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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not particularly want to share the nanny with a stranger over the school holidays without some sort of financial contribution?

145 replies

zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:28

Our nanny works for us 3 days a week to look after DS. She works for another family on the other 2 days who have 3 children.

Other mum says she can't get childcare for one of the days that nanny works for us. She has requested that our nanny look after her 3 as well as ours. She has offered to pay the nanny extra but has made no offer to contribute towards our costs (more than £100 per day for the nanny plus the swimming lesson that DS will have to miss).

She hasn't bothered to call me to discuss this, just has passed it all via the nanny.

So I've requested that she either pays us £50 or reciprocates the arrangement some time. Whatever extra she gives the nanny is none of my business. I've also said to the nanny, who looked awkward, that other mum should phone me if she has a problem.

But I'm really annoyed. I don't even know this other mum. Surely she cannot think she can share our nanny with no offer of a contribution. Quite frankly I think she has a cheek. Now the nanny will have 4 children to look after. DS will enjoy having some company, but won't get much attention (and we're trying to potty train).

I would never have requested this from her without offering to pay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
honeytea · 31/07/2012 20:29

If you didn't have a car you could ask a friend, or take a cab. I think the nanny would be fine with 4 kids if it all goes to plan, but there is so much more that can go wrong. If you have 3 kids that's a choice you have made but if you have 1 kid and they have to spend the day with 3 other kids in a house that won't have been helth and safety checked that is a risk I wouldn't take.

greenwichgroove · 31/07/2012 20:34

The nanny should have said she works for you those days and can't do it. She was effectively thinking she was going to get paid twice (each family) for the day she should have been providing one on one care for your son.

I would insist your son is taken to his swimming lesson, the other family need to work round you, its YOUR day.

If she can't fit them all in the car she needs a large taxi.

The other mum was cheeky but the nanny was the one in the wrong.

No way would I be paying in full for my sons sole care to turn into one of four and miss his lessons.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 20:34

Well I've just spoken with DP. He did tell nanny that we expected payment or reciprocation, so why she hasn't told other mum that I haven't a clue. Only now we have a date when this is supposed to be going ahead.

I feel like the wool has been pulled over my eyes.

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 31/07/2012 20:37

Get the number of the other mum and ring her. If your dc is going to be spending time with her dc then this would be a normal thing to do anyway. And then you can get it straightened out and be very clear about what is happening.

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2012 20:39

Agree the other family need to be working around your commitments and the plans your nanny has for your ds.

Just to mention, there's a lot of talk of mothers on this thread and how it's her responsibility, or the mother has a cheek. I don't know but I hope the children have 2 parents and if they do, they are both responsible and cheeky!

iloveACK · 31/07/2012 20:46

The thing that would probably bother me is the children hanging out somewhere I haven't been. Presumably the house safety wise is fine as you trust your nanny but I like to know where my children are & the kind of places they're hanging out.

You can still say no!

orchidee · 31/07/2012 20:55

I suspect it may not feel that way at the.moment but OP you are in a position of power. It's your choice whether this goes.ahead and.under what circumstances. I would suggest the other family pay the entire cost of the day. Also, that you all meet up beforehand to introduce your child to the other family. Being in some other family's house tat are. total.strangers could be a.long,.stressful day. I assume your.child will need an early arrival and late return if the nanny must be at the other home to.cover the parents' commute.

To be honest though I wouldn't do it. Why inconvenience yourself, make your child miss an event he.enjoys and take.the.risks of things not.going to plan.

orchidee · 31/07/2012 21:04

I would also be surprised if the nanny would be insured to care for other children in the other family's home. Insurance tends to be very specific about what's covered so this should be a simple check (and could be an easy way out of the arrangement). If the nanny can care for unrelated children at either home then it sounds like you could be running a nursery from home! I'm sure there must be some rule to prevent that.

TheSurgeonsMate · 31/07/2012 21:07

Oh. It is just a day. I have changed my analysis again.

To: It's just a day! Yes, I think there should be accommodation on payment etc, but ignore any nonsense about play value of other family's toys etc. There has to be something a 2year old can learn from a variation in routine with a trusted caregiver.

orchidee · 31/07/2012 21:11

OP- is it just a one-off? The title "...over the summer holidays" makes it sound like a weekly arrangement.

GhostShip · 31/07/2012 21:37

Why should the other family have to pay you? Surely it should be the nanny dropping her price!

