Mother takes DD to church and teaches her religion against my wishes

[Andifnotnow]

My mother looks after DD a day / couple of afternoons a week. They seem to have a happy relationship and most of the time I'm happy with that arrangement. However, sometimes during that time my mother is wont to take her to church and teaches her about God.

I am completely non religious and find it disturbing when my 4 year old starts repeating things she has been told about God, death, heaven and hell. I appreciate that people have their beliefs and I am not against that in others. However it just deeply upsets me to have my DD taught about those things an if it weren't for my mother the word and concept of "god" would not be in her vocabulary or head. She is attending a non denominational school and I would like her to make up her own mind when she is old enough to understand, and not be indoctrinated by stealth when she is so little.

Both me and DH have repeatedly asked my mother not to do that, and she pretends to go along with our wishes, until the next time.... and next. To the extent that I feel I just cannot trust her with it at all.

I am now thinking of calling her church and telling them that my DD is being brought there without my consent, am I being unreasonable? Have I got any legal right to stop that?

Otherwise I don't know what else to do, cut off contact between my mother and DD?

There is no such thing as a (state) school that doesn't teach about god(s)
Mine go to a non-church school too. They learn about the God of muslims, christians and jews, and the gods of hinduism (I know that cos they've told me about them). No doubt the curriculum covers other religions as well. There's also a daily worship
Or do you mean yo withdraw your child from all those classes? Even then, she will talk to other children. You can't magic away the word God, you know
Wrt your mum. Is she taking her to eventa run at the church eg messy church? I think that's lovely but if you've said no, your mum should listen. This is between you and your mum - of course you can't phone the church up! If your mum won't listen, you don't have many options - find alternative childcare or keep trying to convince your mum.
Easier all round to go with the 'this is what my mum/your friend from school/the neighbour believe but I think ...' I'd have thought

I'm not sure speaking to the church would be appropriate, it's between you and your mother. I can't see that they would be in a position to stop your mum from attending with your. However I can appreciate that you'd be annoyed that she doesn't respect your wishes on this.

Are you sure she hasn't picked some of this up from school? All schools usually have an act of worship, and will probably learn abut various religions, sending her to a non-denominational school doesn't she will never hear a mention of God.

Jumping: "O/T as it seems a good a place as any. Parent who think a child should decide for themselves, how is the child going to do that if they aren't ever exposed to religion? puzzled"

The granny is only exposing her to one religion. If you genuinely believe that a child can only make up its mind about religion if it is exposed to it, then you would have to expose it to Christianity (Catholic, Protestant, Greek Orthodox, plus all the offshoots like Mormonism and Jehovah's Witnesses), Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism - and so on. Somehow I don't imagine the OP's mum is doing this.

Well it's not indoctrination and obviously not very good if you are now atheist.

The OP is so similar to an earlier thread that I thought it was a zombie! I can't find the other, so maybe it was in chat.

IIRC (which I may well not do!), the consensus was that unless you do not want to allow DD the freedom to adopt a religion/belief system, or to be agnostic, then learning about a range of religions is necessary. As DM seems to have DD only occasionally, she will not "catch" religion in the way, and your role is to expose her to other religions. That way, she will receive a rounded set of early exposures, which will be good for her personal spiritual journey.

If yo do not want to provide such countervailing opportunities, then the only course of action is to use paid, not family, childcare when the occasional need arises.

Well mostly it seems to be to do with karma and ancestors and Gods and attaching spirits, ghosts and demons and reincarnation.

Again I will be happy for DD to learn all there is to learn about it when she is capable of critical thought. But right not this is fed to her like its facts. It may be facts to my mother. The times she sees my DD are not during any worship taking place there.

I feel as strongly about it as you do glastocat even though the setting is different here in England.

My mum takes my children to church when she looks after them, I'm not bothered. I don't know what I believe, but when they come out with religious things I just explain that's what some people think, and others think differently. They enjoy it so that's the main thing.

I wouldn't be happy more for the fact that she is going somewhere I have explicitly asked her not to. Is she going herself anyway and just taking DD or is the trip specifically for DD?

I wouldn't worry too much though. My sister is a vicar and I'm an atheist. My DN has spent a lot of time with me since he was a baby. We won't do bedtime prayers or take him to church but we don't tell him it's wrong either. He knows we don't believe and he does, and he's fine with that.

