Mother takes DD to church and teaches her religion against my wishes

[Andifnotnow]

My mother looks after DD a day / couple of afternoons a week. They seem to have a happy relationship and most of the time I'm happy with that arrangement. However, sometimes during that time my mother is wont to take her to church and teaches her about God.

I am completely non religious and find it disturbing when my 4 year old starts repeating things she has been told about God, death, heaven and hell. I appreciate that people have their beliefs and I am not against that in others. However it just deeply upsets me to have my DD taught about those things an if it weren't for my mother the word and concept of "god" would not be in her vocabulary or head. She is attending a non denominational school and I would like her to make up her own mind when she is old enough to understand, and not be indoctrinated by stealth when she is so little.

Both me and DH have repeatedly asked my mother not to do that, and she pretends to go along with our wishes, until the next time.... and next. To the extent that I feel I just cannot trust her with it at all.

I am now thinking of calling her church and telling them that my DD is being brought there without my consent, am I being unreasonable? Have I got any legal right to stop that?

Otherwise I don't know what else to do, cut off contact between my mother and DD?

I just think this is a very silly and sad debate, we are talking about the dds grandmother, the woman whos blood is running through her veins. Unless she is some mad fundamentalist extremist, then surely no harm is coming to the child. Life is too short to cut your mother out because she has introduced her beliefes and what is important to her to her dgd.

Quite simply, if you don't want your DD to be taken to your mother's church then you need to stop leaving your DD alone with your mother for the day. Tell your mother she's welcome to come to your home to see your DD, but not take her out as you "have asked her more than once not to take her to church and you obviously are ignoring us and trying to undermine our parenting decision." If stopping this means you have to pay for childcare, then tough, you don't get to have a favour and then dictate how it's done.

Troll, I dont think it is either silly or sad to want your parental wishes respected. I do think cutting off the MIL is a step too far though. In my case, because my MIL could not be trusted to act innapropriately with respect to her religion (and I will not chronicle the litany of nonsense she subjected us to, suffice to say she did not respect my beliefs, or her sons at all), sadly it has turned out that she is quite a hands off granny. Sad, but a consequence of her own behaviour.

We might be born without religion but it's such a huge part of society/ the world then to think our can have a child 'without religion' is naive at best

Appropriately, ffs!

I don't mean cut her off completely, but make sure she sees her DGD with the OP too - there's no reason for grandparents to have 1:1 time, I never spent time alone with one of my grandmothers (due to where she lived and having to visit with parents) and had a great relationship with her.

As your DD gets older and is able to question more or just accept "this is granny's view, not mine" then going back to 1:1 time would be good.

'there is no reason for grandparents to have 1:1 time'

How utterly depressing

Fanjo
What the op's mother has done is indoctrinate a child who was completely without religion. This is terrible.
The child is four. Presumably starting school quite soon, how long do you think it would take her to find out that some people have religious beliefs? She doesn't have to share them, she hasn't been brainwashed. She can continue to be "without religion" if she chooses, while still being aware that other people are entitled to their views. If she'd been sold to the Scientologists you might have a point.
There are many, many terrible things that happen to children every day.

This is not one of them.

If you want to take advantage of her offer of childcare then you are exposing your daughter to her way of life and to her that seems to encompass this particular religion. If you ask her not to take her to church she would probably still be imparting the beliefs . Contacting the church itself would be extreme and I don't know what you expect them to do- you are effectively giving your consent by allowing your mother to act in loco. The way to avoid all this is to find alternative childcare for those odd afternoons or days and only involve your mother in a controlled way ie at your home if at all.

Kayano, but there is no reason for grandparents to have one on one time if they cant be trusted. My MIL has never even baby sat my son, but my mum is currently having him stay for two weeks. My mum can be trusted, my MIL would have him dragged to church every day. The only one missing out is my MIL, and that's her choice, her religion is more important to her than her grandson.

Kayano - why depressing? Why do relationships for grandchildren have to be conducted without other people there? It's not 'cutting her off' to say no 1:1 time (if she can't be trusted to keep to the parental decisions), but to allow her a similar amount of time just at the OP's house or the OP being there too at hers. It just means she can't go behind the OPs back yet again.

Of course if you need free childcare, then this is a different issue all together.

