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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

892 replies

redyam · 26/07/2012 21:47

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

OP posts:
gotthemoononastick · 27/07/2012 16:26

This MIL also taught us that MIL must zip mouth and wear beige....lovely wise old lady.Am there now myself and the beige is easy!!!!

Liketochat1 · 27/07/2012 16:27

Anbu to want her to stay over or to feel hurt. I have never had a problem with my children staying with their grand parents. It's nice for the children, the grand parents and gives me a break. A child's relationship with their grandparents can be so special. I wouldn't want to deny my child that.

SilkySmith · 27/07/2012 16:28

DIL is not UR but should have given a reason to soften it a little as it was a nice offer

many many reasons why I wouldn't want my DS to go to either MIL or DM over night including:
he's potty training
he doesn't properly call you if he is upset at night, he wimpers, DH and I are sensitive to it and wake up and go to him, DM would need a rocket to wake her at night
Its just the wrong time

I've left DS with my mother when he was younger (and REALLY USED HIS LUNGS if he woke at night) and may do when he's older (when he's big enough to go and chuck a bucket of water over her if he needs her to wake in the night), but not at 3, nope

takeonboard · 27/07/2012 16:35

I wish my DS had a grandparent like you. A grandparent who even wanted to spend an afternoon with him would be great Sad

my parents when they were alive had him stay over regularly from 6 months old and they took him to so many places, he had lots of fun and created very special memories. Its a shame your DIL doesn't see the benefit to everyone of letting her DD stay with you.

gotthemoononastick · 27/07/2012 16:38

Don't know how my kids survived...dogs, dog-poo , ditto hyenas and warthogs on lawn, cats,snakes ,unpastuerised everything...the sun,(shudder.)No internet to google.Knew nothing.Learning fast and respect all rules as they learnt much more than Ill ever know.

Margerykemp · 27/07/2012 16:39

It tells a story about how much society has changed in the last 30 years how long this thread is.

NarkedRaspberry · 27/07/2012 16:45

I never stayed overnight at my grandparents (without at least one of my parents being there) until I was 5/6.

Salmotrutta · 27/07/2012 16:45

I agree Margery - GPs certainly seemed to have more contact when I was young.
Me and my siblings used to stay at my GPs etc. or they would come and look after us when Mum was in hospital having the next one etc.

I have fabulous memories of the stories my Grans told about their childhood and young lives. They passed so much of our family history on to us!

Shullbit · 27/07/2012 16:48

Not everyone is successful at breastfeeding. Or, they may not even choose to breastfeed. Or, they express enough in between visits and freeze it for at GP's.

Just because you breastfeed, does not mean you have to be permanently attached to the child. Many mothers return to work and continue breastfeeding. Yes, it's hard, but not impossible.

Born2bemild · 27/07/2012 16:56

We had much less contact, even though they were local.

jamdonut · 27/07/2012 17:01

I managed to breastfeed mornings and nightime,when I went back to work full-time, with formula bottles during the day for MIL or DH to give. It is possible. I had to work at it though, I wouldn't call myself an expert breastfeeder. But I found it dificult to express enough of my own milk to be used.

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:01

Salmotrutta
I'm still amazed that someone wasn't allowed to push their DGC's pram?
What on earth did the mum think was going to happen?

My MIL used to push the pram into the road with oncoming cars and stand on edge of curb as she normally would and not get why that wasn't a good idea. She would also instead of going through shop doors backwards with pushchair would just ram the pushchair into the doors to get them open - resulting in bruised DC legs - but more importantly she never learn and would do it again and again often joking about her inability to learn.

I'm not a complete bitch - I let her push the DC in the parks.

OP my eldest was 5 before she stopped over, her sibling were younger but with eldest there. They are close to them and they love the visits waiting hasn't interfered with bonding at all in our case.

Reason it was so long was IL attitude to safety - they'd disregard to point score or because they just didn't get it - as some horror stories from DH childhood suggests. Something slowly changed in their behavior and now they watch the DC very well. Plus now DC are vocal IL can't ignore their physical needs - wanting drinks, water, toilets ect that they did with younger DC.

I'm not sure the IL would now admit their previous comments and actions with safety.

Midgetm - my experience with breast pumps was not much came out, plus DC didn't like bottles or cups but would hold out for the breast plus disapproving comments lead us to think it wasn't impossible that ff would be introduced to show us it was better, and frankly supply and demand and issues that can occur if they mess up really aren't worth encountering unless you really have to.

OP best thing your friend can do is let them know the offer is there every every so often and wait the time will soon go.

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:08

Shullbit
Just because you breastfeed, does not mean you have to be permanently attached to the child. Many mothers return to work and continue breastfeeding. Yes, it's hard, but not impossible.

For work I'd find a way round bf - but for a overnight visit really why can't that wait a few years.

They can see them during the day with the mother, or between feeds or whole days if they feed only at night. What is the rush with overnight?

My IL saw they DC regularly when I bf they just didn't have them stop with them without us it would have been long physical journey from me and the bm and in our case there were other issues.

jennymac · 27/07/2012 17:09

I think it is a good idea for children to stay with grandparents occasionally from a young age as it helps to make them more independent. My two dc have had sleepovers with both sets of GPs from they were babies - it only happens once or twice a year but they love it and are always asking when they can do it again (they are 4 and 5). Some people on this site are overly precious of their little darlings. If you love and trust your parents and parents-in-law why wouldn't you? Not letting your children do this is like giving them the message there is something to be feared in staying with GPs.

Liketochat1 · 27/07/2012 17:15

Margery, I agree. It does show how much times have changed. When I was little I stayed with my grandmother almost every weekend and school holiday from a baby. Some of the happiest memories of my childhood.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:19
Shullbit · 27/07/2012 17:21

I, personally, am not saying there is a rush for an overnight stay. My reply was to those who are acting all shocked and baffled because they can't possibly send their DC to stay overnight as they breastfeed etc.

I was merely pointing out that it is possible still, and that not all manage or choose to breastfeed.

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shullbit · 27/07/2012 17:23

Thank you Inneedofabrandy, that was well needed Thanks

Xayide · 27/07/2012 17:25

I'm not sure it does show how times have changed. I think it shows different families do different things.

I stayed once with one lot of grandparents and twice with another during entire childhood and it didn't mark me as odd amongst my peer group.

My DC have already done more than that with their grandparents.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:26

The next generation is going to be so fucked up...

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raspberrysorbet · 27/07/2012 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raspberrysorbet · 27/07/2012 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/07/2012 17:35

Exactly LaQueen My mum loves taking them swimming and giving them midnight snacks in a tent, my nan loves playing schools with them and she has a dog, my sister likes taking them to the cinema and disney shop, my brother takes my son to rubgy. I feel with everyone in their lives it makes their lives so much happier and fullfilling and more love going around. In theory I could get a dog and make more effort to do the rest of those things but I would be worn out and I cant be arsed with all the work a dog involves, and a break from routine is good for them.