I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

Argh I didnt even read all of first page, AND IM ALL BY MYSELF TONIGHT (dp is a squaddie frigging olympics) the lights will be on all night now thanks to that thread.
You are brave folk girl.

EllenParsons It does sound like a very common problem to which I doubt there will be common solution.

YABU

yabnu to ask or offer, but you are the grandparent not the parent, so it is not your decision. They do not have to give you a reason. I can tthink of a million potential ones.

lovebunny that has got to be the first post of yours that made me go, hell yes i totally agree .

fwiw only one of my children has ever stayed overnight at a gp's house yet all of them feel equally as valued and equally loved not sleeping over shouldnt mean not loved as much.

dc who has stayed over has done so at both gp's not just my parents but since that dc was born i have grown a backbone and not just given in when i disagree because the gp's were the grown ups.the others havent (without me/other parent but have with ) because there are many many reasons that i dont want them to i would never say why to them for three reasons.

1.i would hurt feelings

1. i would just get 'the look' followed by i have raised xyz ammount of children you know

1. an explanation implys justification or needing to justify, i do not need to justify my decisions to gp's because i am the adult in charge.this means i get to make the rules.

the gp's baby sit(if they want) but in my home and not at meal times they have outings ect they are very welcome to join my family on many occasions,but they are not welcome under any circumstances to undertake any parental duties such as meal times, bed times, school drop off collections,medical appoints. they are visitors who are very much loved but thats it.

Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in...

It's getting tense now!

We've had "I'm home" and now here it comes....

Socknickingpixie 3. an explanation implys justification or needing to justify, i do not need to justify my decisions to gp's because i am the adult in charge.that means i get to make the rules. Erm what about their dad???

You are definatly a martyr if your the one person in the world who is allowed to make meals for your dc. Guess they have never ever had a take away made by someone else then, what is wrong with GP taking them out for a meal? or going to grannys for tea?

All the posters who have posted they do not get the mother and son thing that there explains it all, what aload of bullshit psshhtt.

My IL's are very keen to have DD all to themselves. DH and I won't let her stay over for a variety of reasons - I don't think we'd ever say why as we wouldn't want to upset or offend them.

The more they ask and push the issue, the more we want to back away from them.

I haven't read everything, but I am a bit over 3 being too young.

My eldest has had overnight stays at not only Grandparents houses, but his Aunts since, well, as long as I can remember. It was definitely before he turned 2 anyway. And once was when I had to travel 100 miles to go to my Dads funeral and because of the coach times, had to stay overnight. He loved it, and still does. He has a fantastic relationship with everyone within the family, both sides. Mainly the in laws as they live much closer so have more opportunities.

And shoot me now, my youngest has been having overnight stays with his brother at their Aunties or Nans since he was about 6 months old. Neither appear damaged, and both love it as they get spoilt rotten.

Obviously if you (general you) feel it is too young for your (general your) DC, then fair dos. That is your opinion. But it is insulting to read it like it is being stated as fact, and that you therefore must care more and can't bare to be apart meaning the likes of me, who allows my kids to stay overnight, can't possibly feel the same. Staying for one night, every 2-3 months at a relatives isn't a big deal for me and gives me and DP some us time. First few times with both, yes, I was forever checking they was ok and surprisingly, they was.

OP, I would tell your friend to try not to take it personally. There are probably many other perfectly reasonable explanations which will explain why the DIL is against it. Give it time.

Haven't read all of the posts but I think 3 might be a bit young too, my kids have only done one night at their grandparents, frankly they haven't offered again, the early start was too much i think! also it may be something to do with setting a precedent - perhaps she's worried that her parents will feel obliged or want to do the same?

In addition, if the grandparents are going to be near the parents and not at their own house, where is it they are proposing to stay? If a hotel or someone else's house that the child or I wasn't familiar with I'd say no too.

