to pay £2,000 not to stay with my ILs?

[dontwannastaywithmyinlaws]

My ILs live overseas, quite a long way from us. We are just about to have a new baby and DH would like to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks over Christmas. We usually spend Christmas with my family, so I am more than happy to spend this Christmas with his family.

However, we stayed with them once before and to say they didn't make us welcome is an understatement. The house was absolutely freezing cold and they refused to let us have the heating on. And everytime I went near the washing machine, the FIL would tell me I couldn't use it, I had to put our clothes in with theirs and just wait until they got washed. It was difficult, as things were taking 2-3 days to dry in that freezing cold house.

It is not so much about the heating and the washing machine, just that I really didn't feel we were welcome. They complained constantly about our DS, and the mess he was making, even though he was only 2 and I cleaned up any mess that was made immediately. They constantly criticised us for wasting money, drinking too early, drinking too much... it just went on and went. They just seemed to really begrudge us anything. And these are the kind of people you just can't reason with. God knows, we tried. They don't like me anyway, and have supported every effort the SIL has made to destroy our marriage (a thread on its own!)

It was the most miserable 2 weeks of my life and I don't care to repeat it.

We could stay in an Ibis, but it will cost us £2,000 over Christmas. DH said no way, we will have to stay with the ILs as we can't afford it. True, we can't, and I don't know how we will pay for it. I guess we could get a credit card, although I don't really want to get into debt so would rather try to save, if possible. We are quite broke at the moment, our baby is due in a few weeks and we still don't have basic equipment like a pram, so it's not like we are rolling in money.

I just can't bear the thought of staying there. I want to say to DH either we stay in a hotel, or me and the kids don't go. AIBU? Thanks for reading.

Is it a cultural thing the cold house and not using the washing machine?

No, they're just tight

OK he wants to go home but why at xmas when flights and accomodation and eveything is at A PREMIUM?

TBH for his sake - if it wasnt a case of the immense cost - what is one ruined xmas....if it was a one off inb the same country with perhaps a few hundred mile drive...

miserable yes - but do the DP's even want you to be there? Maybe they would prefer to have him by himself?

Why does it have to be xmas, if they have expressed a desire to see you all - why cant dh say - yes all is fine but i was wonderfing if you could put heating on?

or simpy say you cant affird to go at xmas...what about summer....then heating and washing problems will be eradicated and you can all get outside etc....

sadly alot of people are funny about entertaining! they are just not socially adept....

I don't think two weeks in an Ibis with young kids is going to be much fun either.

Can you find somewhere to self cater? I know its not such a rest for you (but you can always eat out) but if you need to be constantly tidying up at the pils then that,s no rest either!

Actually, the heating isn't the issue, I just used it as an example of how difficult they can be. You are right, elizaregina, if DH told them he was going with just the kids and not me, they would be really happy.

Then they could invite SIL and play happy families and pretend I don't exist

Yeah, but I do get DH's point of view that we have never spent Christmas in his country. I want to do this for him. However, I am not prepared to put myself and my kids through the hell of staying with his parents.""

I get it too - but beggars cant be choosers unfortunalty.

AND beggers with hosts like these can be even less chosier.

Dh has to realise this - and either manage his parent s- " would love to come - LOVE TOO but.....heating, welcoming, washing etc...

you either go in warmer weather or he puts parents in line a bit...

What an awkward situation

What country is it that the cheapest hetel you can find is £2000?
Can't you stay in a Hostel? I stayed in some really cheap ones in South America, India and Africa when my oldest child was a baby/toddler. It was cheap and actually really fun!

Otherwise, I guess I would put up with the ILs. I wouldn't spent £2000 and I see Christmas as being more about awkward family compromise than fun (but myabe that's just my family!)

Then they could invite SIL and play happy families and pretend I don't exist

Does DH realise they dont really want you there? what has he said to you? I dont get it!

Has he said anything to them about thier atttitude towards you?

I suppose he has been let off hook from dealing with them a bit by pure virtue of thier distance in another country....

I have a small reverse of this situ coming up - do i let DD go to PILS when I cant/dont go there when DD great grandma comes over from another country....

My heart says - YES she is an old lady - lives elsewhere - would LOVE to have DD alone with her DD ( my MIL) and DSIL ( i loathe) and her other GD.

My head says NO - she can see DD here with ME - I/my DH are DD family she can come here to see her....

I think I will probably go for DD go to PILs but for a few hours only....

The holiday home does sound a better idea, but you may have a problem convincing the ILs that they need to be spending out on a holiday in their own country at xmas.