There is a difference between hiding from religion, and someone taking your child to church against your will FFS. I had this problem with my mum. She asked if i was going to take my DD to church, i said no, she said well i'll take her anyway. My response was like hell you will. I went to church every sunday for 16 years and i did nothing for me. My DD will learn about religion at school, which is a CofE school, and if she wants to go to church i will support that. However i do not think that my religious mother should be allowed to influence my DD choice about religion. It is up to you what your child does, not your mother.

Then you don't let your daughter go out with your mum but I think your in for a shock if you think you can keep your daughter away from anything religious.

Teach your daughter to think for herself and draw her own conclusions. Both dh and I are deeply religious and our boys have been exposed to much religious influence over their lives; but we also taught them to be their own individuals and to reason logically for themselves. ds1 declared himself to be an atheist at age 4, and - 11 years on - that is still his position.

Has your mother always followed this religion or is it a new thing?

Might be asking the wrong Q here, but is it a mixed relationship? Coz having had a google, it all seems a cultural thing to me as opposed to an organised religious thing IYSWIM.

See, I'm making all sorts of assumptions in my head that your family is Japanese?

I also think it is good for children to grow up understanding that people have different beliefs and as much as practical exposing children to the faith of others.

I would hit the roof over this. It's indoctrination, not simply learning about religion.

Just visiting once or twice to see the building, fair enough. But that's not what's happening here is it?

Actually teaching her the beliefs as fact is simply not on.

Teach her about the big bang at home. Show her what you believe and tell her to question the people who are teaching her about the religions.

Pretty soon, they won't want her there because she asks too many probing questions

Religions don't like people who question. They hated me. I was asked to leave a church!

Jumping it's a religious sect with a hierarchy, doctrine and established worship practices and behaviour prescriptions which you are correct, originates from Japan. However, we are not Japanese.

My mother is actively teaching DD that as the way to see the world, - and then my daughter comes home and tells me all about what was there before she was born and what will be there after she has died. Frankly I don't really care what religion it is, if it were say more home grown Catholicism I would be equally disturbed. I must admit on an academic level it seems fairly interesting but I just don't want it fed to her by a figure of authority.

Kick - our church actively encourages people to question - especially the children and young people who attend

Why not use it as a chance to talk to your daughter about different peoples beliefs?

I have this issue to although it hasn't arose yet. I feel for you OP.

OP - your opening sentence:

"My mother looks after DD a day / couple of afternoons a week"

Sounds like childcare to me

No, I would not be happy with this at all. If you have expressly asked your mother not to do it, she should not.

Like glastocat, dh is also from NI and it does make one shy away from the notion that religious teaching "does no harm" so just ignore it.

"Teach her about the big bang at home" - hope thi will include that th key scientist in the discovery, known as The Father Of The Big Bang was a Catholic monk, praised by the Vatican for his work!

Seriously, there is no need to set up unnecessary discord.

And you are the biggest "figure of authority" - broaden her horizons: talk about eg native Indian creation stories (coyote), the Greek myths, the Norse sagas, the life of Siddartha, the political significance of the Dalai Lama: visit temples, synagogues, mosques, cathedrals etc. It'll fall into place if you let it.

And I suspect that the less fuss with DM the better: is she likely to act the martyr?

I do keep asking, is this a new thing for your mother or has she always practiced this religion?

Only reason I ask is that converts can be a bit full on with new found beliefs, where as people who grow up with it, tend to be a little more passive in there approach.

Is this off shoot, well is it what we might perceive to be 'cultish' or have dangerous overtones? (I'm thinking family isolation/tithing etc)

Sirzy how would you feel about your children being taught something that really you don't believe in and find offensive at the age of 4 as facts? Say, Satanism? It is a religion to its many followers, or how about that for the sake of diversity and openmindedness the philosophy of Ayn Rand? Or if you were vegetarian for your family to feed your kids meat on the sly and take them on educational tours of battery farms? Would you be happy for that to take place?

As the OP points out, there is a big difference between learning about religion, and being taught it as fact, which is what is happening with her DD.

The real issue is whether she can stop her mum doing it. If she can't, then the only answer is to stop her mum having one-to-one responsibility for her child and find alternative childcare.