From my point of view i wouldn't see it as a problem. Though it depends on their relationship/ distance etc

My DS has stayed over at both GP's since about 18mths old. For him I think it has 'done him the world of good' as in helped to make him more sociable and accept different situations as he's naturally shy and clingy.

He adjusts well and loves it. Between the 4 houses (mine, his dads, both GP) he has different day/bedtime routines but doesn't affect the way he sleeps or acts at the others. Though he does sleep in longer at GP.

As for nappies etc, both GP have brought up and potty trained 2 kids each so know what is involved and it's not a problem. In fact I think they like being involved at that stage of his development.

Maybe this is because hes the first grandchild for both so it's a novelty.

Was the "second best" comment to me? For one, my PIL's are 20 odd years older than my DPs. There are health issues which mean they would in reality find it difficult, even though they like the idea. They stay at ours, and I see them struggle even then.

inneedofbrandy

both the respective dads compleatly agree with me.and they also defer to my judgement with regard to most maters as i am the parent with day to day care.all bar one of my not baby age children have autisum,my way works, my way makes sure meltdowns are significantly reduced, my way constantly risk checks and minimises issues.

yes they have all had takeaways we often go to eat out either with gp's or without. the thing that is wrong with gp's taking them out for a meal alone or having tea at grannies is they have several foods that they are unable to eat and for some reason the gp's always insist that this is not how it should be and practicly force forbidden items down there throat.leading to several issues.if i am there or dad is we can both ask and check ingrediants and we both were there the last time one of the gp's decided that we were just being silly.its etched in our brains and will never be forgotten.

these reasons are just some of the many for deciding whats ok and what isant, and yes the dads are compleatly onboard as they understand that these rules make it easyer for them to deal with the childrens differculties they also help with their interaction with dc's and help them enjoy being a dad rather than feeling out of depth or megga stressed and the older childrens dad has made a point of attending health support sessions with me to understand more about the dc's and why what works does.

My 5mo dd has slept at my mums and mils a couple of times each.

I don't get it really. I love my dd, they love my dd, sharing the joy that she brings and that she enjoys too is a good thing IMO. I love watching relationships develop.

It doesn't mean I love her any less or she loves me any less

Socknickingpixie I am sure if the dgd had autism it would of been mentioned in post as would be a genuine reason why sleepovers would not be viable.

I don't think 3 is too young, generally.

100miles is too far, though.

The DIL said no so the only acceptable reply would be for the MIL to tell the DIL that when the time is right she would love to treat her GD when her DIL feels it is the right time.

I think it is rude to ask the DIL for a reason. She should have that conversation with her son.

Not read every response but I think the il bit is key. I might let dd stay with my parents but not my il. Also we've worked hard to get her to where she is as an ok sleeper and one badly managed night could ruin it.

Also maybe dil has own reasons. My dd had an episode as a small baby where she nearly died (while we were still in hospital). All was ok in end but I only want her to sleep in the room next to me as I have, or believe I have, the supersonic hearing of a mother that means I wake at the slightest twitch. My ils don't know this - we didn't tell them at the time as lots was going on and it was too complicated plus they don't always get things.

Also could be so many reasons. My ils have a cat and let it sniff all the food which turns my stomach. My dp's house always has heating on and windows shut even in summer. Etc

inneedofbrandy I didn't say the relevant children in the op did,I told you mine do in response to your quote from my post,and asking what about dad and calling me a martyr.
I was under the impression that you were getting your knickers in a twist with regard to my actual situation,
But then that just goes to show that there may be many reasons why people don't want dc's to stay with gp's some obvious and some not.
Fwiw autism shouldn't need to mean they can't stay over but pisspoor attitudes towards it such as "in my day that didn't exist" or refusing to make adaptations when essential,trying to force a child to be like a nt child to the point of extream distress do make it mean that.
I'm certain that if a gp was more than happy to pay regard to your views as a parent didn't have a significantly different parenting style,had done a very good job with what ever parent they had been responsible for,didn't attempt to override parents and understood that what the parents say goes as well as having no actual proper issues as people then most parents would be more than happy for that type of arangement.however I expect the ones that are not ok with it quite probably have legit reasons to not be

