To be so ashamed of ds and his behaviour?

[Onlyhappywhenitrains]

Ds aged 3.1 has always been tricky. He was a miserable baby because he never slept and cried around six hours a day. He has grown into a more cheerful toddler but he is extremely high energy with a short concentration span and if he has decided he doesn't want to do something it is practically impossible to convince him otherwise. And he stil doesn't sleep.
He is the size of a six year old and will often push or snatch from other children his own age. I don't think he realises his own strength and often other people think he is older than he really is which doesn't help.
But I am constantly on edge waiting for him to misbehave. Today we went out with a few of my friends, one of whom has a dd who is just six months older than my ds. They were the only children there. She sat still over lunch, chatted to everyone and was generally delightful. Ds would not sit still, barely said a word (although is capable of holding full blown conversations and does not shut up at home) and periodically would snatch / whinge / cry because he couldn't have his own way.
I could just feel everyone thinking 'I'm glad that isn't my child' and making negative comparisons between friend's dd and my ds. As was I. I know it doesn't help to compare but I really am getting the the point where I would prefer to stay in the house all day than take ds out. Is this just 3 year old boy behaviour and will it pass? I worry he will never cope when starting school. I don't think he is especially bright and I don't think he will sit still. He is also very easily put off, if he can't do something the first time he will lie on the floor and scream in frustration and then won't try again. This morning he had a fifteen minute sulk because he couldn't get a spinning top to spin fast enough. He is unbelievably competitive and turns everything into a race or competition. If he doesn't win, again massive tantrums and screaming.

Just wanted to mark my place I have been here its awful, and felt the same as you.

nothing is really going to console you at this point but it will pass.

My child went through a very aggressive phase when he turned one. It was awful and I became down and felt paranoid about how the other mums judged him and me though really they were very supportive, luckily.

Years later and he is a lovely thoughtful child (most of the time) - they go through phases and change all the time.

How do you deal with his behaviour when he misbehaves? Do you use the naughty step or similar? There is a good book called toddler taming (I think) that might be a good read? Look on amazon and for other similar reads?

I think it is crucial to let children know there is consequences to naughty behaviour such as naughty step, privileges taken away and toys confiscated etc. How will they learn otherwise?

For example, If he snatches, do you tell him off, tell
Him to apologise and take him away from playing? He needs to know that if he snatches it is not acceptable behaviour and the result will be he won't play and time out. If he tantrums, do you give in?

I'm sorry but there is so much that is wrong with your post that I can only recommend that you seek counselling for your issues with regard to your child.

He is 3. He is only a baby.

If you continue to put so many negative adjectives on him, no doubt he will grow up to have some serious problems.

Right now what he needs from you is acceptance and unconditional love. Lots and lots of both.

Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks? This is your son's wellbeing you are talking about here!

And fwiw, yes, everything you mention sounds like absolutely normal 3yo boy behaviour. Girls are sometimes more socially adept at that age, and 6 months is a very significant age gap when they are that young.

ime, it's a crock of BS when people say there are no differences between girls & boys. That's what you saw today, 2 complete X chromosomes makes a huge difference in maturity & impulse control.

As for 3yos, they are the whingiest creatures on the planet, ime.

Nothing you said makes him sound that unusual. Does he go to nursery yet?

DS is 4yo & generally lovely, but when he kicks off it's ridiculous (he can spend 15 minutes in the morning fussing about his toast being just right.

Yes we use naughty step and will take toys away occasionally.
The problem is more if we are out, he's not so bad at home. Sometimes I think he gets overstimulated or overexcited when out places and it makes his behaviour worse.
He is also extremely negative about things. For instance there was someone else on the swing today and he sat on the floor in a huddle saying 'I'll never have a turn. No turn for me. No swings for me.' it's really, really wearing. And I find once he is In this frame of mind it is hard to get him out of it. Sometimes I think he is still overtired a lot of the time. He hasn't napped in the day since he turned two and although he is usually asleep by 7.30 he is up about 6ish and still wakes (and wakes me up) at least twice - but often three of four times - every night. He has slept through three times since he was born.

