To not think much of this guy

[Wiggypigs]

A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and I am happy for her but really don't think much of the guy she is marrying. He has a 8? year old daughter from a previous relationship and he doesn't have anything to do with her. Maybe I am just being over sensitive but I just don't think that is on. My dad walked out on me and my sister when we were younger and I now have nothing to do with him. I know every situation is different but to me there is no excuse not to see your children. I think it really grates on me because my friend acts like he is the perfect man and talks about how she can't wait to have kids with him and blah blah blah. Maybe he should actually be a dad to the one he already has! Sorry has turned in to a bit of a rant.

OP : Have you ever asked your father why he did?

I guess it is kind of hard really, because on one side (most of the time it is the mother in this country) has the sole responsibility of the child... and how can you assume what you were told was the truth. I know that my son is and going to be told complete lies... the trouble is in my case, her friends and her family are all caught up in the lie... It isn't until some of them actually ask me, and then find out actually the true events. The thing is... I have the evidence of it of where I tried and and fought for my son... the stories have been absolutely amazing..

There are some fathers who don't give a crap... and well, I don't think much of them..

Innedofbrandy : Probably time to hit the turps...

Not necessarily if the other partner has a mental health issue... so by your reasoning, the only time that a mother/female partner is going to leave is because of an abusive relationship? It happens the other way around as well...

I love Mum's net.. always stroked with one particular stroke... all men are bastards...

OP I completely understand your feelings about this guy for exactly the same reasons as you :(
You're quite right to have reservations about him - what can be such a good reason for him not seeing his DC?
That's a horrible situation for you to be in - I'm sure you want what's best for your friend and it's hard to see how this man can be regarded well. On the other hand he will hopefully turn over a new leaf and be a good dad to your friend's children.
Just be REALLY careful about how you word your concerns to your friend.

No I don't think you're being unreasonable to be concerned for your friend, whatever the reason he doesn't see his child.

Personally I wouldn't be with a man who already had children and definitely if he didn't see them because A) If he's dropped one wife and kid he'll probably do it again and B) If the reason he doesn't see them is because she doesn't let him there has to be a reason, and even if that reason is just that she is an awkward cow, I don't want that sort of stress in my life so itd just be a no go for me.

auschopper I wouldnt say that, I would say a red flag is a warning sign of a abusive relationship and I would look out for other signs. If I was a man and my new partner stopped her dc seeing their dad I would feel the same. Some dads do not give a shit, in fact the majority of children who do not see their dads dont give a shit.
I think you are taking the mans side in this due to your own personal reasons the OP did say he went up their a few years ago so obviously he is allowed contact but doesnt persue it.

I am not a man hating witch who thinks dcs are only the womans, this situation would just strike a uneasy chord with me and I wouldnt choose to be in OP friends postion or ever like the OP friends DP.

pursue sorry spelling

auschopper I feel for you - we have friend going through similar, I posted up the way about it earlier.

But in the same way the OP only has a passing comment from some one who isn't a close friend and certainly not in her confidence, and has decided to a whole "woe is me" thread about it - we only get your version. I don't mean that to be offensive in anyway.

There are two sides to everything - his, hers, and the truth.

I will always throw a spanner in every conversation regarding access purely because children are used as a weapon. Be it Mum doesn't like it Dad left for an OW. Or the new BF doesn't like Dad hanging around and is jealous. Be it the OW doesn't like the old partner and attempts to isolate the father away.

As I also said earlier there are far too many comments and snippets of advice on these forums (and others like) almost encouraging women to with hold a child from its father on spurious reasons - ""Ex has new GF, dont want him seeing DC with her around, I havent vetted her""..... ""Ex is sleeping on MILS couch as he's homeless, I hate MIL coz she hates me WIBU to say DC ill"". The relationship board is even more of an eye opener, i think the one that horrified me most was ""dont put his name on the birth certificate, screw him for every penny, and dont let him see the child"" (no reason other than the mother had a one night stand and the bloke in question wasn't up for a full on relationship with the mother)

Things are never cut and dried. There are some very nasty, manipulative people out there - be it the father, mother, a step parent , or whether they have residence or not.

Children should not be used as pawns in purile adult mind games.

I'm sorry you have had such a tough time getting access to your son. As I have already said I am trying not to be judgemental but it really is difficult. Your son is very lucky to have you fighting for him. My mum has never stopped me from seeing my dad even though he left her for another woman and was only a dad when he felt like it. I had to grow up very fast and be there for my mum who really struggled knowing the man she chose to have children with quite clearly did not give a shit.

Maybe if this guy actually talked about his daughter and showed that he was a dad I would feel differently. But he doesn't mention her, there are no pictures of her in their house and it doesn't seem that there is space for her in their lives. Surely even if his ex was giving him grief, he would still be proud to be a father and want to talk about his little girl even though I understand it may be hard for him. He is allowed access though and it is more because she lives so far away.

Yes but even after the OW or OM crap a year or so later it should of all settled down and hurt feelings not in the way so much and children not used as pawns no more.

TheQueenOfDiamonds : You are using and thinking logically, which someone who has a mental health issue, I can tell you, a person with a mental health issue doesn't think logically...

