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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

892 replies

redyam · 26/07/2012 21:47

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 27/07/2012 08:36

Fantastic post by midgetm^^

Seeker has nailed it too. I didn't know I was unusual, I just take it for granted that my DS will have a close relationship with my parents, that they will deal with whatever comes up, and that if anybody has any questions or concerns they will voice them openly as per normal communication.

It's the whole MIL/DIL thing though isn't it. All bets are off. I agree with the poster who was concerned as the mother of boys. I've got a wee boy, but I'm hoping he will be gay. I couldn't be fagged with the etiquette gymnastics of granny-dom if this thread is an illustration.

StrandedOnThePodium · 27/07/2012 08:37

There has to be more to this.

Kayano · 27/07/2012 08:39

It's the whole

Back off
You must apologise
Why are GP do desperate and entitled?

Etc that I don't get. She only asked to have her gd one night! One night after three years!

Hardly desperate and entitled!

TheBolter · 27/07/2012 08:41

YANBU to feel offended - that is your prerogative.
However YABU to pressure your DIL, and to assume that this is what the GD wants.

Try again in a few years, and don't guilt trip as it's probably been stressful enough for your DIL to say no. I do sometimes wish men (i.e. your DS) would grow more of a backbone in these situations though!

lechatnoir · 27/07/2012 08:41

My kids have stayed at my parents since they were around 1 at least 3 or 4 times a year - sometimes with us, sometimes with their cousins but usually on their own. They absolutely love going to stay & now (age 6 & 3) tell us they don't want us at their sleepovers with granny Grin. They spoil then rotten and usually take them out somewhere fun including gasp meals & shows into the evening and I actually think it does them the world of good. I'm amazed people think 3 is too young for a night with grandparents & find it quite sad that so few are allowed to enjoy & indulge their grandchildren occasionally.
LCN
PS I am equally happy for them to stay at/with in-laws but geography & age prevents this from happening too often.

wishiwasonholiday · 27/07/2012 08:42

Yabu it's upto the parents, I wouldn't let my 7 year old go for a sleepover and his grandparents live within 20 mins drive.

However yanbu to be hurt but sometimes parents just aren't comfortable with children staying overnight.

Kayano · 27/07/2012 08:43

7! faints

TheBolter · 27/07/2012 08:44

Having said that, I was shipped orf to granny's for two weeks every summer from the age of two. My granny must have been quietly thanking her lucky stars that there were never any politics between her and my mother!

thewashfairy · 27/07/2012 08:44

Wow,amazing how precious some of you are about your DC!As seeker said children are human beings with relationships of their own. Providing we are dealing with normally functioning adults here on both sides I really can not see the problem with the sleepover.

The fact she said,"it would do her the world of good" may have been meant for the DIL?

I started off being quite a possessive/clingy parent with my PFB. My DH surprised me with a night away for my birthday when DD was 3 and DS 18mnths. He organised absolutely everything including childcare with my fab ILS.

Left to my own devises I would have found too many 'yeah but-no buts' to ever have done such a thing. We had a great time and rekindled our relationship in those childfree hours. My DC thoroughly enjoyed the stay and so did ILS. Sometimes you need a little help to gently let go bit by bit.

TheBolter · 27/07/2012 08:45

Blimey wishiwas... my two have been sleeping at my parents nearly every weekend since they were babies, they live ten mins away. It opens up a whole new world of babysitting and llate night partying

DowagersHump · 27/07/2012 08:46

Why are you not comfortable? I'm not being unkind but I would really like to understand those of you who are adamant this is an absolute no no. Especially a 7 year old

(assuming that person is kind, your child gets on well with them etc)

thewashfairy · 27/07/2012 08:49

totally agree with lechatnoir.
wishiwasonholiday surely you must have specific reasons to feel that way?
What are you so afraid of?

pigsinmud · 27/07/2012 08:57

Well I can understand the dil. My mil was going on about dc1 going to stay as soon as he was 18 months. I was not keen - at that point 2 hour drive away and now 3.5 hours. Plus the fact she is barking mad....tried to feed pesto sauce out of a jar to dc when he was 9 months (at any age this is wrong obviously!) and various other crazy things. Didn't help when dh made comments like " Goodness knows how I made it through childhood!".

She went on about it so much that it started to really niggle and I dug my heels in about it - childish, yes, but i didn't understand why she was so obsessed with the idea.

If dil doesn't want you to have your gd for the night, well that's the end of it. Just enjoy the time you have with her - what is so crucial about the overnight bit? Take her out for the day and have a good time.

