I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

We used to have a ball at my nan's. She used to bring me hot lemonade in bed because I didn't like hot milk.

They don't! A child is not a doll that people get to 'have a go' at bathing and putting to bed. Their care is the responsibility of their parents. One mother might be happy to have their 6 week old staying overnight with their ILS/parents. Another might not be happy with their 6 year old doing it. And it's their choice. There are plenty of ways to bond with a child without having them to stay overnight.

Threads like these remind me of those people whose family are desperate to take the baby out in it's pram on their own when it's small - it's more about them reliving their parenting years than anything positive for the child.

It depends on the people involved. I let my dc stay at my parents' but not my PIL's. My DH agrees with me. We don't dislike them, and they see the dc plenty, but they are 20 yrs older than my DP's, with health and house issues. It's not favouritism, just sensible. My dc also stay with my sisters, DH's don't offer, which is fine. I certainly don't care about a late night, or a bit if over feeding, but safety is different.

Quenelle DS asked for hot lemonade for breakfast this morning- offered hot chocolate- he didn't get it!

He does have lemonade occasionally as a treat. Apparently on his first day at playgroup he was offered milk or water and said ' no thankyou lemonade please'- the shame!

I agree with you on that seeker, and wouldn't ever get in the way of their relationship, I just can't trust her and I loathe the way she demands to have them. It is the only thing DH and I argue about, and he feels the same way as me.
Incidentally both DDs are staying there tonight! (with DH!)

Cashmere, tell your DS that my nan had no teeth. That might put him off a bit

Just read the whole thread.
I would LOVE to know a bit more about the OP OP's friend. How can we tell anything about a person from a short post with a 2nd hand account of a situation?

We have so little info to go by, and allot of people here have just tried to judge the situation according to what's normal with them.

I this
I that

That's why it's bordered on a bun fight in places. Of course we're all different and all in different situations.

This DIL the OP talks about - may well have a bloody good reason for saying no and not saying why. We don't know.

I think the best we can say to the OP OP's friend is "go gently". And ask to give us more info.

If the worst is true and the DIL is simply a nasty biatch, who is out to hurt the GM (and really, how likely is that in reality?) we still cant help without more info.

"I managed to bring 3 children up to adulthood, I'm sure I can cope with a grandchild overnight."

You´re probably right.

My ILs are fussy/nervous & didn´t inspire confidence unfortunately.

Although with us an overnight just didn´t arise.

But if no one wants to leave their GC overnight with you-what then?

I think it's weird that the op hasn't said what "the outing" is - it could be something highly unsuitable.
Also odd that people have taken it as MIL bashing - nowhere in the ops posts does it say that the granddaughter has stayed overnight with the DIL's parents.
Finally as many have said there could be a myriad of reasons why both the Son & DIL feel that their inlaws are unsuitable, dogs, smoking, attitudes to discipline/alcohol/safety are just the start.

Though I would (and have) let my dd's (5&3) stay with both my parents and my PIL I wouldn't be keen if it wasn't in their home or at my home tbh.

I have had my two dgs aged 5&3 overnight at their house and my dd would let me have them here. My DiL let her three DC stay here with us but they were older. It is impossible to say what is and is not OK for someone else but I do feel it is absolutely up to the parents.

DD was 3.9 before she stopped anywhere else (she stopped at my parents) and that was because I was giving birth to DS!

If the parents (one or both) don't feel comfortable with the idea of their DC having sleepovers, even with grandparents, then that is their prerogative. It really is a simple as that.

Why do you think it will do the child "the world of good"? That makes it sound like you think she isn't getting something she needs from her parents.

MY MIL gets on my nerves with the things she says and does, but I have never had a problem with leaving my kids with her..and she has had them when they were quite small.
Beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me,with all this "it would tear my heart out for my 3 year old to leave me overnight" type stuff.
The first time I left my (first) baby was at 4 months old when I went back to work full-time.It hurt,(there were tears) but I got over it and never looked back because I knew he was being cared for by a person who loved him as much as me (MIL). Admittedly she only lived 10 miles from me,en route to wher I worked at the time.
And she would have him (them, when the others were born) for overnighters from about 18 months old, to give me and their Dad some time together.
I got more upset at leaving DS1 at nursery for one whole day a week,when he was 3,with total strangers,than at his grandparents.
Maybe I don't have a problem with detaching myself from my children...does that mean I love them any less?
Actually, I find it harder now they are all teenagers and don't need me as much

Gosh - 13 pages now! And the OP has still not re-appeared.

