I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

Don't worry Rossetti, She will be absolutely fine.

innneed - makes you a lucky mum :) dd1 was ff and stopped night feeds at 14 weeks. DD2 on the other hand is bf and still feeds 3 times a night at 5 months .

I just get a bit suspicious when gps want to do things that are very parent like (night feeds etc). I think it's much more about them reliving things than the gc if I'm honest but then my MIL is like that to a relationship straining extent.

Thanks LaQueen, that's reassuring. I thought that given we live in another country to GPs it's more important than ever I ensure as strong a bond as possible between them and DC. Plus the GPs on both sides are young, fit, used to children, in fact my Mum works with young children. They have more toddler paraphernalia at their house than we do, and DC have their own room there. I thought I was lucky to have this, and should just grasp it, although of course I'll miss her a lot while she's away.

Rossetti I don't think it is too young and I am absolutely sure your DD will have a fantastic time

Snowballs, what a blast from the past! Feeling very Christmassy (in July!) now. Mind the weather is autumnal at best, where I am today!

I think it's much more like wanting to give my DD a break.

But I suppose we all interpret things GPs do in our own way.

This tread is raising my BP and I am pregnant so you must all stop it immediately.

Good reasons for not letting a child stay overnight - Breastfeeding or safety. although isn't that what breast pumps are for

Pretty much all of the others seem more like excuses not reasons. Let your children learn, let them build relationships, let GP's have the time they have doing what they like to do - spoiling their Grandchildren. It is harmless and I, for one, think it is a beautiful thing. My DD knows that MIL smells of Chanel. She knows this because she has snuggled up in bed with her many a time. I would never want to take this memory away from my DD, despite that sometimes MIL doesn't do exactly what I tell her with DD. She watches TV too much, goes to bed too late, behaves like a monster. Meh - so what, they love each other and I can put it all right when I get her home. And MIL won't be here for ever - and we will all miss her when she is gone. They have a great relationship because I haven't been scared of them spending time alone, despite her less than perfect childcare in my opinion DD has sometimes cried for me when she has been there, and then stopped. What she has learnt is that Mummy always comes back and that others can soothe her. This makes her more resilient. IMO this is healthy.

The vast majority of reasons given for not letting a child do this seem to be more about the mothers issues not the child's. Isn't it our jobs as mothers to put our issues to one side and do what is best for our children - wherever we can but not all the time as we aren't martyrs. The fact is children are lacking in resilience. Many studies prove this. New experiences are good for us all - 3 is not a baby, 3 is time to learn, explore and be themselves. Tying them to our apron strings all the time will not allow this to happen.

Very of all these babies sleeping through from a young age. DD never slept through until 3 and DS is keen to follow suit!

pommedechocolat - Not lucky it was hard work getting them in sleep routines, no matter how tired I was they had to have a bath and bottle and bed same time till it was established. and with your MIL let her get on with it every now and again you get a break shes happy your happy and baby most likely will not notice.

LaQueen Bad mums = happy non sleep deprived mums

Can I ask a question of those who wouldnt want their children to stay away - what is it exactly that you are uncomfortable about? Are you worried that the GPs will hurt your child? Are you worried that your child will have such a good time that they will not want to come home and see you? Are you worried that your DC will think that you do not love them because you have 'given them away' for a night? Genuine questions by the way.

I was able to let DS stay at 4 months because he was no longer being breastfed so that wasnt an issue. I think he was waking up for 1 feed by then, and my parents were happy to oblige for one night. I do understand that certainly isnt the sitatuation of some most parents (DS is a freakishly good sleeper), but by 3 years old things are totally different for most kids arent they?

I am most definitely with LeQueen on this one. I love that my DS has great, close relationships with my family, my friends, his Godparents. He thrives with different people who can shower him with affection because they can leave the washing etc to another day. He learns that different people have different rules and generally people are a lot more careful with him than I am LOL We are social beings.

My mum had my DS last night as I was working plus my two young nieces to stay because they wanted to. She is knackered but the kids had a fantastic time. Plus my DS is so tired from all the playing and walking she does with them that he has been sleeping on couch for the past hour...oh the peace

MidgetM although isn't that what breast pumps are for many mothers, myself included don't need the hassle of expressing and there is the risk of mastitis in mother plus BF babies who cosleep often feed little and often. I never woke for most night feeds as DC latched on themselves but I doubt my DPs would have been keen on getting up every hour to give an ounce of two oh EBM

Agree with LaQueen, your DD will be fine. I would happily let a 3yr old of mine stay a week with by PIL who live abroad. (I'll be so lucky!)

to Rossetti

Great post Midgetm

bignutbrownhair - with DS2, as I said up thread, it was was the fact that he wasn't ready. He liked going to GPs for the day but nighttimes just wouldn't have been okay for him. When we stayed for example where as DS1 would go staright to GPs for cuddles in the morning DS2 always came to our room first and made it clear he wanted us at night not them. I think it would have been a very stressful experience for everyone.

