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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not think much of this guy

110 replies

Wiggypigs · 26/07/2012 08:06

A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and I am happy for her but really don't think much of the guy she is marrying. He has a 8? year old daughter from a previous relationship and he doesn't have anything to do with her. Maybe I am just being over sensitive but I just don't think that is on. My dad walked out on me and my sister when we were younger and I now have nothing to do with him. I know every situation is different but to me there is no excuse not to see your children. I think it really grates on me because my friend acts like he is the perfect man and talks about how she can't wait to have kids with him and blah blah blah. Maybe he should actually be a dad to the one he already has! Sorry has turned in to a bit of a rant.

OP posts:

JumpingThroughHoops · 29/07/2012 17:55

there is no excuse not to see your children

So Families Need Fathers and Fathers4Justice and all those other lobby groups were doing it for fun were they? Every dad in the land can see their child when they want, can they?

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 18:11

Ds is 13 and he doesn't see his father. His father moved away (hundreds of miles) when ds was 3. He'd visit every 18 months/2 years, but would rarely bother otherwise. In the 10 years since he moved away he's phoned ds about 4 times, written once and emailed about 7 times. The last time he came over (18 months ago) he saw ds for an hour as he had to rush off to his brothers for supper (ds is usually the last on the list), and ended up swearing at ds and shouting in his face. Ds didn't want to see him this time. Of course, he wouldn't have told his family what happened, it will all be my fault and because ds didn't want to see him he's stopped paying maintenance. I know he can't do this, I'm assuming they are now broke after his wife gave birth again at Christmas. Ds hasn't been told, I was sent a text when I asked for the maintenance to be increased so that I could pay for ds's physio and orthotic shoes.

I think you need to find out the facts before you jump to assumptions though OP. Time will tell, I wouldn't necessarily believe everything he says though as there's 2 sides to every story. There are, of course, other ways to contact your child.

slowestwildebeast · 29/07/2012 18:18

nobody is standing up for bad fathers but what about the other person who denies contact? Why should a man or woman have to go to court for access to their child?
If you don't like him fair enough but you've said you aren't close so why concern yourself?

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 18:19

It's hardly the mother denying contact if the child doesn't wish to see the other parent.

Zealey · 29/07/2012 18:24

@LadySybileChocolate - yes true, but it's not that simple is it? If the mother hates the father and poisons a child's mind against the father then of COURSE the child won't wish to see the other parents. Children believe what they are told, they aren't all Agony Aunts/Uncles perceptive.

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 18:29

I think it's more likely that a feckless father hasn't bothered to maintain a relationship with his child then a mother poisoning a child's mind. Not all single mothers brainwash their children like this. Any responsible parent stands and watches as their feckless father doesn't bother to contact them, and supports them when they decide that they want better then this.

Zealey · 29/07/2012 18:35

@LadySiblineChocolate. Wow, sounds like you got burned bad. Don't hate all men though, learn to get over it and be objective in answering posts rather than knee-jerk subjective :)

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 18:48

No, not at all. I consider it a lucky escape. I had to do the right thing for ds though, which was to encourage him to have a relationship with his father until the day came when he decided that he didn't want to. It was never my place to make this decision for him. I'm being objective, I did say there's 2 sides to every story.

Zealey · 29/07/2012 18:57

@ladysibillechocolate Sure. But young kids are like sponges sucking up emotion. Not what we SAY in words to them, but what our EMOTIONAL selves are REVEALING to them. Don't you think that your DS was picking up all the bad vibes each time you saw your ex or talked to him on the phone? The body language, your mindset and cognitive dissonance after? So OF COURSE your DS will choose not to have a relationship with dad after all that subliminal conditioning. How could he? He knew on a child-like understanding of emotional language it would disappoint you after the sacrifices you made just you and him, etc...

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 19:01

Or then again, he could be too afraid/intimidated of a father who shouted in his face and told him to 'fuck off'. It's not necessarily the mother's fault that the child doesn't wish to see the other parent (and as I said above, he rarely phones).

Zealey · 29/07/2012 19:06

@ladysybilbechocolate. Oh well, if you're talking emotional abuse by the dad, then that's a whole different kettle. Well done for leaving.

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 19:11

Ds has not seen his father unsupervised for the past 10 years, and this is why. It was not my place to tell ds what his father is like. Other mothers will do things differently and cut off contact all together, it is easier in a way. Sometimes doing what's in the child's best interests is very hard, it doesn't mean we're all brainwashing our children though.

Zealey · 29/07/2012 19:15

@ladysybilbechocolate. No of course not, that wasn't what I was saying. What I was saying is YOUR personal experience may have clouded your judgement when replying to a poster whose basic situation may have sounded similar. It doesn't mean the background story is identical though...

