I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

Well, what does she say when you tell her that you are not prepared to visit if the dog is allowed to be like that?

You have presumably told her straight?

Like I did when my MIL's yappy little terrier nipped at my DD ... she made sure the dog wasn't allowed in the room when we visited after that.

Ineed Absolutely! School camp/scout camp and the occasional sleepover with my brother are our only respite. It is lovely when it happens!

We are very excited about having my niece over to stop when she's old enough!

Especially your smoking cats

I'd be quite happy for DS to stay with his Auntie, who has a staffie, but who is trained and my Auntie respects that DS isn't massively keen.

I didn't mean pets per se. It's more down to attitudes towards things like this that I meant.

Yeah, but, no but, my cats only smoke at the patio door though usual.

And I never have to worry about the DGC standing in cat poo in our garden, because the cats poo in the neighbours garden.

... Everyone's happy! Except maybe the neighbours ...

Salmo - it isn't worth the fight with MIL. There are a whole host of reasons. I'm quite happy to stay there with the boys, but because of her attitudes towards things like this and how I know she feels about me, there is no way I'd leave them there to stay overnight.

At least this way, they get to see each other, but I can manage it a bit.

What I'm saying is that it is difficult to say if someone ISBU without fully knowing the relationships and the people.

If the GM is genuinely warm, lovely and caring and would respect her DILs wishes, then I agree that it is sad the GC doesn't get a stayover.

But maybe she has given her DIL reason to be reluctant. We just do not know.

My cat hates my DGS, he buggers off and hides under the bed until they have gone.

If she isn't giving you a reason, it is probably because she thinks the reason will offend you more than no reason at all. Like yes, she doesn't trust you with your gd. Possibly she is reasonable in that, we can't tell on here. Although your phrase "it will do her a world of good" rings alarm bells - like you think your gd needs time away from her parents because she is not getting everything she needs with them.

Do you babysit? Do you look after gd for an hour or two by yourself? Do you share the care of your gd when you're all together or do you just do the fun stuff? Perhaps you need to earn your DIL's trust gradually?

Perhaps you come across as very possessive, grabby, controlling? Why can't you have quality time with your gd when her parents are present? What would you do differently if they weren't there, and is that perhaps the problem?

Maybe you dressed the invitation up as "I'm doing you a huge favour" and so she said "no, thanks" because she didn't need the 'favour'? In which case you should ask again, and be more honest - that this would be them doing something for you.

Although I suspect the OP has gone ...

*I can cope with worried, clingy, wet beds, bad dreams, sickness.

I have done it all before, believe it or not.*

Exactly. Christ, this generation of parents really do think that they are the first ever to raise children dont they!

To all of you saying you wouldnt let your kids stay over, how will you feel when you have grandchildren and your children will not allow them to stay over, basically because they dont trust you not to seriously mess up your entire kid's life in the space of one night?

All those worried/cross mums of boys - I'm totally happy to let my MIL have my children over night, from when they were babies. She is a nice sensible human being who loves us all. OTOH, I wouldn't leave my children alone with my mum for 2 minutes.

YABU. If the parents have said no, then that is it really. Don't badger them anymore about it. You're only going to make it worse. It's fine to say that you are happy to have the child overnight. Whether they take you up on it is up to them really. I don't really understand a GP wanting to force a parent to give up their child for the night.

I have been in this position, not with grandparents but with DH's childless sister and the more badgering there was the more annoyed and stressed I became with the whole situation. Suffice to say it never happened and never will.

Actually my cats aren't to enamoured of our GC either - funny that

They shoot out of the door like greased lightening

or lightning - doing well today!

Why the necessity for a GP to have GC overnight???

Bignut - so regardless of whether the GM is actually quite scary, threatening and says some stuff that you just don't say to kids, that she automatically gets the right to have her GC stay overnight? No way.

"To all of you saying you wouldnt let your kids stay over, how will you feel when you have grandchildren and your children will not allow them to stay over, basically because they dont trust you not to seriously mess up your entire kid's life in the space of one night?"

Wouldn´t bother me at all that a GC couldn´t stay over-for whatever reason.

As long as I see them!

Haven't read all of the thread but have read a lot of comments saying 3 is too young for a sleepover and that they (the post writer ) would have been uncomfortable about it etc etc.

Really? I can find the raised eye emoticon on my iPad but my eyebrows are high up there believe me. Precious, much?

YANBU to want to have her, but that's kind of where it ends. If the parents (both parents) aren't happy for her to go, you don't really get a say.

Having said that:

• I don't understand the comment (up thread) along the lines of '3 is too young if she isn't used to it'.....?! Surely you do something for the first time at some point, and then you get used to it? So, no, I don't think 3 is too young.

• It looks as though this is the Ops (or the OPs friends') first GC. I'm pretty certain the parents will be more willing to accept sleepover invitations if/when they have more dcs.....

My 3 dcs all stayed with my MIL & my DPs from about 9 months, mainly so dh and I could run away for 24 hours, but they see it as a real treat and now (age 2, 4, 6) argue about whose turn it is to go where, next. It makes me really happy that they have such a great relationship with their GPs and that they really want to have their respective turns at staying over for some special 1:1 time.

"So the fact that she did an ok job raising her only slightly neurotic sons doesn't mean she is ok to have infant GC to stay."

Well yes-rhe fact that you could look after a baby 30+ yrs ago doesn´t always have a bearing, does it?

Besides which-it´s not what she did with her own child in the past that´s the issue-it´s how would she now be with her GC?

My youngest DC was only 10 when my DD had my first GC. I'm not quite in my dotage yet.

DD wasn't 10 when she had DGS My youngest DS was 10

usual i agree you sound great, but tbh it was never an option for my mil to have them when they were little she wouldnt have wanted to and certainly wouldnt have been up for nappy changes, possible wet beds and co-sleeping no way in a MILLION years, ditto my parents.

as i said my elder 3 now go and spend time at my parents and my mil's, generally one at a time and that is fine, they have a lovely time.

if people want to send their child to gparents thats fine, but it wouldnt work for everybody, not all children are the same and at 3 mine were too little, ds4 is just 4 and he wouldnt be happy staying overnight without either or dp their and my mil wouldnt be happy as he wears a pull up to bed. i think my parents would maybe have him now, tho they havent asked.

we dont live close enough (2hr drive) so we see them monthly/6weekly, for a day or they stay for a few days, this also means that when little they didnt know their grandparents well enough, which is a shame, but logistically its the way it is and we cant change that.

re my own future grandchildren, i have already said i will be happy to look after them if that is what their parents want, but i wont expect it, as long as i can visit myself and see them in the day etc i wouldnt expect to have them overnight, esp not when little, if the parents suggest it then great and i hope to have the kind of relationship where my child and their partner dont mind asking and know that they can rely on me to help out, but if for whatever reason they didnt want them staying overnight then that would be fine.

oh and despite not staying with their grandparents until they got older (and even now its not a regular occurance, once or twice a yr?) they stil have a good relationship with their grandparents, so its not an either or thing.

when i was little we lived abroad and didtn see grandparents for years at a time, when we did tho we still managed to have a good relationship and did so as we got older.