I'm not in any position for advice, but something I do notice again and again is this: loads of people seem to think their child is just horribly naughty and that everyone is judging them. It is IME much less often the case that people actually are!

You said your DS and this other child were the only children there, and you felt everyone was thinking they were glad he wasn't theirs ... but they might just as well have been thinking 'oh, thank god I left mine at home with their dad, they'd be doing the same thing, aren't three-year-olds awful when they're fed up?' You don't know for sure.

I know it's beside the point and I'm sure people will give you loads of good advice about what he's actually doing, but you sounded so wretched about it, I wanted you to know how lots of people don't judge as much as you might think.

It's very hard because being bigger means that one can have higher expectations than what are appropriate for the child's age [mangled grammar, sorry]

He's only just 3, prime tantrum land

I would say to divert, distract, ignore what you can bear to, catch him being ''good'' praise praise praise when you do

Masses of outdoor stuff, as much running around untrammelled as you can do

Do you have a trampoline? Brill for diffusing energy (obv use safely, one child only at a time, get one with a net, zip up once child is on, no somersaults etc etc)

Okay, my ds1 was like this and it was hell. He meant well, but gained a bad reputation amongst the other parents and was never invited to any birthday parties or anything. It was awful. I'm antisocial, so managed to ignore/avoid the other parents pretty easily, but was still aware that ds was missing out on friends

I found that the Tom Phelan book, 123 Magic very good. It is possible to get on top of behaviours. It takes a while to change their behaviour and their personality never changes as such, but they do become more manageable. ds1 is now quite a pleasant, responsible teenager.

OP, don't panic. My DS was exactly like yours at 3. And my DD was exactly like your friend's DD at 3. They could have been different species from eachother!

DS is now 6 and much more civilised - he is so different from his 3yo self! He will concentrate when necessary and he is doing well at school. The behaviour you describe is normal and IMO, if you can send him to a school nursery (or something structured like that), it will do him good. My DS went to a school nursery at 3 and he was by far the worst in every area - behaviour, speech, concentration, everything...I was worried sick! Now, you would not tell him apart from his well behaved and articulate peers. It's a difficult stage for some boys and it will pass - just make sure that you reward him for good behaviour etc, always reinforce what is and insn't acceptable.

He starts nursery in sept. he is actually very very sociable in a lot of ways, but more so with older children. I worry less with older children because they are a similar size to my ds. I get concerned when he is playing with a little dot of a three year old!
I know sometimes I expect too much even though I know logically he is only three my brain sometimes can't compute this because of his size and I think I expect more. One of the children he plays with by our house is five but is much smaller than my ds and I recognise that I baby her more! Which is ridiculous!

Oh op feel for you.

My ds bit the sweetest most popular girl in playgroup because she didn't move fast enough for him at the sea life centre.!! He was rough, naughty and a complete pita....

We set strong rules and boundaries, very hard but we did it..

He is now loving, sensible, level headed and 23!!!

3 year old boys grow up ( thank Christ)

Boys brains ARE wired differently - the part of the brain responsible for learning is conected to the area for physical movement. Boys need to move to learn. Have you read Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph?

I often think if I wasn't so tired too I would cope better.
Three years of broken sleep has about finished me off. I'd have liked another baby but just can't contemplate it because of the sleeping. There are weeks where he doesn't sleep for longer than an hour and a half at a time. By the time I've managed to go back to sleep he's awake again.

Have read raising boys. I know boys and girls are different. I don't really mind the high energy. It's the aggression I find harder to deal with.

My son is quite horrible if im honest, always has been. In nursery he threw quite a few tantrums the type where he would cut his nose off to spite his face. Now hes finished his first year at school and ive never been called in once about behaviour and his report said how good he is at socialising and making solid friendships. Think school has that authority. As for the sleeping I cant help my son always slept quite good even if that was in my bed. but what about medised

So what I am trying to say is do not worry about school atm they do calm down. I used to swear he had some type of ADHD but he was just a boisterous boy.

Eek, he must be suffering a lot for that broken sleep pattern, too.
Why does he sleep so badly?

Hi, I suspect you are worn out and it all seems much worse than it really is. My son is also 3, today he got very upset when we were out because we were sharing some food but he didn't want to share with me. He had a strop and said 'I don't like sharing'. If I was frazzled/knackered this could have spelt the end of a nice lunch. But I managed to keep on distracting til it passed and we shared the jam.