Margerykemp · 27/07/2012 08:58

Can't believe how pfb people are!

This is going to be such a warped generation growing up.

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 09:01

thewash yes, but some of us also have good reason.

My mother introduced a convicted child sex offender to our family. She started going out with him and he told her when he moved in with her 6 weeks later. In the end, it was actually her behaviour rather than his that alerted us to there being an issue. It transpired that she was just trying to prove to him that she trusted him. And was using my children to do so. We didn't ever allow any of her absurd plans to come to fruition, but boy have we paid for it over the years in abusive emails, text messages and emails! We told her when we found out that we no longer want contact with her or him. She's now started posting abusive notes through the door. Which means she's coming up to the house. When she posted the last one she missed bumping into my son by about 5 mins.

My MIL shouts (we don't); smacks (we don't); swears like a trooper in front of the children (we don't); lets them eat what they want when they want rather than providing meals for them; and when she suggests they do something and they say "we're not allowed" she pressurises them into doing it anyway. So much so that they've both said they don't want to stop over night with her because it puts them in an awkward position. There are other things, but I'm not going to bore you with them now! We've told her about the shouting/smacking but she just says "her house, her rules" and if the children 'deserve' it they'll get smacked. She smacks her other grandchildren.

I don't think I'm particularly precious about them! But I don't want them in close proximity to a child sex offender and I don't want them being smacked.

Quite simple really.

Whenever people advise or respond on these threads, they're only ever going to do so from their own experience.

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 09:05

Just to make it clear, SS have told us that if it came to their attention that the children were having any kind of unsupervised contact with my mum or any contact at all with him then they would open a Section 47 enquiry and we'd be subject of a child protection investigation.

Given that I'm a teacher and my husband works with vulnerable adults, her making these sorts of unallowed contacts is worrying for us professionally too!

We can really do without being the subjects of another safeguarding alert because of her!

thewashfairy · 27/07/2012 09:06

folkgirl I did say 'providing we are dealing with normally functioning adults here on both sides'....

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 09:07

Tbf, you did.

I was just taking the opportunity to vent! Grin

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 09:08

However, we only have the OP's word for it that she is a "normally functioning adult" and we don't even really have that since she hasn't been back since her first post!

firawla · 27/07/2012 09:15

thewash thing is, you might think people are normally functioning parents/grandparents, and they look absolutely normal but certain people within the family may know things that make them want to never send their kids to stay over. everyone might be just thinking 'oh, this mum is so pfb and possessive of the child' but im sure in most cases its done with childs best interests at heart.

my mum is desperate to have my dc over. it will never happen. i have very good reasons but people dont know them and i wouldnt even write it on here, but doesnt mean i dont have my very valid reasons

those who have a good relationship with the grandparents and able to do this, why not be happy about it rather than judging others and ffs a warped generation growing up, just because many parents wont happily just send their dc off to stay with people who are unsuitable? sure..

hairytale · 27/07/2012 09:15

The thing is we haven't heard the dil perspective.

What if the mil is mentally ill, a smoker, had abused te son in some way, has openly criticised the dil?

We simply don't know what the dil reasons are.

hairytale · 27/07/2012 09:17

Cross posts!

diddl · 27/07/2012 09:21

I never stayed with my GPs & so it´s something that never occurred to me for mine to do.

Maybe as an emergency or if we were going out I might have thought of it, but as a regular thing-no.

But we did live away so when we visited we all stayed over.

I think for some it´s a usual thing to do, for others it isn´t.

I don´t think that there is a right or wrong.

thebody · 27/07/2012 09:45

Agree diddle, mine have never stayed with gps and i had fantastic pil, loved them to bits and mine are ok as well but no we never left our kids with them.

Ours did sleepovers at friends from age of 6, no younger as think kids need to be able to vocalise before being left with other adults.

If that makes us wierd the so be it.

Personal choice. Your kids your rules.

Ours seem to have grown up ok as well.

bignutbrownhair · 27/07/2012 09:48

DS first stayed over at my parents when he was 4 months and has done so several times since (he is nearly one now). My parents are absolutely smitten with him and it gives them such a lot of joy having him over. He loves them as well. I am so looking forward to seeing that relationship blossom as he gets older. I LOVED going to stay at my grandparents and I hope that DS will as well.

My MIL has also looked after him a few times although she lives about 150 miles away so he has never stayed over there.

I think it is sad that so many grandparents and children will never experience that because the parents of the child are too precious to even allow their kids to stay ONE NIGHT with their own grandparents.

I am shocked at this thread.