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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

892 replies

redyam · 26/07/2012 21:47

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/07/2012 05:13

'The dad is staying out of it, trying to be the peacekeeper.'

I gather from this that you have precipitated a battle royal.

Your remark suggests that you have managed to stir up an incident that has come between them. The dad doesn't want to tell you where to get off because you are his mother and all he wants is a quiet life and for you to take the hint without him having to spell it out to you. I think this is a power struggle between you and the DIL and you want the dad to take your side.

Back off.
You need to stop at once and apologise to both the dad and the DIL.

And I agree with Scottishmummy wrt 'do her a world of good'
Yes indeed, there is very much an implied criticism there.

Midgetm · 27/07/2012 05:55

I can't believe how many people categorically state 3 is too young for a sleepover. It not a bloody drink fuelled slumber party but a night with GP's. Of course new experiences do children a world of good. It's hardly code for 'Im a judgemental old bint of a MIL who is going to fuck up all your precious parenting on one night of fruit shoots.' it's lovely for GP's to have time with their GC's, I would do everything I can to foster such a lovely relationship for my DC's. Personally I think parenting where you think only you can deal with DC's becomes self perpetuating and makes overly dependent DC's. It is healthy to trust those close to you. It's all down to trust.

I think it's nice to offer, the only reason I would say no is if I thought DD would be unsafe. That is something else entirely. Just saying they may have an pee related accident or may wake up is, meh. MIL has had kids, she'll know what to do. All sounds a little PFB to me. I love waking up with DD but I appreciate my MIL and parents do too and wouldn't begrudge then that experience, life is short.

I would want to know why DIL says no. I think it shows a lack if trust. or a bit of a precious attitude That would be the issue for me. Although to keep the peace just ask if she is too young now maybe you could think about doing it when they think she is ready. which may be when she is 25 judging in some of the replies on here

Brightspark1 · 27/07/2012 06:53

DCs regularly stayed over with my parents from the age of 2, and they loved it. It gave me a break too. The reason that we did it was that you never know when it might be necessary due to a crisis such as illness, or when. I was in hospital having 2nd DC. It's much better for children to get used to it in a planned way rather than as an emergency. The close bond they developed with my parents as a result has benefitted everyone, not least DCs.

seeker · 27/07/2012 06:55

Oh for crying out loud, we're talking about one night with a grandparent, not 10 days touring the red light district of Amsterdam! I can't believe the waful assumptions people have made about the grandma on this thread.

Children have relationships with all sorts of people. And it's important that they do. Of course the relationship with the parents is usually the most important one- but that isn't somehow undermined or devalued by the child having relationships with other people too! I think people sometimes behave as if there only a finite amount of love, and if a child gives some of her share to grandma there will somehow be less for mum. It doesn't work like that.

lovebunny · 27/07/2012 06:59

the problem isn't the sleepover, its the grandma's belief in her entitlement and her unwillingness to accept that the mother has the final say on this.

FinnBuckingham · 27/07/2012 07:01

I can't believe the waful assumptions people have made about the grandma on this thread.
not really assumptions as such, more reading between the lines, although of course the granny herself did not word it, it does sound as though her friend who did write the OP, is repeating some of granny's own phrases.
Thing is,if you are not friendly with the child's mother, you cannot be a real granny, it has to work two ways.
Does my head in when my sister calls me a 'knut' and then wants to play auntie and invites my dd to make lemon drizzle cake, and wants to have little private convos on fb with her. But that is just by the by.

WinkyWinkola · 27/07/2012 07:04

I don't see why the girl cannot stay with her GM overnight but if the parents say no, then they don't have to explain themselves to anyone.

Some parents just don't want a break from their dcs. And that's fair enough too.

It's almost as if unless you do what other people think you should do, you are wrong.

Longtalljosie · 27/07/2012 07:05

But if you're not going to be at your house - where will you be staying? At a hotel? My DD has stayed over with my MIL pretty regularly but at her house. I would find it harder for her to take her away somewhere I think, until she was older.

seeker · 27/07/2012 07:08

"Thing is,if you are not friendly with the child's mother, you cannot be a real granny, it has to work two ways."

I don't agree at all! I just hate the idea that all the control and power over a child rests with its mother. A child is a separate individual, with their own relationships and likes and dislikes, you may loathe your mother in law, but you have no right to deprive your children of a relationship with her! (unless she is actually abusive, obviously)

BlueBirdsNest · 27/07/2012 07:12

No if the mum isn't happy leave it be

You sould speak to your daughter in law and find out what is making her say no.

To many people think a grandchild should automatically come and stay with them and they should be be given rights etc.

That's not how the world works and if your daughter in law and son don't want you having her overnight , you have to respect that even if it makes you feel crap

Dozer · 27/07/2012 07:12

Where's the OP?

