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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DP things friends tell me?

378 replies

CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 12:08

One of my closest friends told me that her and her DP are going to start trying for another baby soon. She didn't tell me not to tell anyone, but it obviously was implicit that I wasn't going to start shouting it from the rooftops. I did, however, tell my DP.

This got me thinking - my husband and I tell each other pretty much everything, including things our friends say and do. DP and I keep what we say between ourselves and don't spread gossip between friends.

Are we being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:01

Well I wouldn't tell that STD thing because that wouldn't upset me, but if my friend told me she was, for example, having an affair I would probably be upset because it actually sickens me and if I started talkin to DH about affairs and he said 'what's brought this up'
I would tell him, I'm not going to LIE to him. I know he wouldn't tell a sole

Sometimes people expect too much with the level of secret they expect you to keep

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:02

Again (about me) I am not bothered what you think. I am a grown up and can make my own choices and they happen to be different to yours. Hmm

evil voice I could be your best friend

seeker · 02/08/2012 15:03

Choosing to break a confidence for selfish reasons is not an acceptable adult choice.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2012 15:04

Perhaps though for those who tell their DH's everything - you should make that explicit if friends start confiding in you - just so they know the score.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:06

I said I did earlier 'other than DH?' and that got conveniently ignored Hmm

Nobody tells everything, but if it is relevant I will talk to DH about it as I said

Bluegrass · 02/08/2012 15:09

Talk of "betrayal" and "you would become my enemy" sounds all terribly dramatic!

If someone tells you something presumably that is because it is all about them (it's a "me me me" offloading of information or desire to get advice). Once info is shared though it may affect the person you share it with, and it is entirely up to their own conscience and discretion as to whether they might also want to offload.

By all means don't put them in that position by sharing with them in the first place but don't be surprised if they end up sharing what is going on in their head with the person they love and trust most in the world!

squoosh · 02/08/2012 15:09

My shoulders are stooped under the weight of secrets I carry, funny/sad/filthy etc.

I'm sure if I shed all these secrets I'd be a good half stone lighter.

seeker · 02/08/2012 15:11

And if they said "no, not even your dp"?

thebody · 02/08/2012 15:11

Loveberries, can see you bhafing!!!

Don't really care to be honest, I do see me and dh as one, we are married and have been through some fucking awful times, especially recently, but doesn't mean just because I feel this way that you should.

But if a friend asked me not to tell DH a secret then I wouldn't.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:12

Well I would tell them I didn't want to Put in that position

And if they still told me then they have been told

squoosh · 02/08/2012 15:13

Are people really so delicate that they can't carry the burden of some Top Secret Classified information from a friend? Diddums.

I agree with MrsCampbellBlack in that you should make it clear that you like to blab whenever you feel someone may be taking you into their confidence.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:15

Depends on what it is Squoosh as I said.

PetitIndice · 02/08/2012 15:15

YANBU - I assume, at this stage of our lives, that my friends tell their DPs. I tell mine, not that he gives a rat's ass about most of it.

If it is something really private, I would say 'Please don't tell anyone, including John, blah blah'. That's rare, though.

I think it's fine as long as all yourfriends have the same understanding.

seeker · 02/08/2012 15:17

Mumsnet is full of fragile flowers.

And of people who put passing on a bit of gossip to their dp over their friends.

Just like teenage girls - I bet they didn't follow the "mates before dates" rule.

Original poster
CharlieMouseWillDoIt · 02/08/2012 15:18

For those who say it's completely and utterly wrong to discuss things your friends say with your DH - does that mean anything??

What if a friend tells you she is thinking about moving house? What if a friend tells you that she is thinking of leaving her job? Is it immoral to discuss these things with your DH over dinner? Obviously if your friend said "please don't tell anyone, but I'm thinking of moving/changing jobs", then telling your partner is wrong, otherwise I really can't see where the problem lies.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/08/2012 15:20

Most of my husbands male friends are the partners/husbands of my best female friends, so on occasion there probably are things discussed in confidence with my friends that I would not discuss with him, because I know what a loose gob he has when he has had a couple of pints.

