To not think much of this guy

[Wiggypigs]

A friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and I am happy for her but really don't think much of the guy she is marrying. He has a 8? year old daughter from a previous relationship and he doesn't have anything to do with her. Maybe I am just being over sensitive but I just don't think that is on. My dad walked out on me and my sister when we were younger and I now have nothing to do with him. I know every situation is different but to me there is no excuse not to see your children. I think it really grates on me because my friend acts like he is the perfect man and talks about how she can't wait to have kids with him and blah blah blah. Maybe he should actually be a dad to the one he already has! Sorry has turned in to a bit of a rant.

Im another one who would not be involved with a man who does not see or support dc from previous relationship, there are very few justifiable reasons that NRP does not see his dc imo.

In this situation without knowing all the details its hard to judge

Just wanted to clarify a few things. 1. She isn't a close friend so I don't expect her to tell me all the details. 2. She knows the shit I have been through with my dad and yet tried to justify to me the fact he doesn't see much of his daughter due to her being far away. I'd rather she hadn't said anything. 3. I'm not going to bring it up with her as she is happy and it's her decision but doesn't mean I have to like the guy as much as I could. Oh and I think some people's responses on here are unbelievable. There is no excuse for a father not bothering with their children. Wish people would stop standing up for bad fathers.

YANBU.

He is the kind of man who can go through life without taking responsibility for the children he's created. Why would you want to marry a man and have children with him when you can see clear as day that this is the case?

I shake my head. I really wish more women would use their heads when choosing the father of their future children.

Does it change your opinion of your friend a bit, Wiggy?

Ignore the holier than thou 'how dare you judge anyone/anything in life' posts. They are actually judging you for your opinion which make them JUDGEMENTAL also. I think most people would be a bit about a man that doesn't see his child. Yes there may be reasons or he may just be a twat who can't be bothered. YANBU to be concerned.

I agree with paiviaso.
Some dumb women, and men, around who just blindly accept the crap excuses they are fed.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, would ever stop me from seeing my children.
The op has said that they have seen the child once so it seems obvious that it is pure lack of concern by the dad and new partner.

Some people find it remarkably easy to walk out on their own child, they do not need a reason at all.

I have known rational women make all sorts of pathetic excuses as to why their partner doesn't give a shit about his own flesh and blood. Even blaming the child for the fall out. Strangly when the dad then does the dirty on them they tend to alter their own opinion.

YANBU. Someone needs to criticise these men instead of thinking up excuses for them. And to speak out for these children abandoned by one of their parents. I think its a red flag. If he's done it once, he is likely to do it again.

It's statistically more likely that this man is a selfish arse who just can't be bothered with his DD. It's not impossible that the girl's mother is making access difficult for him, and not totally impossible that he has been persuaded that a clean break is better and that seeing him is 'too upsetting' for his DD. Some mothers do want rid of a child's father, though this is usually because he's an arsehole.

What I would want to know, however, is whether the man is paying any maintenance for the child. But as the woman marrying him is not a close friend of yours, it would be rude and unreasonable of you to actually ask her - or him - about this.

Fruity, at 8yo I doubt the daughter has had much choice in how much she sees her father. I would also question why a child would not want to see its father.

Fair point about the age.

And we have questioned it, there is no explanation. We are presuming that as the Ex hasn't gone ape shit with him, it isn't actually anything he has done or not done.
We've put it down to raging teenage hormones and her adjustment to it all. We hope things will improve over the next year and that she'll want to start seeing him again.
However as she can't be forced to see him he HAS to accept her wishes. To an outsider it may look like he doesn't give a shit and has abandoned her. He hasn't and any friend of mine would be out of order to suggest it without getting the full facts.
Yes a lot of men are arses when it comes to kids, but for every arse of a father there is also a bitch of a mother who uses her kids.

I would also question why a child would not want to see its father.

my dad walked out when i was 2, i still dont know all the facts but am certain that DM did all she could to stop me seeing him, to the extent that aged 12 i once mentioned that it would be nice to see him just to say hi.

After the response i got from her i was too scared to ask again

That could be a reason why a child [would not want] to see its father - not out of choice but out of fear of recrimination from DM

It is none of your business OP - if you are not that close there are probably all sorts of reasons behind this.

Thing is, even if the XP is stopping contact, why?

Sure she could be a "crazy psycho bitch" but really? How many of those do you know?

Surely it's more likely if someone is stopping or preventing contact that they have concerns about the NRP.

my DM was certainly not a 'crazy psycho bitch' and didnt have any kind of CP concerns about her XH. She was just hurt that he was having an affair and left him, she thought she was doing the right thing keeping me away from him.

