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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not particularly want to share the nanny with a stranger over the school holidays without some sort of financial contribution?

145 replies

zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 14:28

Our nanny works for us 3 days a week to look after DS. She works for another family on the other 2 days who have 3 children.

Other mum says she can't get childcare for one of the days that nanny works for us. She has requested that our nanny look after her 3 as well as ours. She has offered to pay the nanny extra but has made no offer to contribute towards our costs (more than £100 per day for the nanny plus the swimming lesson that DS will have to miss).

She hasn't bothered to call me to discuss this, just has passed it all via the nanny.

So I've requested that she either pays us £50 or reciprocates the arrangement some time. Whatever extra she gives the nanny is none of my business. I've also said to the nanny, who looked awkward, that other mum should phone me if she has a problem.

But I'm really annoyed. I don't even know this other mum. Surely she cannot think she can share our nanny with no offer of a contribution. Quite frankly I think she has a cheek. Now the nanny will have 4 children to look after. DS will enjoy having some company, but won't get much attention (and we're trying to potty train).

I would never have requested this from her without offering to pay.

What do you think?

OP posts:
minipie · 31/07/2012 16:00

So hang on a sec... your nanny did do the right thing as she asked your DH if this was ok ... and your DH said yes.

Seems like it's your DH who is BU for saying yes without asking you first!

Other parents ideally should have asked you directly rather than via the shared nanny, but since you don't know each other it's quite understandable that they asked the nanny instead.

Viviennemary · 31/07/2012 16:02

I think your nanny was in the wrong for not clearing it with you as well as your DP. It really does seem very unfair that you are paying a daily rate of over £100 for sole charge and the nanny agrees to look after three other children as well as your child. It just simply isn't fair.

But whether it's worth making a huge issue of it is another thing. If she is a good nanny and reliable perhaps it would be worth just chalking this up to experience this time. But you are right to be vv annoyed.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/07/2012 16:09

Oh I think if you check with one of your employers thats enough - but your DH needs to perhaps check things with you Smile

IvanaNap · 31/07/2012 16:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

staranise · 31/07/2012 16:24

I would not expect to pay £100+ a day for my nanny to look after somebody else's 3 children - that should be obvious to her so ideally she needs to either reduce her rate for that day or say no to her other employer. (extreme solution would be to make DH take a day off and tell the nanny to take unpaid leave.)

However....If she is a good nanny and you're on good terms with her, plus there's obviously been some confused communications going on, it may not be worth causing a lot of upset. I'm happy to put up with a fair amount of give and take with our nannies if they are generally reliable, flexible, competent, nice people. It's probably for you to judge, not MN, I'm afraid.

JustFabulous · 31/07/2012 16:24

The mum should have asked you if you were happy to share the nanny that day.
If you said no, end of.
If you said yes, then the nanny should have been asked.
The other mother should pay the full whack for a full day like she would if it was her usual day to use the nanny.
You shouldn't really be getting anything from the other mother, unless it is costing you any actual money to have your nanny help this mother out. The nanny is doing the work. What is it actually costing you? Your child will benefit more from extra play mates and a change of scenery than they will lose by not having 1 to 1 care for one day.

starfishmummy · 31/07/2012 16:32

I would not be happy paying for a nanny who then decides it is OK to look after extra children as well - and get extra pay.

But the OP's DH said yes, so I think she is a bit stuck with it. However I would make having a chat with Nanny about this a priority as I would not want her to think she can do it again!

bubby64 · 31/07/2012 16:57

YANBU , but the thing that would worry me is that your dc being taken to the house of someone you have never met, with another persons dc you have also have met, despite the fact your DC is with a person you seem to trust. This would be totally unacceptable if it was my toddler.

Original poster
zebedeethezebra · 31/07/2012 17:01

Nanny did ask DP last week. DP mentioned it to me in the evening. I said yes, provided other mum contributed or reciprocated. DP must have said yes to nanny without giving her the conditions (as today nanny clearly didn't know about the conditions).

Now I've given nanny the conditions. I don't blame her. But I think she's been put in an awkward position. I'm not sure if she expects to get extra. Her job is the same however many children she has, since the other family pay her the same as us per hour to look after their 3 children, whereas we only have one.

Other mum has offered to pay her extra (which I doubt will be anywhere near a full day's rate), but hasn't considered that we are now paying nanny a full day's rate to look after her children as well as ours. So other mum is getting a massive benefit because its saving her money.

