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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated that my friend is selling clothes I gave to her on ebay?

128 replies

girlafraid · 03/08/2012 11:57

She has a DS 6 months younger than mine. I pass on DSs clothes which are in good nick. I'm pretty good at getting stuff in the sales so it's mostly Boden, Scandi stuff, John Lewis.... nice things.

Her DS wears the stuff and I'm glad it gets used.... but I've just noticed that she's selling the stuff her DS has grown out of on ebay. She did ask me a while ago what I wanted her to do with the stuff when finished with and I asked her to take it to the charity shop.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?

OP posts:
domesticslattern · 03/08/2012 20:11

Am very surprised by the number of people on this thread who think it's ok to sell on the clothes instead of passing them on. I'd be seriously cheesed off if a friend did this with my hand-me-downs, instead of giving them to another family or charity shop. I'd consider it just Not Cricket.

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 20:17

because going on ebay is passin em on, they weren't binned or left in an attick to rot!

and should the friend have sent a note to the charity shop saying "do not sell to anyone who will ebay these"?

mercibucket · 03/08/2012 20:18

It is poor form to sell things you have been given without checking first. The ops friend knew this because she asked. Tbh most people know this irl but not, apparently, on mumsnet. It is equally true, of course, that once you have given something it is out of your hands what happens to it, but you can hope for a generosity of spirit to be passed on

Our charity shop sells baby clothes. We also give them free as parcels to those in need eg if a refuge contacts us. The money from those sold as rags is also worthwhile per kg and some of those clothes are then put back in circulation in poorer countries.

VolAuVent · 03/08/2012 20:34

YANBU. You receive a gift, you pay the gift on to someone else afterwards.

CrapBag · 03/08/2012 21:19

YABU. You gave them away, they were no longer yours to decide what happened. If you wanted to make money then you should have sold them yourself.

What difference does it make if she ebays them or gives them to a charity shop?

I have passed things on to my friends. They have never asked me what they should do with them after, nor would it ocur to me to mind. I have had stuff passed on that I have flogged without asking the friend who gave it to me. Why should I? They gave it away, therefore it was no longer wanted.

mumeeee · 03/08/2012 23:17

YABU, You gave them to her so they are now hers todo what she wants with. She might have just asked you what you wanted her to do with the stuff in case you wanted them back.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 03/08/2012 23:43

I had someone do this to me op, and I felt a bit gutted. She did it on a Facebook selling page, so the photos were clear as day. She made about £250 when I totted it all up.

I specifically asked her to donate them to a Charity that was connected to our lives.

But if a friend is stirring it's worth checking out how she found out and that the clothes are definitely yours before you decide to cut her off. And if you do give you have to ask for them back.

For all those saying that people don't make much on EBay - she's making a clear 100% profit isn't she?

I have a friend working for a famous UK ladies wear retailer, and they had a real issue with one woman buying stock in sale and selling on. They actually offered her a job with the company. She laughed in their faces as she earnt over £100,000 a year running her eBay business!

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 03/08/2012 23:50

No, you don't make a 100% profit on ebay. There are ebay and paypal fees, and it takes time to photograph and list the items, and all items need to be laundered, then you have to package it and take it to the post office, and ebay appear to discourage any profit on postage so the washing, drying, pressing, packing, labelling, trips to the post office and time are 'gratis'.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 03/08/2012 23:57

Sorry, I should probably have posted that on the Dull Thread.

Graciescotland · 03/08/2012 23:57

YANBU I think if you've asked her to pass them along when she's finished with them then it goes against the spirit of the agreement to ebay them. Don't give her anymore.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 04/08/2012 00:00

They are only gratis if you are measuring them against time taken to do this instead of another job. I'm assuming the op's mate isn't taking time out of her job to do this, and is doing it in her free time.

You add the post office trips to the post and packing charges if you are that sensitive. You are also entitled to add costs of packing as it's self explanatory. Many a time I have paid for packing and post and received something in a few sellotaped carrier bags with minimal postage costs.

It's only a question of not 100% profit if you paid for the items yourself. If you didn't then you are making a clear 100% margin as there were no cost prices paid for the items, regardless of washing and ironing them which you would be expected to do anyway if you were returning them or taking them to the charity shop.

She was given the clothes, she sold them, she made 100%. she couldn't have gotten that money from fresh air could she? You are deducting the cost of moving and preparing the items from the potential profit, and that isn't what I am referring to.

Op, did you find out if they were definitely your clothes?

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 04/08/2012 00:02

And no, it was a challenging post, and not as dull as grout and biscuit gussets....

Grin
Cutepaw · 04/08/2012 02:06

Is it possible she is selling them on ebay because she's really skint? or is saving the money to take you out for a lovely lunch to say thanks for all you've done?

Cos TBH selling clothes on ebay can be a right faff and if it didn't matter to her for some reason- she could easily take them to the charity shop it's much less hassle.
I might just ask her - rather than fall out with her.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 02:20

It would piss me off because if I didnt mind I would say "I dont mind, they are yours so do what you like with them". But you didnt, you were specific with what you wanted done with them and she ignored that, so no YANBU.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 04/08/2012 08:35

I'm quite Hmm at all the posters who think giving used baby clothes to a FRIEND:
A is a huge act of generosity
B gives you rights as to what your friend does with the gift (remembering they are now 3rd hand baby clothes)
C is ment to remain eternally grateful to you for the huge favour you've bestowed upon your friend and her baby!!