It's the sil/desk decision BUT I am dumbfounded the number of poster who think 3 is too young/ won't let dcs stay with grandparents 'just because'

Did none of you stay with your grandparents?
My dcs have stayed overnight regularly with my parents from 6 monthish. And they take them on holiday for a week every year

I don't get it

It takes a village an'all that

If I've understood correctly, the gm would go to DIL's, take child out and then stay somewhere in th vicinity? I.e. not at GM's house. This I would not allow. I would not want my child to be staying the night with someone she's never stayed the night with before at a place she's never been to before.

I avoided leaving DS with mil until I was given a city break for my birthday. (now I'm wondering if it was just a way for them to get DS for the night!) DS was nearly 2, he had been looked after by MIL for one day a week whilst I worked for the previous 6 months and he had been to their house several times with us. I still insisted that we have a trial run before we went. So we all stayed at MIL's (too far for a true trial run) DH and I went out in the evening and came back late so they did the whole bed etc. If that hadn't gone smoothly then I would have postponed our trip.

If MIL had kept pushing it and had told me that it would do him a world of good, then I would have more than likely have said no because that to me is a criticism of my parenting rather than wanting to do something for me or my child. I would say ask her son why not and say the offer is still open, she could also babysit once at their place or at hers once and let her son and dil go out for the evening but then leave it for a while at least.

YABU to want to do this.

YABU to think your DIL owes you any sort of an explanation for not wanting to do this.

YABU to be hurt.

This is her child. She is not obliged to share her with anyone, even you, for a night if she doesn't want to. There is no pressing reason why the GD should be with you for a night. It is a big step for both the DIL and for the GD
and you shouldn't assume there is malice towards you in the refusal.

I hope you haven't pestered the DIL over this or made overtures to the GD over the DIL's head. Nobody should feel guilted or pressured into getting a child to give it a try just in order to keep someone else from feeling hurt or to appease them. You should allow the DIL to go with her feelings on this and not press the matter.

As a compromise, would you like to suggest babysitting the GD in her own home one night and allowing her parents to go out and enjoy themselves for an evening?

IMO 3 is extremely young for a child to sleep anywhere but at home. None of mine would have done it willingly. I do recognise that children are very different however, and some would cheerfully wave goodbye to mum and have a nice time at granny's.

I had to send DD1 and DS, aged 6 and 3 at the time, to their grandparents' twice in one year in order to attend funerals in another country, and I still regret not just taking them with me. They did not settle for the few days and DS in particular took a long time to get over it. They went on sleepovers to friends as they grew older and if they were comfortable with the idea (it took DS until he was 13).

YABU, why would it do the child 'a world of good', that is a really strange phrase to have chosen tbh, it sounds as though Granny doesn't agree with something Mum is doing/not doing with the child, and that perhaps there are underlying family issues that are not being discussed. Additionally I notice the phrase..'as good as gold when she is with granny' - which to my mind would further suggest some more issues which are not being mentioned here.
Dowager's hump does have a point though.

I never stayed with my grandparents alone.
When we visited we went with my parents and they took care of us, including bath time, putting to bed, seeing that we were dressed in the morning. The grannies cooked and washed up, provided fresh towels, made sure we had clean sheets on our beds and washed the sheets when we were gone. We chatted and had fun during the days and I hope they enjoyed our company as much as they seemed to.

My maternal grandparents had 8 children and my paternal grandparents had 11. The last thing they wanted after an innings like that was grandchildren keeping them up at night during their well earned rest from all of that.

Socknickingpixie -- a loud Amen to that.

Inneedofbrandy -- some babies are breastfed and that often rules out leaving with other people unless the mother is willing and able to go to a great deal of preparation, expressing, introducing the baby to the bottle, etc., and go through a great deal of soreness herself for the sake of her 'night off' or to humour someone who wants to play house with her baby.