Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

892 replies

redyam · 26/07/2012 21:47

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

OP posts:
Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:36

LaQueen
But, if your family are dependable, and genuinely want to take care of your child, from time...it's such a sad shame when parents won't allow it.

I don't know any cases like that though clearly you do as your Aunt would fit that. I agree in that case would be sad especially as the DC get older and more independent.

Most people I know have genuine concerns when they avoid leaving the DC with certain family members.

These concerns can also sometime be about the grandparents health - I know one older mother whose mother was 80 and frail but instead she'd cope with a baby then a toddler and was quite hurt by her DD declining her offers.

OP only really has her friends version of events - so its not clear if there is an issue or not and the the DC is 3 which is still young and things might be happening there with toilet training they don't want disrupting. Who knows - in a year of two the parents might be biting the grandmother hand off.

Sabriel · 27/07/2012 17:36

I'm quite amazed that so many people are obsessed with overnight stays.

My eldest asked to go away on holiday with my parents and grandparents when she was 3. It wouldn't have occurred to either us or my parents to suggest it. My boys were considerably older before they stayed with GPs overnight and then only with their sister. DC5 has stayed with grandma overnight only because we both lived with grandma for 3 months so she already had her own bed etc there and grandma had her because I was ill.

I stayed alone with my mum's parents from about 6 yo. I only ever stayed one night with my dad's parents at the age of 11, because it wasn't something they were particularly interested in.

MIL had the children overnight when each of their brothers was born but moaned non-stop to anyone who'd listen about how much work it was and how tired she was. She hasn't had them since.

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:38

Raspberrysorbet Well if you were fucked up I doubt you would realise it Smile crazy people don't think they are crazy.
I think its really unhealthy actually to suffocate your precious children and does show big signs of anxiety disorders ie no MIL can push a pram even in a park. You are there mum and they will love you best even if you have the odd night off.

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hawaiiWave · 27/07/2012 17:40

I never even met one set of gp, hasn't done me any harm. They didn't get on with my parents, I don't feel I missed out as how can you miss what you don't know?

It's great if you gave a good relationship with gp but by no means essential, parents are the most important!

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:40

Im sure there is a martyrdom disorder....

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:41

I share your amazement Sabriel.

I think a lot of poster are assuming that saying no to babies overnight or 3 year olds means that overnights with grandparents will never happen.

I don't quiet get their logic but then we waited till DC were older.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:41

LaQueen I think some mothers get rather jealous tbh.

Shullbit · 27/07/2012 17:42

Well said LaQueen

My happiest, fondest memories from my childhood are mainly taken up by the holidays and trips I used to have with my Nan. Every year she would take me to the seaside, and I remember walking along the sea wall with her saying "Breathe in that sea air chuck, it will do you the world of good" and putting me on all the rides at the fun fair whilst she stood and watched me giggle my head off, taking me into the arcades etc. I LOVED it. Other fond memories included my Uncle taking me on bike rides to wherever and we would have a picnic, go back, order a pizza and play the likes of Monopoly, Scrabble etc whilst listening to Frasier/Friends/Father Ted and many others in the background, and we used to laugh our heads off together.

Best. Times. Ever. And I am so glad I had them both in my life. It broke my heart the day my Uncle died, as I had hoped he would have an amazing relationship with my boys just like we did.

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 27/07/2012 17:44

Xayide - I think those who disagree with the OP's friend's DIL have all indicated that if GPs are trustworthy, safety aware and fit etc. then there is no reason for a 3 year old not to stay over and many given many reasons why it's a nice thing.

But we aren't all going to agree are we?

I'm very glad I'm in the opposite position to the OP's friend though.

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:45

LaQueen -
My beef is about parents who are basically being selfish, and more than a little conceited...and don't want to share their DCs love with anyone else.

I get you beef - as that is not normal or healthy.

I'm saying IME its not a situation I've ever come across so I believe it is quite rare. It's also not clear from the OP that this is that kind of situation.

Salmotrutta · 27/07/2012 17:47

Your relative does sound like she's made her sons lives very stifled LeQueen - pretty sad really. Sad
Do they have wives/girlfriends?
How does she cope with that if they do?

Shullbit · 27/07/2012 17:48

The thing is, many parents will find any excuse to not allow overnight stays. They are hardly going to admit that it is just because they are being selfish and not putting the child first.

Raspberrysorbet · 27/07/2012 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 27/07/2012 17:51

I always wonder, what on earth does a grandparent think they can do for a grandchild overnight that they can't do on a visit?

What's the great draw of an overnight stay?

Sleepovers are a very recent thing - I wonder if any of these grandparents ever let their children sleepover with anyone else?

IMO 3 is way too young. If she wakes in the night she'll want her mum, not grandma. What's the rush?

SilkySmith · 27/07/2012 17:52

"Sleepovers are a very recent thing - I wonder if any of these grandparents ever let their children sleepover with anyone else?"

I never slept over at grandparent's houses without my parents, had sleepovers at playschool friends houses from a young age but never grandparents

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:52

Salmotrutta
is no reason for a 3 year old not to stay over and many given many reasons why it's a nice thing

For some 3 year old I can see it would be a good thing.

Others it may not be they that get upset by changes in routine, they may be in the middle of toilette training, still occasionally co sleep etc. I would have though the best people to judge the DC temperament and development and what best for them would be the DC parents.

My eldest would have fallen into this camp definitely at 3.

I wonder why the grandmother in this case doesn't trust their judgment in the matter and thinks its all about her?

Salmotrutta · 27/07/2012 17:54

Staying over at Gran and Grandad's is not a recent thing!
How on earth do you arrive at that conclusion?

I did it, my peers did it (1960s), my Mum and Dad did it (1930s) and probably their parents too Hmm

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:57

LeQueen How will she cope when they move out, I cannot help but think what about your life when you make your kids the whole of it. Poor children having such a burden.

Raspberrysorbet Are you tied up yet? I do think when it does come to parenting we all think our way is the right way.

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:57

Shullbit
The thing is, many parents will find any excuse to not allow overnight stays. They are hardly going to admit that it is just because they are being selfish and not putting the child first.

True. Just as some grandparents may be not be honest about their coping abilities or reasons why the DGC parents have reservations.

If the grandparents still see the DC regularly in the day and still has a relationship with them does overnight really matter?

bejeezus · 27/07/2012 17:58

Sleepovers aren't a recent thing at all! I practically lived at my gps houses when I was small, as did all my cousins....nearest memories!

I am not understanding at all the idea that kids are too young/might interfere with routine/might not settle/toilet training etc etc

The only reasons not to stay at gps is if safety is in doubt....or basically the mum doesn't want it to happen for no good reason

Salmotrutta · 27/07/2012 18:00

Thank you bejeezus - glad I'm not the only one to disagree with the "sleepovers being recent".

.... they just weren't called "sleepovers" in those days. You just went to Gran's house.