to think teaching a child they are entitled to defend themselves isn't horrendous?

[lastnerve]

I know things have changed since we were children.
But surely if adults have the legal right to defend themselves shouldn't children??.

And I'm talking about defense here not condoning violence

I know I'm awaiting a flaming. hides

has somebody told you that it is horrendous then?

You need to provide some context, but in theory, YANBU.

Everyone is talking in riddles tonight.

Dont hit first, hit hardest is what I always taught mine. It served them well

I will take the flaming with you...

DD seems to be a target already at 3.5 and we are trying to tell her that if someone hits her she can do the same back. But never first.

She has done it once when a boy pushed her off a chair and I have to admit I was proud.

Aside from that shes not violent. Shes got a temper but is the sweetest thing really.

It makes a difference if we are talking about children who are the same age and size.

Never throw the first punch - but make sure you throw the last.

Do you teach them not to hit first but hitting back is ok?

And does that rule apply to if they hit you?

Or is it selective?

Basically, never hit first, always hit back? We were taught that and I fully agree with it. I don't agree with "Little Johnny can hit his mummy because she is bigger and she shouldn't hit back". If Little Johnny hits mummy, mummy should thump him back. And if someone at school hits Little Johnny first, Little Johnny should thump him back. Little Johnny should never hit first though.

When my son was being bullied, my husband taught him when and how to punch someone right in the nose.......he still wouldn't do it though as it isn't in his nature. imo you can teach them that they have the right till you are blue in the face....doesn't mean to say they will act upon it.

I have been on the other side of the fence, my toddlers rampage of thuggery seemed to end when he got as good as he gave.

Just I remember when I was growing up the whole 'hit them back harder' was staple parenting and now its really frowned upon.

(I'm in my 20's btw so not that old).

'we are trying to tell her that if someone hits her she can do the same back.'

wow - what a great life lesson!

Adults have the legal right to self defence if in a life threatening situation. That's not the same as being shoved in a squabble over duplo or who has which scooter. Of course you shouldn't be teaching your child to hit back. That's a horrible way to parent.

My son is six and from the word go never ever complains if he's hit. He's a strong lad and I've watched it happen umpteen times. He gets hit and barely flinches, he hits back and a wailing child lets rip, ds looks like the bad one.

So we have to teach him to complain if he gets hit as inevitably he ends up the one in trouble.

I do worry about dd starting school and we've already had a little chat about defending yourself if a situation arises. I've told her she can hit back if someone hits her first. Maybe not the best piece of parenting, but I had a bad time at school with bullying and I don't want the same thing to happen to dd.

I'm confused again. Clearly it's that time of night.

Who is telling/teaching their children "ok, kiddiwinks, it's super cool to be a punch bag"' ?

Being taught to stand up for yourself Is a good thing imo-agree with don't hit first but do defend yourself.

my son has always been tall for his age and so we were always really strong on the "not hitting" even if the other child started it......then he was bullied and so we tried to teach him that it was okay to hit them really hard back to put a stop to it....but we had done too good a job on him so he never would do it and it then just escalates as they are seen as a soft touch and are a target.

So you would be happy if your child got hit and just stood there and took it Northern?

Just thinking about this, I teach my dc the same, that they can't hit first but they can defend themselves, as long as the other child isnt significantly smaller. But at school they are probably told they still can't hottie back even if they are hit first. I know I would say that to dc at my school. It's got to be very confusing for them.

...we also said to the school that if my son did get caught hitting back the bullies we would not discipline him for it and would fight any discipline they gave him too.

amck5700 my mum had the same issue with me , she was determined not to make me a target for nasty little bullies.

YANBU

There is a particular little oik boy at dd2s Pre school and he makes a beeline for dd2 everytime he sees her

So far he has pushed and pulled her over, kicked her and hit her

The last incident with him on the last day of term was when he took her bag of Randoms off her and spat at her

She sobbed more at the loss of her sweets and was really quite put out

His feckless mother watched and then said "oh xxx I hope you're being nice!"

I was furious and told the mother that if he went for her again, she was likely to launch him into the middle of next week At the very least she'll lamp him hard enough for him to know about it and think twice.

We've told dd2 very clearly that if he touches her again, she is to hit him as hard as she can but under no circumstances must she hit him first.

Oh these two DCs are 3 in August btw

Because he was bigger and stronger than the kids his age, i didn't want him to look like a bully, but actually we should have just taught him to hit back just enough based on their size. Too late now.

Northernlurker so what do you advocate if your child is being picked on at school/in a park/soft play etc? (when I say picked on I mean keep being harassed, hit and teased by the same kid who won't leave them alone).

I was always taught never to hit back, tell teacher etc. and was horrendously bullied all through school. I don't want that to happen to DS so they are told to hit back and that it's ok to stand up for yourself.

I don't teach my kids to hit back. I teach them to be very loud and say NO! and push the offending party off of them so they can get to a grown up. I don't believe in hitting back until it becomes a survival need, generally making yourself loud and noticeable are enough to make other kids back off, or at least to attract the attention of a teacher.

But what if they hit back and then get hit even harder? It won't matter who punched who first - your kid will be just as in the wrong, and in just as much trouble.

And if your child hits back and really hurts someone, and gets into a lot of trouble, will you feel proud to have encouraged that? Would you feel happy that they've been labelled by their school or nursery as aggressive and violent thanks to the advice you gave them?

If you're telling a child to hit back rather than go to an adult or teacher you're encouraging them to get into an awful lot of trouble.

...my son wouldn't be loud either....or tell a teacher. Now he is going to a High school further away at our travel expense and inconvenience just to get him away from these kids. My advice is absolutely to defend yourself and don't be soft about it - hard and strong and you should only have to do it once.