I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

My MIL is just the same and there are LOADS of reasons why I will not let my three yr old stay with her. My nine year old stays there once in a while and has from she was about seven.
I completely don't trust her, she doesn't listen to any of my requests, she doesn't put sun cream on for example and let her stay up till half nine when her bedtime is seven (not now she is nine but when she was about seven!). She is a very awkward and controlling lady, demands that we see her a lot more often than we want to and then has a huge meltdown (crying, foul ranting emails, long silences on the phone etc) when we don't do what she wants.
OP you need to think about your friends behaviour, does she think she knows better than the child's mother, or does she have a controlling attitude towards her? If so then she is being VU.
I keep trying with mine btw and have never stopped her seeing her GC!

I'm afraid I'd be guilty of this. I like my IL's, nice enough people, but no way will I be letting my 3 yr old stay overnight. They have dogs, which they don't see as an issue around children ( I do, one of them has gone for my DH in the past!) and my MIL is a feeder!!! All of her children are fat!!! And I mean really fat! DH has now lost the weight (eating a normal amount in our household) but still bears the scars (emotionally and man boobs bless him). God knows what crap she would feed her in my absence.

I know it sounds bad, as I'd have no problems at all with my own parents having my kids.

I never stayed overnight at either grandparents when I was a child - didn't think it was odd particularly, and don't think it made my relation with them any worse? I would say, I was always closer to my Mum's parents than my Dad's, but when I've asked around, that seems to mostly be the case anyways (as Mum's would rather go to their own mum than their partner's mum, unless of course issues with your own!)

Those Mum's who have grandchildren with both a son and a daughter - would you say that you feel differently about gc that your daughter gave birth to, than ones your daughter=in=law gave birth to? Just interested to see from the other side.

I'd be grateful too, believe me usual!

Yabu. It is fine to offer, but I think its the mothers prerogative to decline. My dc have never stayed over with gp.

What about whether the child doesn't want to stay without mum? How do you know what the child is like at night?my dc can go from happy, outgoing children during the day to quite worried and clingy at night. They will grow out of this, but I won't have them stay with gp or anyone else until I think they are ready. Why do you need to have them without their mum?

I really don't think that letting children stay up a bit later is a good enough reason to say no.

I can cope with worried, clingy, wet beds, bad dreams, sickness.

I have done it all before, believe it or not.

Usual - I agree gp may be able to cope, but perhaps its not fair on the dc if they are used to and want to have comfort from mum at night? I know I was like that as a child, until I was six or seven at least I liked to have mum or dad there if I woke in the night.

You've asked the question. You've been told no. But having introduced the idea the parents (both) can mull it over and maybe in time they will be happier with it.

3 is still quite young IMO. My parents had DS1 for 2 nights at just over 2 - one as a 'practice'; and one when I was in hospital having DD. Both times he didn't settle and woke them at 5am! We had very different ideas re bedtimes and co-sleeping - mum had a very old-fashioned view, we were quite relaxed. It made me uncomfortable to think that he would disrupt them and they would try to force him to go to sleep on his own in a bed when he wasn't used it.

DIL might be saying no because she feels uncomfortable but can't articulate why.

We've always been more than happy for our son has to stay at my mum's and MIL's. He's stayed over at each a few times since he was about 18mo.

But I think there's something about the way they offer/ask that makes you either comfortable with it or not. Our GPs made clear they would be happy to have DS overnight from whenever we felt comfortable with it, to help out if we needed babysitting, and it would be their pleasure to spend time with him.

But if you have said to your DIL that you 'want to have GD overnight...because it would do her good...etc' it could be coming across as pushy. Have you been quite vocal about the way GD has been brought up so far? Have you disagreed with any of your son/DIL's parenting views or methods?

Obviously I could be way off the mark but have seen plenty of DILs' (and daughters') threads on MN saying 'my mother/MIL keeps on about having DD overnight, she says it will 'do her good'. DD is only 3, I can't understand why it's so important to have her at such a young age. DD hasn't always been a good sleeper and MIL has always gone on about letting her CIO. I'm worried that she'll leave her to cry'... or whatever else you might have disagreed with her about...

And most of the replies are along the lines of 'She's your daughter, if you're not comfortable with this yet, and unless your DH feels strongly about it, just say no. No is a complete sentence you know.'

FolkGirl I feel very that you don't have a nice mum to dump the kids on. It is a lovely feeling of bliss to come home to a empty house for a few hours. Maybe you could do swaps with your brother in a few years get them ready for school camps and sleepovers ect.

