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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should I tell my friend about his daughter's drinking or am i shit stirring?

149 replies

baskingseals · 03/08/2012 22:05

my friend is a lone parent. his ex-wife has recently moved abroad. when they spilt up i helped him with looking after the children especially his dd.

she's now 12. i took her camping with us and we went to the shop, and everyone got a little treat. she asked me for a bottle of fruity cider and i said no. i then relented and said ok, but she would have to share it and drink it with the bbq. when we got back she told me that her mum let her have 4 bottles a day.

given that her mum doesn't live in here anymore should i tell my friend?

OP posts:

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 08:35

she doesn't spend time with other people. most of her time is spent with her grandmother. i think she is bored. she is 13 in a few weeks and looks quite mature for her age, though she isn't emotionally mature.

i would like to point out that i am not a feckless mother/friend. i do not walk on the wild side of life. i feel a bit naughty if i use the kitchen cloth to wipe the bathroom sink. i posted because i didn't know was the best thing to do about this situtation, i will tell her dad and just hope that everything can be sorted.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 04/08/2012 08:39

i do not think it is appropriate for her to ask for alcohol.

And yet when she does you buy it for her, is there not an irony in that? If she asks you for alcohol and you don't think it's appropriate for her to ask then you just say 'no', you don't encourage her asking for it by buying it for her.

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 08:41

i understand the irony.

i am a safe person. she is still staying with me so i will talk about it with her later today and also her dad.

OP posts:

KateSpade · 04/08/2012 08:45

My mum used to give me a drink on new years eve when I was about 12/13...

Clearly it was that what made me start taking vodka to school & doing drugs, nothing to do with the fact she was so strict about it....

bigTillyMint · 04/08/2012 10:27

basking, I am guessing that you do not have DC who are any near this age? I guess that maybe this is why you thought that the 12yo was old enough for it to be "normal" for her to have a drink something alcoholic without asking her parents?

I had a friend over the other day who I only see about once a year as she lives abroad. She brought her lovely 15yo DD. We were having a glass of wine and I suddenly thought that maybe I should offer her DD some, so I asked my friend - she said her DD could have a small amount if she wanted, but her DD didn't want any. Had her DD have been here without her mum, I would have said that I couldn't offer her any without checking with her mum first.

It wouldn't even cross my mind to offer my DD(13) something alcoholic at the moment.

willowstar · 04/08/2012 11:22

I don't think it was that huge a deal to buy the bottle and share it with her really, at that age a little drink with adults on a special occasion isn't outrageous to me, but I was brought up in Germany where attitudes to drinking and alcohol are a bit different so may have an influence.

As for telling her dad...I wouldn't mention t, it is unlikely to be true anyway

willowstar · 04/08/2012 11:30

Actually, dredging back through some old memories...my mum was single parent, sometimes she would go out with her friend to the theatre and me and brother would stay at friends house with her husband till they got home. When we were little he would buy us chocolates to scoff and make us crisp butties, things we weren't allowed at home, pretty sure as we were teens it progressed to bit go alcohol. Maybe he checked with mum first? Still all great friends, they are all academics, me I have never drank much more than a glass or two of wine, only been drunk few times in my life, I'm 38.

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 14:14

i have spoken to my friend's dd.

i think there is a huge difference between a small glass of cider/wine with a meal and being bought 4 bottles of cider a day, if that is the case.
there has been a lot of hysteria on this thread. but yet the UK leads the way in binge drinking. do you all think that there just might possibly be a link between the two?

OP posts:

tiggytape · 04/08/2012 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 15:37

'she told me that her mum let her have 4 bottles a day.'

I have a hen that can lay golden eggs ...

xMumof3x · 04/08/2012 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 04/08/2012 18:39

basking

sorry, you are talking illogical crap.

RoomForASmallOne · 04/08/2012 19:49

No hysteria on here OP as far as I can see

Agree with xMumof3x. You are side stepping.

You can't give out about this girl maybe being given alcohol when you have done exactly that.

worrysome · 04/08/2012 19:54

tbh even if the mum did give her 4 bottles a day legally she can do that where as you purchased alcohol for a minor and gave it without parental consent which is illegal.

that aside the child could of been lying about the 4 bottles a day or maybe the mum gives her the alcohol free ones that look exactly the same

RoomForASmallOne · 04/08/2012 20:00

The amount you gave her is not really the issue here.

More your back tracking and hand wringing tbh.

You know her best, what kind of girl she is and what you imagine she is capable of wrt cheekily chancing her arm asking for alcohol.

You really need to speak to her father.....this is his lookout, not yours and certainly not now you've bought her cider as a 'treat'.

FushiaFernica · 04/08/2012 20:01

I was given alcohol from when I was about that age by my grandmother at Christmas-I used to have a snowball. I don't think you have done anything wrong in letting her have a small drink of cider.

solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2012 20:07

I don't think it's wrong or a particularly big deal to have allowed the girl a drink of cider with a meal, either. What I do think is peculiar is the way the OP gave the child alcohol without asking the child's parent, her friend, if this was allowed or not and now is getting all pissy about the child's other parent allowing the child to drink alcohol.
OP you haven't posted anything that suggests any motivation for your attitude other than a wish to cause trouble for the girl's mother.

Floggingmolly · 04/08/2012 20:09

You said in your first op, she asked for cider and you originally said no, then relented. You then changed it to - you thought it was a fruit drink and were shocked when it turned out to be cider. Which is it?
The neck of you getting all sanctimonious about what is probably a tall tale, while plying a 12 year old child of a friend with alcohol yourself!!!!!
Yes you should tell your friend what happened, if only to ensure he never leaves her in your care again.

Shullbit · 04/08/2012 20:50

Tbf, a few gulps of Cider is a far cry away from 4 bottles a day. Parent or not, that amount is even above the recommended daily units for an adult, nevermind a child and would be neglect.

Although, I am 95% certain it is a load of tosh. Maybe 4 bottles every now and again, but every day? Surely it would affect her schooling? And her health for sure.

It is the amount that the OP was shocked about, not her mother actually giving her alcohol.

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 21:56

where have i sidestepped?

from about 4 posts in i said that i shouldn't have bought her the cider,but i did.
i have spoken to my friend. whoever said that he would already know was right, he said that when she was with her mum she did drink. i didn't need to tell him what she had told me. i do not have any wish to cause any trouble to my friend, his dd or her mum, the opposite in fact. i feel much better after talking to him. i said that it wouldn't happen again. he was brought up in the hotel trade and had watered down wine with his meals, and was fine with what had happened with me, not so happy about the fact that she asked.

this thread has left a bad taste in my mouth.

OP posts:

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 21:58

thank you shullbit that is exactly the point i am making.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 04/08/2012 22:13

Exactly - it is not just the fact that you gave her alcohol without asking, which you realise is wrong, but the fact that she asked for it. That is why I said I felt she is a child in need.

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 22:32

forget it guys, ok i am sorry i asked.

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 05/08/2012 14:39

basking - forget it and move on.

I love MN but sometimes I have to take a little break because someone has unjustly insulted me

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