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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pay £2,000 not to stay with my ILs?

113 replies

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:19

My ILs live overseas, quite a long way from us. We are just about to have a new baby and DH would like to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks over Christmas. We usually spend Christmas with my family, so I am more than happy to spend this Christmas with his family.

However, we stayed with them once before and to say they didn't make us welcome is an understatement. The house was absolutely freezing cold and they refused to let us have the heating on. And everytime I went near the washing machine, the FIL would tell me I couldn't use it, I had to put our clothes in with theirs and just wait until they got washed. It was difficult, as things were taking 2-3 days to dry in that freezing cold house.

It is not so much about the heating and the washing machine, just that I really didn't feel we were welcome. They complained constantly about our DS, and the mess he was making, even though he was only 2 and I cleaned up any mess that was made immediately. They constantly criticised us for wasting money, drinking too early, drinking too much... it just went on and went. They just seemed to really begrudge us anything. And these are the kind of people you just can't reason with. God knows, we tried. They don't like me anyway, and have supported every effort the SIL has made to destroy our marriage (a thread on its own!)

It was the most miserable 2 weeks of my life and I don't care to repeat it.

We could stay in an Ibis, but it will cost us £2,000 over Christmas. DH said no way, we will have to stay with the ILs as we can't afford it. True, we can't, and I don't know how we will pay for it. I guess we could get a credit card, although I don't really want to get into debt so would rather try to save, if possible. We are quite broke at the moment, our baby is due in a few weeks and we still don't have basic equipment like a pram, so it's not like we are rolling in money.

I just can't bear the thought of staying there. I want to say to DH either we stay in a hotel, or me and the kids don't go. AIBU? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
KaFayOLay · 30/07/2012 09:21

I don't think YABU if you could afford to stay in the IBIS.
Can you not find any cheaper accommodation?

ella47 · 30/07/2012 09:22

I think YABVU to consider paying the £2000 when you can't afford it but YANBU to consider not going at all - sounds like there's masses of backstory about his family's attitude to your family and think you'd be well within your rights to refuse to go and just DH can if that suits you all. They sound horrendous!

squeakytoy · 30/07/2012 09:23

Can you not stay for a much shorter period... 2 weeks sounds excessively long.

Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:23

Thanks KaFayOLay. That was the cheapest I could find, but I'll keep looking. We can't afford it, really. I don't even know where the money for the flights is coming from. I just really support DH's desire to go home for Christmas and want to make it work, I just don't want to spend 2 weeks in that horrible, miserable, house.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:25

ella47 you are right, there is masses of back history.

squeakytoy, yeah, maybe we could. DH suggested 2 weeks but we should consider a shorter holiday. Would certainly be cheaper!

OP posts:
OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 30/07/2012 09:26

I think personally, I'd go for a shorter time, or refuse. It sounds horrendous. Christmas is meant to be a family time.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 30/07/2012 09:27

Is your DH insane? He really wants to repeat that experience but now with a young baby in tow too? He does realise that kids need to be warm and comfortable right? We took our DD (then about 6 months old) to a friends house (they never have the bloody heating on) and she turned blue after a bath! We never go there in winter anymore!

He's being ridiculous. If he wants to spend time with his parents, he needs to ensure that it will not be to the detriment of his young family. How did he feel about the constant whinging last time?

Oh BTW, if you have to wait 2-3 days for clothes to dry, let DH know that he can be responsible for ALL family laundry during the stay and ensuring that both of your kids have enough clothes for a 2 week stay (if he needs to pack less for himself to accomplish this, then tough sodding luck!).

CwtchesAndCuddles · 30/07/2012 09:27

If you can't afford it you would be mad to get into debt for it!!!

Could you go for a shorter time?

Why not get inlaws to visit you - your house your rules?

You said you would be more than happy to spend Christmas with the in laws thios year - it doesn't sound like it!

nkf · 30/07/2012 09:28

I would say don't use a credit card. Even if it was a dream holiday, I would suggest it's best not to use a credit card. Work out what you can afford and see if it can buy you something acceptable. And, yes, two weeks is far too long to stay with people who aren't hospitable.

ella47 · 30/07/2012 09:30

Would DH go on his own? Maybe a couple of days after Christmas for a week or so and would you be ok with that? Then the flights are cheaper (only one) and no accommodation costs if he's happy staying with them. If they really want to 'see' you and the kids you could Skype or spend a tiny bit of the savings on a few phone calls.

Dozer · 30/07/2012 09:30

Don't go! Your DH is being massively unreasonable to expect you to go there for 2 weeks when money is a concern and they behaved like that. Invite them for christmas, if they refuse then have it together and visit them for a short time sometime next year.

GoEasyPudding · 30/07/2012 09:30

A shorter visit is a good suggestion.
Also get your DH to speak to his parents. You need the heating on and you need to be able to use the washing machine when you want. I think folk forget how much washing is required when you have kids.
If they don't want to do these things or if your DH can't speak to them then you suggest you can't go.

squeakytoy · 30/07/2012 09:31

If you cant afford it, then you shouldnt go. It seems ridiculous to spend that sort of money when you havent got it and would end up in debt, or doing without just for the sake of making yourselves miserable for a fortnight.

