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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pay £2,000 not to stay with my ILs?

113 replies

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:19

My ILs live overseas, quite a long way from us. We are just about to have a new baby and DH would like to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks over Christmas. We usually spend Christmas with my family, so I am more than happy to spend this Christmas with his family.

However, we stayed with them once before and to say they didn't make us welcome is an understatement. The house was absolutely freezing cold and they refused to let us have the heating on. And everytime I went near the washing machine, the FIL would tell me I couldn't use it, I had to put our clothes in with theirs and just wait until they got washed. It was difficult, as things were taking 2-3 days to dry in that freezing cold house.

It is not so much about the heating and the washing machine, just that I really didn't feel we were welcome. They complained constantly about our DS, and the mess he was making, even though he was only 2 and I cleaned up any mess that was made immediately. They constantly criticised us for wasting money, drinking too early, drinking too much... it just went on and went. They just seemed to really begrudge us anything. And these are the kind of people you just can't reason with. God knows, we tried. They don't like me anyway, and have supported every effort the SIL has made to destroy our marriage (a thread on its own!)

It was the most miserable 2 weeks of my life and I don't care to repeat it.

We could stay in an Ibis, but it will cost us £2,000 over Christmas. DH said no way, we will have to stay with the ILs as we can't afford it. True, we can't, and I don't know how we will pay for it. I guess we could get a credit card, although I don't really want to get into debt so would rather try to save, if possible. We are quite broke at the moment, our baby is due in a few weeks and we still don't have basic equipment like a pram, so it's not like we are rolling in money.

I just can't bear the thought of staying there. I want to say to DH either we stay in a hotel, or me and the kids don't go. AIBU? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 30/07/2012 18:50

Tricky. Perhaps you could compromise and go once more, but having had the Christmas from Hell, use this as grounds for never staying with them again. Difficult when other half won't stand up to his parents, but try not to force a choice between you and them. Letting him go on his own sets an unhealthy precedent and you definitely don't want to be in debt as well as enduring a ghastly trip. Can't you just get out of it by doing the sums and showing him that you can't afford it? If they are that desperate to see you perhaps they can make a contribution to the fares?! Tough in your other half if he can't go home this year, but he has other responsibilities now.

Bobyan · 30/07/2012 18:51

Your Ils aren't the problem your DH is.

CaliforniaLeaving · 30/07/2012 18:51

Anyone else busting to know what country the in laws live in?
I wouldn't go stay with them either. Glad your Dh has realized they are inappropriate to stay with. Fingers crossed you find a nice B&B with friendly owners.

TidyDancer · 30/07/2012 19:02

Oh Lord, I remember you OP. I also remember hoping this would work itself out for you. You poor thing. :(

I think this was suggested on the original thread, but how about offering them some money for heating while you're there? You absolutely can't go to a freezing house with a small child and a baby, so that would be a decent compromise.

I think you need to make a point with this. Either something is done about the heating or you don't go full stop. You can't have this argument every time the possibility of visits comes up.

TidyDancer · 30/07/2012 19:03

You shouldn't have to be out of pocket because of fucking heating FFS! I just don't think the B&B or holiday home should even have to be an option.

TheHappyHissy · 30/07/2012 19:05

Id rather be welcome in a b & b, than unwelcome in a mansion.

If IL say anything, play the martyr card and say, "well we know how much of a strain it was to have us here the last time, at least we can come and go as we please, its warm welcoming and they can't do enough for us, its the perfect solution for everyone. We hate to be a burden...."

mrsmillsfanclub · 30/07/2012 19:23

Have been in an identical situation to yours for almost 2 decades. I made the suggestion of staying in a hotel/b&b many times, but dh and in-laws always thought that was very disrespectful. I have now come to the conclusion that it is a cultural difference rather than them being awful (which it often did feel like, especially when dc was small) Now she is a teenager my trips to the inlaws are far easier. They truly believed children should be seen but not heard, and mine was a little firecracker until the age of about 10!

Stay no longer than a week. Take enough clothes that you don't need to use the machine and pack a few thermals. I insist we hire a small car so that I can escape for a few hours everyday of the visit. This suits everyone as we are not all under each others feet but I'm still staying in their home. It's not easy, but I think a compromise is sometimes necessary, especially when dh lives in another country away from his family so that he can be with me.

fluffyraggies · 30/07/2012 19:49

Y'know what OP - i've had a change of heart. Bugger paying out for accommodation.

They SHOULD put the heating on for you. And you SHOULDN'T be made to feel uncomfortable in their home.

Don't go.

Have you told your DH all the reasons you didn't feel comfortable last time?

If he's that mad keen to have you and he play happy families at xmas over there with them then he needs to sort them out.

skateboarder · 30/07/2012 20:10

Has your dh suggested how this trip will be funded?
I would find it difficult to commit to such a long visit.

Meglet · 30/07/2012 20:14

I'm in the 'don't go at all' camp, they sound miserable to stay with. But I'm an anti-social bugger who prefers her home comforts.

Stay at home, have a relaxing Xmas in your house.

msrisotto · 30/07/2012 20:27

Sometimes PIL are a pain in the arse BUT the problem is more about your DH, it seems to me. Where are his solutions? What is he doing about this? They are being unreasonable but it isn't fair for it to be all on you! You have a partner, he should be supporting you. Not steamrollering over your feelings.

elizaregina · 30/07/2012 21:58

TBH its one token xmas, you prob wont have to go again for years (????) so a crummy b and b is better than a cold unwelcoming house BUT your DH seems so unfair....you are compromising here and being nice but it doesnt seem like he is keen to meet you anywhere in the middle etc....