Dozer · 27/07/2012 07:22

DIL isn't being unreasonable, including in not giving reasons (which may offend or be picked over). Agree that it should be both parents' decision - it's not great of the dad to make it clear that it's DIL saying no.

It wouldn't necessarily be a break to drive 100 miles to drop DD off (and have to pay for a nearby hotel/b&b for DIL/DH). i wouldn't be happy with a 3yo staying in a hotel with MIL. Would also feel I had to pay etc.

Maybe DIL would prefer MIL to babysit for short periods at either house, during a visit, eg so that they can go for a meal.

DH and I fall out over this kind of stuff. FIL and his partner almost never see the DC or DH (their choice) but want to have one of the DC at a time to take out and stay overnight "once they're older". I have said "no thank you, we would love to do X, Y or Z together though", but not given reasons (the DC don't know them and they are alcoholics so I would be worried about safety). DH privately argues with me, but backs me up with FIL.

seeker · 27/07/2012 07:30

"DIL isn't being unreasonable, including in not giving reasons (which may offend or be picked over). Agree that it should be both parents' decision - it's not great of the dad to make it clear that it's DIL saying no"

But what if the dad thinks the dil is being unreasonable?

NapaCab · 27/07/2012 07:31

Totally reasonable for your friend (if that's the case and it's not really you) to want to take her grand-daughter out and then have her stay overnight. Speaking as someone whose parents and parents-in-law are thousands of miles away from us and thus unable to see our son much, I would LOVE for him to have a chance to build a good relationship with his grandparents so your DIL should be grateful to have you close by and involved.

That said, I'm my son's mother and my word is final so if I weren't comfortable with a situation for any reason then that would be that and I would just say no. It's not really for the grandparents to decide.

36+ hours of labour, 6+ months of breastfeeding and endless sleepless nights have to count for something... that's just the way it is with mothers and children!

Jacksmania · 27/07/2012 07:36

I can't believe the awful assumptions people have made about the grandma on this thread.

Seeing as the OP appears to have buggered off, assumptions is pretty much all we're left with :o

I wonder if she's coming back?

LadyInDisguise · 27/07/2012 07:59

I am Shock at the fact that everyone on MN seems to assume that anyone in the family is there 'to get them'.
So you can't give reasons as to why you don't want your dcs stay at GP because they will be picked over
So you can't ask if you gc can stay overnight with you because otherwise you have the grandma's belief in her entitlement [to have her gc overnight].

Is there really no one who have just plain normal relationship within their families? Ones where you can ask something wo upsetting, one where you can give explanation wo having your explanation pulled apart.

seeker · 27/07/2012 08:07

"That said, I'm my son's mother and my word is final"

Bloody hell! And if, by some freak chance you happen to be wrong??????

Kayano · 27/07/2012 08:09

How is the phrase 'do her the world
Of good' an implied criticism of the mother ffs? Would it not do a child the world of good to spend some more time bonding with the GC?

I hate the whole 'they are mine nar nar' attitude. The child is 3!!! Not 3 months!

2rebecca · 27/07/2012 08:13

If someone told me that doing something would "do you the world of good" I would think it implied that I had some character defect that needed remedying. Medicines "do you good". Why didn't the granny just say she thought her GD would enjoy it? Why the need to "do her the world of good"?

FinnBuckingham · 27/07/2012 08:14

because rightly or wrongly, perhaps it's just unfortunate wording, it does rather sound as though the OP or their friend thinks that some time away from her mother would 'do her (the child) the world of good'........
which is real MIL territory, and quite honestly i do not see that a child 'bonding'with someone with that attitude is going to be any good for anyone.

FinnBuckingham · 27/07/2012 08:15

spot on rebecca

seeker · 27/07/2012 08:17

As I said, bloody hell. I really must practice my "walking on eggshells" and " scriutinizing every word I say" skills before my ds grows up!

Apart from anything else, how do you know that the activity the grandma wants to take the child to might not be the thing that would "do her the world of good"? Oh,and it's nearby- not 100 miles away.

hairytale · 27/07/2012 08:23

Yabu. Her DC her choice. Why is it so important to the grandmother to have the GC over night? I'd just tell your friend to back Off OP. She can spend quality time in other ways. There could be all sorts of things the MIL has done to offend/upset the mother that she's unaware of.

My MIL has gone on about leaving babies to cry and shutting them in their rooks so won't be having my DC over night.

She also called me neurotic when my baby was two weeks old - I unknowingly had retained placenta that was massively infected and rampant iron defficiency anaemia - so you bet I was knackered, jumpy and not up to par!

BedHog · 27/07/2012 08:23

Where is the evening outing? Nearby to the grandparents or the parents? If it's the overnight stay that is the problem, perhaps the grandparents could take the girl out for the evening and then return her home, or return her to the grandparents house where the parents are also staying.

seeker · 27/07/2012 08:25

NO- Not her dc her choice. Children are not possessions. Children are human beings with relationships of their own.