Can they not come over to see you instead. It is much easier for two adults to travel than two adults with young children.

laracroft2001 · 30/07/2012 09:31

Could you perhaps do a couple of days with the ils and then a couple of days in the hotel?

Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:31

DH really wants to go home. By home, he means his country (we live in another country).

The thing is, although he agrees with me in principle, he finds it very hard to accept when his family are in the wrong. It has caused huge problems over the years. Like the FIL will say something really, really nasty and upsetting, and DH will just smile and say, "oh, that's just Dad".

OP posts:
ella47 · 30/07/2012 09:31

Or 'delay' Christmas - go early January and the flights/hotel should be much cheaper, and just have the holiday/celebration bit then?

ella47 · 30/07/2012 09:32

Sounds like there's other problems that need sorting out than where to stay?

firawla · 30/07/2012 09:34

What about dh just goes by himself, maybe not over christmas if christmas is a big deal for your family and you dont want to be left alone at that time - tell him why cant he go in january for a week or so by himself? tell inlaws its too difficult to travel over there with new baby and all?

TheHappyHissy · 30/07/2012 09:36

Let him go home for a week, you don't have to go. Why on earth would you and your DC go somewhere you are not wanted, and insulted.

You can't really afford it, you know they don't like you, you suffered last time, you WILL suffer more THIS time.

Foot down girly, MN Mantra "That doesn't work for me"

Grin

Or get them to come to you, book THEM into a B&B and be done with it. It's totally unreasonable to be travelling anywhere when the money is needed for the baby etc.

pictish · 30/07/2012 09:37

You have big problems because your dh is not relating to you, much less standing up for you!

Personally, I would not go. There is no way in Hell I'd get into debt £2000 to avoid staying with them...I'd just not go.

2 weeks is far too long to be beholden and a guest to people who do not like you and do not make you welcome....so say 'nope...not coming!'

I truly believe in making allowances in for in laws and doing ones best to rub along...even if that means having to stay with them and tolerate their awfulness...BUT not for a sodding fortnight. No way!!

Tell your dh no. He can go see his parents by himself.

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/07/2012 09:37

I sounds horrendous, does your DH agree that they were difficult? If so that is a starting point to discuss it. Could you compromise and go but for less time, or at a cheaper time although I realise this would mean not going at Christmas (it sounds like it would be awful, 3 days is the max I can take at my in laws and I not only like them but they are lovely with the kids).

I don't want to make it any worse but if they complained about a 2 yo what will they do about a newborn baby, noise, possible vomiting etc.

I don't think you should get yourself into debt though, with two children that would be millstone, concentrate on getting things for your new baby.

Paiviaso · 30/07/2012 09:40

You should not spend £2000 on this.

You should go for a week tops, shorter if possible, and stay in their house. I mean, you are going all that way to see them, correct? You would just be over at their house during the day anyway, even if you weren't sleeping there? Why waste £2000 when you are going to be subjected to their cold behaviour anyway?

To be honest I think you would not BU to refuse to go at all, considering that they don't like you, don't make you feel welcome, and the trip will be completely unenjoyable.

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/07/2012 09:42

Its Christmas, it should be an enjoyable family time, not an ordeal.

WillNeverGetALicence · 30/07/2012 09:42

Agree with Ella's idea - I'm sure there is a compromise here somewhere.

Either DH goes by himself and then you and the kids ring and skype over Christmas as ella suggested....

Or could you all go but stay with ILs a couple of nights and in a hotel or hostel the rest of the time? You could always use the excuse of the children's messiness or noise - "Oh ILs we don't want to inconvenience you, we know how troublesome you found DS last visit, we wouldn't dream of staying with you for longer than two nights [or whatever you can tolerate]"

Then hopefully everyone happy. If DH insistent that ILs must be stayed with for your entire holiday then tell him HE'S welcome to do this if he chooses but personally you cannot do it and it will spoil Christmas for you. You have thought of a compromise as above, can't be fairer than that.

And you will hopefully be spending less than £2000 [yes I agree with others, please do not get yourself into credit card debt over this]. Some hostels have family rooms and are cheap, clean and safe [with very adequate washing and drying facilities as well as central heating!] Would this be possible in the area where your ILs reside?

Surely your DH must realise what a chore it is staying at his parents and should ensure that his wife and children's physical and emotional wellbeing come first?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2012 09:47

Bottom line - you can't afford it. That is the line to take.

There is no way I would go and live with them for two weeks, and if that caused an argument between me and my DH then so be it. If he can't see how horrible it is to stay with them then he has a problem with his perceptions, and I would feel OK to just say no to him.

But, you say he wants to go home, to the country rather than to them. Could you scrape the money together to get him there, alone? Maybe not at Christmas, since that is an expensive time to fly (I'm presuming - don't know for sure). But hell would offers skiing trips before I'd go with him and subject my children to a freezing house in the depths of winter.

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