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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should I tell my friend about his daughter's drinking or am i shit stirring?

149 replies

baskingseals · 03/08/2012 22:05

my friend is a lone parent. his ex-wife has recently moved abroad. when they spilt up i helped him with looking after the children especially his dd.

she's now 12. i took her camping with us and we went to the shop, and everyone got a little treat. she asked me for a bottle of fruity cider and i said no. i then relented and said ok, but she would have to share it and drink it with the bbq. when we got back she told me that her mum let her have 4 bottles a day.

given that her mum doesn't live in here anymore should i tell my friend?

OP posts:

Original poster

baskingseals · 03/08/2012 23:46

yes i will talk to her about it. i just don't want to put her in the position of feeling disloyal to her mum.

OP posts:

DinnerMedal · 03/08/2012 23:55

I'm sure your'e looking after her really well but alcohol to a 12 year old is such a no no.

FrankWippery · 03/08/2012 23:58

The legal age for drinking alcohol (at home or a friend's home) is 5. 16 and 17 year olds may drink wine, beer or cider in a pub/restaurant with their meal, but it can only be bought for them by an adult.

I can see little wrong with a small glass of cider or wine - as in 4oz or so from around 12/13 as an occasional treat at a special meal or something.

In my experience with my older DC's friends, the ones who go hellbent on getting trashed when they can are the ones who have been told no, no and NO to so much as sip at even 15. That is not to say that my two DDs (almost 18 and 19) don't get drunk from time to time, but it's a rare thing as they have been sensibly drinking the odd glass here and there for a couple of years.

DS is 16 and I'm happy for him to have a couple of bottles of beer at a BBQ with friends and family.

In answer to the OP, I think you ought to tell the father (if it's really true) that the mother has been buying four bottles of the stuff a day.

GhostShip · 04/08/2012 00:00

How you can dare try take the moral high ground and tell tales on the mother now is beyond me.

Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, you're more in the wrong.

GhostShip · 04/08/2012 00:01

Frank - that's only with a parents permission is it not?

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 00:03

that's the rub though isn't it?

is she telling the truth? who knows? think i really do need to talk to her about it, without involving her mum. tricky but possible.
just don't know about her dad.

OP posts:

GhostShip · 04/08/2012 00:08

If I was her I'd laugh in your face. You can hardly have a talk regarding alcohol after you bought it for her

I think you're sticking your nose in something that now needs to be left alone. You lost all moral high ground when you bought her the drink. I dot understand how you see your own actions reasonable, but question what she says about her mother. Which obviously could be lies.

RoomForASmallOne · 04/08/2012 00:13

If you and her dad are such old friends, I don't see why you can't talk to him about it.

Maybe the girl will defend her mum, maybe it is untrue.
You won't know until you 'get it all out' and discuss the situation.

If it is true then it's indefensible for the mother to do this to a 12 year old and her father will hopefully act on the information you give him.

If it's untrue it gives him an opportunity to find out what is going on with his 12 year old that she would ask for alcohol as a 'treat'.

DinnerMedal · 04/08/2012 00:15

I can't actually believe that it is somehow acceptable to legally give a 5yr old alcohol. It is wrong to let children think it is good to drink alcohol, a poison.

RoomForASmallOne · 04/08/2012 00:16

My previous comment still stands though

The reason she thinks it's OK to ask was proved fairly sharpish by you buying it

FrankWippery · 04/08/2012 00:22

Ghost, indeed.

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 00:23

yes, you are right.

i am trying to think if she would ever be in a similiar situation with somebody else. i don't think so. she spends a lot of time with her grandmother.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/08/2012 00:26

Basking, regardless of the truthfulness of the child's claims, her father needs to know that she made them. Then he can decide whether or not to believe them and what to do next.

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2012 00:27

Oh just tell her dad "I think it's probably bull shit but your 12yr old says her Mum buys her 4 ciders a day"

"Oh and by the way, I bought her a cider too without even checking with you or her Mum if it was ok...sorry about that"

solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2012 01:38

Do you hate this child's mother? Is that what this is all about? You haven't mentioned having had permission from her father, your friend, to allow her alcohol, and yet you gave her some.
I don't actually think that a 12-year-old having a small amount of alcohol with a meal is such a terrible thing - I used to be allowed a sherry glass of wine with meals on special occasions when I was 10. But you seem to be wanting to cause trouble for this kid's mother more than anything else.

missymoomoomee · 04/08/2012 02:15

Regardless of your feelings about what the mother (possibly) did, she made that choice AS A PARENT. You are a friend (although you wouldn't be a friend of mine if you gave my child any alcohol) you have completely overstepped the mark. I sometimes let my 10 year old watch 12 rated films, maybe even the (very occassional) 15, although I check them 1st and decide its suitable for my child I would never let one of their friends watch one of them without parental consent, same thing here, you have the right to make that choice about your own children but you have no right to make it about anyone elses. Would it have been so hard to call and ask 1st?

