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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to pay £2,000 not to stay with my ILs?

113 replies

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 09:19

My ILs live overseas, quite a long way from us. We are just about to have a new baby and DH would like to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks over Christmas. We usually spend Christmas with my family, so I am more than happy to spend this Christmas with his family.

However, we stayed with them once before and to say they didn't make us welcome is an understatement. The house was absolutely freezing cold and they refused to let us have the heating on. And everytime I went near the washing machine, the FIL would tell me I couldn't use it, I had to put our clothes in with theirs and just wait until they got washed. It was difficult, as things were taking 2-3 days to dry in that freezing cold house.

It is not so much about the heating and the washing machine, just that I really didn't feel we were welcome. They complained constantly about our DS, and the mess he was making, even though he was only 2 and I cleaned up any mess that was made immediately. They constantly criticised us for wasting money, drinking too early, drinking too much... it just went on and went. They just seemed to really begrudge us anything. And these are the kind of people you just can't reason with. God knows, we tried. They don't like me anyway, and have supported every effort the SIL has made to destroy our marriage (a thread on its own!)

It was the most miserable 2 weeks of my life and I don't care to repeat it.

We could stay in an Ibis, but it will cost us £2,000 over Christmas. DH said no way, we will have to stay with the ILs as we can't afford it. True, we can't, and I don't know how we will pay for it. I guess we could get a credit card, although I don't really want to get into debt so would rather try to save, if possible. We are quite broke at the moment, our baby is due in a few weeks and we still don't have basic equipment like a pram, so it's not like we are rolling in money.

I just can't bear the thought of staying there. I want to say to DH either we stay in a hotel, or me and the kids don't go. AIBU? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

leelteloo · 30/07/2012 09:48

I would refuse to go, to be honest. You will have a young baby and need access to warmth and washing at all times. You can't afford the hotel and I would not get in credit card debt ever. Offer to have them come and visit you; you are the ones with the young children, which makes travelling much harder than it is for the PIL.
It's sad for your dp but such is life.

Viewofthehills · 30/07/2012 09:49

How long is the flight? Is it a 'cold' country or could you go at a warmer time of year?
5-7 days is enough to stay with family to me and that's even though I like them!
I don't think you should stay in a freezing house with a little baby like that. I would also avoid Christmas if you enjoy celebrating it, because you might feel they've taken away what should be a special time with your 2 DC's.

glastocat · 30/07/2012 09:54

Two weeks is far too long! I love my own mother dearly, but four days is as long as we can do in the same house before things start getting sketchy, and that is in a warm house with lots of food and we are hugely welcome. So, as others have said, say you can only afford a few days.

choceyes · 30/07/2012 10:04

Sounds horrendous. I wouldn't stand for it myself, and certianly not get in to debt for it, that it ludicrious! Just say the house it too cold for a small baby and you need to be able to get your clothes dry as quickly as possible when you have 2 DCs. Your DH has to stand by you though. Mine would not tolerate this at all.
Last year when we went down to my in-laws it wasn't very nice (nothing on the scale of yours), basically MIL was in a bad mood and stayed in bed most of the time we were there and made odd underhand comments about me. DH is saying we are not going there this christmas. He is totally on my side.

Chrysanthemum5 · 30/07/2012 10:05

I understand your DH wants to go home, and he's bound to try to see the good in his family. However, you need to think about the welfare of your DCs, and if the house is really so cold then it's not a good environment for a young baby.

I think if you push your DH to stand up to his parents, or to accept that they are not nice people (and obviously we've only heard your side, but they sound pretty unfriendly) then that will be very hard for him and you. If you present it as the trip is not in the best interests of your DCs then that may be an easier thing for him to accept.

Also, it sounds as if money is an issue for you so can you really afford flights for all of you to go over?

I do normally support grandparents, and I assume they will be keen to see their DGCs, but in this case I wouldn't go.

LurkeyLurkerson · 30/07/2012 10:14

Maybe you could

Go for a much shorter time
I PIL/DH questions this say (truthfully) it's all you can afford. Plus say to them they quite obviously found DC1 hard work last time and you don't want to overstay. Emphasise that last point. You can say it with a nice tone of voice but still get your point accross.
Give them £20 (or equivelent currency) to cover heating/washing costs. If they try and stop you from putting the washing on just say 'Oh it's ok, I've put some money on the kitchen table for you, we know you can't afford it but we really need to wash these dirty baby clothes / keep the baby warm etc etc'

I'm all for a passive aggressive dig, me

Whatdoiknowanyway · 30/07/2012 10:27

My in laws are lovely and also in another country(albeit still part of United Kingdom). Even so, as soon as our first child was born we always booked separate accommodation when we went to see them. Could you get an apartment or a house? Might be a lot cheaper than a hotel and less stressful too given you have a young baby.
Because we had our independence we were able to visit every year without relationships becoming strained.

fluffyraggies · 30/07/2012 10:47

I remember you OP! You posted before about this coming up. Poor thing.

Loads of great thoughts been given already. Sorry if this has already been suggested (I've scan read thread)

but what about you and your ILS booking a small holiday home to share for the 2 weeks?

Cheaper, as you would be sharing the cost with your ILS. You would have your say over the temperature and the facilities. Still in your DHs country of birth.

You'd have to think of a good reason to give them, but we could help you with that ........... :)

eurochick · 30/07/2012 10:56

Don't get yourself into debt for this. As others have suggested, find a compromise.

E.g. Your husband goes for two weeks, you and the kids go over for 2 or 3 days; or you all go for a shorter period.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2012 11:07

I do not understand any 'D' Hs being this unsupportive of their wives and families.