My parents have had very little time without me there too with DS, it's just logistics - that doesn't mean they are 'missing out'. It always strikes me as odd on MN that so many people think the only way DGC can have a meaningful relationship with their GPs is via 1:1 time and that time when the parents are there as well doesn't count....

As a non-believer, you passively teach your child that religion is not important. That is a strong message, and one which will outweigh the grandmother's efforts. Your child will eventually learn about religions in other ways, and religions are the basis for important cultural events in the year such as Easter and Christmas. If i were you, I'd try to make the church going as open as possible, expressly allowed, but limited to twice a month or so, and talk about it with your child in a low-key way to keep it monitored.
Forbidding it without very good reason, ie without a reason that your child can understand, will not have the desired outcome.

glastocat. Your MIL is not the only one missing out...

Flogging, so what do you suggest I do? My MIL is not interested in my child unless she can get him christened. Do you think I should let him have a one to one relationship with someone who is only interested in indoctrinating him? She has never asked for more or closer contact since we refused to christen him, and they have a good, if not a close relationship (she sees him all the time with us). I dont think my child is missing out at all, he doesn't believe in god either (despite, or perhaps because of going to a Catholic school), and he would certainly not be impressed by granny dragging him to church with her daily! So, who is missing out?

I don't see the problem-as it is your mother she presumably did the same with you and you rejected it so why can't your DD have the same choice? Or do you think that you were sensible and your DD isn't?
Maybe your DD takes after her grandmother. One thing is for sure-she will make up her own mind eventually.
To cut off contact seems very extreme.

YANBU, and I say this as a church goer catholic.
I don't get this respect thing going around either. As far as I am concerned, nobody should feel they have to respect my catholic faith. Why should they? If they think it's all mumbo jumbo and I'm a bit dim for believing in it, they should be free to say so!

As a non-believer, you passively teach your child that religion is not important. That is a strong message, and one which will outweigh the grandmother's efforts.

It depends entirely on the DD. We decide for ourselves and DCs will eventually decide for themselves-they are as free as anyone else.
OP is living proof that people don't follow their mother's belief system!!!

Put it this way
if OP's grandmother had been an atheist who passed on her views would OP not be more than a little upset if her mother cut off contact because she was a Christian and she didn't want indoctrination? (and yet this is what she is putting forward as an option ,the other way around).
We all have extended families with different views-I would call it healthy and wouldn't try and suppress them.

It is also more than a little hypocritical to say 'I didn't follow my mother but I want my DD to follow me'.

glastocat. Fair enough, I got the impression from your first post that they never spent any time together, sorry.

exoticfruits - not really, the OP said her mother is a recent convert. I guess that makes it stranger to the OP, if she hasn't been raised in that faith then it would seem odd to have her DD exposed to something she doesn't fully understand herself.

However, whatever it is, if it's not what you want to happen, then it's fine to say it's not happening, but not if you also want the 'free childcare'.

"As a non-believer, you passively teach your child that religion is not important"

no - as a non-religious person you teach your child nothing. They are without religion or any opinion on religion. There's no 'not important' about it.
Why do people think that the non-religious waste time trying to indoctrinate kids into thinking it's worthless when all they do is... well, nothing?

"We might be born without religion but it's such a huge part of society/ the world then to think our can have a child 'without religion' is naive at best"

but can't you see that for many people who do not have religion then it is highly disturbing to them that they should just be expected put up with the default position that their kids WILL learn about religion at some point so they may as well just lie back and accept it?

Why should that be the default position for those of us who have no religion? Why should I expect my child to learn something so he can reject it? Why does he have to learn it in the first place? The younger they get you the harder it is to reject IMO, particularly if you are being told it's some kind of real truth.

I guess it's less about religion and more about the fact that your Mum is doing something you have expressly asked her not to
If it's something you don't want her to do, the. She shouldn't do it. Whatever it happens to be.
Having said that, if she continues to do this even after you have explained that, then I would say that I would only take her to your Mum's for occasional visits and not put her in a position whe she can do this.
My Mum insists she wil take my son across a busy dual carriage way to show him the horses, every time we visit. Although she's late 70's and DS is known for slipping your hand and running. She waited until I went for a bath and took him. Needless to say, I don't leave her alone with the kids anymore.
Yes, it's sad you can't trust her to do as you ask

d fanjo we all have to learn things we don't want to or don't need to know.I had to learn how to use a slide rule at school,sheer hell and never had a need for it,same goes for anything else