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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pay £2,000 not to stay with my ILs?

113 replies

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:19

My ILs live overseas, quite a long way from us. We are just about to have a new baby and DH would like to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks over Christmas. We usually spend Christmas with my family, so I am more than happy to spend this Christmas with his family.

However, we stayed with them once before and to say they didn't make us welcome is an understatement. The house was absolutely freezing cold and they refused to let us have the heating on. And everytime I went near the washing machine, the FIL would tell me I couldn't use it, I had to put our clothes in with theirs and just wait until they got washed. It was difficult, as things were taking 2-3 days to dry in that freezing cold house.

It is not so much about the heating and the washing machine, just that I really didn't feel we were welcome. They complained constantly about our DS, and the mess he was making, even though he was only 2 and I cleaned up any mess that was made immediately. They constantly criticised us for wasting money, drinking too early, drinking too much... it just went on and went. They just seemed to really begrudge us anything. And these are the kind of people you just can't reason with. God knows, we tried. They don't like me anyway, and have supported every effort the SIL has made to destroy our marriage (a thread on its own!)

It was the most miserable 2 weeks of my life and I don't care to repeat it.

We could stay in an Ibis, but it will cost us £2,000 over Christmas. DH said no way, we will have to stay with the ILs as we can't afford it. True, we can't, and I don't know how we will pay for it. I guess we could get a credit card, although I don't really want to get into debt so would rather try to save, if possible. We are quite broke at the moment, our baby is due in a few weeks and we still don't have basic equipment like a pram, so it's not like we are rolling in money.

I just can't bear the thought of staying there. I want to say to DH either we stay in a hotel, or me and the kids don't go. AIBU? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
honeytea · 31/07/2012 10:14

I really think that you could solve the issues if you are only going for 1 week, could you not pack enough clothes for you to have enough for a week so you don't need to do any washing? Also just take hot water bottles, is ir a very very cold country that you are going to? maybe even buy an electric blanket it would be cheaper than staying in a hotel.

It really would be silly to pay out loads of money when you don't even want to go.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2012 10:24

Taking enough clothes to not need to do washing is do-able for adults, but for a baby just a few months old? The problem is different; there will be vomit, urine, faeces, I would want these washed ASAP.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/07/2012 10:25

What does he say about the cost, OP?

And I'm sorry but he sounds like a hopeless child. Don't stress yourself making all the arrangements, when he comes up with terrible flights/accommodation say 'No' (he has said 'no' to you plenty of times, by the sound of it) and if he moans about not having been to his home country tell him that if he made reasonable arrangements you could all have gone, but he didn't so you didn't.

Please, treat him like an adult and stop running around after him.

Oh, and as for the island, will it really be full of honeymooning couples at Christmas time?

Noren · 31/07/2012 10:40

He needs to start putting his family first - that's YOU AND THE BABY not his mean parents. Don't go.

Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 31/07/2012 11:13

Tempting though it is to leave it to him to organise, I worry (with good reason) that it just wouldn't happen. My concern about this is that if we didn't go for Christmas, every time I mentioned a holiday or going to see my family, he would say "but I want to go home. I haven't been home for years". But then he'd never organise it, but instead use it as an obstacle.

We would never have another holiday ever again!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2012 11:21

OP, so when he says "I want to go home" tell him to organise it and go alone! And if he won't, point out that he obviously doesn't want to go THAT much!

You still cannot afford this trip.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/07/2012 11:25

Well then, your response is 'You can at any point take the opportunity to organise going to see your parents. It's not my fault or problem that you haven't done so, and it is not fair for you to do this and then try to use the fact that you haven't been to see your family as an argument for us not to go and see my family'

I really think the only way forward here is spelling everything out, clearly and simply.

sheeplikessleep · 31/07/2012 11:26

OP - you sounds totally level headed about such an awful situation.
I hope you find a resolution you're comfortable with.

Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 31/07/2012 11:29

You still cannot afford this trip.

We really can't, can we? Sad

Damn those horrid people Angry. Honestly, we've put them up enough times in our house and treated them like the king & queen. Even given up our bed for them. You'd think they could be good hosts for one week, wouldn't you?

I think I will leave it to DH. I'll tell him that he can organise it and see what happens. I will stick to my guns, though. Hotel, or we don't go.

Thanks for all your good advice. Apart from anything else, it has shown me that I am not just being an awkward bitch. I was worried that I was.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/07/2012 11:32

You are absolutely not being an awkward bitch. You're rightly concerned about the money, and your 'hosts' give every sign of not wanting you.

I'm really pleased that you realise that now.

I can't go without saying one more thing, though ? please don't get into tons of debt over this!

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2012 11:42

You're about as far from being an awkward bitch as it is possible to get!

  1. You're willing to do all the organising
  2. You've considered being in debt to achieve it (but have thankfully reconsidered)
  3. You've considered alternative accomodation to make it possible
  4. You are willing to go at all!

Definitely NOT an awkward bitch. Smile

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 31/07/2012 11:56

I would go for the holiday home - can you swing DH around to this? It seems U to object. It will tick all your boxes, provide neutral territory, you can heat it as much as you want and you'll be around IL's but not permanently WITH IL's.

elizaregina · 31/07/2012 12:04

AND if OP did start behaving like one which perhaps she needs too!! Who could blame her....

there is always an oak who wont bend and a willow that does. Sometimes the willow does snap and has enough.

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