OP posts:
BobbiFleckman · 31/07/2012 17:10

tell nannytax to knock half a day's pay off this month - it's not complicated at all - just one email to them will sort it. Nanny gets day + half rate, you get a half price day, other family gets emergency cover. all happy.

just as long as nobody makes a regular feature of it... Since it's going ahead anyway, you shoudl probably put a call in to teh other woman too to introduce yourself (since she's too rude to do the same) / make it clear it's a one off (politely but firmly) and check that she doesn't sound like she lives in a crack den that you don't want yoru child in. I'd probably want to see teh place myself, and check that she has something other than fruit shoot and frosties in the house for my child to eat but that might be pushing it.

Will nanny come to your house to collect your child in teh mornign & take him over to the other house?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 31/07/2012 17:30

The cost for the day should be split 75/25 given she has 3 children and you have one.

I think this is bloody cheeky. Its on par with the tight fuckers where I used to keep my horse who would grab your vet and rope them into treating something on their horse, no offer of splitting the £40 callout fee to get the vet there in the first fucking place.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 31/07/2012 17:42

OP, could you say to the nanny that DH had forgotten about the swimming lesson when he said yes but now you have remembered it, it isn't going to work out and she needs to tell her other employer that she isn't available to work? That gets you out of the immediate situation.

Then, sepearately, have a conversation about how you are employing her on those days and you are paying for sole care and therefore, having thought it through some more, you will be declining any future requests of thsi kind.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 31/07/2012 17:51

I would rescind your DP's agreement and tell the nanny (asap of course) that on consideration, it's too much of a change from your standard contracted terms so you are withdrawing your agreement. I would write a note saying this for her to give to the other mum - this gets the message across to other mum (who I think has been cheeky) without either you or nanny getting all the heat.

Viviennemary · 31/07/2012 17:54

I wonder how much the other Mother is paying for the day. This is why this arrangment is just so not right. Because you would feel that wasn't your business. But the point is the nanny is employed by you on this day and just isn't free to look after other children except by an arrangement that is acceptable to everyone. And it's not acceptable to you. And it wouldn't really be to me either.

honeytea · 31/07/2012 17:55

YANBU It is not fair for you at all, the other kids will be in their ow house with their own toys, what if it is not fun for your DC? You have never met these kids, they may well be lovely and nice and well behaved but it might be like a episode of super nanny.

Also if she can't fit them all in the car what happens if she needs to take one of them to hospital?

ENormaSnob · 31/07/2012 18:12

Yanbu

Your ds misses his swim lesson, gets a day with dc he has never met and spends all day in a strange house?

This wouldn't be happening to my 2 year old and I don't think it's fair on yours tbh.

CommaChameleon · 31/07/2012 18:28

I agree with Ennis, if you really don't want to go ahead then remind her about the swimming lesson and say your DH forgot about it when he agreed to the arrangement.

Plus, how do you feel about your son being cared for in a house you have never been in before and with children he has never met.

Otherwise, I would follow Bobbi's suggestion and ask NannyTax to reduce her payment for that day by 75% to take into account the other children.

ivykaty44 · 31/07/2012 18:47

Also if she can't fit them all in the car what happens if she needs to take one of them to hospital?

she needs to call for emergency services

Dozer · 31/07/2012 19:16

You can still say no, I might honour Dh's commitment if it was a one-off, but not for more than that, I would simply say that now you've had time to consider it it's a no. He made a mistake, that doesn't mean you need to put up with it.

or (if you're prepared to do it) reduce the pay for those days to reflect that it is not sole care, as a written contract variation. In a contract variation (not sure if it's the right term) I would also be clear that any work on this basis must be with your prior notice of X weeks and approval.

honeytea · 31/07/2012 20:07

Also if she can't fit them all in the car what happens if she needs to take one of them to hospital?

she needs to call for emergency services

Can you do that for something small? if one of them had a cut or something could you really call 999?

ivykaty44 · 31/07/2012 20:13

If it was small would you need to go to hospital?

valiumredhead · 31/07/2012 20:13

What do you think people do when they don't have a car at all honey?

iloveACK · 31/07/2012 20:22

If you don't like it then say no as there's nothing in it for you & is actually to the detriment of your child. Surely the exact reason you have a nanny is so that things like swimming lessons are easily accommodated!

That said, as others have mentioned, it's nice to be flexible if you can especially where you might need that one day!

ivykaty44 · 31/07/2012 20:23

you can call a cab if you don't have a car at all - there are plenty of cab companies with cars that fit 8-10 people.

Heebiejeebie · 31/07/2012 20:26

You could get on your high horse and say that your husband is a fool and no one in their right mind would dream of such a thing. Or you could say fine, have a nice time, but can you ask her to give me a call. If you want to make a point, ask for a refund from nanny or other mother for the swimming lesson. It depends on whether you think your nanny is kind and helpful and would help you out in a fix or if you think she is inclined to take the piss. And if the latter, then I suggest you review your childcare arrangements.