Inertia · 30/07/2012 23:54

Why the actual fuck are you seriously considering dragging a new baby and a small child, in the middle of winter , to a house where only your DH is welcome, where you have already been point blank told that your children's basic needs in terms of heating and being able to wash clothes will be denied, and you are going to get into debt for this ?

So he hasn't had Christmas in his country for years ? And he thinks the time to go is when he can take a newborn along to run the risk of hypothermia?

You need to stop seeing your husband's point of view, given that he gives you no support with this, and start considering the point of view of your children.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 30/07/2012 23:56

Yep, after learning that your DP won't agree to the holiday home I'm just going to say ? you need to tell him, sparing no details or feelings, why you can't/won't go (financial reasons as well as the heating/hospitality stuff), and HE needs to suggest some solutions, financial or otherwise.

You can't work this all out on your own and you shouldn't have to.

Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 31/07/2012 04:38

Thanks so much for all your replies. I think we should go, DH is right in that he hasn't been home for years, I understand that. But... It needs to be on my terms:

  1. We stay in a reasonably nice-ish hotel. Not with his parents.
  2. We go for only a week (including Christmas Day) and pack as much in as we can.
  3. We consider whether we can go to the little island, just us & the kids, for a couple of days afterwards.
  4. We go home to see my family in March, when it is warmer and we have saved up a bit.

I think this is a great compromise, don't you?

OP posts:
Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 31/07/2012 04:42

By the way, the reason why I am doing all the arranging is because DH is incapable of organising anything. He procrastinates, says "let's see" and "'let's give it some thought" a lot, but never actually does anything. He would never bring up the subject himself and when I do, he tries to delay it by putting up obstacles.

If I left it to him, we wouldn't go at all, but he would spend the next 20 years moaning that he hadn't been home.

OP posts:
DinosaursHateUnderpants · 31/07/2012 04:53

He can't be incapable if he's an adult! If he really wants to go that much then he arranges it, taking into account your practicalities and budget. If it doesn't happen then he has only himself to blame. Let him arrange Christmas 2012.

I think you are taking on way too much responsibility and ownership for this - you are already feeling guilty!

LurkeyLurkerson · 31/07/2012 05:07

"If I left it to him, we wouldn't go at all, but he would spend the next 20 years moaning that he hadn't been home."

I'm at a loss as to why? Why not just leave it to him? He's an adult isn't he? They're his parents aren't they? If you know he's not going to get his arse into gear then that's a good thing really for you? You don't stress about it, you don't have to go, and when he dares complain he hasn't been home tell him he's a grown up if he wants to go home then get himself organised.

Unless you just like being a matyr.

Original poster
dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 31/07/2012 06:10

Oh goodness no, I don't like being a martyr! I just know what will happen. If I left it to him, he would procrastinate and procrastinate until the last minute then find some cheap flights with 4 stops on the way, there would be no vacancies at any hotels so we would have to stay with his parents, he would have organised no activities so we would spend all our time sitting in his parents living room, doing nothing ... I love him, but I know what he's like.

I have to take charge. And I am not usually a bossy boots. Only when it comes to things like this.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 31/07/2012 08:01

Crikey OP he sounds like my ex.

For years i did precisely what you have just described - compensating for his lack of ... whatever the word is! lol ... ability to get off his arse and DO something. After allot of years of it i left.

Anyway - i would def lay down the rules regarding your points 1, 2 + 4. And make it clear your NOT going unless these are met.

Then leave it. Don't organise it. Let him do it. And if he doesnt, and you miss xmas - you can all maybe go in the spring next year when its cheaper, warmer, and the baby will be older. Again with points 1, 2 + 4 met.

Inertia · 31/07/2012 08:33

Well, if he won't arrange it then you have the perfect get out clause. If he tries to come up with unsuitable arrangements then you can say no, that doesn't work.

I really don't understand why you are putting yourself through this - inlaws clearly don't want you there, H has made some half arsed comments about it but made no plans, and you don't have the money. Are you just doing all this to prove a point to your H about how much you all suffer there ?

Tbh I think your plan will please nobody and your DH will say it doesn't count as Christmas at his parents, so you're still getting the moaning but now 2 grand in debt.

nkf · 31/07/2012 08:51

You can't afford it though. That's the main reason not to go.

Dozer · 31/07/2012 08:58

If you can't afford it and are putting it on a credit card, you won't be able to save up to visit your family as soon as March. A better solution would be to save for trip(s) next spring or summer, when at least it should be warm enough without heating! Or for DH to visit them alone when the money has been saved.

Why are you so reluctant to stand up to your DH? So what if he moans? He is not unreasonable to want to see his parents, but is being selfish to put a desire to "be home for christmas" above his family's wellbeing (physical, emotional, financial).

You say you don't like being a martyr, but sounds like you are a bit, by going along with him.

Dozer · 31/07/2012 08:59

Btw, DH's reasoning about the island being full of honeymooners is drivel, that wouldn't matter, he is probably just worried about his parents' likely reaction to the suggestion.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2012 09:42

"1. We stay in a reasonably nice-ish hotel. Not with his parents. ... 3. We consider whether we can go to the little island, just us & the kids, for a couple of days afterwards. ... I think this is a great compromise, don't you?"
It would be, IF YOU COULD AFFORD IT. Remember, you started this thread pondering £2,000 to stay at an Ibis for two weeks. Now you're talking about a nice-ish hotel and the island. How much are we talking here? At least what the Ibis would have cost, I'd reckon.

You've said you are broke. You still have the pram etc. to buy for your baby. You are talking about getting into DEBT for this visit. A visit you don't really want to make, and your husband won't organise himself, even though he is the only one who wants to go.

Take the hint. Fate does not want you to go.

You should only ever take on debt for big things that can be sold again in a pinch, e.g. house, car. Everything else you fund from savings.

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