I'm still of the opinion that 3 is not too young for an overnight stay.

And having had emergency situations where we had to "dump" a DC (or two) at parents/PIL it paid dividends with us that our two had stayed over before.

And I am glad our DD asks us to look after the DGC overnight sometimes.

The kids love it (3y and 1y) and so do we.

And no, we don't feel we are "entitled" but we do as seeker says have some moral rights as grandparents.

But not if we were abusive or dangerous in any way, obviously.

Jesus Christ no it does not! It will do a child the world of good to have time to bond and develop relationships with other relatives!

People are determined to turn every single little sentence into an implied criticism.

I would feel sorry for my dd if she didn't have that close of a relationship with my mum/ mil. She loves them so much and try love her.

I'm with dowager - if the child loves her GPs they'll probably LOVE staying the night. its all fun to a 3 year old!!!

i wouldn't let DS stay with my dad and his wife because he doesn't know them as well and they smoke... but with his maternal grandmother and paternal GPs, whom he adores, DS has stayed overnight with them from younger than 3... as a result he is very confident on overnight trips to cousins, uncles etc and really enjoys it. Its definitely mums who don't want to cut apron strings in my opinion - kids are fine with it! I remember being worried that DS would wake in the night the first time he stayed at his nans... guess what? he did wake up, was a bit upset at first... and then went back to sleep and was absolutely fine. he had, and always does have, a wonderful time being spoiled with attention by his GPs. So,unless there are actual reasons why DIL doesn't want to leave child there (i.e. reasons other than... she might miss me) YANBU at all in my opinion, however - its not worth making a fuss as it might cause an issue, mums do have for now but i would keep trying if i were you. Its a real shame if the child is missing out on quality time and memories of GPs because of an over protective mum....

and why anyone with a 3 year old wouldn't jump at the chance to go out all night on a massive bender and/or have a huge lie in the following day is beyond me.

wow i wrote that before realising it was a 13 pager... not sure what i've got myself into now...

Not read all the posts.

YANBU to ask
The DIL is NBU to say no.
The DS is BU for being a bit of a wimp and not getting involved. probably a wise move though

Are the GP's pet owners? Smokers? Bad drivers? 'givers' of too many sweets? Spoilers? Too strict?

3 is not too young for asleep over but it depends on the DC and what's the rush?

DS1 and DS2 have both stayed at my parents, from a young age too.

BUT they are local and the first few times were to allow me and DH to catch up on sleep (colicy baby). I am confident my own mum would follow my wishes (I had more when they were babies, I pass them over and run now!).

DSs haven't stayed at my PILs. They live 5 hour drive away, so from that point of view it isn't practical. And there are a whole host of other reasons - firstly that MIL smokes heavily and I've seen her smoke near her asthmatic GD (my niece). At least staying with them there, I can monitor it a bit, move DSs in a different room, air the room etc. That is the biggest reason. She is also quite dismissive of peoples preferences and I'm quite a relaxed mum about food, bed times etc, but I just don't feel confident that she'd follow any requests I asked.

Also, as a friend, you don't really know the mothers reason for declining the overnight stay.

So many variables here though ...

The GD - difficult sleeper, nightmares, very routiney etc?
The mum - nervous, dislike change, not interested in a 'night off'?
The GM - overbearing, dismissive, smoker, with pets?

What the hell has having pets got to do with anything?

My ILs have a huge German Shepherd. My DS has a fear of dogs. MIL thinks it is funny he isn't keen on dogs and again quite dismissive. Personally, I wouldn't feel confident that she wouldn't put him in a situation he would be uncomfy in. Part of the reason he has the fear is because they let him run amok and isn't trained, so very jumpy.

Well obviously if you have a pet or smoke - or both - you must never ever be allowed to have any children there usual.

Didn't you know that?

Because obviously, you will blow smoke all over the child and let the Big Dog worry it too.

But I realise that is a very personal, not general reason

I wouldn't let my children anywhere near your bad boy cats Salmo.