I can tell you in our case, there isn't a logical reason... other than, I that she wants to inflict as much pain as possible on myself. Did I do anything wrong... no... and have several marriage counsellors who have backed me up and said that I had done absolutely everything I could have, and I had two options... try and stick in there, or run as fast as you can... I took the stick in there option... only to find the house completely empty of my son's and my ex partners stuff... In my case, my ex partner was and still is mentall ill, and suffering from Borderline personality disorder, does she need help, yes.... but it can only be gotten if she knows she needs help...

Marriage counsellors are not allowed to take side though are they? Sorry do not mean to pick holes in your post.

I'd wonder if he was struggling to get access to his DD, I don't think anyone can assume that he isn't paying maintenance.

And the quick change of subject would tell me that they didn't want to discuss it, not everyone wants to air their dirty laundry in public, it may just be a very difficult situation.

OP : I had photos of my little boy all over the place.... I have had to take them down, because I can't look at them without crying my eyes out for hours and hours...

As I am moving house, I couldn't face packing what use to be his room up... To me, I don't ever forget my little boy, and I think about him every day, and everytime I do something, I think, man, my little boy would love this... It gets hard... it doesn't mean he doesn't think about him...

I can only say this from experience... I am often in tears because I want so badly to be a father in my son's life... I have always wanted to be a dad, and be there for my son, and make sure that he gets the right to see his dad. Yes there are two sides to every story, and have always looked at this objectively as I can... I have gone to A LOT of counselling to try and understand how and where I could have done things differently... and with a common counsellor who knows both sides of the story going.... mate... you have two choices, try and hang in there, and your life will be hell, or run...

I think the thing is.... and this is a flag to me...

If a bloke didn't really give a shit about his kids... why would he want more than ever to have more... That kind of tells me, that he did try everything possible..

Inneedofbrandy : no they aren't and they don't normally... except when my ex partner left when her behaviour was tackled.. The counsellor had said.. your wife needs help, and we need to get it for her... because the counsellor saw that she needed help with her mental health..

auschopper One of my partners friends recently got married and is on about having children with his new wife and he already has one who I know he does not care about.

OP: Have you ever asked the question why?

There are many men out there who would love to be full time, RP, fathers - but the system is biased towards mothers.

Why he doesn't care about the one he already has? He got his ex pregnant and then refused to have anything to do with the child and tried to stop maintenance payments. Not a good guy

OP : That is a answer to a question you can't answer without knowing the full facts and understanding of the situation... and one, that your friend by not talking about it, is probably trying to come to grips with as well... It honestly I don't think makes him a bad person, and without understanding the full facts as to why, I don't think you can make an assumption that he is a bad person, based on what very little information you have..

I was in a similar situation as well in regards to maintenance.. My ex wanted to increase how much money she got, because she knew how much financial pressure we were under... I was left with the marital home repayments, all her bills and well, everything really... Access over nights were stopped because that meant that she could get more money through child maintenance.. I have documented evidence of this... all of which was ignored in court.. the only reason access was stopped, was because she wanted more money... not because she needed more money, but because it was to cause me as much pain as possible... so much to the fact that I am in debit to the tune of £17k to make sure that the child maintenance payments were made...

So... the questions I would be asking... was over night access stopped... (i.e to increase child maintenance payments)... most probably yes.. but with such a limited view, you have no idea.. Do I think that a father should pay for their child... yes... but I don't think that the system should be used to maximise financial gain...

Auschopper - I am utterly baffled. I don't understand what MH has to do with what I said? I understand MH problems. I have lived with people who suffer from severe MH illness'.

I was merely saying that I wouldn't want to be involved in a situation where there are children from a previous relationship because if there is lack of contact, then there has to be a reason for that, and none of the possible reasons are something I would want to get involved with.

TheQueenOfDiamonds : by your posts I just had assumed.. and correct me if I am wrong if I have the wrong feeling... but it just seemed that you were saying that it was the blokes fault for not seeing his daughter... that makes absolutely massive assumptions... that the only and possible reason for this not happening is because of the bloke, which may or may not be the case..

JumpingThroughHoops - I can tell you from experience that the system is actually biased towards the parent who is in the position to manipulate said system the most. Not necessarily the mother. Believe me.

I was answering in regards to my partners friend in which I do know the whole story as he is very open about it.

I must say I do feel really sorry for guys who's exes make seeing their children difficult. There is no excuse for getting children involved in personal disputes. I have never been in that situation with my own parents but I do have friends who have and in the end they know the truth.

From this topic I have realised exactly how screwed up I am because of the issues with my own father. I have never asked him why he is like he is and to be honest I don't care as there is nothing he could do to make things better between us. I have gotten very good at keeping my emotions hidden but at a wedding recently I did feel very sad that I won't have a loving father to give me away and tell funny stories about me in his speech. It is something I will have to learn to deal with and I will try and be less judgemental towards absent fathers but it is so hard. I would give anything to have a loving father in my life.

I don't think enough is know about the situation to make a judgement on this man. Maybe the ex has prevented him from seeing the child. This does happen sad to say. So maybe it's not his choice.