DontmindifIdo · 31/07/2012 21:40

I think you are well within your rights to say no, so if she doesn't want to let the other family down, she has to take a day from her holiday allowance and you'll make other arrangements that day. Because this probably won't end up being a one off. Apart from anything else, she's been sneeky and not treating you as two separate jobs.

olibeansmummy · 31/07/2012 21:53

I'd be saying no on the grounds of the missed swimming lesson. That's really not fair.

greenwichgroove · 31/07/2012 22:03

I also think once the other family have tried it it wont be a one off. Everytime something happens you will have to share your nanny.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 31/07/2012 22:17

Yes, is this a one day one off, or one day a week for the whole summer hols? If the latter, definitely put your foot down.

On the 'the nanny should cut her price' argument - well whether she should or not, no way will it happen. What's in it for her to make her job harder but take less money? If she thought that was on the cards she wouldn't have agreed.

The OP and her son are the biggest losers here and stand to gain nothing. There's no reason to go along with this. I would, as I said earlier, say it doesn't suit you, regardless of money issues, and put that in writing to nanny and other mum so there can be no more confusion.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 22:21

It certainly will be a one off, if it happens. If other mum doesn't call me to discuss it, I may well change my mind. But I will most definitely be saying no if they ever ask again!

OP posts:
LeeCoakley · 31/07/2012 22:44

You mentioned reciprocation though. Maybe the other mother said that's fine I'll do the same for zebra when she needs extra childcare so that's why she hasn't thought to pay you any compensation for the day.

This is what should happen re costs : each family pays 50% of normal daily rate and other family pay nanny extra - maybe 20/25% because nanny is effectively doing two jobs at once.

Myself I'd say no. Especially factoring in the swimming lesson.

Halfawife · 31/07/2012 23:36

The other mum is out of line by not contacting you and asking if it was ok. She went through the nanny knowing that the nanny would not decline (more money? Sure!). I would contact the other mum and say "no". Why should your son miss his swimming? She has no right to encroach on your days. She would probably not be pleased if you tried to pull the same thing on her. Cheeky mare!

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 01/08/2012 14:02

Thanks for all your help girls. I have now said no.

OP posts:
iloveACK · 01/08/2012 15:32

Now I want to know what happened Grin

ophelia275 · 01/08/2012 15:54

The issue is with your nanny, not with the other mum. Your nanny works for you, the other mum doesn't. Sure, it is not the most reasonable thing for the other mum to suggest but at the end of the day it is your nanny who should be saying "no" or offering to compensate you. She is the one you have the contract with.

wildkat · 01/08/2012 16:16

Glad you have it sorted zebedee and you were totally within your rights to say no. I think I would have tried to find a way of accommodating as it was a one-off and you never know when you'll have an emergency meaning you would like to ask the nanny for a similar favour. Maybe you could still make it clear that you would consider it if the situation comes up again, as long as it meant your family weren't put out and your nanny's rate was adjusted appropriately.

JustFabulous · 01/08/2012 16:38

I can't help feeling this is another example of how nanny work is a different ball game from many other jobs.

It would be nice to help out. All this talk of it isn't per the contract, I want paying, the other family are getting reduced rate childcare, smacks of it being very regimented.

I used to be a nanny and have worked many different positions including shares for 5 days a week with both famillies and one where both families had 4 days and one had the fifth day. All 3 parties were very flexible. If I had the other child on the 5th day I never expected to get more money. It was a long time ago but I wouldn't be surprised if I had been given a small token of appreciation.

You are more than just "the help" when you are caring for someone'e baby and while a contract is important I have never stuck to it rigidly as I loved the children, liked the parents and would do anything to help them. Equally they didn't take advantage and I knew I was very much appreciated.

One family employed me for years until they moved away and we were so close that they were on my top table at my wedding, the child was a page boy and the dad gave me away.

Having said all that, this hasn't been handled well at all by anyone imo.

foreverondiet · 01/08/2012 19:06

Aside from the money do you agree to this?

If its ok in principle just the money aspect is annoying you - I would say to the other mum that the nanny gets x per hour so if she is looking after 4 kid 1 of yours and 3 of hers then she needs to pay 3/4 of the costs! Ok maybe the nanny should get a little more as its 4 kids to look after but you should pay a lot less as your child now is 1 of 4 rather than 1 of 1.

But actually I wouldn't agree to it at all, because your DS will not get the same level of care if the nanny has 4 kids to look after.

BranchingOut · 01/08/2012 21:39

This reminds me of a family who approached me on a nannyshare website. They wanted to share their nanny, whom they needed for after school pickups.

I wanted full days, but they were willing to offer me 9 - 3pm.

Absolutely no care could be offered to me after 3pm, they expected me to pay full rate from 9am - 3pm, register as an entirely seperate employer etc but the nanny was expected to be available whenever they needed her for INSET days and school closures.

I did ask them exactly what I was going to be getting out of this arrangement....