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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 20:41

I'm also glad people can trust me.

I would also think slightly less of DH if he told me stuff he'd been told in confidence.

msbuggywinkle · 02/08/2012 20:48

If a friend told me not to tell anyone, I would assume it meant DP too. He socialises with my friends too sometimes and I wouldn't want him or them to feel weird, as he isn't as close to some of them as I am.

quoteunquote · 02/08/2012 20:56

I can assure you that plenty of people do trust us and talk to us, I would never allow someone to tell me something, unless I was sure that they understood that,

I spend a lot of time talking to friends and family about very personal things, I find it useful to talk things over with my husband, that a choice, I find it useful,

I'm very unlikely to share something anyone has said to me with anyone else other than him, I never do.

Socknickingpixie · 02/08/2012 21:01

quote do you tell a friend that if she wants to tell you something in confidence that you tell dh? or would you stop her midflow if it became obvious that she may not want you to repeat it? or reiterate it each time?

if so then i figure thats totally acceptable because everybody knows the score,the friend knows that if shes telling you then she is effectivly also telling him and she can make that choice.

seeker · 02/08/2012 21:30

And if somebody told ybpartner something in confidence and he told me, I would be really unhappy about it!

quoteunquote · 02/08/2012 21:38

most friends would be sat at our kitchen table drinking a glass of wine and telling me the in and outs of the situation, usually DH would be cooking,

most our friends wouldn't think twice about saying something in front of him, he knows far more about female plumbing, miscarriages ectopic pregnancies,...... than anyone should, friends often borrow him,

If someone was trying to tell me something and started with "don't tell ...(DH)... but this happened ........., I would stop them there, but It wouldn't happen as most people know us,

there is rarely not someone sat at our kitchen table having an in depth conversation.

Socknickingpixie · 02/08/2012 21:55

dh cooking???????? may i borrow him please,i promise i will give him back and only need him for as long as it takes to cook a few things

seeker · 02/08/2012 22:18

So you would deny your friend a listening ear because you couldn't keep what they said confidential? I find this baffling- and very sad.

What about your children? Do you tell their father everything they tell you?

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 22:34

Quote - you've clearly had some difficult times and your honesty with your DH is lovely. But, but if my sister who is my best friend told me something in confidence I would keep that confidence - and it really wouldn't occur to me not to.

This is no way devalues my marriage - its just separate.

quoteunquote · 02/08/2012 22:53

I've never denied a friend a listening ear, we get a lot of that, we also have a large workforce, lots who are close friends male and female, none have any hesitation to talk freely with either, or both of us,

we also often have people(adults and children) in crises staying with us, which often requires long hours of supportive talk,

My husband, is very use to talking through issues with all sorts of people,

as for cooking, the kitchens his, he enjoys it,passionate about food, anyone sitting still for a few seconds will be fed(experimented on),

with the children and we have a two sets plus extras, they might sometimes approach one of us to open up a subject, but will always involve the other themselves once they have opened up the subject,

If a friend has come to us for support by having both on board, if a future situation means they need one of us to come, the other person understands the history, and knows it's important to go and support.

we live in a tight community, we have a lots of people in our lives, very long term friendships, it would be odd to be out of loop, situations wouldn't make sense.

actually I think most of my friends probably want DH option or support, he one of those people that people really open up to, he spends a lot of time counselling people, he's annoying nice.

LordOfThe5Rings · 02/08/2012 22:59

As long as he doesn't go telling his Mum, who tells her friends, who tells their son who tells the person who told you:)

I do, but I know dp wont blab.

quoteunquote · 02/08/2012 23:05

sorry missed your post MrsCB,

one of my sisters has just been on holiday with DH, she tells him everything, they chat everything through, she texts him more than me,

My exMiL spends a lot of time with him, they are great mates,

He's looked after friends after abortion and miscarriages,

when friends have a long chat with him, they will invariable ask me the following day, "what do you think?', they expect us to put our heads together on their behalf,

can I ask you a question MrsCB,

If you were sat with your husband and you were thinking about your friend issue, and he asked "what's up, what's on your mind?"

what would you say?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 03/08/2012 00:01

I think there are limits. If I told a friend a personal problem, say thrush like when I was pregnant and had it constantly, I'd be pretty upset if she then went and told her OH - Because there is no need! Unless her OH is a doctor he cannot offer advice, and he can't even sympathize really.

If I told a friend about say an ongoing issue between my OH and I, and she told her OH I wouldn't mind so much as he could possibly give her advice to pass on that could be helpful.

Morloth · 03/08/2012 02:12

I don't keep secrets from DH but I don't necessarily tell him everything either.

