I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

But you don´t have to stay over to have a good relationship with your GPs, do you?

fir - there are doubtless people who have very good reasons to say no to particular family members and/or have very good reasons to be less trusting than most and no, no one is asking you to spill the beans on here.

But there are also a lot of people who seem to think that anyone other than themselves is somehow incapable of keeping their children safe and well. And I think that's a really unhealthy attitude and it does need to be challenged.

What if, god forbid, something happened to you? I'm a single parent so I have to consider worst case scenarios but if there was an accident or some kind of crisis that meant your children needed to go and stay with a friend or relative, wouldn't it be better if your child had already experienced that staying with someone else wasn't scary or terrible but could actually be quite fun?

I'm quite shocked at this thread too. It's a normal and natural thing to do amongst my circle of friends.

I often think I live in a parallel universe to MN.

True I guess. I think it just adds something to the relationship if the child gets the message that yes, these people can be trusted to look after you without mum and dad there. And why not let them stay over, it is like a little adventure for them, a new experience.

I suppose it is what you are used to, as I said I always used to stay over at my grandparents so I just think it is normal.

Sorry that last post was to diddl.

Mil is a nightmare and drinks a lot, fil and his partner are just too suffocating with them and when they used to look after ds1 when I was working he would come home covered in her lipstick as she kissed him all day, and my dad I just don't see him enough and they've never shown much interest in my kids so it's never happened, my brother has never had them as they always have an excuse (me and sil fell out the other day as I have my niece all the time both in the day and overnight if they want to go out but she wouldnt help me out for half an hour for an emergency appointment because shes pregnant and not feeling well (she's a drama queen and it's gonna be a long pregnancy!)

My friend had ds1 for a night when I had ds2 but she's away a lot, she has offered to have ds1 at her holiday home but it's 2 hours away so he always changes his mind at the last minute I would happily let him go though.

Just because it's what you do it's hardly 'shocking' if someone else doesn't.

My kids had a fantastic relationship with my pil and have a great relationship with my parents. Why the need to sleep over.

I like my own bed and my kids are the same really, why is that shocking or a parallel universe.

So funny.

"as I said I always used to stay over at my grandparents so I just think it is normal."

And some of us didn´t, & we think that that´s normal

I'm genuinely surprised at how many people on here wouldn't consider their DC staying over at the grandparents. Ie the people who managed to raise one or other of you to adulthood, presumably in most cases doing a decent job of it. So presumably able to cope in most cases with one three year old for one night.

DS has been staying with grandparents since he was very little, he's going to stay with my parents for a week later in the holidays, partly at his insistence.
It means he gets to do things with them while we're not around (which does give them a closer relationship) and also gives us time with DD without him around, which is good for us too.

What's not to like?

My mil talked about overnight stays as soon as DS was born.
He's now 2 and they kindly look after him 9 days a month, my mum does 3 (1 week of 4).

By the time I take A/L it works out less than this.

The thing is I miss DS when I work and MIL doesn't seem to grasp this.
Mil wants to give him dinner but I prefer us all to eat together. She does now give him a small dinner I've let it drop.
Mil wants to give him lunch, I prefer to send him with a varied lunch. ILs have very set diet (same things on same days) and also give lots of foods I wouldn't like those fruit 'sweets' and fruit pots for babies- I'd rather he had a piece of fruit.
Compromise- I send lunch 2/3 days.
Mil wants to have her own clothes for him (including 2nd hand wellies). I'd rather he wear his own clothes do send them through- but accept I can't control what he's dressed in.
Mil wants to have more 'days out' with us all- try to arrange but not as often as she'd like. I think this is tough as we need to see my family 80 miles away every 4-6 weeks, friends, do stuff around the house and have family time.

Anyway, MIL had DS overnight a couple of months ago as she kept asking and I couldn't keep thinking if reasons to decline. DH us happy for him to stay and she kept raising the fact that we 'need a break' with him.
As soon as she'd had him she proposed monthly overnighters. I have to say she us causing MINOR friction between myself and DH as he would be happy with this but I don't fancy it. I had DS as I wouldn't to be a Mum.

She suggested it again last weekend and I fell bullied/pressured in all honesty. She said it's not because she wants him but so we get time to ourselves'. Why not offer and then leave it as an option then.

He'll be staying there again v soon as I do have to consider DH too but I'm not happy!

yabu to push it with the mother imo but not to want to offer it.
i would not let my 3 yr old stay with anybody overnight yet for a few reasons but mainly due to the fact that i am still feeding her. when that stops (her choice) then it is all over :D she goes out with other people a lot during the day and is not remotely clingy or lacking confidence but it is my call to make as her mum. she has had a babysitter when i have been to the odd (rare) gig but that is it and i always come home after the gig to take her to bed.

Oh and I've booked an extra day off all through summer so DS will do
5-6 days a month with ILs.

Mil asked if they could have him on my days off- NO! I booked them off so we could have fun together over the summer (and work like me to use A/L over school holidays even though DH can't take that tome off)

Aesop- I fed DS till 23 months and that was when I had to relent to the overnighters! I'm pregnant again and aim to feed this baby till 2 as well!

or cashmere you could use it as your reason to say no to the "relentless" ;) milk supply and all that..

bignutbrownhair I agree I think alot of posters forget there pil or parents like their DGC.

Thankyou seeker exactly children are not their mothers possesions

usualsuspect I do the dump and run to my mum and nan as do 99% of my friends to theirs. MN is a whole other world.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a break from your precious children. If they have one night every now and again at grannys it will not stop them loving you ffs.

Yes families the other thing is that most Grandparents managed to raise children to adulthood - some people seem to think that they are just completely incapable! Obviously if they are very elderly or have drinking issues etc then that is different, but otherwise why do people completely underestimate their own parents so much?

Blimey, I'm feeling guilty now for letting 17 week old DS stay with PIL's for a night a few weeks ago!
MIL & FIL are lovely, have raised 3 great kids and looked after 7 older GC's so far so I was happy for him to go. I think it's good that he has a close bond with GP's and is happy to be around people other than me and DP. I would worry about school trips, scout camps etc. if he'd never been away from us before school age.

Little monkey slept through for them as well, he should go more often

I think it's a very personal thing, some parents are happy for their children to have overnight stays away from them and some are not happy until their children are older.

Why is this a focus for criticism?

Given the choice I would not have left my two at that age over night, other peoples parenting choices are nothing to do with me frankly.

So the parents in this case do not want to be parted from their child overnight just yet. OP's friend should let them get on with it. She offered they declined, why the big drama?

I am seriously about the overreaction to a phrase which has been around for yonks. Loads of times when I have called my Nan and said "Yes, we are taking DS to the seaside/zoo/park for the day", I remember her always saying "Oh wow, that will do him the world of good". No nastiness or criticism. Loads of people use that phrase when referring to a day out.

Some people are just adamant to see fault in everything.

I am leaving my 3yo twins with my mum tomorrow night, it will be their 3rd overnight at their house, everyone loves it.

But - they see my parents every week for a day while we are at work, and often for an afternoon with us on the weekends. I think visits every few weeks (especially if the parents are always around) don't create the same level of ease with each other at such a young age. I wouldn't leave them with my in-laws as they see them much less often (due to distance, not dis-interest) and I suspect would revert to strangers very quickly if they woke (as they regularly do) at night. For that reason I have also never had anyone other than my parents to babysit for even a few hours.

I fully intend to be sending them down to my in-laws for week long holidays in a few years.

I managed to bring 3 children up to adulthood, I'm sure I can cope with a grandchild overnight.

bignutbrownhair Your not allowed to say that on here! Apparently it is nothing to do with the PILs how well your DH and in laws turnt out because people with horrific abusive childhoods can make it out ok. Nope in fact do not bother parenting and teaching your child right from wrong and morals because its a waste of time.

Did your children stay overnight with GPs at 3? If so YANBU if not then YABU.

The inability of GPs to remember what being a mummy is like (rather than just making it all about the and pretending to be a surrogate mother) drives me nuts.

Her child, her rules.

I always assume that there are genuine reasons for parents when I read about it on here. I did make it to adulthood and I'm a reasonable person but I had a thoroughly miserable childhood and huge hangups now as a result and I wouldn't inflict that on my children for the sake of a night out.

OTOH, my brother is far from perfect. His first child has just been born and except for my children he has very little experience with them.

He's made a few mistakes over the years when he's been looking after mine, but only the sort of mistakes that loving parents/families make when they are learning to be parents. So it's never been held against him.

We've always believed that he has their best interests at heart. And he has.

He still does things we wouldn't do, but they are minor differences and we don't think they are wrong, just not the way we would do things.

I imagine that that is how most extended family members are and most parents regard them in the way we regard my brother.

I think that for parents to endure the hassle that saying "no" to grandparents creates, they must have good reasons for doing so, beyond silly issues like an extra biscuit or not buying organic.

If I thought my parents/in laws were capable, I'd let them babysit/have the children overnight in a heartbeat. I'm very keen on my children building relationships with other people other than just me and my husband. Unfortunately, our families have made this impossible.

I remember being grateful when someone had mine overnight.