AIBU to think my Ex should have at least consulted me about kids staying over at his girlfriends?

[LJ29]

My ex and I split up last September and he has had a new girlfriend since January. The kids get on great with her, I have met her and she seems nice enough. however the kids have just told me on the phone that they are having a sleepover at her house tonight. This is the first I have heard about it. Am I overreacting and being precious or do you think it reasonable to be informed/consulted by my ex?

Totally agree that he doesn't have many choices but I felt like you were implying that is me who insists he comes to the house and it is very definitely not. I would much rather him not have to do that however the children do have to have an appropriate place to sleep and a stable and consistent routine so for the time being we have no option.

Thanks Clam.x

To be clear OP, if he had asked you, would you have said "yes fine, OK" or "No, it's too soon, I don't want you too, it's not good for the kids, please don't"

I can't help getting the feeling you wanted a vote, rather than a discussion.

LJ29, you are right to be upset by this. My STBexH left me in Sept for his OW and he is currently on a luxurious holiday in Turkey with my boys, his OW and her DS, and I completely hate it.

I don't have the amicable relationship with my ex that you have with yours, we don't really speak, just text and email apart from a few words at drop offs and pick ups. It tears my heart out that they now have this unsuitable (to put it politely, three times divorced, no problem having an affair with a married man) woman influencing their lives. He has now bought a house with her and my boys spend every other long weekend with them both.

I hate it, but I have no moral right to object. My boys need to have a relationship with their dad, whatever my feeling about him are, and unfortunately this includes the OW. So, for the good of my DC, I suck it up. I don't have to like it and MN is a good place to rant about it. Your ex is moving on and it's good that he wants to include his DC in his new life. I would be much worse for them if he didn't.

My feelings are that when they are with my ex, he's their dad and he makes the decisions on parenting them. They are with me for the majority of the time and I make most of the parenting decisions. We only really discuss major issues, like what school they'll go to or if one is quite ill, or where they'll be if one of us takes them abroad. Sleepovers or holidays in this country are none of his or my business.

I can see that with your more amicable relationship you have been used to discussing more than this, but as he gets more into this relationship and possibly they move in together, you are going to have to suck it up.

YOS, I'm not sure what you are basing your judgments on. I have said all along that I have concerns about it agreed, but I have also said that I wanted to discuss it, not answer a yes/no question. I actually would have said- "I'm not saying yes, I'm not saying no, can we talk about whether or not this is the right time for them."

I really am not the unreasonable hot headed control freak that people seem to believe!!!

EllenJane, so sorry you've had a rough time, sounds like a really difficult situation. But I do disagree on some points. Decisions that can affect their emotional wellbeing, should be taken together I think. It's not about the activity per se e.g. a sleepover or holiday, its the consequences/impact/timing of these events in relation to how well the children are able to cope with it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my own feelings, I think I have a good degree of emotional intelligence and am more than capable of dealing with my own insecurities.

In every post, you just sound like you hate the idea.

Concerned not hate. I have no issues with the GF, she's a nice lady. I wouldn't want them staying there permanently as they have to sleep on airbeds in the living room but. Its that I consider it to be quite soon, they have had some big bust ups, and am worried that having just got over me and their dad, they may be faced with another breakup. (I didn't mention earlier that when he walked out on her a few weeks ago it was because she was trying to convince him to spend less time with the children, but maybe now she is getting her head around having them in her life too?.) Really hope it doesn't happen, I want ex to be happy too.

I'm sorry but it just sounds like you would have tried to talk him out of it. When people are "concerned" about a proposal, it doesn't usually mean they are going to say yes.

This would explain why he didn't tell you beforehand.

"I'm not saying yes, I'm not saying no, can we talk about whether or not this is the right time for them."

What to kip on an airbed for the night?

Seriously, you're not just making a meal of this, you're turning it into a running buffet.

No-one can guarantee how long a relationship will last and that's something you'll have to come to terms with when you eventually meet someone too.

You've already said they like their Dad's girlfriend, so presumably they'd be upset if they split up anyway.

A sleepover will not change that.

Sorry, I haven't read all of the thread.

Would you consult your exp if you had a boyfriend (of 7 months) staying over?

I think both parents should have some idea where their children are sleeping. You don't switch off from being their mother just because they are with your ex. IMO you do have a right to know roughly where they are.

She knows where they are Never

I knew because the kids let slip, not because he had been decent enough to let me know. I'm not making a big deal of it, I haven't made a big deal of it with him, although I have pointed out that it would have been at least polite to tell me himself.

Yes I absolutely would ask/tell him if it was me wanting them to stay ovr at a new boyfriends. No place in the world for hypocrisy!

I agree it would have been polite of him to tell you himself but I still don't think any of the points you've made beyond that are valid.

Thats fair enough, you don't have to.

Of course you should have been told. I find so many posts on here so ridiculous! How would half of these people feel if it happened to them? Of course you should have been told.
Flame me!!!

Um, believe it or not cheese, the OP isn't the only separated/lone parent round these parts and I should imagine a goodly proportion of us have had it "happen" to us.

Personally, I have no problem with my ex's new partner or their relationship. She's very sweet. He's the cunt who needs stringing up......

And lots of us would be hurt. Hurt so much. (whether or not we are told I expect)

But lots of us recognise that the answer to the question 'should I have been consulted before' the answer is still no you shouldn't'.
Could have - yes.
Should have (morally) - arguably
Should have (legally) - no.

If the op had come here with a question phrased differently e.g. 'I'm hurting because by dcs are spending their first night at xh's New girlfriend' then I think you would have recieved more sympathy and empathy.

Having said that - I think you have recieved lots of sympathy and empathy for the emotional situation you find youself in. Please don't let the 'disagreement' over the replies to the original question overshadow that concern and support too much.