To be so ashamed of ds and his behaviour?

[Onlyhappywhenitrains]

Ds aged 3.1 has always been tricky. He was a miserable baby because he never slept and cried around six hours a day. He has grown into a more cheerful toddler but he is extremely high energy with a short concentration span and if he has decided he doesn't want to do something it is practically impossible to convince him otherwise. And he stil doesn't sleep.
He is the size of a six year old and will often push or snatch from other children his own age. I don't think he realises his own strength and often other people think he is older than he really is which doesn't help.
But I am constantly on edge waiting for him to misbehave. Today we went out with a few of my friends, one of whom has a dd who is just six months older than my ds. They were the only children there. She sat still over lunch, chatted to everyone and was generally delightful. Ds would not sit still, barely said a word (although is capable of holding full blown conversations and does not shut up at home) and periodically would snatch / whinge / cry because he couldn't have his own way.
I could just feel everyone thinking 'I'm glad that isn't my child' and making negative comparisons between friend's dd and my ds. As was I. I know it doesn't help to compare but I really am getting the the point where I would prefer to stay in the house all day than take ds out. Is this just 3 year old boy behaviour and will it pass? I worry he will never cope when starting school. I don't think he is especially bright and I don't think he will sit still. He is also very easily put off, if he can't do something the first time he will lie on the floor and scream in frustration and then won't try again. This morning he had a fifteen minute sulk because he couldn't get a spinning top to spin fast enough. He is unbelievably competitive and turns everything into a race or competition. If he doesn't win, again massive tantrums and screaming.

I second the sleep thing: have you asked for help with it? If you've tried and failed to sleep train him you can ask your GP or HV to refer you to a sleep clinic. Everything is ten times harder when you haven't slept well. Do you ever have a night off where your DP gets up all night or your DS stays with his grandparents?

Having a child misbehave in public is always awful but most people are very sympathetic and are thinking 'thank goodness it isn't mine this time' or 'poor woman, been there, done that' rather than judging him or you. Try to relax about it a bit :)

Agree with everyone else - he is 3. He's still very little and needs lots of affection as well as boundaries.

Had to post in response to this. My DS was very much like this at the age of 3. He is very sensitive and impulsive and from the age of 2 was pushing other children - sometimes for absolutely no reason whatsover. We went through agonies about it, and got (and even still sometimes get) comments like 'Have you tried the naughty step?' - of COURSE we've bloody tried it but the behaviour repeated itself again and again whatever we did.

What worked best in the end, on advice from his preschool, was to get him to verbalise what it was he was trying to express. So go down to his level, ask why he did that, and explain what he should have done instead (eg go and ask mummy to help you, take turns, etc). Took a long time but it did have an impact - and worked better than harsh punishment / confrontation, which just escalated the situation. We also tried to make 'time out', when we did need to use it, a time of quiet and reflection, not a punishment.

At 4.5, he is also now starting to grow out of it, though we still have the odd incident, especially round his little brother.

I totally feel for you. Some kids just are born with a temperament like this and the things that work for other people just don't work with them. It's hard when others are judgemental.

I don't know about your son but mine has compensating factors as well - bundles of energy and charm - which I try very hard to remind myself when he's playing up for the 25th time that morning :-)

donteat I'm not sure why he sleeps so badly. He is still tired in the day by about 3ish but if he does nap (and will only sleep in car in daytime occasionally) he is then awake until gone 10pm which actually makes him more tired in the long run. He is a restless sleeper and often startles himself awake. Since potty training he is often up at least once for the toilet. He sometimes wants a drink. It is often for my,attention I think. If I ignore him he can keep up his shouting for over two hours and I usually crack first. I know being tired makes his (and my) behaviour worse. I am also aware that I resent him for making me feel so tired and miserable. I am pretty certain if he slept better it would improve the situation.

I generally keep a lid on now frustrated I get but occasionally I can feel myself at breaking point and have to go in another room to calm down. I am a Sahm and we are together all day every day so possibly nursery might be good for us both.

steppemum so much of what you said rings true!

oh and my ds is very tall, so everyone assumed he was older which was worse.

My SIL did sleep clinic, it was expensive but very very good. got her 2 sleeping

sorry post was so long

Op its nothing to do with boy or girl both can be...."difficult"...they all go through phases all the time and do change, make sure you allow him to change as well...and dont get rooted into the ....he is this and that - try try try not to label him.

follow through threats if he totally misbehaves during a lunch or hurts another child more than once - take him home...

TBH - we have ALL been there with both sexes...and at toddler groups/play park there is always the turn of the bad day child who will play up.

what i think personally is though, as long as you simply watch him so he doesnt hurt others - and do reprimand him when he is naughty....other parents will not care how he behaves.

what i have noticed that gets parents back up - is when child is out of control and mother is not watching!

I have seen boy pick up chair and swing it at girls head, do running jump onto toddler who was fallen on the floor, stand on trampoline and kick out leg into other childs face, and mum,.....always sat with other child doing craft.....lost in a happy little world of her own!

Dont worry what other people think.

OP. try reading "The Highly Sensitive Child". It may help you to understand him.

I know you are exhausted, embarrassed and worried, but it is not in his power to change himself. If you can find a way to feel less worried and more positive about him it will help both of you.

In the short term, if things are too much for him, cut them short. Lower your expectations for how long you stay out with him, how much excitement he gets.

And I wonder if you are thinking boys = difficult, girls =easy. Not always the case.

Hv has promised twice to refer us to sleep specialist but has not done so and is virtually impossible to get hold of. Sent me some pamphlets about bedtime routine but generally he will now go to sleep ok (after we did controlled crying at around 18months), it is staying asleep that is the problem.

with regards sleep. None of mine napped beyond 2, so don't worry about napping, he has obviously grown out of it.

