To tell my DP things friends tell me?

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

When I confide in a friend, I take it as a given that they'll tell their DP.

If I don't want the DP to know, I don't tell the friend.

When you have been told a secret the person who has been told.often needs support as well, they need advice on how to help their friend etc.

It is unreasonable to.prevent them discussing their feelings about a situation and their worries and fears with their dhs. But obviously if you specifically state don't tell Dh it should be respected.

I don't tell my partner everything.

I do tell him some stuff about friends in our group, but I'm fully aware it is gossiping! Just the same as when I tell a friend something about someone else. I also tell him stuff about friends he doesn't know but he isn't very interested in that!

IME it.is.the other way round, my friends expect me to tell my husband and specifically say if they don't want me to. I guess its about how people view marriage.

You think it's about how people view marriage?

Interesting nailak what are the opposing views about marriage in your opinion?

Well, of course if it's not a confidence, then you can tell anyone you like!

What I'm objecting to is the assumption that if somebody tells you something they don't want passed on it's automatically OK to tell your dp. Of course it isn't! Why on earth would it be? And what has it got to do with how you view marriage?

well some people assume that in a marriage there should be no secrets between husband and wife and it is unacceptable except in extra ordinary circumstances to expect husbands and wives to keep secrets from each other, and some people think something else? It is quite normal to tell your husband the major things that happened in your day?

as for "why on earth would it be?" all my friends assume i may tell my dh and make it clear if they dont want me to. I expect the same of them. So it is obviously not a case of there is only one view point on this subject.

I assume that if I tell a friend something, they will tell their DP unless I specifically ask them not to.
I generally tell my DH stuff unless I have been specifically asked not to, however he never gossips about anything I tell him, and I never gossip about anything he tells me - we both feel that it is not our place to pass things on to others outside our partnership.

I know I am probably in the minority, but I do share the vast majority of things with my DH as he is my best friend and confidante, and I like his opinion and involvement.

I can see 2 sides of this. I do occassionally use my DH as a sounding board for stuff friends have told me - stuff that worries me and I don't know what to do.

YANBU

If it's not private I suppose it's ok, however I don't share any information (of anyone elses or mine) with anyone who doesn't need to know it, including DP. There is loads of stuff (even about me) he doesn't know. Not necessarily anything exiting, which is half the point.

I'm quite self contained and a bit of a 'compartmentaliser'. I don't really seek others opinions on things I suppose.

Occasionally people tell me secrets. I don't really like knowing them though. I never tell and actually often forget them. I'll file it under 'none of my business' and my brain de-prioritises it !

I do usually but sometimes friends ask me specifically not to tell DH when they say everyone so I do respect that.

Depends on what is being told. I probably wouldn't mention TTC unless there was medical intervention involved. He would have sympathy with that but be highly uninterested in a run-of-the-mill conception.

EG I wouldnt tell him if a friend had an abortion.

EG I would tell him if one of our mutual friends was knocking around his wife though.

It would very much depend on the 'secret' or confidence. Most I would tell him unless it was highly personal.

"I know I am probably in the minority, but I do share the vast majority of things with my DH as he is my best friend and confidante, and I like his opinion and involvement."

I would imagine most people would agree with you. But we're talking about somebody else's things.

*I'm(as is DH) very clear with anyone I come into contact with, Do Not tell me anything if you don't want me to share with my husband,

I'm not watching what I say in my relationship for anyone, I wouldn't introduce duplicity into my relationship, why an earth would I allow anyone else to.

It's never caused any problems as we operate as a unit anyway, so anyone we have interaction with wouldn't expect us to deceive each other*

we also run a business together,so are together most of the time, it would cause difficulties if we had to conceal things from each other,

Sqoosh
Slightly melodramatic quoteunquote?

Interesting that you think that is, I suppose we are quite ridged on the matter, OH has a parent with MH issues, a sibling with issues(as do I), over the years we have found that the best policy when dealing with family members, who often try to inform one of us about something serious, which would cause difficulties if the other person isn't fully informed, is to have a very clear cut policy on how we choose to operate,

MrsCambellblack
Quoteunquote - golly. I'm not duplictious in my marriage but really do not feel to discuss other people's personal stuff with my DH. Its none of his business and he's not interested anyway*

It's funny how different everyones relationships are,

We know everyone in each others circles, massive overlaps, as we work together,

all our friends talk freely in front of both of us, so it not really an issue, we got the T-shirt for most the crap that life throws at you, so I suppose we haven't got any areas of our lives that are no go areas for discussion,

and If one of us was discussing someones issue with them, it would be something relevant to our own experiences, so would have an effect, we always discuss anything going on, on going dialogue, I keep DH fully informed as to what is going on in my head, as does he with me,

we've had to go to our children's funerals, you don't get a relationship to survive that sort of stress, without being totally open and able to talk,anything kept in will cause problems.

It works for us, 20 years, anyway we are both adults, and our conversations stay private,

I think duplicitous is possible the wrong word, I apologise if you felt offended,

We are very careful to never conceal anything from each other, in this relationship it would be considered being deceitful,

anyway everyone is different, thankfully or we would be bored.

Another voice to the 'why tell your dh/dp' crew. Two halves of a couple are not the same person! And if you have a lot of friends, and a lot going on in your life, it is too complicated to remember what is a secret / what isn't a secret / who knows and who doesn't and why - easier to just not tell secrets people have told you.

I do not tell my DH my friend's secrets because they have told me, not BOTH of us. My friendships often pre date my relationship, my husband will be told whats relevant or in passing eg holidays but certainly nothing I know is sensitive - for it is not my place to decide who gets to know!

YABU

Jesus wept! People think it's duplicitous to keep a friend's secret from their partner??????

I hope you always go to films together and read the same books because you won't be able to keep whodunnit a secret, would you? And how about birthday presents?

If they ask me not to tell anyone then I don't tell anyone.

I do assume that if I tell a friend something, it may get passed to their DP unless I ask them specifically not to. However, I don't get why people can't keep something to themselves if they have to. I don't have a DP, and there are a lot of friends' secrets I have never told a soul. It hasn't killed me yet...

i have allways been a compleatly seperate person to anybody i choose to become involved with irrespective of relationship.

my secrets are mine to share if i wish. other peoples secrets are not mine to share with anybody at all.i also have personal things about my life i wouldnt share with a husband,just because people get married it dosnt mean that they have no right to anything personal or private (providing its nothing that could impact on the other person).

equally as such i would be cross if i spoke to a friend about something in confidence i made it very clear it was in confidence and they repeated it to anybody.i would not concider them to be a friend anymore.

I'm find it quite funny that my having a relationship with my husband in which we are totally honest with each other is so shocking,

I hope you always go to films together and read the same books because you won't be able to keep whodunnit a secret, would you? And how about birthday presents?

forgive me Seeker, I'm not sure how that relates, I was discussing how I wasn't prepared to receive information that came with the proviso I do not share it with the person I share my life with,

I don't want to have to think before I speak when I am talking with my husband, I like having the freedom to say what ever I want, I don't want to think how to phrase things so as not to be lying,

that's just the way we are, I don't mind what other people do that's up to them.

I am totally honest with my partner- I just don't tell him things that I have no right to tell him.

The only time I would ever consider telling anyone anything that was told to me in confidence would be if I felt keeping it could cause the person to harm themselves or someone else.

The one thing I have learned from this thread is that if I ever want to tell someone something in confidence, I'll go and confess to a catholic priest.