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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my Ex should have at least consulted me about kids staying over at his girlfriends?

118 replies

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 12:05

My ex and I split up last September and he has had a new girlfriend since January. The kids get on great with her, I have met her and she seems nice enough. however the kids have just told me on the phone that they are having a sleepover at her house tonight. This is the first I have heard about it. Am I overreacting and being precious or do you think it reasonable to be informed/consulted by my ex?

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 30/07/2012 14:17

"Whether or not he tells her when/where he is taking the kids, will have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the stability of the relationship."

The relationship between the children's parents will be more cordial and friendly if they are considerate of each other's feelings.

So it does have a bearing on the stability of a relationship of central importance to the children's lives.

The idea that co-parents have no reason to be nice to each other is pretty weird.

Greythorne · 30/07/2012 15:22

I think we are talking at cross purposes. I realise that the stability of his relationship is not dependent on his tellingnhis ex. The point is that he should think of his children first and not expose them to potentially temporary relationships, including sleep overs.

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 15:29

Thank you AThingInYourLife you absolutely summed it up. Its nothing to do with what we are and aren't allowed to do, he's a wonderful father and I trust him implicitly which is partly why I am so disappointed that he has disrespected my feelings by not having the decency to tell me it was happening. The children are very excited and ultimately if they are happy then I am happy but it doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about the effect of new relationships on them whether mine or his. Decisions that effect their stability are the responsibility of both of us and can't be taken unilaterally in my opinion.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 30/07/2012 15:31

I think he should have told you , yes.

So YANBU.

Sparks1 · 30/07/2012 15:39

I am so disappointed that he has disrespected my feelings by not having the decency to tell me it was happening. The children are very excited and ultimately if they are happy then I am happy but it doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about the effect of new relationships on them whether mine or his. Decisions that effect their stability are the responsibility of both of us and can't be taken unilaterally in my opinion.

He hasn't disrespected you though.
And the brutal truth is, it's none of your business. Sorry, but it's not, no matter how much you might like it to be.

sc13 · 30/07/2012 16:05

I have been in a similar situation last week. The girlfriend in question is also the person that x-H left me for. So I wasn't very pleased to find out, after it had already happened, that x-H had taken DS to stay at his girlfriend's sister for a couple of days (rather than to stay with his relatives, as he had told me).
I didn't say anything though because I don't think I have the right to tell x-H what to do on the days DS is with him, unless he takes him to a war zone.
I would also acknowledge, however, that it is entirely human to feel hurt by something like this - it's not unreasonable, and it's not 'big girl pants'. The OP's x-H has done nothing wrong per se, but he has been insensitive in not telling her personally and beforehand.

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 16:19

Sparks, its not just about the disrespect though (although I do disagree on that point!) it about considering together as parents, what is best for OUR children. Just because we have split up does not mean that either of us has the right to make decisions about our childrens lives without input from the other parent. We don't own our children, we are here to guide them and bring them up and we have an equal responsibility to ensure that we do what is best by them. So although I guess I was upset about my feelings being hurt I realise that I am deeply concerned about them becoming attached to a someone and then them disappearing if it doesn't work when they have only just got used to me and their dad splitting up. It just feels too much too soon. I do trust him to do the best by them but I'm an anxious mum, not a computer and can't just turn off my feelings.

OP posts:

Kayano · 30/07/2012 16:20

Yabu

FreudianSlipper · 30/07/2012 17:06

it is none of op's business who her ex partner is in a relationship with but it is very much her business who her children are in a relationship with

i would never tell the ex it was none of his business if ds was spending time with a partner of mine it is very different from spending time with friends it is foolish to think it isn't and that children do not understand there is a difference

YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 17:49

YABU.

He has been with the GF since January. It may honestly not have occurred to him to give you prior notice. Since you have met her, and they have been together for 7 months, and he did not leave you for her, perhaps he honestly can't see why he needs to consult with you.

It may have just been his turn to stay at hers, or a fun change of scene for the kids. They weren't in danger or neglected or unhappy.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 30/07/2012 17:53

Just because we have split up does not mean that either of us has the right to make decisions about our childrens lives without input from the other parent.

Actually I think that if you both have parental responsibility then (i think) you both have the right to make independent decisions without consultation with very few exceptions (living abroad is one of the few I can think of).

You certainly have no right to an influence on where your children sleep, who they socialise when they are in the care of their nrp.

I know you would like all.of the above but you have no legal entitlement to it.

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 18:00

Legal entitlement is not something I am talking about. Its about the seemingly decreasing level of common courtesy and decency in the world. I am the mother of his children and whilst I accept that I have no right to dictate what happens when they are with him I think its morally right for him to have discussed it with me first. I totally respect him as I father I would just like that same level of respect to be afforded to me in return. They are OUR children ALL of the time, not his when they are with him and mine when they are with me. He would have been furious if I'd have taken them to stay at a boyfriends house and not told him about it.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2012 18:06

This is really not a big deal it would seem to anyone other than you and I don't know why that is?

