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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

892 replies

redyam · 26/07/2012 21:47

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

OP posts:
massivelyexcited · 27/07/2012 13:21

buggeration forgot i had namechanged for my other thead, now i ahve posted on this thead under both names!

lovebunny · 27/07/2012 13:57

i'm a grandma! i wouldn't dream of asking to keep the child all night - admittedly, she's tiny. i haven't even pushed her pram (except once for a minute) because her mum isn't comfortable with it. but i have done a little babysitting. i do what my daughter thinks is right and helpful, because the baby is hers, not mine. she is my baby, and her baby is hers. we do what mummy says. that's the rule.

bignutbrownhair · 27/07/2012 13:59

Why is your daughter not comfortable with you pushing her baby in the pram Lovebunny?
I just. dont. get. it.

usualsuspect · 27/07/2012 14:01

I really cannot believe that people won't let GPs push the bloody pram.

usualsuspect · 27/07/2012 14:02

It's crazy talk Grin

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 14:05

usual you don't fancy a couple of well behaved honourary grandchildren do you?

They're very well housetrained!

NarkedRaspberry · 27/07/2012 14:05

Not pushing the pram is Hmm unless you have mobility issues and she's worried you'll fall.

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/07/2012 14:06

I'm with you, Usual. Odd to be so precious (beyond the first few weeks) that even pushing the pram is deemed to be reserved for parents only

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 14:06

Or unless they use the pram as a means of stopping traffic...

bignutbrownhair · 27/07/2012 14:07

I would be gutted if my son were to grow up and have kids, and he didnt even trust me to push his baby's pram Sad

usualsuspect · 27/07/2012 14:07

Mind you, my DD had a fancy pram for DGS with swivel wheels, that I couldn't push in a straight line.

My DD just used to roll her eyes at me.

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/07/2012 14:08

But Folk, most grandparents don't do that...

diddl · 27/07/2012 14:13

I used to hate others pushing the pram-coz I loved doing it so much!

Neither MIL or my mum had to share-but they expected me to.

They had their turns & I wanted mineGrin

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 14:16

No I know they don't! Wink

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola · 27/07/2012 14:26

Not letting other people push a pram suggests really high levels of anxiety.

Imagine having to live with that sense of tension. A mother like that must be having a really really hard time adjusting to parenthood. And be pretty miserable and churned up inside.

I guess with lots of patience, support, love and consideration, it will pass and get better.

Disbelief, scoffing, sneering and making demands on that new mother would only make things a lot worse.

LibrariansMakeNovelLovers · 27/07/2012 14:27

Personally I think YABU - you have no idea of her reasons for saying no and the OP is obviously goingto be biased as she is a friend of the MIL.

My DC have all been wildly different. DS1 stayed at my parents' at 16 months (I was heavily pg with DC2 and last chance to go away for some time) and was okay with it. WE'd stayed lots with him though as he didn't sleep much and my mum used to look after him in the mornings just bringing him in to nurse so I go to sleep a bit. DS2 on the other hand was 4 before he stayed over as he just needed either DH or I and suffered from separation anxiety. He was the one in end who asked to stay. DD was three and a month but didn't stay on her own as such becuase she had her brothers there.

My parents don't leave them to cry and the younger two slept on mattresses on their floor for a long time. DD still does and DS2 now sleeps in my brother's old bed (it smells of him apparently). My parents also have no problem with the DC coming in for cuddles at 2am and staying there til they get up. My mum also doesn't feed them a load of junk when I'm not there.

MIL would be a completely different matter. She didn't bring DH up (his GM did), she smacks, feels that small children need naps and that if they refuse to take them the sensible thing to do is strap them into a pushchair til they fall asleep Hmm and thinks leaving them to CIO is completely fine. All things I disagree with and don't think she'd respect my wishes on.

Children are all different. I'm incredibly close to my GM (Paternal GM) and used to stay over at an early age but even with her I hated it til I got to about 5/6. I hated being away from the family home and my bed/own space (and how stupid - I'm feeling panicky and tearful thinking about it!) so not all children love spending the night away with GC especially at such a young age as three.

blisterpack · 27/07/2012 14:30

Not allowing to push the pram must be a joke surely? Or maybe the grandma is a speed demon who whizzes the newborn around at Olympic qualifying levels.

daytoday · 27/07/2012 14:32

Maybe the granddaughter doesn't want to?

What if the granddaughter says yes but then changes her mind and starts crying?

3 year olds are so young.

Why is there such a hurry for sleepovers? My son was happy to sleep over at grans at 3 but my daughter still wont. My kids don't 'love them.' they're alright. But being taken out for the day - that's much nicer.

We've had lot

daytoday · 27/07/2012 14:33

Sleepovers, that is. They don't love sleepovers.

usualsuspect · 27/07/2012 14:33

Maybe I should just perch my DCs on top of my zimmer frame and push them along

usualsuspect · 27/07/2012 14:34

DGC*

TroublesomeEx · 27/07/2012 14:35

Perhaps the mums who don't allow GPs to push the prams just like doing it themselves? Or feel like a bit of them is missing when they see someone else doing it?

I would never have stopped someone pushing the pram if they'd asked, but I did feel an unpleasant physical distance when even DH pushed it. I had to let him push the pram Grin but I wouldn't have had to let anyone else.

People are different. Some people like to have a break from the children, others don't. Some people are happy to hand over responsibilities to other people, others aren't. I don't think it makes either group the 'better' parents.

I wouldn't make myself feel deliberately uncomfortable or be pushed into allowing my children to do something I wasn't happy about them doing, just because somebody else wanted me to. (Except for their dad. Because he takes DD to see Disney on Ice and he wouldn't do if I had my way!)

Horses for courses and all that!

LaQueen · 27/07/2012 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunnyjo · 27/07/2012 14:40

LaQueen my DD didn't sleepover anywhere until she was 3.9 - that was HER choice. My parents tried to have her sleepover a few times before that and we were always called to pick her up by 8pm because she was upset. Now, she is 4.11 and has slept there maybe 15 times, but if she didn't want to for any reason I wouldn't force her to. She refused to sleep away for about 6mth, just after she turned 4, as I was rushed into hospital very ill when she was at my parents (then DS was admitted to hospital with suspected meningitis days later) and I think she got scared that someone was going to be in hospital if she stopped away. She has recently began sleeping at my parents again, but we waited until she asked. DS is 14mo and hasn't slept anywhere else yet.

DD bf until 27mth and DS still does. As neither took/takes a bottle I wouldn't have had them stop anywhere without me from so young and, to be honest, DS won't sleepover until he is weaned - it's not fair on DS or my parents.

Just because you were happy for your small baby to stop elsewhere doesn't mean that others should be, and it certainly doesn't mean they are either precious, insecure or egotistical Hmm.