We are a unit, any friend who us close enough to confide in me is also close enough to know that.

iscream · 03/08/2012 03:46

Never if it is confidential.

Arana · 03/08/2012 04:54

If I tell someone a secret in confidence, then I'm careful as to who I tell that secret to. The people with whom I have confided I have trusted enough that they can make the judgement over whether they tell their DHs or not. There are some people I would assume they would tell their husbands, because they have that sort of relationship, and others that wouldn't.

You also have to consider that the person being told the secret may not have wanted to know. I'm not someone that likes keeping secrets at all, but if I am told one, and think that I can help by coming up with solutions with DH, then I will.

StillSquiffy · 03/08/2012 05:46

I almost didn't bother looking at this thread because I just assumed OP would get flamed by everyone. I am quite shocked tbh that so many people think it ok to share all with their partners. It's not.

It's not often I read something on MN that makes me think long and hard about stuff in my RL but this one will. I am mentally going through my mates trying to work out if any of them might be in the same moral bucket as many on here. The thought makes me feel slightly queasy tbh, as does the moral justification "of course, if they specifically asked me not to, I wouldn't". It would never have occured to me that I might need to sub-divide my discussions into the confidential vs confidential-except-I-will-of-course-gossip-salaciously-with-DH.

I hope my friends think as I do.

seeker · 03/08/2012 05:46

" If you were sat with your husband and you were thinking about your friend issue, and he asked "what's up, what's on your mind?"

what would you say?"

I would say " Somebody told me something that's worrying me a bit, but they've asked me to keep it to myself". Or words to that effect.

Morloth · 03/08/2012 06:45

StillSquiffy 'I am quite shocked tbh that so many people think it ok to share all with their partners. It's not."

What makes you think you get to dictate the terms of someone else's relationship?

As I said I don't tell DH everything that I know that he doesn't because well that would take an age, but if he did ask me what was up with someone then I would tell him.

That is the way it is, it doesn't really matter how other people feel about it. Having said that, I would never promise to keep a secret and then tell him - I don't promise to keep the secret in the first place.

StillSquiffy · 03/08/2012 06:56

I have no interest in dictating the terms of other people's relationships, I'm just reassessing whether some of my mates have the same moral compass as you. Then I'll assess what kind of relationship I have, and want to have, with them.

Morloth · 03/08/2012 06:59

Fair enough, that is what I do with my friends.

Seems to work.

seeker · 03/08/2012 07:00

What I understand is why this is anything to do with the sort of relationship you have with your dp. It's about the relationship you have with the person who confided in you. Do you respect that person enough to keep their secrets, or not?

Unless it's about not trusting your partner enough to let them have a separate life?

Morloth · 03/08/2012 07:05

I don't think I have ever been asked to keep a secret for a friend you know, it just hasn't come up. Possibly this is because they know I would not exclude telling DH. I don't mind, I am available to support my friends any time they need it but that does not include keeping things from DH and that certainly wouldn't be a secret.

So the issue hasn't actually come up, of my really really close friends we all have the same sorts of relationships so I would assume they tell their husbands everything as well.

I have been asked a few times the whole 'Can you keep a secret?' thing, and have always responded with 'No', most of the time this is said in an attempt to pass on stupid gossip.

The only stuff I don't talk about with DH is stuff that is covered by confidentiality at work and that is because I signed an agreement to that effect when I began working there and I take contracts very seriously.

eslteacher · 03/08/2012 07:12

I agree with you there seeker. I tell some stuff to DP, but it depends on who it concerns, his relationship with them (if any) and my relationship with the person too. There is some stuff I'd divulge and some stuff I wouldn't. I had a friend staying with us who had a temporary but embarrassing medical problem, and she really didn't want anyone (tacitly including DP) to know. It would have been so much easier to explain to him becausehe was getting pretty confused with various goings-on, and he is the soul of discretion, but I knew how uncomfortable it should have made my friend so I kept schtum.

FamiliesShareGerms · 03/08/2012 07:19

I tell DH a fair amount of 1:1 conversations with friends and family, but personal, sensitive stuff they have shared? Never. Why would I? What business is it of his if a friend of mine isn't sure who the father of their unborn baby is, for example? Or if someone is considering getting pregnant "by accident"?

When I was pregnant we didn't want to tell anyone beyond our parents until 12 weeks. Except DH had to tell the friend of ours he was working for because of commitments around my due date. Friend then told his GF, who greeted me with a huge "congratulations" out of the blue when I bumped into her in the shops. My brother and sister didn't know they were getting a niece or nephew, but she knew because her DH had shared some very private information. Having been on that side of events, I would never do the same to others.