BTW my mum was actually a crap mother controlling domineering ridiculously over strict at times but shes a great granny and alot more chilled out nowadays. Even when me and her have our massive falling outs think not speaking for up to a year at times, I still let her see the kids on her once a month weekend.

Also my nan smokes has a hairy dog and the kids live off pizza and fruit shoots and nestle milkshake. One night is not going to kill them or hurt them in anyway it gives them new experiences and a chance to be spoilt.

OI, REDYAM You can have any of my kids for a sleepover. Honorary Grandchildren they'll be.

Would gnaw own arm off for sane relatives that wanted any of DC to sleepover

I think I can count on one hand the number of occasions when (sane) relatives have babysat or even offered to babysit DC.

Have y'all noticed that OP disappeared like 50+ pages back, having given only bare minimum of details for you all to speculate on? We don't have a clue what her situation is, really.

No one in this scenario is being unreasonable.

However, I let my dcs, aged 4 months and 2 years stay overnight with one set of GPS and for five nights aged 9 months and 2 and a half with the other set. (I did not breasfeed.) Both sets however were really really good and hands on with children and enjoyed them too, as well as being pretty sensible about food, sleep and routines I had established. Each year for the first seven years of two children me and DH went off for a week's holiday alone whilst a set of gps had the kids at our house and the kids had a ball. As did the grandparents. I daresay there were a few more sweets eaten, a few extra treats and late nights (I didn't ask!), but hey ho for one week in a year I could live with that.

I guess it comes down to trust in the end.

Like many other posters here, I'd say No if asked by any set of grandparents if they could have the child at night. We have been to stay in people's houses as a family not not DS on his own. Also, DS gets excited and filled with sugary crap by his grandparents so they aren't the best people to try and get him into bed. He's 2 nearly 3 and needs his bedtime routine in the right order, and for now that includes mum and dad.

If your DiL said yes and DGD wouldn't get into bed for you / go to sleep / played you up, it could damage your relationship with her and leave her parents with a grumpy knackered child the next day. Not what any of you want.

Could you maybe plan something a little further ahead, maybe a night away just before she starts school in 12 months, then you all have something to work towards / look forward to.

usual there are loads more reasons, feeding the children food they are allergic to, trying to feed the baby crackers and grapes when she was about six months old, plus some really much more dangerous reasons, car crashes etc.

Yeah, one late night really is a complete disaster for a 3 year old, isn't it?

My grandchildren have often had me up at 6 I coped.

I even let them stay up late

FireOverBabylon yup a whole relationship damaged by one night of staying up later and being excited and crashing out somewhere down the line.

You would all love my nan she would put all your precious children to bed at half 6 no messing about and dont make her put her nanny face on! No complaints about staying up late then.

But then my grandchildren have also slept in bed with me, another no no on MN.

I suppose it boils down to trust,I'm glad my DD trusts me to look after her children.

Different strokes and all that.

seeker and usual I am not normally very controversial on here but I think you two might be a bit like some if the MILs who challenge their DILs, you just have a tone of entitlement to your posts.
hides behind sofa

Yeah ok then.

I think usualsuspect would be a great MIL tbh specially if I could dump and run too

It's not the grandmother's entitlement I'm talking about-it's the child's right to relationships which are different from its mother's. You may loathe your mil with a passion. Doesn't mean your child has to.

And, actually, I do think grandparents do have rights!

DD went to stay with her GP's for the first time at 9 months. It was so much harder for me than for her. But really it's been since she was around 2 ish that she's being going on a fairly frequent basis (every 2 months).

She loves going for all the reasons given....
Isn't that the whole point of going to stay at grandparents?
Staying up late, eating too many sweets, watching TV, doing all those things that you're not allowed to do at home. As long as they are loved and are safe I don't see what the big problem is?

My DD doesn't belong to me, she is part of a family and that includes GP's. I think it's really important that she has a good bond with them and has a relationship with them which is outside of me.

You can't control everything in your kids lives, it's about managing risks.

Different if the GP's are putting GC's in danger.

To be honest as much as my MIL grates on me (and has upset my friends and family at put wedding DSs christening etc etc by taking over... so it's not just me!). I do think if I was a SAHM I'd be happier with monthly overnighters. As it is I work 3 days a week and so the 4 days I get with my DS include the weekend. It is so true that they grow up fast and I want to cherish all of it.
I love my job but would have loved to have been at home till my children were at school.

I realise DH and I do have less 'us time' but I think its for a few short years and we are happy. When our children are 5 and 7 I think I'll welcome the chance to have time for us again and will be grateful for any grandparents or aunts/ uncles to babysit.

DS is very confident and not at all clingy, so I don't think he needs to practice being away from us either. He also gets loads of time alone with both sets during the day.