At the sleep clinic my SIL was given a small lamp on a timer which went in the hall. They also invited the 'sleep fairy' to visit. The lamp was on all night and went off at 7 am. When dd had stayed in her bed until the lamp went off, the sleep fairy brought her a present. It actually worked brilliantly, although I was sceptical.

We did a sticker chart - sticker if you stay in your bed all night (except toilet breaks I guess), prize after a few nights...?

Little boys like that need lots of sympathy and patience.

You sound very negative about him, like he is not what you expected but to me he sounds a normal three yr old boy.

You cannot sense everybody'sdisapproval, that is your own disapproval you are feeling.

It will get better, do not forget to ive him lots of hugs and quiet moments as well as chanelling his energy in active pursuits, ie do not expect him to sit down quietly just like that,let him run and play free first.

Patience and love will help

6 months is a massive age gap in h

If your HV is rubbish then go to your GP and make a nuisance of yourself if necessary to get the referral.

I think I've had a bad day too, one of my 'friends' (I say friend, she's a bit more of a frenemy) said something like 'I don't know how you cope with ds, he never sits still. It must be exhausting for you.' it wasn't said in a sympathetic way though, more a patronising way.
Later she said I should hire ds out to couples who think they want children and if they could cope with my ds then they would be ok to go ahead and have a child as they could cope with anything.
Yeah, I might cut all ties with her.

Op I know it sounds trite and fucking annoying but honestly 3 year olds are nothing like they are at say 9 or 15 or even 23..

I swear it gets better and this will pass...

6 months is a massive age gap in chIldren. I was just like you with dd. she would push children in the park and I stopped taking her for a few months and dreaded taking her out. She grew out of it though and is a very caring little 4 year old. You'll probably hear this a lot over the next year or so, but it's just a phase and they most definitely grow out of it.

sorry, keep thinking of things!

My ds is very very sensitive to being hungry. This morning he was going off in a strop about something and I asked him if he had breakfast. he stopped and laughed and got out the cereal. It has taken him 9 years to recognise in himself that he needs to eat. Until now I have had to be really alert about it. And the odd biscuit doesn't do it. When he was a toddler he needed a proper lunch on time, half an hour late and he lost it.

Didn't realise how bad he was til I had dd

That's a lovely idea re the sleep fairy. We tried the growclock to no avail but maybe a prize might be more motivation.

Op- you sound like you are describing me and ds1 exactly. Ds can be funny, utterly charming and kind but 30 seconds later, and for reasons unbeknown to me, can tear around snatching, pushing and shouting obnoxious statements in my face. Eg. Took him to local city farm this week - he spent a lovely time cooing at the owls, talking gently to the rabbits and giggling at the pigs but then we went to the cafe for lunch. Within seconds he had barged into a little wendy house they had there, pushed one boy then rabbit punched a little girl. I cut short our lunch, dragging him out kicking and screaming.

He, too, can be very impatient and negative, and is ridiculously emotional about everything. His friends change almost on a daily basis, dependent on the level of snatching, screaming and non-sharing encountered on the last playdate. He plays extremely well with older and smaller toddlers but anyone who has a whiff of a Pre-schooler about them is fair game for a bit of snatching, pushing and shouting.

I just try to take a deep breath, chant the 'phase passing' mantra and look forward to wine o'clock.

I wonder if he's getting enough exercise to burn off all his energy. If he's still full of unreleased energy he won't sleep. Get him to do a few hours of physical activity a day and cut out any sugar in his diet.

He'll be able to concentrate, think straight and be in better form when he's getting the sleep he needs.

He gets a lot of physical activity! Several hours a day. Doesn't eat much very sugary stuff but does have fruit which has natural sugar, would that still affect him? Has had a few ice creams in the hot weather mind you!
He is fussy about new foods and only has four reliably accepted main meals. Different textures make him gag.

Sleep is so so important. Mine never napped but I had a definite quiet time every afternoon when I let them chill in front of the tv. also gave me a bit of peace and quiet

I also made sure that I went over my expectations of their behaviour when we went out. Beforehand, we would discuss how we behave with friends or how we behave at snack time or whatever and then, afterwards, we would 'discuss' their behaviour, with lots of positive feedback. I like to think I bored them into submission. Consistency is really important too
I know you know that already but it's a hard one

I would also deal with things at the time, including shouting at them in the supermarket or taking them home if need be. Bugger what people think. All kids have bad days.

Praise him as much as you can and make sure, at times, you really give him your attention and have fun with him.

Good luck.

Ds2 is slightly older but very difficult too.

The difference is he's my youngest so despite being almost at breaking point I'm very conscious of how young he is and can just about tolerate it in the hope that with direction and patience he'll improve as he gets older.

If my eldest had been this difficult at a similar age I think I would have cracked as I expected so much more from her as at 3 she seemed so 'grown up' iyswim.

I guess what I'm trying to say is; maybe it's not your son's behaviour that needs to adjust so much as your attitude to that behaviour.

Can you remember being 3? I can, and it astonishes me how disjointed and babyish those memories are, how infantile my perceptions of the world and the people around me. Your son is barely self aware, he hasn't developed much empathy yet, he's has a self centred view of the world AND ALL THESE THINGS ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL (especially for boys, they generally are slower at social development)

Your expectations could be inflaming the situation and are certainly causing you unnecessary stress.... let them go and try and see the world from your son's point of view.

My DS is 5.5, I have an older DD so identify with the differences mentioned.

I have had a lot of success with a book called Calmer Easier Happier parenting by Noel Janis Norton.

Good luck to all of us!

I found this book really helpful. It gives lots of ideas, but also helps you to see the positive side of the negative things

Raising Your Spirited Child
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka