likely to be.

scottishmummy · 05/08/2012 00:23

so let's be clear you both swear
op,this doesn't appear to be about who said fuck off
you and dh have other issues,may unacknowledged that are bubbling under

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2012 00:25

Of course you're not being unreasonable! He sounds really rude and those people on here who are used to being told to fuck off, well, all I can say is I think you need your own threads in Relationships.

You did the right thing by leaving and not having an argument about it.

bogeyface · 05/08/2012 00:29

Did he say it in an aggressive, in-yer-face way? Or under his breath? The first is not on although I personally would have told him to pack it in and then let go, the second I wouldnt even comment on tbh as he clearly didnt mean you to hear it.

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 05/08/2012 00:30

It definitely wasn't under his breath.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 05/08/2012 00:33

ok you can,oh ah who said what in what tone
you both swear at each other.it's not issued at you in isolation
pragmatically,what's next step? acknowledge a difficulty?ignore and fester?

TheNorthWitch · 05/08/2012 00:38

Firstly, If a guy called me a fucking arsehole and told me to fuck off - I would. Right off and wouldn't be back anytime soon either.

Secondly, you have told your DH YOU don't like it when he swears at you and that should be enough for him to modify his behaviour. We all have different boundaries and might upset someone inadvertently but if we are asked to stop it is respectful to do so.

You have just had his baby - he should be treating you with sensitivity not swearing at you!

bragmatic · 05/08/2012 06:17

We fight, and swear. I'd be beyond furious if he told me to fuck off, though. YANBU

Original poster

MrsKeithRichards · 05/08/2012 09:23

Just had a lovely call from ds they are on their way up the road (weather has turned) and would I like a McDonalds breakfast?

He's had a lovely time. There won't be an atmosphere or tension, we're not like that and that might be part of our problem. Things get forgotten about. I will make sure we chat about it later.

OP posts:

austenozzy · 05/08/2012 09:24

'Fuck off' and 'well fuck off then' are different, though. One is a directly aggressive confrontation, the other is a not-nice way of saying 'go away if it doesn't meet with your approval'. I think it was the latter and that you over-reacted, imo.

As others have said a sharp 'don't swear at me'/'don't swear in front of the kids' would seem sensible, but i obv don't know the dynamics in your relationship.

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