StuntGirl · 04/08/2012 02:32

Don't understand your mental process OP. If you're so concerned about her asking people for alcohol that means you think there's something wrong with it...well you didn't think it was so wrong when you were buying it for her.

You either think it's wrong or you don't.
Make your mind up.

StuntGirl · 04/08/2012 02:33

And to answer your question, yes you should tell her dad so he can quickly remove you from his daughters life. Your judgement skills are too poor to be allowed to look after other people's children.

missingmumxox · 04/08/2012 02:41

years ago when I was 23, no children, brought up in an environment where on a sunday I was given a sweet sherry before lunch at Grans condoned by my mum from the age of 8 I found myself in charge of 8, 14 year olds.
Twas young farmers so verrr middle class girls as I am myself, they where from several other counties, not mine we hadn't taken any minors and due to the nature of the weekend was male dominated so me, 8, 14 yr old's and a 21 year old female, and about 20 teen boys and 40 adult males age 18-30
3 girls from the same club, I am not the designated adult and in fact not even aware of their exsistance until one of the chap come running into the bar at 3am saying 2 of the girls are missing and they have been drinking, eventually found at 4am having a drunken cry fest that they had both been dumped by their boyfriends, I went mental at their designated adult who was 28, asking why he had let them drink, and he said "well they said their mum's had brought it!" I took it off them and drank it
not an easy moment for me, I was well if the mums gave it, but I decided we had to deal with the fall out so NO, No and no again as we where responsible for them.
and also the chap I went mental at, I had a chronic crush on, and not easy telling him he was a fuck wit on this occation, if this was chick lit I would be saying reader I married him, this is real life and he spent the next 10 years avoiding me out of embaressment.

kiwimumof2boys · 04/08/2012 03:58

OK OP what disturbed me was that you BELIEVED a 12 year old who said their mum gives them alcohol ?????? is GULLIBLE your middle name ?????
Jaysus, what else do you believe ?

Original poster

baskingseals · 04/08/2012 07:18

no i don't hate her mum.

yes i think that it is okay for her to have a small amount of alcohol in a safe family environment. i would be okay if her dad did the same with my dd, as i trust him.

i think that her mum and dad have very different parenting styles, and sometimes the happy medium is lost.

i do not think it is appropriate for her to ask for alcohol. i do not wish to upset the delicate relationship that exists between her parents which is why i am deliberating whether to tell her dad or not.

OP posts:

Whoneedssleepanyway · 04/08/2012 07:43

What is done is done.

OP if I were you I would say "the girls had a little bit of cider at the BBQ at the weekend we all shared a small bottle, sorry i should probably have checked with you this would be ok and Your DD mentioned she often has whole bottles when with her mum, probably untrue but just thought I would mention it"

I would be pissed off if someone gave my 12 year old alcohol without my permission but if it was the circs you describe and v small amount there is luckily no harm done.

Isityouorme · 04/08/2012 07:53

There is a massive difference between offering a child a sip of wine from your glass at home and actually buying a child alcohol. Are you insane? She now will try it on with ther people as such idiots clearly exist.

Talk to her dad or goodness sake, but be prepared for him to be pissed at you.

Shullbit · 04/08/2012 08:25

Just wanted to point out that actually, the legal age to drink is not 18. However, the legal age to buy alcohol is 18.

In the eyes of the law, it isn't illegal for a 12 year old to be given a few gulps of Cider. Not sure whether you would need the parents permission though but I can't see why the friend would hit the roof and report her for a few gulps of Cider which is rather weak anyway.

I would tell your friend OP, and mention you had allowed her to have some. Make a point of asking your friends permission in future though.

Florabeebaby · 04/08/2012 08:34

I actually can't believe this. This ridiculously relaxed attitude to alcohol and giving it to kids...and not even your own kids is beyond me.

Awful.

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