*straight

I let my DD go to PIL's on a regular basis for ling hours sometimes over night for 4.5 years.

In all that time she has not really bonded with PILS, and they have plenty of cash to spoil her - even little things like a cake and drink out - or local farm, they dont do anything with her - take her anywhere expcept park, I know alot of GP dont but we are v short of money, they have loads and one GC!

Pils are not just strict, I wouldnt mind so much if they were in an old fashiond mind your p's and q's way but are strict when it comes to thier precious house which they value far more than DH, me or DD.

I have come to realise that MIL does nothing except what she wants to do to please herself.

For instance her obsession with washing she was washing my DD - clothes - bath/ hair ect pretty much as soon as DD got there even if it was only a short 2- 3 hour visit.

She also complety ignored our routine, something I put up with for years. Asking her to do anything at all - for instance - when flu scare was about - she just thought we were being silly - and critical of her skills....

my DD would come back from thier house almost in a daze....yet came back from Db house - on a high bouncing round....

she is rarely keen to go there and was always unhappy about it - so after this time of giving PILs a chance - to have lots of quality regular time with her we have said ENOUGH.

there are hundreds of other issues....re dh and his DP and me and them - but we gave them a chance, it still wasnt enough for MIL she still acted like I was stopping her from seeing DD even though she had on average three times a month with her - usually 8am - to 8pm, and often over night....she still gavce DH a guilt trip...

It amazes me reading some of these posts just how a) lucky PILS have been in our case as they have been so horrid to me and DH< and b) how stupid we have been !!!

Needless to say - I am having DC2, and they dont know I am preggers, and wont know and as far as i am concerned wont know anything about this baby.

Its been a long road, and we did give them a chance but I am not going to go agaisnt my insticnts any longer.

I dont blame GP for asking, or for being hurt but there are clearly lots of other issues here that op isnt mentioning.

I'm still amazed that someone wasn't allowed to push their DGC's pram?

What on earth did the mum think was going to happen?

I know for a fact that our DGC will have great memories about us, their GPs, and if we die off early they will have lots to remember us by because we have had the chance to build a loving relationship with them.

Oddly enough, my DD trusts us to look after her children properly AND they have had stay-over visits with cousins too. They know they are part of a wide extended family.

Oh, and I'm not an old-fashioned Granny who insists on doing things my way.

I expect basic manners and no trashing the place but that's it.

I'm not an old fashioned granny either.

re pram, i wouldnt let my DF push pram un supervised as he is grealty reduced mobilty and has trouble walking and is in denial about it and what he can and cant do and what his limitations are.

The People's Friend!! Ha! My Gran used to get that.

bonds of love are forever.MIL had 3yr old son every Thursday afternoon to show off to friends and have fun.That little boy moved to London and never forgot her.Sent little luxuries to Africa until she died.Still remembers...their relationship...nothing to do with me.

my god! i had a little look at this thread last night and it was only on page 8

haven't been able to read through it all, but did the OP post back?

i agree that i don't understand why people think 3 is too young for a sleepover, my mum & auntie have had my DD occassionally overnight from 2 weeks old (bad mum?!)

i love my inlaws, but they won't be having DD overnight, simply because they have a very large dangerous breed dog and they are not in the best of health unfortunately. they do have her for days out when they feel up to it & are always welcome to come to our home and see her. they are very important people in DD's life.

My MIL gets the People's Friend Perhaps she was too busy reading it the one time I left her with DC1 while I had a shower and had to get out as he was screaming and I found him sitting on the floor next to her with a fat bleeding lip and her with no idea 1. that he was screaming or 2. why and 3. what had happened. She's lovely enough but just not that into my kids. She also doesn't get to push the buggy as she wouldn't notice if the child in it was 1. screaming, or 2. missing. She also tends to use it as a car-stopping device - you know, push the buggy into the road and hope the car coming spots it and stops so she can cross.

Now, I wouldn't tell her any of that, because it doesn't really matter if she isn't having DC overnight without me. But on the very unlikely chance that she did ask to have them, I'd say no and make something up