I would have thought the big deal would have been way back when he introduced the kids to her?

They've been a couple for 6 months now so I doubt he'd even consider it an issue for you as long as the kids are happy and looked after.

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 18:08

Maybe its an issue to me because they are my children and I'm the one feeling the upset and worry like only a parent can. He won't be at all worried because its very convenient for him.

OP posts:

HauntedLittleLunatic · 30/07/2012 18:11

But in that quote you say you don't have the right to make decisions seperately.

But legally you do. Morally you may feel that you want to make decisions together, but that is not the same as having the right to do so.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 30/07/2012 18:16

Try having to watch your children being taken to his OW for playdates.
The same OW that split you as a couple up.

And still having no legal right to stop it happening.

I understand you feel hurt. But I suspect that (subconsciously if nothing else) an element of this is the fact that this is a sign that your ex is moving on without you. And it hurts.

But in the scale of morals and decency this is still a drop in the ocean of what some single parents have to put up with from ex's that have no levels of respect or decency.

WorraLiberty · 30/07/2012 18:16

Yes but what you're upset about isn't the fact he didn't tell you they're staying at her house is it?

You've said Its a big thing when another woman/mother figure becomes part of your childrens' life. Its scary and creates a lot of anxiety

Not being informed/being informed by your ex that the kids are having a sleepover won't change how you feel surely?

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 18:19

Ok, I'll clarify, I mean right in the moral sense not legal right. I don't want to turn this into an argument based on the law because that is not the point of my post. My point is about, consideration, joint decision making, courtesy, and about doing what is right for our children and deciding what is right together. This isn't just a trip to the zoo or going to pizza hut. this about the closer invovlement of a new partner in our childrens lives and I don't think that the impact of that should be underestimated.

Am I wrong for wanting to be involved in decisions that affect my childrens lives? If more people were bothered we might not have so many problems in society!

OP posts:

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 18:22

HauntedLittleLunatic if you are referring to your own experiences then thats awful and I'm sorry you have been through that. But surely that goes to show that these things are important and just because other people have been through worse does not mean that I shouldn't be bothered about this or believe that its not important.

OP posts:

eslteacher · 30/07/2012 18:22

I can see why it's difficult for you and why you would have liked to be told. But I don't think that he was really BU to not tell you this specific piece of information as a) you have already met his girlfriend, b) you already feel satisfied that she has a good relationship with your DCs and c) they have been together since January and you must have been expecting this to happen at some point.

I do agree with you that you and your ex should be maintaining a cordial relationship and be respectful to each other. But I don't necessarily agree that by not telling you of this specific event, your ex has been discourteous. Maybe a tiny bit, depending on to what extent you do still consult with each other about everything to do with the children, but not a lot I don't think.

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 18:25

WorraLiberty what it would have changed is that we could have had a reasonable discussion about whether or not this is the right time/impact on the kids etc and I would have felt that we had explored the issue and any potential consequences, therefore I possibly would have been more confident that this isn't necessarily a bad thing. As it is, I don't believe that we as parents have done the best by our children.

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 30/07/2012 18:29

I don't think it is anything to do with you, and clearly neither does he.

I also didn't think it was anything to do with me when my ex started seeing his new partner - he told me about her before the kids met her, but that was enough - it is his life to life and as we have children together that involves them.
I did the same - I told ex about my new partner, although in my case after the kids had met him a couple of times, but it wouldn't cross my mind to discuss with ex new-p staying over, us staying there.
It also wouldn't cross my mind to do the same about a new female friend, etc.

ChasingSquirrels · 30/07/2012 18:30

ans in reality there is nothing to "consult" about - they are going to do it, he could have "informed" you, but "consult" you? I think not.

mynewpassion · 30/07/2012 18:33

That reasonable discussion should have happened before you met the gf. Now, its too late. You met her, liked her, and know that she spends time with your ex and kids.

You can't change your mind in midstream. YABVU.

Original poster

LJ29 · 30/07/2012 18:39

I am not changing my mind about her. This really is nothing to do with her as a person. I am merely asking for the common decency of being informed by him at the very least, a discussion would have been my preffered option though so that as loving parents we can consider the impact of them becoming more closely involved with her and her with them. I am proud that I love and respect my children enough to care about their lives, who they are involved with and the impact on them if this goes wrong. We have hurt them enough already by splitting up in the first place. I just don't want them to go through any more trauma when things so new. It was only 3 weeks ago that he turned up late at night because they had had a big row and she declared herself 'single' on facebook! I'm just not convinced its stable enough.

OP posts:

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