I would of course expect him to tell me everything that he knows about his mates.. Grin

thebody · 02/08/2012 15:21

I don't get the 'delicate flowers' quip. How so?

I think almost everyone has said on here that if they specifically we're asked not to tell their dh then THEY WOULDN'T.

though I do wonder why grown women feel the need to tell other grown women deadly classified secrets that no one must ever know.

That does sound like teenage girls stuff.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:22

Lot of general incorrect assumptions there seeker

DizzyKipper · 02/08/2012 15:23

Actually I agree with you Kayano about expectations being too high sometimes, but I think it's at least possible to maintain the person's anonymity if breaking their confidentiality. The most emotive secret I think anyone could tell me would be about a parent being diagnosed with cancer, let's say that this is what "Mary" has just told me. It would bring up a lot of painful feelings for me undoubtedly as my dad died of it. If 'Mary' explicitly told me she wasn't ready for anyone else to know yet I would take that as paramount. If it was really getting to me though and I needed DH's support - or he caught me sobbing away and I needed to explain myself - I might say something whilst doing my best to uphold her trust, even something as simple as "some one's just told me a relative of their's has cancer but they don't want me to spread it around, it's really getting to me though and making me think of a lot of things that happened when my dad was diagnosed." I'd then probably proceed to babble incoherently about horrible memories whilst crying. Have I upheld Mary's confidence by not revealing who she was or in what way the person was related to her? Or have I just broken it? I don't honestly know, perhaps I've just shown myself to be a hypocrite and will have the MN jury rip into me. But at least I know to whatever extent her confidence has been broken I at least know her anonymity was upheld, and that's with one of the most emotive positions of secrecy I can imagine myself being put in.

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:25

I do often replace 'friends name' with 'there is this woman on mumsnet' and create imaginary threads. (one time because it was about dps family) I did that once but generally I just say it like it is

Kayano · 02/08/2012 15:25

Often lol. Once*

RubyFakeNails · 02/08/2012 15:29

No worries Charlie Smile

As I said earlier, there is a scale. Its things which are confided that I have an issue with. I accept you telling your DH that so and so is off to Greece, just got a new job, broke-up with so and so, are fine. I think mainly because those things will become public knowledge without a fuss, however, if your friends confides in you, something that clearly she isn't sharing with anyone else or with only other close friends, you absolutely do not have the right to share it.

roundtable · 02/08/2012 15:31

If you're asked not to tell and it doesn't have devastating consequences for someone else, then you don't tell.

I had this happen to me when someone told their dh something I'd told them that affected no one but myself. I was mortified when I realised they knew. I now don't tell that friend anything personal.

There is stuff about my friends and my sister that my dh doesn't know and won't know as I was told in confidence.

I don't need tattle tales and gossip that would upset people to have a conversation with my dh.

*disclaimer-I will admit to enjoying a general gossip though with my dh just not secrets that people have entrusted to me. Grin

DizzyKipper · 02/08/2012 15:33

Do you think when you're doing that you're upholding their trust by not revealing their identity or do you think it's the same as just disclosing their secret anyway? I'm genuinely asking as I'm not really sure what I think of this - is it a betrayal regardless or does the attempt to hide their identity mean you're protecting their confidence?

ElephantsOlympianParty · 02/08/2012 15:44

I tell my OH stuff and he tells me. Too much, sometimes (like when he was in a previous relationship and he told me far too many intimate details about his then DP!). If the info is really sensitive I'll explicitly tell him not to pass it on, but then he just looks and asks who he has to tell. He's not one for gossip.

I do assume that friends will tell things I tell them to their partners, unless I say otherwise, at which point I feel really bad for putting that proviso in place. Felt especially bad when I asked a friend for legal advice regarding abuse, and although I didn't tell him who it was concerning I asked him not to tell his wife the little he knew. I did, however, send them both a bunch of flowers once it was in the papers and it was common knowledge. She said she quite understood, and was in no way upset I'd held her hubby to secrecy!