LadySybildeChocolate · 29/07/2012 19:20

My first post (up there, somewhere) did say that there's 2 sides to a story. Maybe my judgement was clouded and I didn't express this as well as I could have done. I think a lot of people on here use their own experiences when posting though.

whackamole · 29/07/2012 19:20

I couldn't be in a relationship with a man that had a child and didn't see him - but you are not. She is. There are (possibly) mitigating circumstances that she doesn't want to talk about.

YANBU to feel this way because of your background, but really, try and give the benefit of the doubt that he has tried, until you know any better.

I am a stepmum, luckily we have a fairly good relationship with DSS' mum, but we have had our problems. I try very hard not to talk about them to other people, it's not their business and it really, really hurts to be kept away from a child you care about.

Vinomum · 29/07/2012 19:39

YANBU. My parents split up when I was 13 and I haven't seen my father since then. A couple of years later he married another woman. I always wondered how on earth his new wife could marry him knowing that he had 3 small children living 20 miles away and never saw them nor paid them a penny in maintenance. Of course this kind of thing has a massive impact on your life and cause you in your adult life to judge people that do this, you've seen what it does and the damage it causes. I'm a firm believer in fate though - 3 years after marrying the new woman, and having two kids with her, he walked out on her and - guess what? Doesn't have contact with the children he had with her either. Your friend is taking a big risk, if he's done it once he can, and probably will, do it again. not much you can do about it though but I understand why you feel the way you do.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/07/2012 19:55

I couldn't be friends with someone who would marry a man that didn't see his own children, I'd just lose too much respect for her and you can't be friends with someone you have no respect for. That doesn't come from any personal experience, inky mind it's no different from not wanting to be friends with someone who was racist or homophobic.

YANBU.

slowestwildebeast · 29/07/2012 20:22

I wouldn't want someone so judgemental being my friend.
I have no respect for people who judge others without all the facts. It is absolutely not the same as being racist etc.
Op says she doesn"t like him. That's fair enough. He might not like her.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/07/2012 20:28

There are some things it's ok to be judgemental about.

Not seeing your children when you could if you wanted to is one of them.

slowestwildebeast · 29/07/2012 20:42

that's different. We don't know the whole story. It's not her friend that's not seeing her children or stopping him so why take it out on her?

auschopper · 29/07/2012 20:47

YABU : And I will tell you why...

Firstly, what right do you have to judge from the outside without actually being in that situation... It kind of sounds like this bloke is in a similar situation to myself, where I want to be a part of my son's life.. but at every opportunity he is used as a blackmailing tool. If you don't buy me a new house, you won't see your son, if you don't buy me a new car, you won't see your son. If you don't do this, and you don't do that, you won't see your son.

I went to court, only to find out, that really, it doesn't matter if you show the other side is using the child against the other parent. I went to court to get access to my son, only to be given an extra 15 minutes a day.. all of this after 6 months in court. All I had ever wanted was to have access to my son, and to be able to spend time with him. Something that you would think that two reasonable adults would be able to work out without going to court. Not in this case, when at every opportunity he is used to emotionally blackmail you.

You just have to read Seperated Dad's on facebook to open your eyes at how often this happens... and until you read the cases on there, you really have no idea.. The child should be first, and then everything else takes a back seat, but you can't do that if the other side are always using the child as a black mail weapon.

It is disgusting that this happens... and continues to happen... and then to find an someone like the OP coming on here and thinking that he doesn't want to see his daughter without knowing the whole facts and making massive assumptions is just ridiculous. I would say, grow up... and do some research..

Sorry for the rant, but this really grates on me... if for one minute this bloke didn't want to be a dad, do you think that he would be encouraging to be a father again... think about it... If you talked to him, face to face, he would most probably say of course he wants to be the father of his daughter, and then to assume that the other side isn't making things impossible is just ridiculous.

I would say, OP.... your friend is probably better off without you as a judgemental friend without actually knowing what is going on..

auschopper · 29/07/2012 20:52

At some later stage, when my son is old enough to understand, I will give him all the evidence (and there is loads). If I phoned up today, and asked to see him, I would be told no... you are not seeing your son... I would like everyone who currently uses their child against the other partner to stop it immediately, and if you looked at it realistically, there seem to be loads of them on mumsnet..

Original poster

Wiggypigs · 29/07/2012 20:56

I just want to clarify that I am not judging my friend at all and I have been nothing but supportive to her. I have tried to like her fella but the whole situation just does not lie well with me. True I have not been told the full story but what I have been told just doesn't sound right. Yes I may be being judgemental but maybe this is understandable with the fact that my dad did the same thing to me.

OP posts:

slowestwildebeast · 29/07/2012 21:01

fair enough.

Inneedofbrandy · 29/07/2012 21:02

I couldnt and wouldnt marry a man who didnt give a shit about any children he had previously, but thats just me. Its actually a major red flag for abusive relationships if DP had children hes refused contact with or the mums fucked off.

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