Irrelevant of anything else, if they are that horrible to you, you shouldn't be expected to see them.

He can find some time to go on his own.

Original poster

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 11:13

Yes, that was me, fluffyraggies, and you've given me an absolutely brilliant idea! You suggested a holiday home. The ILs live close to a beautiful little island. I had a quick look, and we could rent a 2 bedroom holiday home for a quarter of what we would spend in the local Ibis where they live. We could all go - ILs included - and spend Christmas there! Sure, we would have to fork out for flights, but it would be so much cheaper than staying in a hotel. And we could just go for like 5 days or so. Then we could spend a couple of days in DH's hometown and then come home, or leave DH there if he wants to stay longer.

The point is, it would not be their house, so we could do as we pleased! I could have the heating on in our room, use the washing machine...

What does everyone think? Is this a good compromise?

OP posts:

OhTheConfusion · 30/07/2012 11:16

Poor Op :(

Every one know's you can't have a cold child so the heating would be a deal braker for me. Is the country your husband is from a 'cold' country or is it just due to the time of the visit? If so you could offer to visit at easter or May etc.

Also if the flights alone are going to be a financial strain it would give you time to save... new babies are expensive at the best of times as is christmas when you have other children.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 30/07/2012 11:18

OP, I think the holiday home idea, if you can afford it, is an excellent one. Neutral territory is always good.

But it sounds as though you need to get to the bottom of the ILs' attitude to you, your family and your needs. Not to mention your DH's failure to properly support you about this. 'Oh, that's just Dad' isn't good enough.

But I hope it works out and you have a lovely Christmas!

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2012 11:19

It's certainly the most tactful compromise, OP, but it still costs you money that you don't have. Only you know if it is worth taking on debt for this.

Also, beware that they do not offer to pay for the holiday home and your husband accepts, because then they would be 'in charge' and you'd be freezing again. (And you still have the background issue of your husband prioritising his parents over you and your DC.)

OhTheConfusion · 30/07/2012 11:19

Excellent compromise!

CecilyP · 30/07/2012 11:23

There can be few things worse than being cooped up in a house where you are not really welcome with a baby and a small child. And at that time of the year it will be so much harder to get out and about. In away, being stuck in a hotel wouldn't be all that great either. Could you postpone your visit until later in the year, so it would at least be warmer and you won't have to spend all your time under your inlaws feet. Flights will also be cheaper and you will at least have a chance to go out with your DCs. There might even be a chance to get your washing dry!

Original poster

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 11:23

Yeah, it's not really about the heating, it's just about the fact that they are so bloody rude and unwelcoming. They have stayed with us loads of times, and we have made sure that they have everything they need, that they are happy, we provide good food, wine, entertainment... a stark contrast to when we stayed with them. We have only stayed with them once, it was years ago, and I have moaning about it on here ever since

I am going to suggest to DH that we spend 2 days in a hotel in his hometown, 5 days on the little island with the ILs, then me and the kids leave and he can go and stay with his parents.

Does that sound do-able? If I can work out how to pay for it?

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 30/07/2012 11:26

If you're really struggling to pay even for the holiday home, then I think you should go a bit before or after Christmas when both the house and the flights will presumably be cheaper.

Original poster

dontwannastaywithmyinlaws · 30/07/2012 11:33

Yeah, but I do get DH's point of view that we have never spent Christmas in his country. I want to do this for him. However, I am not prepared to put myself and my kids through the hell of staying with his parents.

OP posts:

CotedePentathlon · 30/07/2012 11:37

dontwanna I've sent you a PM which might be useful.

HeathRobinson · 30/07/2012 11:43

'I do get DH's point of view'

It doesn't sound like he gets yours!

samandi · 30/07/2012 11:46

Personally I wouldn't go, but if you really feel you should perhaps look out for some self catering accomodation that may be cheaper.

honeytea · 30/07/2012 11:47

What horrid inlaws! Is it a cultural thing the cold house and not using the washing machine? My DP is horified when we go to the UK that the houses are not at least 20 degrees in the winter. We live in Sweden and the houses are hot in the winter. He gets up in the middle of the night and puts on the heating.

The plan with the holiday house sounds nice but I would still be worried about money.

Could you sell the idea to your OH of going to his home country for christmas once the children are both/all (?) old enough to remember it? The newborn wont have any memories of this christmas and that would be a shame. That would give you time to save money for the holiday home or even if the kids are older it wouldnt be so bad staying with the inlaws?

Do the inlaws feel angry that your DP lives in your country? I know my family/friends like my DP but they feel that he has stolen me away to Sweden and it's his fault that I don't live near them.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/07/2012 11:49

Don't go! - holidays and Christmas are supposed to be nice things. I can't imagine wasting a whole load of money on flights and having a shit,cold time - how crap.

fluffyraggies · 30/07/2012 11:51

OP i'm picturing your ILs living in one of those very pretty but potentially freezing shallet (sp?) style homes in the Austrian mountains. A fabulous Christmas destination, but would need allot of heating/log fires.

The little place on the island sounds lovely - and the location would be the excuse perhaps? The novelty factor.

Totally agree with ensuring to pay your half, for the reasons mentioned above.

It's hard dealing with issues with partners parents. The way we feel about our parents is sometimes very complicated. We can know damn well they are in the wrong but find it hard to agree with critisism of them. I say don't make a mountain of this. If the rest of your marriage and your DHs attitude towards you is good them cut him some slack on this one.

I know this wont be popular with MN.

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