To be so ashamed of ds and his behaviour?

[Onlyhappywhenitrains]

Ds aged 3.1 has always been tricky. He was a miserable baby because he never slept and cried around six hours a day. He has grown into a more cheerful toddler but he is extremely high energy with a short concentration span and if he has decided he doesn't want to do something it is practically impossible to convince him otherwise. And he stil doesn't sleep.
He is the size of a six year old and will often push or snatch from other children his own age. I don't think he realises his own strength and often other people think he is older than he really is which doesn't help.
But I am constantly on edge waiting for him to misbehave. Today we went out with a few of my friends, one of whom has a dd who is just six months older than my ds. They were the only children there. She sat still over lunch, chatted to everyone and was generally delightful. Ds would not sit still, barely said a word (although is capable of holding full blown conversations and does not shut up at home) and periodically would snatch / whinge / cry because he couldn't have his own way.
I could just feel everyone thinking 'I'm glad that isn't my child' and making negative comparisons between friend's dd and my ds. As was I. I know it doesn't help to compare but I really am getting the the point where I would prefer to stay in the house all day than take ds out. Is this just 3 year old boy behaviour and will it pass? I worry he will never cope when starting school. I don't think he is especially bright and I don't think he will sit still. He is also very easily put off, if he can't do something the first time he will lie on the floor and scream in frustration and then won't try again. This morning he had a fifteen minute sulk because he couldn't get a spinning top to spin fast enough. He is unbelievably competitive and turns everything into a race or competition. If he doesn't win, again massive tantrums and screaming.

one last thought (I have to go to bed)
When ds was really difficult, I seemed to spend loads of time being cross. It is really important to keep catching he doing good, how ever small, or ordinary and be positive about it. You end up sounding stupid but it is worth it.

(you know: didn't you sit nicely in the car on the way home today. Well done for eating up all your snack etc etc)

Sorry - I know its bad form not to read all replies, but expecting ds3 to wake any moment. Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child - Mary Kurcinka? Its easy to say he is only 3, so its normal behaviour, but it certainly doesn't feel like it when it's always your child who seems to be playing up.

Been there with ds1 (5) and still am, although not quite as much. This book helped me to see the positives in his behaviour, and how to react in a positive way (as often as possible).

Ok guess I should have read two messages back at least . oh well - two votes for the book!

I sympathise OP - I hated parenting when the dc were small because the great british public are such a child intolerant bunch of wasp chewers...yes, they most probably are sitting in judgement of you and your ds....the thing is small children are often irrational, chaotic etc and we shouldn't expect the same consistency from them as we do adults. I went through a semi agoraphobic phase (I exaggerate only slightly) when dd was 2-3 years old and ds a baby ....I wouldn't go out with them without another adult there as my wing man as dd was so challenging. She would literally froth at the mouth with rage if the mood took her. Things started to change when she turned 4, she became more reasonable and ameanable and she is now a lovely, kind and funny 10 year old. Like so many other posters have said, yes it is mighty difficult now, but your son will come through this tricky phase

Glad someone else has heard of it

They probably weren't judging you.

When I had a toddler and tried to watch school plays etc, I thought their noise was so audible. Now they are bigger, I barely notice the noise other small children make.

Have just downloaded raising your spirited child to my kindle. Thank you for suggestions.
Also encouraging to see others have come out the other side of it.

Ds is sensitive to textures and noises so suspect he fits the profile of a spirited child quite well. Very very sensitive to criticism too and often reacts to things he has seen on tv or read more strongly than I'd expect.

get help.
you need counselling to help you overcome your negativity towards this poor child who depends on you. if you don't love him, who will?
i'm not saying he isn't a pain in the bum. but feeling as you do isn't going to make things any better.
go to your gp. get counselling.

Psht no one on this thread is qualified to tell you you need counselling from this post. You might need a break but nothing you have said strikes as anything out of the ordinary. You can love and dislike your child at the same time at times. Gosh I used to shout at my son that I was going to send him to live with his dad because he was such a brat and he isnt damaged LOL. It is ok not to be a amazing parent 1005 of the time I hated parenting till they were both in school and I definately do not need counselling to teach me to love my son. Urgh MN is something else sometimes.

