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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not particularly want to share the nanny with a stranger over the school holidays without some sort of financial contribution?

145 replies

zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:28

Our nanny works for us 3 days a week to look after DS. She works for another family on the other 2 days who have 3 children.

Other mum says she can't get childcare for one of the days that nanny works for us. She has requested that our nanny look after her 3 as well as ours. She has offered to pay the nanny extra but has made no offer to contribute towards our costs (more than £100 per day for the nanny plus the swimming lesson that DS will have to miss).

She hasn't bothered to call me to discuss this, just has passed it all via the nanny.

So I've requested that she either pays us £50 or reciprocates the arrangement some time. Whatever extra she gives the nanny is none of my business. I've also said to the nanny, who looked awkward, that other mum should phone me if she has a problem.

But I'm really annoyed. I don't even know this other mum. Surely she cannot think she can share our nanny with no offer of a contribution. Quite frankly I think she has a cheek. Now the nanny will have 4 children to look after. DS will enjoy having some company, but won't get much attention (and we're trying to potty train).

I would never have requested this from her without offering to pay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
TheSurgeonsMate · 31/07/2012 14:32

Good grief! I live in a nanny-less world, I don't really know what the correct protocol is ... but that isn't it!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 31/07/2012 14:32

I think she is being bloody cheeky. She should have phoned you first, on the basis that on that day the nanny is working for you.

Your nanny should have said 'sorry you will have to discuss it with zebra' rather than passing messages though.

beachyvolleyballhead · 31/07/2012 14:32

Sorry, but the nanny is employed by you that day and neither you or she are obliged to help. If there was a request, nanny should have asked you and if you said yes, then fine.

I'm not sure why you would get any money for it though.

If you are not happy, then you say no, and the other women finds childcare.

girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:33

What you should be doing is asking your nanny to put her rate down on those days rather than trying to get other family to contribute.

She will be making more money as she will be charging both families.

Its the nannies job to sort it. I think YANBU to expect to pay the same but YAB a bit U to try and argue with a family you don't know, through the nanny about it. However this is forgiveable too as I think its just something you havent thought through yet.

Your DS will probably enjoy it.

girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:34

Lets be clear - only person really BU is nanny for thinking she can charge both families as normal thereby doubling her normal rate - that is not how nanny shares work.

staranise · 31/07/2012 14:35

Yes, she is rude not to ask you first - and you are within your rights I would think to say no to the arrangement. Your nanny is contracted to work for you that day.

At the very least I would expect her t come to some sort of arrangement with you first ie, nanny gets paid more for the day and you split the cost - you pay one-quarter, other parents pay three-quarters, to reflect the number of children. Where is your nanny going to look after the four children? Are you happy to have them in your house?

TheSurgeonsMate · 31/07/2012 14:35

So girlsofsummer there's nothing really wrong with the protocol? I'm astonished!

girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:36

reduced rate paid by both families.

Nanny still earns more than normal to compensate for more work

Each family benefits through cost savings

That is EXACTLY how nanny shares work. (I have one).

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:36

Beach - I think she should offer to contribute to us, because, instead of our child getting the nanny's full attention, there will now be 4 children. So, I may as well be paying a childminder for that day at £3.50 per hour instead of £10 + tax.

Plus, I don't think she should be seeing us as a source of free childcare, so there's a principle as well.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/07/2012 14:36

She was eing very sneaky to offer the nanny extra money. Of course the nanny is going to want to do it and if you say no it's going to look like you are the one who's being difficult.

Very rude behaviour on the other families part, and very unprofessional of your Nanny actually. She should have asked your permission to give out your details to this other woman and then let the two of you come to an arrangement yourselves and stayed out of it except to say whether sh was prepared to do it or not.

I think if you go with it you should insist that your ds is still taken to his lesson.

girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:37

obviously OP has to agree to it. Her contract is for sole charge.

But first rule of getting people to agree to change something is to find the benefit - in this case the cost saving.

valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 14:38

Hang on, to be clear, the nanny usually nanny shares with this other family and she needs to do an extra day in the holidays?

Apart from paying for the swimming lessons why should you be paid? It's one day. If you aren't happy talk to the nanny not the other family as you don't know them, it's up to the nanny to sort things out so everyone is happy.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:39

So girlsofsummer that is how my arrangement would work out, isn't it? If they make a contribution we each pay about half the daily rate effectively for that day.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 14:39

Is the nanny self employed ?

onemorebite · 31/07/2012 14:39

YANBU - I don't try to do another job on the same day as I am doing my main job. I wouldn't expect my nanny to do so either. She is working for you - end of.

If you are unhappy tell the nanny that you are not agreeing to it.

girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:40

Yes Op. Your nanny could either give you half the £100 or (easier) just charge you less for those days. Simples.

lovebunny · 31/07/2012 14:40

nanny should keep to the usual arrangement.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:41

No Valium this isn't a nanny share arrangement. Nanny works for us 3 days, and works for the others 2 days. We have independent arrangements with the nanny.

I don't know the other mum from Adam. If she was a friend, or even a neighbour, I would be completely happy about it.

OP posts:
girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:41

But nanny should do it - not the other family. Your arrangement is with nanny and she is acting outside her contract so reasonable for her to arrange it with each of you direct/

Mintyy · 31/07/2012 14:41

I can see that you are annoyed zebedee but remember that your nanny will have been put in an awkward position in having to ask you. I'm sure she would have preferred other mum to sort it out direct with you, rather than act as go-between.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:42

Nanny isn't self employed, she's my employee on a part time basis.

OP posts:
staranise · 31/07/2012 14:42

I have a nanny share on a similar basis to the OP. I don't know the other parents but my children do informal playdates with the other children, which my nanny arranges and I have no problem with.

However, if my nanny was expected to look after all the children, all day, including cooking for them etc and my children would miss an activity as a result, at the very least I would expect the other parents to clear this with me first and come to some arrangement whereby the nanny gets paid more (for looking after more children) but we split the cost either 50/50 or in proportion with the number of children we each have.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 31/07/2012 14:43

I don't think it has been gone about the right way but whenever I have done a one off nanny share, the families pay me separately and my usual rate.
My employer practically encourages this and I've never had anyone mention a lower rate at all.

I appreciate if it was a long term thing then it would have to be beneficial to both families but as a one off, I always get double pay.

BobbiFleckman · 31/07/2012 14:43

I think she was putting the nanny in an impossible position - does the poor nanny really want that many children even for an uplift in pay?

and by the way - is she proposing to send her potentially unruly children to your house for the day to eat the food from your fridge and throw your children's toys around?

If this was a friend, you'd find a solution but in this case i think you take her phone number from the nanny and tell her that on this occasion it just doesn't work so she will have to make alternative arrangments - don't let the nanny be the go between again.

girlsofsummer · 31/07/2012 14:43

For contrast I share a nanny 3 days a week and she works for me other days. We each pay nanny direct, even if other family use extra days. it works out much cheaper for both of us than having sole charge as we pay reduced hourly rate compared to sole charge nanny