AIBU to think my Ex should have at least consulted me about kids staying over at his girlfriends?

[LJ29]

My ex and I split up last September and he has had a new girlfriend since January. The kids get on great with her, I have met her and she seems nice enough. however the kids have just told me on the phone that they are having a sleepover at her house tonight. This is the first I have heard about it. Am I overreacting and being precious or do you think it reasonable to be informed/consulted by my ex?

Well you split up 10 months ago, and so if course your joint decision making as it were will begin to wane. It isn't reasonable to expect your Ex to run everything by you. As their father, whom you apparently trust, he is just as capable as you of using his judgement and looking after your children.

You need to start letting go because what isn't healthy for your children us having a neurotic mother who is still clinging onto fragments of something that no longer exists.

You and he surely discussed meeting his new gf, right? If so, why didn't you bring up your concerns about your children meeting her and eventually staying with her?

You are changing your mind in mid-stream. You gave all indications that you are fine with the gf. As long as he thinks you are fine, whatever he does, as long as the children are safe and cared for, is none of your business.

Neurotic as I may be, I will never give up on doing the right thing for my children. They matter more in the world to me than anyone. We agreed that we would make decisions together, to go behind my back because it suits him is out of order IMO.

The issue of them staying with here wasn't raised. I had always been told they couldn't because she only has a one bedroom flat.

Stop with the drip feeding. Couples row and then kiss and make-up. Seem that was the case with your ex and his gf.

You want control and since you don't have it, you are throwing out "moral duty".

WorraLiberty what it would have changed is that we could have had a reasonable discussion about whether or not this is the right time/impact on the kids etc and I would have felt that we had explored the issue and any potential consequences, therefore I possibly would have been more confident that this isn't necessarily a bad thing. As it is, I don't believe that we as parents have done the best by our children.

They are staying the night with their Dad and his partner and they are very happy to be doing so.

Fair enough he should have had the manners to tell you this, but I suspect he thinks you might have wanted to make a meal out of it.

I want what is best for my children not control. I don't want to say that they can't stay over, tonight or in the future. What I want is to ensure that it happens when it is right for our children and not when it is convenient for him.

i do not think you are being neurotic at all

i think what this is also about is he is not thinking about your feelings and that does hurt no one wants to have children with someone who no longer considers your feelings and it takes time to come to terms with that, it does not mean he does not care its just you are not as important to him. i would inform my ex becasue i like to keep that level of respect there. put that aside he should still jsut inform you it is a big step in the relationship for them and your children, just a simple text btw we are staying at .... discussing it well maybe that is now expecting too much but certainly being informed is not

I want what is best for my children not control. I don't want to say that they can't stay over, tonight or in the future. What I want is to ensure that it happens when it is right for our children and not when it is convenient for him.

That discussion should have happened in January when he was dating someone new. It should have happened when there was a discussion about the children meeting her. It should have happened when you met her.

mynewpassion - hindsight is wonderful isn't it! Perhaps if I had known this was on the cards we could have discussed it earlier. But like I say in a one bedroomed flat I didn't think it was an option.

Well he obviously thinks it's the right time for the children and by the sounds of it, the children do too

Seriously, it's a sleepover...not a kidnap situation.

But you were ok with her sleeping over at his when the kids were there, right?
You are ok with them sleeping over at his relatives even if its on air mattresses or sleeping bags? So, what's the big deal?

They don't sleep over at his, as he is living in the box room at his mums, if he has them overnight he has to come back to our house(still trying to sell it, bloody housing market!!!) and sleeps in the spare bed. Sleep overs aren't an issue with relatives who they have known all their lives. However I do think a relatively new girlfriend is a bit different as its potentially unsettling for them if it goes wrong when they have only just got their heads around us not being together.

She's not relatively new though is she? It's been 6 months.

I think (perhaps understandably) you're feeling a little jealous and pushed out because this signifies that your children have accepted her.

If I'm right and that's the case, I think you need to find a way to deal with that rather than focusing on whether he decided to tell you or not.

WorraLiberty I appreciate you taking the time to give me advice on here but with the greatest of respect you can't possibly know how I am feeling.

I am not jealous, it was me who decided we should split up and I sent her an email when they got together wishing them the best of luck. I have never said a bad word about her, to anyone. I encourage the children to be respectful to her and to have fun when they are out with her. It is in their interests to get on with her.

However! I am a worried mother. I cannot understand people criticising a mother trying to do the best by her children.

Yabu sorry, my son's dad told me yesterday after spending the weekend at his dads, that he had a big day out with his dads girlfriend and her two sons and then the girlfriend stayed over and ds had to sleep in a different bed as the girlfriend would be on 'his side of the bed' (he shares a double bed with his dad when he stays).