Some things in life are not always an episode of Eastenders you know.

You know, every time this topic comes up on MN you will get lots of anecdotes about awful mothers who are bitches, spiteful, bitter and vindictive or else someone who knows somebody and the mother is definitelyhorrible and restricts access for no good reason.

I'm not saying these things don't happen, I know they do - but why is the focus always on the Mum behaving unreasonably?

flip that is why i wanted to set my store about my DM. She wasnt any of those things, she just didnt know what to do for the best so kept me away. Not the brightest idea but it certainly wasnt done out of spite or vindictive revenge. I also think my dad could have fought harder for me, neither of them could do right for doing wrong IMO

There are far to many variables that we don't know about to make any sort of "judgement" on this.

I could go on about the fathers that I know that are refused contact by RP.
or those that have had supervised contact and jumped threw the hoops only for the RP to start the whole thing of again.
or those that have bankrupted themselves to try and get contact only for the child to be out or ill when they get there.

I also know of mothers that are alledgedly "pyscho bitches" who never let their exs see the children, but in truth do everything they can to get the "father" to see their child.

I have seen both sides of this.

OP if it bothers you that much you either find out all the details or dump the friend.

I agree with op, distance is a shit reason to not see a child. If she's 8 he could Skype her regularly, chat on the phone?, no excuse.

I understand what you're saying Martha. Unfortunately, otherwise well meaning parents do make mistakes and don't always get it "right".

I'm just fed up of the ever popular "bitter and twisted ex" trope which gets trotted out automatically when issues like this are discussed.

There really aren't hordes of vindictive women deliberately blocking access.

I'd judge too.

My parents divorced when I was 4 and I've seen my father very rarely since then and not at all in the last 20 years.

There are I'm sure far more fathers who walk away than crazy/evil women who deny access.

I'd also be very wary of marrying a man who had done this once as what's to stop him doing it again.

I would not marry a man who could walk away from his own child, I just wouldn't entertain that sort of person.
So the alternative is for the nrp to lie, or twist the truth and say the rp made things difficult for them to see their child. Otherwise who will want them?
The new partner then accepts the lie because, well, they cannot accept that they are with a person decsribed above.

Well fuck that. I really do not believe that all those poor, poor nrp tried that hard really. I repeat nothing would stop me from seeing my children but there agian I have always put my family first above my own satisfaction and I guess that is often what it comes down to.
So situations often arise where parent A makes the desision to not put their family first, thus provoking a chain of events which cause harm and wreck the lives of their children.
One parent blames the other and resentment arises etc ect. Parents may not then act in the most beneficial way for the child and so on.

perhaps the mother is a mardy cow and makes access difficult?

that's the excuse that my FiL makes, when asked why he never saw any of his four children,

he then goes on to tell us how "mad" she was, totally off her rocker, complete unhinged,

he's right she was, partly driven there by his endless affaires,

If he an adult found it impossible to deal with her why did he think four small children would on their own,

those children went through hell, on their own, with no cavalry coming over the hill,

Unless a parent is a danger to a child, than there is no excuse not to see and support them.

OP your friend is in for a rough ride, I hope she has supportive people around her.

Without knowing the full facts no one can judge.

He might ring, skype, facetime every evening for all you know. He might not have the money to do a 4 hour trip to see her every week as he is paying a decent sum of maintance. The mother could be baring access and poisoning the child against her father. THE SIMPLE FACT IS YOU DONT KNOW AND IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IN ANY EVENT.

I know that he doesn't speak to her because I have been told this, they have bought a brand new 3 bed house and 2 expensive cars so money is not an issue and the mother doesn't restrict access because they have been allowed to see her when they have bothered to visit. I know it isn't any of my business but it just really annoys me that my friend acts like the sun shines out of this guys backside. A child should be a parents main priority. I know what it feels like not to be and it will always have an impact on my life.

It seems as though some women have a 2 phase plan to screw over their exes, 1) deny him any meaningful contact 2) ostracise other men who are being denied contact as part of step one.

Simple yet terrifying.

I think you are projecting too much of your own situation and back story onto this man and his child, to be honest.

I dont know if you are unreasonable or not, but you are taking it too personally, and it has nothing to do with you.

You cant go around wishing people did not tell you things in their life because of your own experiences, which may or may not be relevant to the situation.

YABU. You are projecting your childhood and father onto this man. You don't know the background. Maybe the relationship with his DD mother broke down and he tried for 5 years to find a way to see his DD but she wouldn't let him and he gave up. ETC... Try not to judge till you've walked a mile in this man's shoes. Also, even if he WAS a sod, everyone has the power to change and if he makes your friend happy then you owe it her as a friend to support her in her shot at happiness.