But they don't listen, elizaregina. Not at all. We can't stay with them, nothing will change, I can guarantee that. We wanted to go and stay with them just before I got pg, and my DH asked directly about the heating - they absolutely point blank refused to budge. We didn't go.

That's what they are like. At least on 'neutral territory' we would have some independence...

It sounds like a good compromise OP. I have the drying washing problem when we visit ILs (we live abroad) as it is cold and damp where they live and there is no tumble dryer. Bless them they've put the heating on for me this week so I can get the washing dry. July in the UK you don't expect to have to do that.

I think your compromise is good but you do need to get the problem solved on a deeper level. I would involve your DH in finding the solution. So say, 'you're right that we can't afford the hotel. But your parents won't let us do washing which is vital when we have a small baby so staying there is also not going to work. So how do you think we can manage this visit?'

You could throw in the compromise solution as an option during the discussion but your DH shouldn't minimise what his father says. You should make him realise that those type of comments are the cause of why you're not spending more time in his home country.

Also in the future if his dad says something really nasty and your DH says 'that's just dad' don't accept it. Ask does he make those kinds of comments to him. Or how would he like it if your parents said it to him?

why cant DH go at another time of year though - why does it have to be xmas?

If my DH was serisouly contemplating spending 2 grand on accomodatin to please me in this situ, I would feel really sorry for him, and tbh not really want to put him through it - its almost in human to allow you to be treated like that with no heating and a small child.

Does he appreciate how nice and accomodating you are being at all?

In such awful circs - I dont see why he cant go at another time of year - with warm weather?

No matter how warm it is, there are times when you need a bit of heating, for instance when bathing a tiny baby. And you always need to do washing. I am not prepared to let our washing mount up until there is 'enough to go in the machine' with theirs. And having to endure constant criticism from them. At least when they stayed with us, they weren't nearly as bad. Probably because it was our house.

chased

"Or how would he like it if your parents said it to him" Indeed - and will ops DH be saying stuff in a similar vein to his own children, would it be good enough for OPs DC to be spoken to like that by op and DH?

Not good enough.

I know allpepole are strange and odd - and whats aceptable to one will not be to another - but OP is clearly not happy with the way she is treated so I just think DH is asking a little bit much to put her in this postion.

TBH, sholdnt he be the one coming up with the solutions for the problems his family have created- in that shouldnt HE be sweating over finding you alternative accom, thinking about going in warmer weather, thinking about how to pay for alternative accomd etc, seeing as its his problem and he wants to put you in the firing line for abuse for two whole weeks?

My DF has occasionally been rude to my DH and I have immediatly and staunchly defended my DH.

It has only happened about trivial small things a few times over many years - but I simply would not put my DH through the likes of what some of us have to go through with bloody PILS!

Its not good enough.

I think your being quite saintly about this op - I hope your DH appreciates it!

I would send my DH with the older child & stay home with the baby.
Tell the truth we have done a variant on that (DH with just some of DC) with his inlaws who live in UK, for last 4 yrs.
When we go visit my family we only stay short spells with them, and my dad will pay for us to stay in a holiday home nearby, otherwise.
We are simply "too much" for the grandies.

OP, I take your point about DH wanting to go for Christmas. It is such a loaded time of year, isn't it? And of course airlines/people with holiday homes etc take advantage and bump up prices ...

Serious question; if your DH did take the kids but you didn't go, and they played happy families etc, what would you do for Christmas instead and how would you feel?

Or, if you gave DH the ultimatum that his parents adjust their attitude or NONE of you go to visit, how would he respond?

I really do feel for you. What a sad situation.

1 week MAX

breathe, think of Syria and Somalia

this is ridiculous. no-one should expect you to stay under those conditions. find somewhere reasonable to stay or stay at home.

Just don't go.

I refuse point blank to go and spend Christmas with my inlaws, and they're only about 400 miles away.

Can they come to you?

Just wanted to add that my mum was an immigrant to the UK and, although she went home on holiday every other year, she never again spent Christmas with her family. (And she was very close to them!) So it is not as if it is compulsory for your DH to do so.

In the holiday home would heating etc be included in the price? Who would pay for the home, food etc?

People can be weird re self catering (numerous threads on here!). The in laws could find numerous things to fuss about, and you would only be "in charge" if paying for everything!

DH said no to the holiday home on the little island . He said it was not an appropriate place to take your parents, as it is full of honeymooning couples. But he agreed that we can't stay with the ILs.

So we are probably going to end up at some grotty little B&B for Christmas whilst his parents live in a beautiful big house down the road with loads of room and a lovely garden that the kids could have run around in.

Mad, eh?