That's the first I've heard that he's got a girlfriend. I was fine with it. Ds and I have also moved in together with my partner of 3.5 years and didn't consult ds's dad.

I have no contact with his dad however, it was a very messy split involving court for access, I had to get a restraining order against him and the court have ordered that he doesn't have my phone number so maybe this is why my opinion is different from yours, I might think differently if things were amicable.

Ok then perhaps you'd actually like to list the things you're worried about? Because so far I can see no reason to be worried at all about the kids staying overnight with their Dad at her flat.

So what are you worried about?

I think it's natural to be worried, but I also think you are going to have to accept that the longer you are apart, the more it's likely that you will start to make some decisions about the children independently from each other.

In this case, it doesn't sound like you have any real reason to be worried other than natural motherly concern. I would be careful of making a big deal of it (though to be fair you haven't actually said whether you intend to raise this with your ex or not) - or at least be very careful how you bring this up. If you push this issue, they could easily take it the wrong way, and it may work against you in sustaining a communicative relationship with your ex in the future.

FWIW, I know that my DP and his ex used to communicate a lot more closely with each other directly after their split and would share a lot with each other especially about what they were doing with their DS. Over time that communication has naturally waned, and whilst they are still on very good terms, they have learned to trust each other and I know they "check" things with each other much, much less than before. Including stuff about partners and overnights - my DP didn't check with his ex before I started sleeping over, though she had been told about my existence. Everything turned out fine, and me and DP and her and her new DP all get along great and regularly get together for social events and stuff to do with the various children.

I know that no two situations are the same, and if you really think there could be an issue then you could say something. But really, really be careful whether you truly believe this is a line your ex has overstepped, or whether it's something you should maybe try to deal with on your own.

*I think (perhaps understandably) you're feeling a little jealous and pushed out because this signifies that your children have accepted her.

If I'm right and that's the case, I think you need to find a way to deal with that rather than focusing on whether he decided to tell you or not.*

Worra's right.

Also, you say you are not talking about giving him "permission" but then you wished you could have "discussed" it with him. I can see why he might not have wanted a discussion as it's fairly plain you would have not been entirely in favour.

You obviously didn't want your kids to stay there but haven't come up with a valid reason yet. They like the GF, they know her, she is not new to them, you say your ex is a wonderful father, so what ARE you worried about?

Because like Worra, I don't think it's the lack of being consulted here.

So let's look at some scenarios

If he had asked you if they could stay over what would you have done?
If you had said no you would look like you were being unreasonable and controlling and he would have had every right to ignore you which would have hurt you even more than you are hurt now.
If you had said yes, it would have obviously happened - presumably in the way that has, and things would have been no different for the DCs than it was anyway. The only gain would have been your knowledge.

If he had told you, things would have still happened as they did at best, the DCs would have still had the same experience, at worst you would have had a bitter argument about it.

So I genuinely do not understand where the DCs would have gained from you discussing it first (unless you had prevented it happening...and I don't actually think they would have gained from that).

Having said all that...where did you think they were staying? You say that they do not normally stay over with their dad, but you must have been aware that they were staying somewhere as you presumably weren't expecting them home.

If he decieved you over where they were staying, then maybe YANBU.

However! I am a worried mother. I cannot understand people criticising a mother trying to do the best by her children.

But these worries are based on nothing, absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry but sometimes, even when it comes to your children you just have to accept some things are beyond your control.

And "discussing" this would have achieved zip. Because you'd have had no reasonable,logical basis to objecting.

As I have now said a number of times! my worry is about the children being unsettled and subject to instability as they really haven't been together very long. They are only just getting used to us not being together. A discussion would have allowed us to consider this and whether or not it was the right time.

I actually was expecting them to come home tonight, as I said in a previous post he doesn't take them away overnight yet as he doesn't have his own home.

Re the kids being 'unsettled and subject to instability' as the haven't been together very long (though after 6 months I beg to differ)

If they're going to be unsettled and unstable, that will happen no matter where they sleep for tonight.

Having a sleep over which they are looking forward to, will probably serve to make them more settled and secure as they'll realise the woman isn't a 'threat' to the love their Dad has for them...he's willing to 'share' them by staying over all together at her flat IYSWIM?

After 6 months I think this is quite a reasonable and natural progression.

"If they're going to be unsettled and unstable, that will happen no matter where they sleep for tonight."

I'm talking about having their lives unsettled by the relationship not lasting not being unsettled because of where they sleep!!!!

Oh ok sorry

But again, there are no guarantees any relationship will last is there?

They've already met her anyway so that horse has bolted.