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Original poster

To not think much of this guy

110 replies

Wiggypigs · 26/07/2012 08:06

A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and I am happy for her but really don't think much of the guy she is marrying. He has a 8? year old daughter from a previous relationship and he doesn't have anything to do with her. Maybe I am just being over sensitive but I just don't think that is on. My dad walked out on me and my sister when we were younger and I now have nothing to do with him. I know every situation is different but to me there is no excuse not to see your children. I think it really grates on me because my friend acts like he is the perfect man and talks about how she can't wait to have kids with him and blah blah blah. Maybe he should actually be a dad to the one he already has! Sorry has turned in to a bit of a rant.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 26/07/2012 08:10

Do you know why he doesn't see her? Do you know for sure it's his choice to not see her?

Have you actually spoken, like an adult, to your friend and/or her fiance about this and why he doesn't see her?

PeggyCarter · 26/07/2012 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JumpingThroughHoops · 26/07/2012 08:12

there is no excuse not to see your children

perhaps the mother is a mardy cow and makes access difficult?

Babylon1 · 26/07/2012 08:14

Judgey Pants on then?

How do you know he doesn't see her through his own choice?

JeezyPeeps · 26/07/2012 08:14

Oh there are very good reasons not to see your children. They are not the most common reasons, but they do exist.

Your friend obviously cares very much for this guy. Your feelings are not important, really. You may well be right, but there is nothing you can do except be there for her should it come to pass that you were.

flippinada · 26/07/2012 08:22

You're not being unreasonable to feel this way at all, however Jeezypeeps is right, it's your friends decision.

Interesting that people jump to the assumption that there must be a good reason.

Such as what?

Original poster
Wiggypigs · 26/07/2012 08:23

The daughter lives a few hours away hence why he doesn't see her. They went up to visit her once in the 4 years they have been together. I have asked but the subject gets changed. I'm not trying to be judgemental but I know what it is like to not have your dad in your life. I don't like my dad for not being there for me and don't want anything to do with him now but inside I feel devastated that I have missed out on the father daughter thing.

OP posts:
bucketbetty · 26/07/2012 08:29

Op I totally understand why you would feel this way. There is rarely a good reason not to have a relationship with your children, except of course his ex doesn't allow him to but even then there is the law. Strange that people responding so far are being so defensive because of course its so rare that a dad would desert his children.

JumpingThroughHoops · 26/07/2012 08:30

You are projecting your feeling about your childhood onto someone elses relationship.

She likes him. She's marrying him. She may be making a poor judgement but if you are really her friend, you won't voice any opinion, you'll just be there with the kleenex and sympathy after. On the other hand she may well be a very good judge of character and doesnt feel the need to discuss the ins and outs of her fiances personal life with you.

bucketbetty · 26/07/2012 08:33

Op, what kind of woman wants to be with a man who would do this? I would find it really hard to be friends with a woman who would find this acceptable.

StrandedBear · 26/07/2012 08:33

A good reason? Like what exactly? The ex makes it difficult? So friiggin what! You don't just give up, you go to court and fight tooth and nail, seriously? Any man that says 'the ex made it difficult so I stopped bothering' is a class a twat imo.

Tee2072 · 26/07/2012 08:33

My father is a shit bastard.

I would still support my friend in her decision to marry someone.

And be there to pick up the pieces if it fell apart.

On the other hand, if she's a really good friend, tell her how you feel. And damn the fallout, which will be you losing a friend and her marrying him anyway.

bucketbetty · 26/07/2012 08:35

Goodness lots of aggression towards the op. Is it really necessary?

Tee2072 · 26/07/2012 08:36

Yes. 100% necessary.

How about Passive Aggressive posts like yours. Are they necessary?

DialsMavis · 26/07/2012 08:40

I totally agree OP. Any decent human being, if denied access to their child would be able to show the bank account they out all the maintenance in every month to give the child when they do get contact and they would be able to show the lengths they are going to, to secure contact through the courts etc.

JeezyPeeps · 26/07/2012 08:40

A good reason - how about the ex disappeared with the child and despite a court order and hiring private detectives, she couldn't be traced?

That good enough strandedbear???

Because that's why my ex doesn't see his eldest.

bucketbetty · 26/07/2012 08:40

Tee your response says it all. Well done dear.

JumpingThroughHoops · 26/07/2012 08:52

I see enough posts on this forum advocating "can't the child have a random illness" when the mother doesnt want the father to have access for what ever reason.

We have friends who have had their lives made extremely difficult regarding access. One in particular, well the mother should have been sectioned, really she should have been removed from society in general, you wouldn't let her loose with a goldfish let alone a child. Long periods of restricting access, demanding more money from the father to allow access that weekend, phantom illnesses, sports events, her family events, outright refusal.

Then she would go the other way, what can only be described as dumping the child back with the father when she had a new BF - really it was all mind games on her part and this shit would all rear it's head if he ever was trying to establish a relationship.

I remember one time when she 'dumped' the child for a fortnight so she could go on holiday with her new beauknowing the father had to work, had no childcare so I ended up with him for 2 weeks.

Then she changed the childs name Confused, then instructed the child to call each new BF 'daddy' didn't matter how long they were sticking around.

So you see some women (and men too) make life very awkward for the NRP to maintain anything like a relationship, out of sheer bloody mindedness.

I'll give our friend his due: he stuck around, through what is now 16 years of her shit, never able to sustain another relationship because that woman would ensure she sabotaged every relationship he tried to build.

So, Op unless you are in possession of all the facts, it's best not to judge.

flippinada · 26/07/2012 09:19

Why mustn't OP judge? I think it's quite reasonable to make a judgement in these circumstances.

I don't think it's unreasonable to think that a man who doesn't see much of his children might not be such a great person. And she'll be worried about her friend too, that's natural.

fruitysummer · 26/07/2012 09:25

My DH doesn't see much of his daughter.

He's a great man.

It's her choice, not his. It's her loss.

I'd be livid if one of my friends made comment without finding out the facts first.

Callisto · 26/07/2012 09:28

Wow, I'm amazed at everyone assuming that there must be a good reason the father doesn't see his child.

OP, I don't think you're being U. I would think the same, and it would make me change my opinion of my friend too. Personally, I would ask her outright about it, and if there is no good reason (which, chances are there probably isn't) I would be pointing out that he is perfectly capable of deserting any children she may have with him too.

ErmaGerd · 26/07/2012 09:29

I think it's fair enough to judge, but bear in mind that there might be access issues that are being dealt with without your knowledge.

Stranded, I think your aggressive post is a little simplistic. A relative of mine has done all you suggest, but his ex still won't let him see his dc.
Sure, there are some twats around, but there is nothing the op has posted that makes me sure this is the case here.

Callisto · 26/07/2012 09:30

Fruity, at 8yo I doubt the daughter has had much choice in how much she sees her father. I would also question why a child would not want to see its father.

CouthyMow · 26/07/2012 09:35

I wouldn't date a bloke who had previous DC's and didn't see them/support them. If one of my friends was about to marry someone like that, I would a) have serious misgivings, as it shows a lot about who he is as a person, and b) think less of that friend, as I would feel HER morals were questionable, for being complicit in this.

flippinada · 26/07/2012 09:37

You and me both Callisto.