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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my Ex should have at least consulted me about kids staying over at his girlfriends?

118 replies

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 12:05

My ex and I split up last September and he has had a new girlfriend since January. The kids get on great with her, I have met her and she seems nice enough. however the kids have just told me on the phone that they are having a sleepover at her house tonight. This is the first I have heard about it. Am I overreacting and being precious or do you think it reasonable to be informed/consulted by my ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
LJ29 · 30/07/2012 22:36

Right i'm going to leave this discussion now.

For those who have been supportive or offered constructive advice I sincerely thank you for your time.

And for those who have only been able to manage judgment and criticism....enjoy polishing those halo's!!!!!

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 30/07/2012 22:36

As long as he's a good dad who put their needs first, they will be secure. A good, loving dad and mom are the most important stability you can give them. No matter how many partners go through their lives, as long as their dad is there for them, love them, care for them, and listen to them, they will be reasonably adjusted.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 30/07/2012 22:39

Therefore he has discussed it I assume? He hasnt just eloped with them.

I'm guessing that discussion didn't match your ideals, but at least you were told by him, before it happened and not by your DCs.

So it sounds as tho you were told of the decision which he was fully entitled to make. It is a sign that he is gaining his own independence as a parent. That is completely normal after a seperation. Your anxieties are completely normal. He is enititled and able to make his own decisions as a parent. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't make them wrong.

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2012 22:42

OP you really are taking a few things the wrong way.

No-one has been overly critical here but if all you want is agreement then I suppose you'll take it that way.

You said yourself he's a wonderful father and I trust him implicitly and then you went on to say that because they had a row 3 weeks ago and she declared herself single on Facebook, you think their relationship is not stable enough.

But think about this. Maybe their relationship would be more stable if this woman's partner didn't keep sleeping overnight in the same house as his ex wife when he wants to have the kids overnight?

Maybe by them all staying at her flat, it will strengthen them?

Because like it or not there are not many people who would be happy with that set up 10 months after their partner has split from the ex.

Original poster
LJ29 · 30/07/2012 22:42

Sorry had to jump back in!!!

HauntedLittleLunatic, no that was my point in my OP there was no discussion the decision was made by him, he didn't tell me the kids did.

OP posts:
Original poster
LJ29 · 30/07/2012 22:44

Its not our fault that we can't sell the house. We don't have that arrangement through choice. And we share custody 50/50 so its not reasonable to expect 3 of them to spend half of their week sleeping on an air bed. Plus she doesn't live anywhere near where they go to school.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/07/2012 22:54

That's fair enough but it's not unreasonable during the holidays for her to expect him to bring them to hers for a sleepover (if they're happy to do so) is it?

It's one thing sleeping at yours if he has to, but quite another if he doesn't.

eslteacher · 30/07/2012 22:55

Wait a minute OP, are you saying that in effect since you split up, the kids have continued to sleep in your house every night, because even though your ex has 50 50 custody, he doesn't actually have a place of his own for them to sleep? And so tonight this is actually the first night they will be away from you, and your ex let the children announce it to you on the day itself with no prior warning?

I'm getting confused, but if that's the case it foes put a different spin on things...

niceguy2 · 30/07/2012 23:07

Logically there's no reason to 'worry'

I cannot see how kids could be unsettled because they are staying at daddy's girlfriend's house for one night.

I've yet to hear of a single child confusing another woman for their mum.

Emotionally I can understand and if I am honest I think you need to just suck it up and move on. There will be plenty more battles to fight and the knack of successful single parenting is knowing which ones to fight.

This one isn't one of them.

Original poster
LJ29 · 30/07/2012 23:18

riverboat, with the exception of him taking them away for a few nights thats exactly what happened.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/07/2012 23:21

Coming back to this and reading all your posts LJ, I think I understand where you are coming from. I have been in a freakishly simelar situation with my ex, except now we are about 7 years on from where you are now. We still get on well, completely co parent and on the whole do a good job of it.

However I have learnt ALOT over the years of doing this. No matter how settled things are between you and your ex, or for how long those good phases go on for, there is always the potential for problems like this.

You need to be open with communication and when talking to him remember that you are in a new and different relationship to the one you were in before. It takes time to completely know where you stand in a co parent relationship.

Ultimately, you have to trust each other and respect each other, even when you disagree. It's not easy, but if you want the benefits of raising your children with the one other person in the world who loves them as much as you do, then you have to work through the pitfalls. Personally, I find that is easiest done by showing trust.

eslteacher · 30/07/2012 23:29

In that case OP, I do agree that it was inconsiderate of him to leave you to assume they were coming back to yours tonight as always, and not even bother to tell you himself that he was exercising his overnight rights for pretty much the first time.

I think that is a separate issue to the fact that the place they will be is his girlfriend's house, and your worries about her role in their lives though.

Original poster
LJ29 · 30/07/2012 23:30

Thank you OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos thats sound advice, and I appreciate you passing on the benefit of your experience.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 31/07/2012 01:47

op, i think he should have told or even asked you in advance - choosing where children sleep is a joint parental decision. i think he should have made sure you knew the full address, the sleeping arrangements (for example, if the children will be in a loft room. some people are ok with that, others consider it too much of a risk in case of fire) and who else will be in the house - does the girlfriend have relatives living with her? i know you've had four pages of opinion and i hadn't meant to post, but i wanted you to know that it would not have been ok with me if my child had stayed with the ex at a girlfriend's house without prior consultation!

