AIBU to think my Ex should have at least consulted me about kids staying over at his girlfriends?

[LJ29]

My ex and I split up last September and he has had a new girlfriend since January. The kids get on great with her, I have met her and she seems nice enough. however the kids have just told me on the phone that they are having a sleepover at her house tonight. This is the first I have heard about it. Am I overreacting and being precious or do you think it reasonable to be informed/consulted by my ex?

YABU.

They're his kids just as much as yours, and he doesn't need your permission to take them to stay at someone's house. Sorry.

YABU and YANBU.

I have faced simelar. I think if you trust your ex with your dc and he's a good Dad, then he has every right to take the dc to stay with his GF. I know it can be a hard pill to swallow, but you wouldn't ask his permission every time your dc have a sleepover with one of your friends or family so you have to let it go.

All that matters is that your dc are happy and well looked after.

There is no reason he needs to tell you anything about what he plans to do with them, so long as he is not putting them in danger.

It might have been nice but not strictly necessary.

I'm not wanting him to ask for permission, just to at least have the decency to inform me. Its a big thing when another woman/mother figure becomes part of your childrens' life. Its scary and creates a lot of anxiety. Is common courtesy really that much to ask for?

May I ask what specifically you are concerned about and what difference telling you would have made?

I think that if he is staying at girlfriends with them, then he doesn't need to ask you permission, if he is leaving them with her while he isn't there then that is different. Can I ask if you ask his permission to allow them on sleepovers etc.

Will he be there too?

sorry xpost. Yes it's common courtesy I agree on that one. That said my ex doesn't tell me when she meets a new bloke and vice versa. Her life is her life and mine is mine.

you have been told - the kids told you

Its not about permission!!!! Its about acknowledging that for a mum, having another woman involved in your kids life is a difficult thing to get used to. I would never dream of taking my kids to another man's house without having the decency to let him know first.

YANBU. I would want to know, and I wouldn't have wanted to hear it from my kids.

Yeah. I'd like to know. Unreasonable? Shoot me.

It might be a big thing for you, but actually it isn't for a lot of people.

I fear this may well be a big girl pants situation.

I told - didn't ask for permission, but told - exP when I met my new partner, and also told him when he started staying over. Because as much as we may be seperate people now, we are both still parents of DS, and any person involved in my life is inevitably involved in DSs.

It is a hard thing to accept, but it's hard for you, not the dc. Your ex isn't obliged to consider your feelings in that way any more. He just has to be a good Dad and look after them well, and it sounds like he's doing that.

I don't mean to sound callous and I really do understand how this feels, but he actually doesn't have to acknowledge that it's hard for you to see another woman in your dc's lives. That stuff was all dealt with as an inevitable consequence of the two of you splitting up at the time the split happened.

Thanks guys, perhaps its me expecting too many manners. I am disappointed I gues because neither of us consider ourselves single parents. Whilst not in a relationship, we very definitely parent and bring our children up together. We discuss everything normally and he will know that for me this is an important and big step.

Maybe he genuinely didn't realise you would have a problem with them staying over because you already know her and have met her and he knows you thought she was ok?

She's already involved in their lives - you've met her and say she is really nice. What difference does it make where the DCs sleep when they are with their father?

It's just something us separated/divorced parents have to get used to, I'm afraid.

of course he should would you not do the same i would

just because they are with their father you do not stop beign a parent and naturally you want to know where they are staying. i expect the ex (though he left while i was pregnant) to tell me when ds is seeing his girlfriend. he is only 4 why would i not want to know who he is spending a lot (and too much too soon) time with

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

If the children are staying with him and he decides to have them sleep ov at his mum's, sister's, best mate's.... Then fine. No issue.

But there is a big difference between kids staying with their granny and staying with a girlfriend who may or may not be a long term partner.

It is very disruptive for children to become familiar with new girlfriends / boyfriends and then for them to move on to the next one.

YANBU.

All the posters saying he doesnz't have ro acknowledge your feelings are missing the point. It is about the children and their stability.

I think it's you that is missing the point Greythorne. Whether or not he tells her when/where he is taking the kids, will have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the stability of the relationship.

She needs to let go and trust him to make the right choices., quite simply because she actually has no other option.

Like everyone else, I don't think he has any obligation to tell you.

Do you phone and tell him when you want to take the children somewhere?

I suppose it would have been considerate of him to tell you, but do you always consider his feelings before doing something with them? Or do you just do it?

Would you feel the need to tell him if you were taking them to stay the night a new boyfriends house?