All seems very self obsessed and controlling behaviour.

Unless you want to keep boxes of unnecessary baby clothes forever you have a few options. For me the preferred option is to give them to a friend who will use them. After I've GIVEN them away I have absolutely no interest at all what happens to them.
Good items can be ebayed to move them along. The amount you earn is barely worth the effort but it feels good to know they are being used.
There is the charity shop option if that is available. I would be very choosy and only give them stuff in tip top condition not use them as a wholesale dumping ground to get the stuff out of the house.
Clothes recycling bins are good - they sell the good stuff and recycle the rest and are easy peasy.
Then you can throw stuff away of use as rags. I can only do this with damaged items.

I could never just throw undamaged clothes away.

For me, passing on used baby clothes is an obligation. If I GIVE them to. Friend I am happy to be relieved of my obligation to pass them on.

Can't quite believe those out there who thing your friends should still be grateful to you for your huge generosity months and months after the GIFT of 2nd hand baby clothes. They have done you a favour too by taking them.

(

peggyblackett · 04/08/2012 08:40

I don't expect my friends to be eternally grateful, but I would want the clothes to go to the charity shop that raises money for the hospice which dd attends.

I can't see how that makes me mean or controlling Confused? I would have made that clear to any friend before handing the clothes over.

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 04/08/2012 09:24

Peggy - surely then you would LEND the clothes to your friend and state clearly that you want them back afterwards to give to your specific charity. Nothing wrong with that. Clearly you aren't giving them but lending them.

It seems the op has given these clothes away.

peggyblackett · 04/08/2012 09:31

Where does she say that she gave them in the OP? Plus she specified that she would like them to go to charity. Sounds more like a lend than a give to me.

sancerreity · 04/08/2012 10:02

Peggy- tht just smacks of someone who CBA to take them to the charity shop themselves.FIL is like this.Always dumping rubbish on us and tell us to take it to the tip if we don't want it.
also I's class 'passing on' as a give not a lend.

LineRunnerSpartanNaked · 04/08/2012 10:39

OP says the clothes were a 'gift' in a later post.

2012OlympicOdyssee · 04/08/2012 14:28

If you want your second hand clothes to go to charity, you give them to charity, you dont give them to somebody else and stipulate what they should do with them.

LapsedPacifist · 04/08/2012 17:42

YABU if you imagine that everything you donate to a charity shop ends up being sold there. Huge amounts of donated clothes end up being sold for rags by weight - items donated out of season for example, because shops don't have enough room for storage of winter clothes during the summer and vice versa. And baby clothes, even naice "Scandi" ones Hmm don't sell well - only a couple of quid or so - and some shops just throw them straight out. Most Many parents prefer to buy new for their offspring or only accept hand-me downs from friends and relations, and baby clothes cost practically nothing from supermarkets etc. Charity shops make FAR more profit from good label adult clothes.

And speaking as a regular eBayer, it is a really time-consuming business. I can't believe anyone would bother listing baby clothes (which sell for a pittance) unless they really truly needed the money. After measuring, washing, ironing, photographing, uploading, editing, writing a description, weighing, calculating postal charges, listing the item, anwering questions, packaging, lugging to the Post Office (without a car) deducting charges for packaging materials, eBay AND PayPal fees, I calculate an average profit of between 50%-65% of the eBay selling price (exclusive of postal charges).

mercibucket · 04/08/2012 17:51

She gave them
Her friend then asked what she would like her to do with them once she'd finished
She told her friend she would like her to pass them on to the charity shop

Friend now has several options: follow wishes of friend (presumably she asked so she could do this, otherwise why bother asking?), ignore wishes of friend (sell them and keep the money), follow wished of friend indirectly (sell and give money to charity, within the spirit of the op's request), or if she cba to bag for charity, bag and give back to friend

If friend had not asked what to do with them, she could have sold them on ebay without so much of a moral dilemma as she could have pretended to not know the nice thing to do with gifted items is to re-gift them (hence why the clothes are already 3rd hand). But as she did ask, that excuse doesn't apply imo, altho I notice a lot of people seem to hear 'sell' when 'give' is said.

Some of the reasons given on here for why you may as well ebay sound, forgive me, a little self serving. Like when people say there's no point giving to charity because of x, y and z reasons, but it just gives them a justification for hanging onto their money for themselves. The salvation army is a great charity for giving things to imo. And I'm just reading a mencap clothes charity leaflet - anything they choose not to sell is shipped to third world countries. Now that is of course another debate again about the role that plays in undermining local clothing industries in those countries. Perhaps ebaying and giving profit to charity is the best, but most time consuming, way of raising funds. Oxfam do this for you of course so you could give to them. But ebay and keep the money? Least ethical of all the options. is a-ethical a word?

LeandarBear · 04/08/2012 19:34

mercibucket very good post, I agree.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 04/08/2012 19:37

I would also agree. I agree with mercibucket.

She has profited from you (profiteered?) twice - first by not having to pay for her won clothes, second for getting money for stuff she never paid for.

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