You do sound quite negative about your son, which will be hard on both of you.

Are there things you do like doing with him? Could you focus on doing those for a bit to give you both a break and try to have some nice times together? I sometimes take a step back and ask less of mine when they are driving me mad - by lowering the bar I can praise more which means we all get along a bit better.

I agree that the sleep is likely to be the real root of the problem, and probably holds some of the solution. I would start with getting some help with this...it will help both of you if you can sleep. Go to GP. Read any books you can...

At the same, and I know it is hard, try to accept him and see his good points. He may or may not grow out of it, but he will probably sense your frustration with him.

It's not 3yr old boy behaviour...it's 3yr old child behaviour.

He's very young so there's plenty of time to grow out of it...especially when he starts Nursery and then School.

He'll work out that the more amiable/charming he is, the better things will be for him all round.

My DD1 was that girl today! Sociable polite, asking to leave the table and her language skills are insane for a 2.8yr old. We were at a friends who feels terrible as her ds (2just) gave her a scratch and a black eye .

Yet three days ago I had to be helped out of Tesco in tears by a member of staff in tears as I had DD2 in a pushchair and was physically incapable of dragging a hitting screaming shelf destroying DD2 out of the shop before she did more damage, it was humiliating.

My point being those perfect little girls/boys are perfect at that time and little monsters at others so most parents will be thinking "oh thank god that's not me today".

Totally agree though that our reactions dictate behaviour so if you are tired and have had this a long time you may be in a behaviour/reaction rut. You need to change things up. Have a few days in with totally planned out days, plan distractions for hotspots that you know and if meltdown starts try to turn it into giggles e.g if DD2 kicks off about not enough toothpaste I would grab her and smell her stinky breath then pretend to pass out to see if she needs more.

It is exhausting but as you have more and more good to praise the balance should tip that way with the punishable behaviour becoming less frequent (but always there sadly) so it becomes easier day by day.

Oh and the negativity I just agree with so for "I'll never ever get on the slide" I'll totally earnestly agree and say "oh your right how horrible we may as well go home (fake cry wander to gate)" snaps them out pretty quick .

Got my DD s mixed up there but I'm sure you'll figure out DD2 at 9 weeks is incapable of shelf destroying and I don't feed her toothpaste

op I really feel for you. There are so many times when I have been the embarrassed parent with my ds, for different reasons maybe, but I recognise that feeling. On the other hand my dds are like the ones in your post!
My ds is amazing, very sensitive and emotional, which can mean very loving, passionate about things, like cruelty and caring. But it can also mean that EVERYTHING is such a big deal at times, and he will go off in one at the drop of a hat. He can throw the most unbelievable tantrums, and he doesn't care where he is or who is watching. He is now 9, and it took me a long time to switch my head round.
At first I was in the place you are in, worried about what others think, that sounds shallow, but it comes from the desire for other people to like and love my ds like I do. I had to really consciously make a decision that my reaction to him had to be always and totally in relation to his behaviour, and nothing else, no matter who was watching or how horrid he was being. I had to take my reaction out of the equation. Forget the worry that your parenting skills are being judged. THEY are not parenting your ds. I see parents with 3 lovely laid back dds and think they don't know they are born!

I aree with what others have said too, boys can be very different. They need action, don't do sitting still in a cafe until they are about 18 school age, but especially they react physically. He he wants a toy, he will grab or snatch. At 3 he may even bite or hit. A girl in most contexts would ask, whine, scream or shout. Of course you have to respond to the physical, and you have to give him the words, so ' when you want a toy you need to say, can I have a turn next please, not bite' My ds was an early talker and very chatty, but he still does reacts physically before verbally.

It does get better. The sleep gets better too, because he is getting to the age when you can say don't come to me, if you wake up you are a big boy and can do a wee and go back to bed. it will take a while, but he will eventually.

The funny thing is, that when I am having a bad day, people who know us, will tell me how lovely my ds is and how much they like him. Every time I am amazed. I only remember the public temper. The other people remember the good stuff too.