HauntedLittleLunatic · 31/07/2012 02:07

I think everyone is mostly agreeing with the not being ok with it.

Everyone can see why she is upset.

But most of us are saying that she has no control over it. Her ex is within his rights to make decisions and assess the risks and scenario for himself, coming to his own decision on where his children sleep. There is no requirement nor reason that he has to inform the op of his plans whilst he is caring for his own children, and the op could do the same in a mirror situation.

Of course the op would like be involved, but there is no real reason she should.

It is a bit off that she was told by her dc's rather than her ex, and I don't really understand the logistics - they went out for the day this morning, presumably with no overnight stuff. Again I would be annoyed if they don't have pj's, toothbrush etc.

We are all trying to help op. We don't mean to criticise, just try to help you see that this is the start of independent parenting. The longer you hold onto your ideal of shared parenting decisions the harder it will be to gain the trust you need to co-parent successfully. Co-parenting is not about sharing all decisions. It is about having trust and respect in the independent decisions from both of you. Sure you will consult on some stuff, but you have to.let go of most and have faith in your ex's own parenting skillls.

mynewpassion · 31/07/2012 02:12

Haunted nicely put.

lilachair · 31/07/2012 02:21

I know how you feel op. My ex introduced his new GF after 3 weeks. He considerately told me he was going to do so, and I said I thought it was too soon. He ignored me, introduced her and her two children.
She seemed nice enough but her (poor)kids were a nightmare, and tantrummed/refused to sleep/ were generally very hard work, and my girls had to deal with that.

I got told on here I just had to let it happen, and I did. Because really we have no choice. They all got very close, and were calling each other 'sisters'. This weekend he tells me it's all over. As far as the kids know she is 'on holiday' with their 'sisters'. 3 months it lasted.

Guess we just get to pick up the pieces and make sure our kids have a stable safe mum they can trust. It's crap though and I'd like to give you an ummumsnetty hug x

YouOldSlag · 31/07/2012 07:22

lila- your ex sounds like a dick. However, your ex did that after 3 weeks, the OP's ex has been with his GF since January- that's SEVEN MONTHS. To me that sounds like it's serious.

thatisall · 31/07/2012 10:59

I dont think he has an obligation to tell you, but it might have been sensible and better for your dc if he had as they could have talked to you about and concerns, thoughts etc.

If this is the first time then its a big deal to a child, the more communication the better. Its not about asking for permission, its about communicating.

lilachair · 31/07/2012 13:31

YOS Yes, he is. Which is why he is ex Smile

I think the point I missed was that no matter what, it is still going to hurt the OP like hell, as another woman is in your kids life, and you feel like you have lost control. Which you have a tiny bit. And it sounds like the OPs ex did not prepare anyone terribly well for this meeting.

She does have to suck it up, but that doesn't mean she has to like it. It's all horrible Sad . All you can do is let your kids know they have your stability and love and support.

Good luck OP

Pandemoniaa · 31/07/2012 13:45

It would have been nice to have been told but ultimately, I rather suspect - from what you have written - that you would have taken this consultation as an opportunity to make rather a lot of the matter. If your ex is such a good father (and I don't doubt that he is) then you have to give him the benefit of knowing his own children and their likely reaction to sleeping over at his gf's place.

If this arrangement were taking place within a matter of weeks after your separation then I ould quite understand your reluctance but given the time that has elapsed, I think you need to accept that you cannot control your ex's decision and, as I said earlier, it sounds as if you would have put obstacles in the way if he had asked you.

YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 08:06

And it sounds like the OPs ex did not prepare anyone terribly well for this meeting. - sorry lila, where does it say he didn't prepare them for the meeting? Do you mean the sleepover?

Pandemonia- I agree with every word. The OP would have put obstacles in the way and it sounds to me like she wanted the opportunity to veto the plan, not the opportunity to listen to him consulting her about it.

Another point is that the ex is indeed an ex and therefore has the right to try and move on and meet other people. Having him stay over at his ex wife's all the time will hold him back from this and having a sleepover at the GF's might have been a solution to that. It's time to loosen the grip, bit by bit, painful as that may be.

Original poster
LJ29 · 01/08/2012 10:39

YOS, no one makes him stay over at our house, but he has no where else to have the children at the moment. As I've already said, he doesn't live with his girlfriend so staying at hers for 50% of the week isn't an option. I'm not exactly over the moon about it either, I can't move on, if I meet someone I can't have them round to the house because it is still the marital home and the children are always there. I'm would much rather he didn't have to come back all the time so I am more than happy to let go and loosen the grip in that sense!!!!

I had no intention of putting obstacles in the way, I genuinely wanted to discuss it, you don't know me so I guess you will either take me at my word or be judgmental!

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 10:51

You're right OP, I don't know you, I only have the information you have supplied us with. That information gives me the impression you would have voiced objections.

I know you are not making him stay at your house, but if he has nowhere else to stay over, then that doesn't leave him with many choices.

clam · 01/08/2012 10:57

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be pissed off too.