Ignore lovebunny (points index finger at head and rotates it slowly in a meaningful way)

If you need counselling then so do I and many of the other people who have posted on this thread (pretty sure we don't!).

The Highly Sensitive Child.

fair enough, i'm not qualified to tell her she needs counselling. sorry. i accept that.

but it was what came to mind. i teach. when you meet the parents of badly-behaved children, a few are very clearly 'rejecting' (not deliberately) their child, which makes the child behave even more badly.

honestly, people who feel badly enough to write the o p need help. that isn't a criticism. as well as strategies to deal with behaviour, they also need help sorting out their own feelings.

Hope I don't need counselling indeed!
I DO love ds. If anything happened to him I'd have to throw myself under a bus because I wouldn't be able to live without him.

But my goodness he drives me to distraction sometimes. Often times. He just does really random things and I think 'why? Why have you done that?!' it's the grabbing and pushing that really drives me mad because he knows to ask and mot snatch, he knows he shouldn't push or shove. He says sorry immediately, looks all mournful and then does it again three minutes later!

Haven't read whole post, sorry, final packing for hold....but if sleep the first thing to tackle try a sleep diary. Write down when he wakes, when he male, bedtime routine, bedroom setting (highlight, blackout blind, noise from neighbours etc) for every night for at least a fortnight. You may start to see a pattern when it all written down. If you cannot then you can take that to you HV/GP and insist on a sleep referral.
Worked for my 18 month old when she was waking continually in the night.

Hmm - counselling isn't so bad. Sometimes children wear us down, sometimes we need help to understand why we are feeling so negative so we can start again and work to change things. Sometimes out children remind us of someone we know, and that's hard, because we respond to them as if they were that person, not who they are (a 3 year old, for instance). Sometimes we need our self confidence boosting so we feel less paranoid and think everyone's criticising us.

Not nuts to suggest it, IMO.

OP - he doesn't "know" or at least he may do, but at 3 he can't always show the necessary restraint in the moment.

Ineedbrandy - IMO, shouting at your child that you were going to send them away is a sign you weren't coping. Not criticising - I've been in a sate of not coping before.

Sorry i haven't read all the posts, just wanted to say that perhaps you should focus on activities for now which don't make you stressed. So cut back on play groups and lunches and go for walks in the forest, to the beach, etc.

Sit down lunches are not going to be easy with him at the moment so just don't do it. I used to make that mistake with my oldest but she often screamed the place down and so it just wasn't worth it. I do wish i hadn't bothered.

I take my youngest who doesn't sit still out for a quick coffee, juice etc so that he has that experience still and starts to learn what is expected of him but without the pressure of having to stay because we've ordered food and we are with friends.

state not sate

also - he may be going through a developmental phase - these can be confusing for a dc so can affect their behaviour - love and consistency can help - create a secure atmosphere for your ds maybe?

My three year old whines all day long, from the moment his feet hit the floor to when he goes to bed. Does my head right in but I love that boy to bits. My older girls weren't like him at three but my other ds (two) shows signs of going the same way! They are babies and will grow out of it.

As a disinterested bystander I was alienated by the suggestion of counselling because of the very loaded way in which it was suggested to the op "if you don't love him, who will?" ....so i can't imagine it would have won over the op

He has just woken for first time (been asleep since 8ish). Usually wakes 11.30, 1ish, 2.30ish, 4ish, occasionally 5.15 and then up for good between 6 and. 6.30.
Gah!

I do think the way you feel is totally normal Op (hope so otherwise I am not!) But as I said before, I think you can get into a place where without realising it, we are not giving enough positive reinforcement messages to our child. We need to consciously praise them more than we tell them off. On a bad day that feels impossible, so we have to create a space to do it. Go outside and then say 'I love the way you run and run, you have so much energy isn't it great!'(reminds self to say something nice to ds before breakfast)

JamieandTheOlympicTorch I wouldnt say I was an amazing parent at that precise moment but still here 2 years later and hes now almost lovely did get sent to bed early because of brattish behaviour .

No one copes with it all constantly its bloody hard work doesnt mean you need to love your son because no one else will I doubt there is any parent that has not shouted and screeched like a fishwife at times but that stage doesnt last forever and it does get better as they get older.